Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Scott Pruitt is an Artist. Corruption is his Medium, and the World is his Canvas. (And Other News)
Scientists have created a “psychopath artificial intelligence” by giving it input from the darkest corners of the internet hell men call “Reddit.” Just to spice things up a bit, I have turned today’s blog over to this AI.
…just kidding. All this shit happened. In the real world. Not that you can tell the difference.
President Drumpf debuted his bold new reelection strategy this week: by repeatedly embarrassing the United States on the world stage, the Marmalade Shartcannon hopes to induce liberals to abandon their citizenship in shame, thus forfeiting the right to vote. In yelling at Justin Trudeau for Canadians burning down the White House during the War of 1812 (I…bu…wha?), the plan is off to a smashing start. I myself am now pretending to be an Australian on vacation. And that was before the D-Day gaffe.
Paul Ryan made headlines around the world for kinda sorta almost standing up to Boss Shart and his ridiculous “spygate” fabrications, because a Republican leader actually siding with the truth over the Poo Mistake’s relentless gaslighting is indeed news. (Don’t worry, though. The Speaker would quickly devolve back to his regular invertebrate state, insisting there’s no evidence of collusion, which is true if you ignore all the evidence of collusion.
Remember a couple days ago when Dorito Mussolini demonstrated his keen understanding of human nature by attempting to turn Philadelphia sports fans against their championship football team? And petulantly canceling their White House ceremony and replacing it with a jingoistic glorification of a dopey old goon in a too-long necktie forgetting the lyrics to songs?
Well, ODDLY ENOUGH, it turns out he couldn’t get actual Eagles fans to attend, so he papered the house with interns and staffers, maybe a crisis actor or two TAKE THAT GEORGE SOROS. AstroTurf at a football party. That’s satisfying.
…reminds you of the early days, when Fuck-O dragged staff around to laugh at his jokes, doesn’t it?
Betsy DeVos announced that her department’s school safety commission will not be examining the role of guns in the gun violence epidemic facing America’s schools, which is a bit like ignoring the role of dinosaurs in the deaths at Jurassic Park, AND THAT’S WHY THEY KEEP GETTING OUT AND EATING PEOPLE, DON’TCHA THINK?
We learned that the forthcoming Justice Department Inspector General report will indeed fault James Comey for his handling of the Hillary Clinton e-mail probe, reminding us “Oh yeah, this whole shitshow we’re forced to endure is quite possibly the fault of one man’s self-righteous pride. NEAT.”
I know I’ve made this observation before, but it’s true again today: Scott Pruitt had more scandals just this week than the entire Obama administration did in 8 years.
Asked to justify abusing his post in an apparently failed attempt to hook his wife up with a Chick-fil-A franchise, Pruitt could only babble something about how it’s a “franchise of faith,” and you almost have to admire that half-assed attempt to shield yourself with a culture war touchstone. Like, maybe he charged taxpayers thousands of dollars for fancy pens because conservatives are being silenced on college campuses, right?
And a couple of Scotty’s top aides resigned, probably because they were tired of their boss trying to enlist them in elaborate heist schemes to steal jewelry from visiting dignitaries.
Now we find out he’s been lunching at the White House mess (where he enjoys low prices you the taxpayer are surely subsidizing) so often the staff asked him to please take his cheap ass someplace else every now and then, and how can you not just bask in the magnificent cheapness of the man? You know he’s stealing sugar packets and cloth napkins, too.
Anyway, that’s all the Pruittology we have for today, so let’s move on to – HAHAHA JUST KIDDING.
So y’know that ridiculous, round-the-clock, security detail Scott demands? The one that cost taxpayers $3.5 million in one short year? Well, it turns out they’re not just there to placate Pruitt’s petty paranoia, they also run his errands, including…and this is AMAZING…driving him to various Ritz-Carltons around town until he can find one that has juuuuuuuust the precise moisturizing lotion that he likes.
And STILL Shartboy won’t fire him! We’re gonna have to drag his ass out of that creepy soundproof wankoff booth come January 2021. The next EPA administrator is gonna discover he dug a tunnel from the office supply closet all the way back to Oklahoma, and he’s been smuggling printer paper for years.
Meanwhile Wilbur Ross’ Commerce Department has worked out a deal to lift sanctions on ZTE, making it official: this administration has worked harder to bring jobs back to a Chinese firm believed to be a security threat to the U.S. than they have at bringing manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt. Because until the Rust Belt can offer the Trump Organization half a billion in loans, they simply won’t be a priority.
