Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Saving the ACA yet again, and Thirty Two Short Films About Steve Bannon’s Mole
Quiet weekend, huh? I mean, ok, the American President opened up a fresh new front in the culture wars for no good reason beyond his uncontrollable personal racism, but that’s just how things are now, right?
Well, there’s a major humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico, millions of Americans are without power or clean water, but don’t worry, your President is laser-focused on the issue that matters most: black athletes with the audacity to actually USE their constitutionally-protected speech rights.
Yes, Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “A Klansman Like My Father Before Me”) is ON IT, y’all. He might not know what the Nuclear Triad is, or what the contents of any of the health care overhaul bills he’s recklessly endorsed are, but he brings a fanatic’s certainty to the issue of Folks Who Aren’t White Gettin’ Mouthy…er…Kneely, I guess.
Shart Garfunkel got so pissy over Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors declining the opportunity to shake his tiny, white nationalist, paw that he disinvited the whole team that was never gonna meet with him anyway, because maybe the rubes the New York Times interviews every three weeks will believe his version of this exchange.
And now the right wing is screeching WHY ARE THESE UPPITY PLAYERS DIGGING UP THE REMAINS OF OUR HONORED WAR DEAD AND USING THEIR SKULLS FOR URINALS IN THE LOCKER ROOM, and everyone is very calmly explaining that nobody’s saying anything at all about the troops and the right’s all WE KNOW THAT BUT WE’RE TRYING TO DEMONIZE YOU AND IT’S JUST EASIER WHEN WE STRAIGHT FUCKING LIE.
Well, SCROTUS is now calling for a boycott of the NFL. That’s a totally normal thing, right? An American President attacking an American industry? Like, literally using the bully pulpit to tell the American people to destroy an industry that employs thousands of Americans? Happens all the time. Remember when Eisenhower tried to Destroy All the Hot Dog Stands, for example?
Now everybody from the John Cornyn to Rush Limbaugh is jumping on the boycott bandwagon in a frothy rage. Can you imagine, boycotting something you enjoy, even love, just because a few people asked to you consider, “Hey, Black Lives might Matter a little bit? Before we play sports for a few hours, could you take 90 seconds to consider that maybe, just maybe, Black Lives Matter?”
I think we should capitalize on this trend, personally. Shit, if we can get a bunch of grocery clerks to take a knee, we can probably get the entire Drumpf movement to starve themselves to death out of spite.
I dunno. Maybe screaming at black athletes will distract all those “economically anxious” types from the fact that he hasn’t created any of those mining or manufacturing jobs he was always promising.
Anyway, I wonder what all the lil’ Shartkins will do with their Sunday afternoons now? Lawn work? Crosswords? Or will they just sit and seethe at the dormant teevee screen?
Don’t worry, Cuckflakes, NASCAR has your safe space, where you don’t have to worry about any scary dark-skinned folks insisting that they’re human beings with rights.
John Kelly was reportedly less-than-pleased that the Toddler in Chief decided to pick another stupid, uselessly divisive fight. General Kelly’s starting to get the idea that this particular babysitting job might not be worth it, even though there’s half a Boston creme pie and a six pack of MGD in the fridge, and the White House has HBO.
What’s this? Little Man Jared got caught doing government business using a private e-mail address? I feel like I read someplace that this is a Bad Thing. Word on the street is that Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes is eating printouts of the emails, because he thinks that will destroy them.
(Once he’s finished, a spokesperson says, Nunes plans on fucking two or three pigs. Hard.)
Boy, Gowdy Doody’s sure got a lot of work ahead of him, what with all the investigations he’ll have to launch now, because the rules are the same for Democrats and Republicans, right?
…heh. April Fool.
Neil Gorsuch went a-campaignin’ for Mitch McConnell, which isn’t what you’d call “ethical,” but when a dude STEALS AN ENTIRE SUPREME COURT SEAT FOR YOU, I guess you owe him a favor, even if he is a repulsive, shriveled, evil, Turtle Man who wants nothing more than to steal health care from millions of children.
Well, Anthony Weiner’s going to jail, and that’s great, because he’s a pervy old creep. Hey, thanks for that time when your grotesque urges led to Jim Comey telling the country he was reopening the investigation into Hilldawg’s emails, Anthony. Hope you share a cell with some of the less savory characters from OZ.
