Saving the ACA yet again, and Thirty Two Short Films About Steve Bannon’s Mole

Quiet weekend, huh? I mean, ok, the American President opened up a fresh new front in the culture wars for no good reason beyond his uncontrollable personal racism, but that’s just how things are now, right?

RIGHT?

…ugh.

Well, there’s a major humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico, millions of Americans are without power or clean water, but don’t worry, your President is laser-focused on the issue that matters most: black athletes with the audacity to actually USE their constitutionally-protected speech rights.

Yes, Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “A Klansman Like My Father Before Me”) is ON IT, y’all. He might not know what the Nuclear Triad is, or what the contents of any of the health care overhaul bills he’s recklessly endorsed are, but he brings a fanatic’s certainty to the issue of Folks Who Aren’t White Gettin’ Mouthy…er…Kneely, I guess.

Shart Garfunkel got so pissy over Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors declining the opportunity to shake his tiny, white nationalist, paw that he disinvited the whole team that was never gonna meet with him anyway, because maybe the rubes the New York Times interviews every three weeks will believe his version of this exchange.

And now the right wing is screeching WHY ARE THESE UPPITY PLAYERS DIGGING UP THE REMAINS OF OUR HONORED WAR DEAD AND USING THEIR SKULLS FOR URINALS IN THE LOCKER ROOM, and everyone is very calmly explaining that nobody’s saying anything at all about the troops and the right’s all WE KNOW THAT BUT WE’RE TRYING TO DEMONIZE YOU AND IT’S JUST EASIER WHEN WE STRAIGHT FUCKING LIE.

Well, SCROTUS is now calling for a boycott of the NFL. That’s a totally normal thing, right? An American President attacking an American industry? Like, literally using the bully pulpit to tell the American people to destroy an industry that employs thousands of Americans? Happens all the time.  Remember when Eisenhower tried to Destroy All the Hot Dog Stands, for example?

Now everybody from the John Cornyn to Rush Limbaugh is jumping on the boycott bandwagon in a frothy rage. Can you imagine, boycotting something you enjoy, even love, just because a few people asked to you consider, “Hey, Black Lives might Matter a little bit? Before we play sports for a few hours, could you take 90 seconds to consider that maybe, just maybe, Black Lives Matter?”

I think we should capitalize on this trend, personally. Shit, if we can get a bunch of grocery clerks to take a knee, we can probably get the entire Drumpf movement to starve themselves to death out of spite.

I dunno. Maybe screaming at black athletes will distract all those “economically anxious” types from the fact that he hasn’t created any of those mining or manufacturing jobs he was always promising.

Anyway, I wonder what all the lil’ Shartkins will do with their Sunday afternoons now? Lawn work? Crosswords? Or will they just sit and seethe at the dormant teevee screen?

Don’t worry, Cuckflakes, NASCAR has your safe space, where you don’t have to worry about any scary dark-skinned folks insisting that they’re human beings with rights.

John Kelly was reportedly less-than-pleased that the Toddler in Chief decided to pick another stupid, uselessly divisive fight. General Kelly’s starting to get the idea that this particular babysitting job might not be worth it, even though there’s half a Boston creme pie and a six pack of MGD in the fridge, and the White House has HBO.

What’s this? Little Man Jared got caught doing government business using a private e-mail address? I feel like I read someplace that this is a Bad Thing. Word on the street is that Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes is eating printouts of the emails, because he thinks that will destroy them.

(Once he’s finished, a spokesperson says, Nunes plans on fucking two or three pigs. Hard.)

Oh my, and now Princess Ivanka got caught using personal e-mail too? AND Bannon? AND Priebus? AND Gary Cohn? AND even Shittiest of All Possible White Supremacists, Stephen Miller?

Boy, Gowdy Doody’s sure got a lot of work ahead of him, what with all the investigations he’ll have to launch now, because the rules are the same for Democrats and Republicans, right?

…heh. April Fool.

Neil Gorsuch went a-campaignin’ for Mitch McConnell, which isn’t what you’d call “ethical,” but when a dude STEALS AN ENTIRE SUPREME COURT SEAT FOR YOU, I guess you owe him a favor, even if he is a repulsive, shriveled, evil, Turtle Man who wants nothing more than to steal health care from millions of children.

Well, Anthony Weiner’s going to jail, and that’s great, because he’s a pervy old creep. Hey, thanks for that time when your grotesque urges led to Jim Comey telling the country he was reopening the investigation into Hilldawg’s emails, Anthony. Hope you share a cell with some of the less savory characters from OZ.

