Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
See the Contortionist GOP Defend Their Racist Ringmaster! Watch the Clowns Hilariously Fail to Work the Phones! It’s a CIRCUS OF NEWS!
Hey there, Resisters. Just another quiet, Rockwell-esque weekend, as Americans gathered ’round the dinner table to talk about what a racist piece of trash our President is, unless of course they were cowering in the family fallout shelter.
Let’s round up the madness, shall we?
In a world where the news cycle turns over at lightspeed, it seems significant that we’re still dealing with the fallout of ShitholeGate.
Donnie Dotard seemed stunned at the negative feedback, having initially boasted to all his wealthy pals about how well his casual, reflexive hatred would play with “the base,” who would surely throw parades, and build butter sculptures of him pointing at various countries on a globe, shouting “Shithole!” from little butter speech balloons.
He’s like your jackass uncle who shouts slurs at the waitress and gets you kicked out of the restaurant, only the restaurant is the entire global community. And now the entire African Union demands (and deserves) an apology.
So now we’re at the point where Congressmen are boycotting the State of the Union, because yes, our President, like Richard Spencer or David Duke, is the sort of white supremacist shitpile that decent human beings simply refuse to share a room with.
Shit, you even made Anderson Cooper cry, you cheap, bloated, bigot.
Now, the GOP, having more or less thrown in the towel on the whole “morality” thing, circled the wagons around the Grand Wizard Grifter. One popular take was that this is just how Real Muricans talk all the time, and that it’s just a handful of coastal elitist cucks who actually believe that crap about being “created equal.”
Folks. Literal Nazis are celebrating these remarks. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I always figured “real” Americans would want to be on the side without the Nazis. And yet here we are, with an endless stream of prominent conservatives, many serving in our government, minimizing, ignoring, excusing, or even supporting the garbage that has the Daily Stormer crowd tap dancing in their jackboots.
Then there those who said the problem wasn’t Drumpf’s racism, but the fact that Dick Durbin violated Bro Code by letting America know about it. Rand Paul even went on the Sunday Shoz to whinge about how “unfair” the whole thing is to Government Cheese Goebbels, how it’s tough to get immigration legislation done with everybody calling the President racist JUST BECAUSE he’s really really really racist.
And despite multiple contradicting eyewitness accounts, Senators Tom Cotton and David Perdue went from “Shithole? Gosh, I don’t remember anyone saying shithole!” to “Dick Durbin is a filthy liar and how dare he besmirch the honor of our President, who is pure as a fawn and would surely never say anything so crass!” in twenty-four short hours.
Yeah, it’s really tough to believe the Shart’s in any way racist. Certainly not when we get stories about him dismissing a career hostage expert as a “pretty Korean lady” who should therefore be negotiating with Kim Jong-un, or the one where he expected the entire Congressional Black Caucus to be best buds with Ben Carson and thought all welfare recipients are black.
Meanwhile, Virgin Hate Zombie Stephen Miller seems have veto power over the bipartisan deal a bunch of Senators worked out last week, yet somehow Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot believes he can get America to blame Democrats for any collapse in DACA talks, because holy hell he is a great big fucking idiot.
(Shit, his racism is so overt and incessant, it’s contributing to the non-stop scrotum-stomping he’s receiving in the courts. And now the administration has complied with the court order to continue accepting DACA renewals. Tired of winning yet?)
And we can officially add “England” to the list of things our alleged Tuff Guy President is terrified of, along with the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, the Kennedy Center, Nobel Laureates, and Interviews with Real Journalists.
Yes, the Hairplug That Ate Decency cancelled his trip to Great Britain, because he is not man enough to face protesters, even super-polite English ones. He made up a magnificently lame and dishonest excuse, trying to blame Obama for something W did, but we know the real reason, Donnie…you’re just a wimp.
What’s this? Sultan Spraytan paid out a six-figure hush money settlement to a porn star? Remember when we lived in a country where that would’ve destroyed a politician’s career? Fun times.
I dunno, though. 130 grand to have sex with that grotesque, swollen, tick? Seems light to me. Half a million, plus a blindfold, minimum.
Republicans just looooooooove spreading unsubstantiated conspiracy theories about the Clinton Foundation, so I bet they’re gonna be super-consistent and get real mad at Eric Trump now, right? Cuz America’s Least Favorite Child of the Corn has been taking money from donors and passing it along to the family business, all while lying and saying the Drumpf Organization was donating their resources for free!
Oh well, I shouldn’t throw stones. Who among us hasn’t stolen 150 grand from charity? You sort of wonder if Eric’s charity money isn’t the very same cash that wound up in Stormy Daniels’ pocket, don’t you?
And we learned about Chris Matthews prepping for an interview with Hillary Clinton during the 2016 primaries by making himself a little date rape joke, how fun!