Mick Mulvaney fired the entire 25-person Consumer Financial Protection Bureau advisory board, because many of them were perpetually pestering him to do annoying shit like “protecting consumers.” Satisfied at another hard day’s work subjugating the American working class to the plutocracy, Mulvaney treated himself to an afternoon of tying ladies to railroad tracks.
Joke of the Day: Judge Jeanine wants to be Attorney General! Of the United States! Look folks, I didn’t go to law school and in a very real way, I’m a lunatic who dresses up in a mask and a bathrobe to tell poop jokes about politicians, but in all seriousness I tell you that I would have an infinitely better chance of being confirmed by the U.S. Senate than that raving moron.
Speaking of assholes who bellow crazy shit on Fux Nooz, Sean Hannity’s steady descent into madness is quite a thing to behold, isn’t it? It’d be really quite amusing if he weren’t one of our Lunkhead Rube President’s most trusted sources of information.
Anyway, when news broke that Rugged Robert Mueller has been asking witnesses to turn over their cell phones so the FBI can poke around to see if they’ve been using encrypted apps like that Luddite dumbass Paul Manafort, Sean dropped the GOP’s tough-on-crime stance like a hot potato Scott Pruitt got caught trying to sneak out of the White House mess hall without paying for.
Sean says the latest craze, whether you’re a target or a subject or just a guy sharing Georgie Papaderpaderp’s Netflix account, is DESTROYING THE EVIDENCE! It’s illegal, but at least it’s not a hangin’ offense!
If anybody’s wondering why Hannity has developed such a sudden passion for erasing digital footprints, well, it seems he’s swept up in the latest Avenatti/Stormy Daniels lawsuit. This new suit alleges Stormy’s old lawyer colluded with Michael Cohen and even Baron Golfin von Fatfuk himself, including an attempt to get her to deny their past uglies-bumping on a television program hosted by one…Sean Hannity.
Sometimes I worry I’m setting my hopes too high for these lawsuits and investigations, especially when the worst people in the country seem to get swept up in them, from Mitch McConnell to Roger Stone to the bloodstained death merchants of the NRA…but y’know what? Let me have this one. Let me sit here on my porch with my cat and my Gumballhead, and fantasize about Sean Hannity being dragged away in irons, if only for the night.
While Government Cheese Goebbels wields the power of the Presidency with all the skill of a heroin-addicted gerbil, he’s been more successful at reshaping segments of American culture in his own scowling, racist-as-fuck image. “If the President can vomit up the most vicious, ignorant, shit imaginable, why can’t I?” now says the dirtbag who may have remained silent in more civilized times. So let’s dedicate a depressingly-long section of tonight’s blog to the Brazen Hate Roundup:
Exhibit A) Many conservatives didn’t read past the headline on the SCOTUS MasterJag Cake Shop decision, and believed they had magically returned to the Mayberry-Chapter-of-the-KKK Halcyon Days of being free to screech whatever bigotry they felt like without consequences. Take, for example, South Dakota state Representative Michael Clark, who figured that so long as hate was on a roll, we should start talking about allowing businesses to refuse people of color again!
Exhibit B) CrossFit executive Russell Burger heard that and said “Hold my (Whatever it is CrossFit cultists drink)!” Burger thought it was suddenly really important to let the world know that Pride Month is really Sin Month and the REAL intolerance is the intolerance of his intolerance, and God hates the same people Russell Burger does, isn’t that terribly convenient?
Russell, like Representative Clark, only read the headline, and didn’t click the link. Russell has been fired. Russell should’ve clicked the link.
Exhibit C) Charlottesville Marcher/Shitty White Boy James Allsup has been elected to a Republican Party precinct committee officer post in Washington state, the latest open white supremacist to make a play for power within the institutional GOP. Hey, if anybody reading this just woke up from a coma and is trying to suss out who the good guys and bad guys are, can I point out that one team seems to be attracting all the Klansmen and Nazis?
Exhibit D) Some real choice specimens of humanity at a New York military base ordered a pizza, and then called the ICEtapo on the driver, getting him deported away from his wife and children…because evil is real. Because “it can happen here.” Because it IS happening here. Because one or more people on that base saw an opportunity to wreck a fellow human being’s life and decided, “Yes, that is exactly what I will do. I will steal this father from his family.”