Milopalooza out in Berkeley finally answered the age-old question, “What if we threw a riot for rage-filled white supremacist losers and nobody came?” Not much, it turns out.
Team Shartcannon rolled out the latest version of their shitty, racist, travel ban. The gimmick this time is, We Added North Korea So It’s Totally Not a Muslim Ban. It’s a bit like slapping a pair of reading glasses on Superman to make people believe he’s a mild-mannered reporter who…
Somehow we’re not at war with North Korea yet, despite being governed by perhaps the one dude on Earth so insecure and thin-skinned as to take every bombastic NK statement as a personal insult. As long as Kim Jong-un doesn’t suggest Drumpfy isn’t as wealthy as he claims to be, we oughta be fine.
(On the other hand, if they hack and release his tax returns, well, I hope whatever species that evolves from the radioactive roaches won’t fall for the “private email server” gag when the time comes.)
Speaking of Facebook, we learned how Russians bought social media ads designed to stir up racial and religious divisions ahead of the 2016 election. Weaponizing our most prominent natural resource: Shitty, Stupid, White Dudes, against us. Clever girl.
Meanwhile, the Senate GOP continued their coke-binge, no-sleep-till-mass-murder-of-the-American-poor attempt to repeal the ACA and replace it with a bag of coal and six rusty flathead screws.
They tried bribery. (Rand Paul called the attempted buyoffs “unseemly,” insisting on the clean purity of a bill that sends plebs straight from their cancer diagnosis to the Soylent factory, because Rand Paul is gentlemen in the “we made a mistake doing away with serfdom” sense.) They tried lying. (Naw, the bill ADDS coverage! Everybody gets health care and a corgi that talks and makes sure you pay your utility bills on time and also a hand job!*) One can only assume they tried dressing up like Dickensian Ghosts and visiting John McCain while he was undergoing cancer treatment.
And then they had a bunch of protesters in wheelchairs dragged away and arrested, because I guess they were worried the Koch Brothers would perceive them as soft and throw them into the shark tank that you totally know they have on the grounds of their compound.
Anyhow, along came the CBO, and they were all “WELL, since y’all are in such a frantic hurry to reshape 1/6th of the economy, we don’t have time to actually do our job, but…SPOILERS this is a fat bag fulla murder, just like all their other bills, we just can’t pin down precisely how much murder at this time.”
And Susan Collins weighed in with her official “Nah,” joining the “Nahs” of Rand Paul and John McCain, so it looks like we’ve probably put the monster down…until the next sequel.
And the right wing is so frustrated now that Ron Johnson’s gonna just start sneaking into hospital kitchens and mixing arsenic into the freeze-dried mashed potatoes.
Of course, Louie Gohmert has a special plan that only a man of his intelligence could craft: let’s get Arizona to un-elect John McCain and his stupid fatal tumor and replace him someone who likes murderin’ poors a little more!
He’s playing six-dimensional Calvinball, that Louie.
Hey, d’ya remember that thing the other day, where the President of the United States belligerently tweeted about an Iranian test missile launch? Well, FUN FACT, there was not missile launch. It was literally a recording of a launch from January, and it tricked the dude who has nuclear codes.
Thank God Drumpf wasn’t President when Orson Welles was around, is all I’m sayin’.
Nigel Farage and Steve Bannon spoke at a rally for Roy Moore tonight. Other speakers included Greedo, the man-eating lions from The Ghost and the Darkness, and Immortan Joe.
Oh, this one’s fun…Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke accused a full third of his staff of being disloyal traitors who sprinkle treason on their corn flakes, because Zinke’s a cowboy and we live in THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE now.
Whelp, The Man With Phalangeal Stunting finally tweeted about Puerto Rico, if only to lower expectations. Yeah, things are getting Katrina-y down there, and the President wants everybody to know…it’s not his fault. The buck stops literally anywhere but there. AMERICA FIRST…unless it’s hard!
Now, maybe you read all this, and you went, “Cap, frankly, shit was not necessarily all that cray today,” because Shock-Corridor-level madness is normalized now, and that’s fair, BUT TO THAT I SAY…somebody paid almost seven grand for Hitler’s old used underpants at an auction, and the next round is on me, so long as you’re drinkin’ straight bath salts, no chaser.
*The handjob does not come from the corgi, if this was not clear