Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Seriously, this shit has to be an elaborate prank, right? RIGHT?
Whelp, the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg Beauregard takes his turn on the hot seat tomorrow; he tried to sneak by with a private hearing, but nobody was having any of that shit, so America gets to watch the Yokel of Injustice refuse to answer questions tomorrow afternoon, live! in stunning Technicolor!
Keep your eye on the lawsuit filed by the Maryland and D.C. Attorneys General* regarding the Shart Administration’s violations of the emoluments clause. These OG AGs say their first target will be the ever-elusive Trumpal tax returns, which surely contain some serious shit if he’s still holding on to them. I really can’t imagine what he’s hiding that’s worth the backlash and headache. Direct deposits labeled “Putin bribe fund?” 10,000 per month for pee hookers? Sponsorship of the Annual Goldman Sachs Kitten and Puppy BBQ? Kickstarter to relaunch Walker: Texas Ranger? I don’t know what it is, but it’s gotta be fucking AWFUL.
I hear that MINO (That’s “Maverick in Name Only”) John McCain told some folks that America was better off under Barack Hussein Obama than it is under Donald J (The J stands for “Shit-eating Assclown”) Trump, before returning to the Senate to continue voting for EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING DRUMPF ASKS FOR because John-John plays it the company way, every goddamn time.
Would-be Soylent Green Factory Foreman Mick Mulvaney told us he’s “never going back” to electoral politics once he goes down with the rest of the Shartanic, proving that even the darkest clouds have a silver fucking lining.
Meanwhile, certain corners of the right-wing media Bubba-ul feigned outrage that Kirsten Gillibrand used the F(uck) Word, before the party got back to rearranging the health care system into a poor-people-murdering machine at the behest of their pussy-grabbing leader.
Oh, and Princess Ivanka went on Fux and Friendz to complain about how VICIOUS the political culture is, somehow oblivious to all the violence-inciting, sexual-assaulting, minority-blaming, family-wrecking, DREAMer-deporting, race-baiting, law-breaking, constitution-wrecking, and health-care-obliterating her shitbag Daddy’s been up to. Compare the “viciousness” your skidmark family deals with to the legit cruelty of Paul Ryan stealing health care from cancer patients because the Plebe Class doesn’t deserve retirement, Princess, and once you’re done, why don’t you just go fuck yourself for all eternity.
Megyn Kelly continues her Great Assholes of the Twenty-First Century series this coming Sunday night with a special interview with Lunatic Hate Monster Alex Jones. That NBC announced an interview with a “Sandy Hook Truther” on the anniversary of the Pulse massacre is in such horrendous taste you’d think the idea emanated from Steve Bannon’s desk. Anyhow, JP Morgan Chase pulled its ads from NBC in response, and I hope Megyn’s interview draws fewer viewers than a televised Scrabble tournament, because fuck everybody who decided to give Alex Jones a bigger platform.
A week from Sunday, Kelly will probably interview Idi Amin’s ghost. Or Bill Cosby.
Anyhow, we’re learning more and more about the team of utterly unqualified lawyers the Marmalade Shartcannon has hired to deal with the hurricane-grade shitstorm of scandal he’s in. He’s got a team of lawyers with tremendous expertise…in totally irrelevant fields. It’s a bit like assembling an Ocean’s 11-esque squad of elite criminals…to face the Golden State Warriors in a basketball game.
Mark Corallo made the laughably incorrect argument that US Attorneys work for the President rather than people. Real estate lawyer Marc Kasowitz told Shart House staff not to worry about hiring their own attorneys, and allegedly wants office space in the actual White House. Jay Sekulow, primarily an operative for the religious right, suggests his boss might fire Robert Mueller. Point is, this pathetic clownstack is totally unsuited to the battle they’ve been hired to fight. FUCKING GOOD.
Mitch McConnell has decided to keep the Senate’s Murder bill, excuse me “Health Care Reform” bill, secret until 11 seconds before he holds a vote on it, because he’s a sharp cookie who knows the American people don’t want to die from treatable ailments just so the richest people in the country can have enough money to buy sports teams and islands and I assume slaves will be on the table by 2019. I guess the plan is to slip the bill through in the dead of night and count on Boss Shart to suspend democracy before they have to face the consequences.
Meanwhile, the collection of Dickens villains calling themselves the House Freedom Caucus are threatening to take Drumpf’s tax plan hostage unless he starves even MORE serfs to death, because Mark Meadows owes the Grim Reaper some poker debts, I guess.