Milopalooza out in Berkeley finally answered the age-old question, “What if we threw a riot for rage-filled white supremacist losers and nobody came?” Not much, it turns out.

Team Shartcannon rolled out the latest version of their shitty, racist, travel ban. The gimmick this time is, We Added North Korea So It’s Totally Not a Muslim Ban. It’s a bit like slapping a pair of reading glasses on Superman to make people believe he’s a mild-mannered reporter who…

…wait.

Somehow we’re not at war with North Korea yet, despite being governed by perhaps the one dude on Earth so insecure and thin-skinned as to take every bombastic NK statement as a personal insult. As long as Kim Jong-un doesn’t suggest Drumpfy isn’t as wealthy as he claims to be, we oughta be fine.

(On the other hand, if they hack and release his tax returns, well, I hope whatever species that evolves from the radioactive roaches won’t fall for the “private email server” gag when the time comes.)

Apparently Steve Bannon tried to plant a mole inside Facebook. My sources tell me he also briefly attempted to get one of his facial boils hired at Twitter.

Speaking of Facebook, we learned how Russians bought social media ads designed to stir up racial and religious divisions ahead of the 2016 election. Weaponizing our most prominent natural resource: Shitty, Stupid, White Dudes, against us. Clever girl.

Meanwhile, the Senate GOP continued their coke-binge, no-sleep-till-mass-murder-of-the-American-poor attempt to repeal the ACA and replace it with a bag of coal and six rusty flathead screws.

They tried bribery. (Rand Paul called the attempted buyoffs “unseemly,” insisting on the clean purity of a bill that sends plebs straight from their cancer diagnosis to the Soylent factory, because Rand Paul is gentlemen in the “we made a mistake doing away with serfdom” sense.) They tried lying. (Naw, the bill ADDS coverage! Everybody gets health care and a corgi that talks and makes sure you pay your utility bills on time and also a hand job!*) One can only assume they tried dressing up like Dickensian Ghosts and visiting John McCain while he was undergoing cancer treatment.

And then they had a bunch of protesters in wheelchairs dragged away and arrested, because I guess they were worried the Koch Brothers would perceive them as soft and throw them into the shark tank that you totally know they have on the grounds of their compound.

Anyhow, along came the CBO, and they were all “WELL, since y’all are in such a frantic hurry to reshape 1/6th of the economy, we don’t have time to actually do our job, but…SPOILERS this is a fat bag fulla murder, just like all their other bills, we just can’t pin down precisely how much murder at this time.”

And Susan Collins weighed in with her official “Nah,” joining the “Nahs” of Rand Paul and John McCain, so it looks like we’ve probably put the monster down…until the next sequel.

And the right wing is so frustrated now that Ron Johnson’s gonna just start sneaking into hospital kitchens and mixing arsenic into the freeze-dried mashed potatoes.

Of course, Louie Gohmert has a special plan that only a man of his intelligence could craft: let’s get Arizona to un-elect John McCain and his stupid fatal tumor and replace him someone who likes murderin’ poors a little more!

He’s playing six-dimensional Calvinball, that Louie.

Hey, d’ya remember that thing the other day, where the President of the United States belligerently tweeted about an Iranian test missile launch? Well, FUN FACT, there was not missile launch. It was literally a recording of a launch from January, and it tricked the dude who has nuclear codes.

Thank God Drumpf wasn’t President when Orson Welles was around, is all I’m sayin’.

Nigel Farage and Steve Bannon spoke at a rally for Roy Moore tonight. Other speakers included Greedo, the man-eating lions from The Ghost and the Darkness, and Immortan Joe.

Oh, this one’s fun…Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke accused a full third of his staff of being disloyal traitors who sprinkle treason on their corn flakes, because Zinke’s a cowboy and we live in THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE now.

Whelp, The Man With Phalangeal Stunting finally tweeted about Puerto Rico, if only to lower expectations. Yeah, things are getting Katrina-y down there, and the President wants everybody to know…it’s not his fault. The buck stops literally anywhere but there. AMERICA FIRST…unless it’s hard!

Now, maybe you read all this, and you went, “Cap, frankly, shit was not necessarily all that cray today,” because Shock-Corridor-level madness is normalized now, and that’s fair, BUT TO THAT I SAY…somebody paid almost seven grand for Hitler’s old used underpants at an auction, and the next round is on me, so long as you’re drinkin’ straight bath salts, no chaser.

*The handjob does not come from the corgi, if this was not clear