Living through these insane goddamn days, aren’tcha glad that so much of the narrative about the first female presidential candidate got set by creepy old dudes like Matthews and Matt Lauer? Thanks, guys! Without you, maybe we wouldn’t know the joys of hearing our Commander-in-Chief talk about how great white supremacists are in the wake of a white supremacist terror attack!
Russian group Fancy Bear is back, and regrettably, they are government-affiliated hackers and not an electropop act touring with Cut Copy. First, they hacked the DNC, and now they’re after the U.S. Senate, wheeeee!
It would sure be neat if our federal government would do something radical like, y’know, defend the nation from cyberattacks, but we all know Boss Shart doesn’t wanna piss off his Kremlin supervisors.
John Feeley was the ambassador to Panama and a long-serving diplomat, but he decided enough was enough, he could no longer work for the Neanderthal Fascist polluting the Oval Office, because, presumably, he has one of those “moral compass” thingies that seem to be in such short supply in Washington these days.
Team Assclown entered the week desperate to prove they’re not the blundering fuck-ups depicted in Fire and Fury, even though months of reporting from multiple outlets confirms they’re precisely the blundering fuck-ups depicted in Fire and Fury.
Well, damn if their competence wasn’t on full display during a major conference call on Iran, when the people in charge of the most powerful war machine in human history demonstrated that they don’t know how to work THEIR OWN FUCKING PHONE SYSTEM. I for one feel super secure and safe.
For further adventures in restoring Americans’ confidence in their Clown Car on Fire Government, your leaders released what purported to be a declaration of our porcine Prez’s flawless health…and misspelled the fucking doctor’s name.
Misspelled the doctor’s name. Jesus fuck. You sort of imagine Shartboy sending notes down to General Kelly’s desk, that read, “Donald cannot come to work today, he is very sick. Sincerely, Donald’s Mom.”
On this week’s episode of The Best People, anti-choice extremist Teresa Manning, who for reasons beyond comprehension had been a high-ranking HHS official, got booted from the building by security after what we’re assured was an enthusiastically voluntary resignation.
Don’t worry, though! Manning has been replaced by Valerie Huber, a genius-level intellect who imagines you can talk teenagers out of fucking each other. Give this people enough time, and they will surely eliminate the scourge of common sense from our government.
And then, just as you were settling in to contemplate a news cycle so thoroughly insane that we’d collectively forgotten the story about the Governor of Missouri taping a naked woman to exercise equipment so he could photograph her nude in order to blackmail her, the whole Hawaii thing happened.
C’mon. Admit it. You’re a little surprised we lasted almost a year before the first Nuclear annihilation scare.
So yeah, there was a wee little pinch of human error, and a text message went out saying “Ballistic missile on the way, folks! Did you ever write that novel you were always talkin’ about? No? Well, TOO BAD!”
And of course there was panic and terror and despair in the aftermath, and it took 40 minutes to send out a corrective follow-up message, but people were understandably quite shaken. But fear not, your President leaned into his Consoler-in-Chief role by swiftly taking to the airwaves and…just kidding, he golfed all day long. Blue state? He doesn’t give a fuck about you.
Wouldja believe we’re STILL not done hearing about Roy Moore? It seems the Pedophile For Senate Brigade are still screaming like toddlers that their favorite pervert was unjustly robbed of his destiny, and now they want to put Alabama’s other Republican Senator, Richard Shelby, in time out for his controversial “Child Molesters Are Bad” position. This is, I’m told, the real world.
Trey Gowdy, the Inspector Clouseau of the endless/mindless Benghazi investigation, resigned from the House Ethics Committee, likely because somebody finally explained to him what “ethics” are. “Shit, y’all,” chuckled Gowdy Doody, “I don’t know how ANY Republicans can sit in on those meetings with a straight face,” before returning to the taxing work of ignoring the President’s Emoluments Clause violations.
And Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet declared war on one of his friendliest media outlets, the Wall Street Journal, over whether he said “I” or “I’d” in a lengthy interview where he otherwise comes off like a blithering maniac. Both the Shart House and Journal released audio of the interview as proof of their position. Now, I’ve listened to the damn tape, and I have to conclude, as in all things with Trump…there is simply no D there, or at the very best, it is too small to be discernible.
I see Retreating Senator Jeff Flake is taking a little vacation from Voting For Every Single Thing Trump Wants to give a speech calling him a “Stalinist” on the floor of the Senate tomorrow. I guess we’re suppose to say that’s all brave and special and shit, but you have to wonder why Flake voted to confirm every single one of the Stalinist’s shitty, under-qualified judges and cabinet members.
Oh, and I see General Kelly’s moving to hide Sharty McFly’s schedule, now that it’s leaked out he blocks out most of the day for “Executive Time” marathon teevee and twitter sessions. Cowards.
Anyway, that’s all for tonight folks. I’m gonna go have a brew or two with some totally real, made-in-America, all-American, Americans, and I’ll bet we get through the whole evening without any hate speech at all.