Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Don’t Let the Bastards Set the Terms of the Argument, or, Screaming at Idiots on Twitter Won’t Stop the NRA
Sooooo…let’s do something a little different tonight.
Let’s talk about the battles we fight and the terms we fight them on.
Let’s talk about the “Don’t politicize the tragedy, this is a time for healing” crowd.
You don’t need me to tell you this kind of talk isn’t about “healing,” or “respect for the dead.” It’s about being on the less popular side of a divisive issue, and the sad truth that while the public will howl for common-sense/seriously-how-fucking-dumb-are-we-to-let-this-keep-happening gun control measures for awhile, well, give it a few weeks, and we’ll move on to the next thing, because that’s what we always do.
So yeah. “This is a time for healing” REALLY means “Let’s run out the clock, we don’t care about the people who died, and we sure as shit don’t care about the people who die in the next one. We just don’t give a single fuck.”
My whole news feed is full of decent, well-intentioned folks, from the highest halls of power on down to just regular people trying to do the right thing, navigating their way through this dumbass right-wing talking point as though it’s a good-faith argument worthy of addressing.
“No, this IS the time to politicize the issue, because XYZ.”
And so we get bogged down, bickering on their terms, which is, of course, the entire fucking purpose of the bullshit “argument” in the first place.
Why play along? It’s obviously nothing but an empty talking point. Just raw, unfiltered, horseshit.
So TREAT IT like horseshit. Blow straight past it without bothering to notice the idiot spouting it.
“You shouldn’t politicize the tragedy!”
“Lord, that’s a stupid fucking thing to say. ANYHOW…”
We have to stop participating on their terms. Because the right wing is extremely good at this sort of messaging. This is how “end of life counseling” becomes “DEATH PANELS HOLY SHIT OBAMA WANTS TO UNPLUG GRAMMA AND PEE ON HER WHILE SHE DIES.”
Great example of this is how the far-right media dealt with Charlottesville.
You’d think that when a bunch of white supremacist jags hold a rally with Nazi flags and swastika armbands, and their rally turns violent, and people wind up hurt and killed, choosing sides won’t be particularly tricky.
But no. After two weeks in the lunatic right wing media spin cycle, suddenly the NAZI TERRORIST took a backseat to the supposed free-roving gangs of Antifa thugs who apparently prowl the streets of every American community, salivating at the chance to beat any innocent passing conservative to a bloody pulp.
And we dutifully played along. Do you remember this? NAZI TERRORIST in jail for MURDERING AN AMERICAN CITIZEN, videos of white supremacists beating a black guy within an inch of his life, videos of Klansmen firing guns into crowds, and everyone on the left feels obligated to somberly agree that yes, Antifa is just as bad as the NAZI TERRORIST WHO KILLED SOMEBODY.
And, having been given an inch, the right gleefully takes their entirely-predictable mile. Now suddenly EVERYBODY who protests white supremacy gets swept up under the same heading; we’re ALL “Antifa.” The whole left. Suddenly the NAZI TERRORIST’S victim is “Antifa,” and thus a violent, out-of-control thug who pretty much deserved what she got.
That’s what happens when we let them set the terms of the debate. When we play by their rules.
Look at the all the disingenuous blather over the kneeling protests. As you can see from the fans who jeer players for kneeling BEFORE the anthem, this has not one minuscule fucking thing to do with “the flag,” or “the troops” or “patriotism,” it’s entirely about a one group of people saying “Black Lives Matter” and the other responding, “No. They Don’t.”
And we all KNOW that. So let’s stop wasting energy poking holes in the bullshit “argument” that’s phony anyway.
“Black Lives Matter.” “No. They Don’t.” That’s the discussion that’s ACTUALLY happening, the faux patriotism is just a flimsy shield because these fucks understand that even they can’t get away with just saying “No, Your Lives Do Not Matter.”
Why pretend we don’t see the bullshit? Why dignify it? Why allow the argument to take place on such blatantly fraudulent terms? When you see bullshit, call it bullshit.
I know there’s an impulse to engage. “Logic is on our side, surely that will win them over.” This again, assumes good faith where it simply does not exist.
The vast majority of these types are not rational or reasonable, and therefore they aren’t REACHABLE. You can throw airtight logic at them ’till the cows come home, and they’ll still go right on believing that climate change is a hoax and that John Podesta runs a child sex slavery ring from the nonexistent basement of a pizza joint.
And you can point out “Oh, you claim to believe X, but Y proves you don’t, hah hah!” So fucking what? No degree of hypocrisy can shame these people. We’re talking about a “religious” right that bellows about morality when it comes to LGBT rights, or reproductive rights, but unhesitatingly endorses a moral black hole like Donald Trump. Mitch McConnell can inhale stealing a Supreme Court seat, and exhale “Democrats are practicing obstruction on an unprecedented scale” with a smile on his face. They just don’t give a fuck.
WHATEVER THE ISSUE, the far right will find some excuse to demonize us, a fresh reason to hate us. Seriously. When presented with NAZI TERRORISM, they actually found a way to come out of a national tragedy hating us even more.
Cult45 doesn’t MIND being a cult. They ENJOY being a cult. They’re eager partners in their own brainwashing, in fact. They consume their demented, hateful, soul-warping media all day long, and honestly, they seem to enjoy it a great deal.
So I’m pretty much done politely respecting shit arguments offered in bad faith.
Fuck your feelings. You’re the “more lives snuffed out? MEH.” party, the “literally no number of human lives are more important to me than the NRA’s bank account” movement. Your position is pro-murder, and I’m not going to call it anything else from here on out.
Joe the Plumber put it quite succinctly: “Your dead kids don’t trump my out-of-control insecurity and the resulting need I have to cling to a penis substitute.” That’s what these little turds believe.
I won’t waste one more moment on any of your ridiculous “guns don’t kill people” blather, because I recognize it for what it is; a ludicrous distraction designed slow down those of us working for the changes necessary to protect human lives.
If you don’t give a fuck about all this senseless loss of life, I guess I can’t make you. You’re broken. That’s your fault, and your problem.
If you don’t understand why we should work to prevent tens of thousands of completely avoidable deaths, it’s because, frankly, you’re a shit person. You fail at humanity. Cool. I have exactly zero time for you.
I’m done listening to these lunatics. And I’m done engaging with the rage monsters trying to waste my time. I’m going over, around, and through these dipshits from now on. And you should, too.
So when the ranting maniac pops up in the comment thread to slobber about Antifa, or George Soros, or “you can’t regulate evil,” don’t give him what he wants. Don’t give him your time.
ESPECIALLY since we now know beyond the shadow of a doubt that there are better ways to spend that time. Call your Congressman. Call your Senator, your Governor. See, THAT works. Arguing with the dumbass trolls on Facebook didn’t sink the GOP health care bill, targeted, sustained activism did.
Bills don’t pass on Twitter, folks.
So, do more of that thing that works, is what I’m saying. We’re only just beginning to understand how powerful we are. Don’t despair, don’t waste time…get to work.