Spankin’ New Montana Congressthug Greg Gianforte was sentenced today. 40 hours of community service, a little anger management, and a fee lower than the cost of an iPhone. That’s the price a public servant pays in the United States of America when he assaults a member of the press. I’ll be that’ll make the current regime think twice before they continue making lightly veiled threats of violence against the filthy, subhuman Lügenpresse! In other news, a poll revealed that a full 42% of Shart voters say bodyslamming a reporter is “appropriate,” sleep tight.
The cabinet finally gathered for their first meeting this afternoon, which is totally normal, right? The Congealed Fart That Won the Electoral College spoke first, celebrating himself for accomplishing more than All the Presidents Ever, which is totally true if you just ignore the first 44 of them. He got mad at Democrats for obstructing all the nominations he has failed to make, and also for making his gigantic ass look fat in his golf pants, and for his stupid haircut, and for that time Stone Cold Steve Austin stunned him.
And then shit got good and righteously weird, as he made the whole Cabinet go around in a circle and talk about Great and Big-Handed he is, and because the Venn Diagram of “Republicans” and “People with Dignity” looks like a pair of spectacles, they obliged one by one. Nobody kissed ass quite like Rinse Pubis, whose little speech was possibly more spineless than all the jellyfish in all the oceans in all the world, but when the whole ritual was over, the rest of the Cabinet made him eat the soggy cracker anyway.
(Google “Soggy Cracker” if you don’t know what I’m talking about. You’re welcome.)
Chuck Schumer cut a little video trolling those groveling sycophants over all the orange dookie they got on their lips on CNN this afternoon, possibly because he’s angling for a Netflix standup special. Look it up, it’s good for a yuck.
Vlad Putin took time away from impersonating Nosferatu today just long enough to have a leading opposition figure jailed, and his fan club president, a certain unnamed bloated golfer, wrote him a long gushing love note about how Tuff and Strong he is, and how he wishes he could throw Jake Tapper and Nancy Pelosi and David Frum into a gulag, do you have any tips, and then he sprayed perfume on the letter and sealed it with a kiss and told Paul Ryan to hand-deliver it, and Paul Ryan did, because he has a wad of stale chewing gum where most people have a soul.
Pumpkin Spice Goebbels’ travel ban got held up in another court today, either because it’s super-duper-unconstitutional, or because all judges are cucks, depending on where you get your news. Sources say Stephen Miller was so upset he smacked his forehead so hard that his bald patch expanded into international waters.
Oh hey, and Human Rights Watch is investigating the United States for possible Geneva Convention violations, because the rampaging tumor that is our current administration isn’t content to just fuck shit up in this hemisphere. Is the U.S. military illegally, and fucking horrifically, exploding white phosphorus over populated areas in Raqqa? As evil as the fucks running the country are, God I hope they haven’t stooped this low. We shall see.
Illinois Representative Mike Quigley introduced some legislation that would make a certain tiny-fingered, thin-skinned, wannabe Pol Pot’s tweets official Presidential records, with all the responsibility and legal implications that go along with that, and because Democrats can crack wise, chew gum, and fight for justice all at once, he called it the COVFEFE ACT, and my sources tell me he rubbed his balls on it before submitting it to congress.
Cheez-It-Late-Period-Brando’s poll numbers continue to seek the lowest point of the Mariana Trench. 36-59 today. It’s almost as though insulting Schwarzenegger’s ratings and enabling coal-ash dumping into public water supplies haven’t made America great again. (“Strongly approve” is down to 20%. TEE FUCKING HEE.)
Three U.S. soldiers were killed in Afghanistan on Saturday, and our President hasn’t said one single word about them. But he sure as shit had time to call James Comey a coward and hang out with the Clemson football team, because the withered raisin that is our President’s ego will always, ALWAYS matter more to him than any other human beings’ lives.
Oh, and apparently SCROTUS wants to fire Rugged Robert Mueller to keep him from investigating All The Crimes, but all his aides are like “SWEET JESUS DON’T DO THAT,” but they’ve had so much success getting him to stop tweeting I don’t have a lot of hope on this front so I’ll see y’all at the constitutional crisis on Thursday.
There’s more. There’s ALWAYS FUCKING MORE. There’s shit about the G7’s climate statement and a fucking bill to make it easier to buy silencers because there’s not quite enough murder in America, and there’s a new article of impeachment, and I guess Dennis Rodman is going to North Korea, what could go wrong? I read this crap all goddamn day long and I can barely keep up. Shit be cray, is all I’m sayin’.
*How fucking cool do I feel for getting to say “Attorneys General” in my post tonight? I feel like, 87% of Leonard Cohen cool.