I’ll get back to jokes in a minute, friends, but before I do, click on this article, please. Spend a little time with the senseless suffering our despicable regime is inflicting on people, on CHILDREN, in the name of hate. I know we’re all exhausted after a year and a half of this never-ending shitgeyser, but the world needs you to fight. We need your decency.
Exhibit E) Santa didn’t leave any self-awareness under the tree at the Loesch house last Xmas, demonstrated by Dana’s bone-chillingly tone-deaf comment that women “wouldn’t know what masculinity was if it hit them in the face” in her latest unhinged rant. Holy SHIT, Dana.
So as you can see, America’s national reserve of Shitty, Shitty, People is in absolutely no danger of running dry.
But I don’t want you to lose hope over any of this garbage, Shower Captives. Tuesday’s elections left us with a lot to smile about. Good turnout everywhere. No Democrat shut-outs under California’s ridiculous top-two primary system. Good, strong candidates in the most competitive districts.
And some great results in individual races. The judge who gave rapist Brock Turner an appallingly light sentence got his ass fired, as did the Alabama sheriff who enriched himself out of a fund meant to feed inmates. And another massive leftward swing in a suburban Missouri special election. The Coalition of the Decent is reasserting itself. I know many of you are chomping at the bit to do your part. Well, look at it this way; in the time it took you to read this post, the midterms got five minutes closer. Maybe ten if you’re drinking. I’m drinking.
And despite some narrowing in the ol’ generic congressionals over the last few weeks, launching a thousand preemptive “How Democrats blew it” post-mortem think pieces, today brought a whole bunch of encouraging polling. I mean, take nothing for granted, keep organizing your asses off…but don’t despair.
Best of all, Virginia gave us a teaser of the rewards awaiting us once the work is done, as Governor Ralph Northam finally signed Medicaid expansion, which Republicans had been blocking for years, into law. We ran against ‘em, we beat ‘em, we saved lives. The waiting is hard, I know, but it’s oh so worth it.
At any rate…back to the horrible shit, I guess…
Rage-Spewing Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani offered his somewhat-less-than modern take on Stormy Daniels’ “reputation” before returning to his extremely respectable work slandering the FBI to protect the treasonous cabal of grifters who charge the secret service to pee.
I see Donnie Dipshit, the Dumb-as-a-Doorknob Dotard, figures he doesn’t have to do any stupid cuck “preparation” for his summit with North Korea. After all, did he not (hire somebody else to ghost-) write The Art of the Deal? Did he not throw himself a giant party when the House passed Obamacare repeal only to watch its humiliating death in the Senate? Has he not failed to renegotiate NAFTA for more than 500 days running? What could go wrong?
And now Seb Gorka and Dennis Rodman are feuding, and that’s a foreign policy story with potential implications on the upcoming nuclear summit, so if anybody needs me I’m the guy in a superhero straightjacket whispering “the horror…the HORROR.”
Anyway, even as he alienates our allies, Shart Garfunkel is making noises about inviting Kim Jong-un to America, where they can stay up all night playing Twister and discussing how to have disloyal family members killed. Tiffany is reportedly concerned.
President Toddler is reportedly extra-colicky that he has to go to the dumb ol’ G7 meeting where everybody hates him for crotch-stomping the global economy, and he’s probably plotting to be a douchebag on purpose, like maybe playing that Blue Da Ba Dee song on the jukebox 8 times in a row and then leaving. Anyway, hooray for more unnecessary conflicts with our oldest and closest allies!*
The Hairplug That Ate Decency sprung one last surprise on us tonight, refusing to defend the Affordable Care Act in court, and proclaiming parts of it unconstitutional, because your government hates that so many of you are alive and healthy. Coming out against the protections for customers with pre-existing conditions should be a particularly big winner in the forthcoming midterm elections.
I’ll leave you with something special. I aim to make to y’all laugh a little bit in these dark times, but trust me when I say nothing I’ve written compares to this video, documenting Mike Pants, Vice President of the most powerful nation on Earth, demonstrating his pathetic, automatic, instinctual subservience to his Spray-tanned Shitlord. Click and enjoy.
*As a point of clarification, I am not actually celebrating the President’s assaults on America’s most cherished and valuable alliances. From time to time, I employ a technique called “sarcasm,” to comic effect. Or at least that’s the intent.