Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Shart on a Hot Tin Roof
Before we get started tonight, I want to do something a little different. This blog can come off a little bit Anti-Trump, but I want everybody to know that I am both fair AND balanced, and I am fully capable of giving credit where credit is due.
So a big fat fucking congratulations to President Shitgeyser on the official 1,000th Lie of His Presidency! Hell, I bet his real name isn’t even Donald.
Where did we leave off last night…the Afghanistan speech? That was just a day ago? ONE DAY? Fuck me.
Well, Steve Bannon seems real bitter that Dorito Mussolini jumped into bed with the Generals so soon after their break-up last week, as evidenced by Breitbart taking a big fat dump on SCROTUS’ Afghanistan War flip-flop.
I know it hurts, Steve. They haven’t even gotten the smell of cheap vodka barf out of the carpet in your old office, and he’s already giving lap dances to the globalist cucks, and you’re wondering if he ever really loved you.
No one could love you, Bannon. Fuckin’ just look at you.
Anyhow, what’ll really burn Donnie’s wide orange ass is learning that Barry O’s Afghan Quagmire Ramp-Up Speech got MUCH higher ratings. That’s right, you can’t even escalate an unpopular war correctly, You Shart, You.
Word is, H.R. McMaster manipulated Little Donnie Smallhands into sending more American kids to die in the Graveyard of Empires by showing him a decades-old photograph of Afghan girls in mini-skirts. So yeah, our Idiot Manchild President is surrounded by military men who understand exactly how to manipulate him. SLEEP TIGHT.
Let’s just say I’m keeping my eye on any sudden raises in the age of draftability.
Speaker Ryan, having been cucked out of his prime time CNN spot, was further cucked by the Nun who asked him “Why’re you so shitty to poor folks, son? Don’tchoo know God’s gonna give you a wedgie for all eternity?”
Ryan clenched his teeth for a moment, briefly contemplating expressing his fantasy vision wherein the Slovenly Takers of the Catholic Sisterhood would be sent to work in the mines for the benefit of the Most Holy Capitalist Class, before belching up some nonsense about upward mobility or something, who gives a fuck?
(A musical theatre extravaganza based on Ryan’s life, titled “Cucked by a Nun,” featuring songs by a libertarian Bruce Springsteen cover band, is currently in pre-production.)
Word is the Shart of the Deal, having grown tired of
winning humiliating defeat, is attempting to lure Democrats into financing his Shitty, Unpopular, Border Wall by dangling the fates of the DREAMers as bait.
He really doesn’t understand how comically, historically unpopular and ineffective he is, does he? It’s like he’s trying to bluff while holding his cards backwards, where everyone can see them. You’d feel bad for him if he wasn’t such an enormous, bleeding, butthole.
Oh, and wasn’t that shit with Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag’s failed starlet spouse just a goddamn delight? Surely, nothing screams “Populism” like a plutocrat’s trophy wife, derisively mocking the poors as she pisses their taxpayer money away jetting around the country, boasting about a frivolous, vanity wardrobe that costs enough to pay off the average American’s mortgage, and put their kids through college.
Mikey Hairshirt weighed in on the Confederate monuments controversy, declaring himself to be generally in favor of MORE monuments rather than less. “Shit, let’s build some statues to Beetlejuice, or Jesse from Full House! Maybe a big bronze sculpture of Tom Cruise in TROPIC THUNDER, who I am not all sexually attracted to,” Pence declared, before excusing himself to the nearest restroom to violently masturbate for half an hour or so.
Pence also used the term “some contemporary political cause” to describe the decades-old movement to remove monuments honoring Treasonous Loser Racist Shitbags like Robert E. Lee, because treating African-Americans like equal citizens who maybe don’t deserve to walk around amongst crappy, mass-produced statues lionizing those who fought a whole fucking war to preserve the right to own them like property is basically a fad that may or may not outlast the fidget spinner.
Tucker Carlson praised the Man With Phalangeal Stunting for directly staring into the eclipse like a fucking moron, calling it “the most impressive thing any President has ever done,” because you have to really dig for bright spots when your boy is incapable of passing legislation, I guess.
Seriously though…Taft Putting on Pants is more “impressive” than this carbuncled dumbass burning out his retinas.
Politico tells us that Democrats have begun doing 2020 opposition research on a number of Republicans, ranging from Mike Pence to John Kasich to That One Muppet That’s a Blue Eagle or Some Shit, cuz there’s no fuckin’ way Littlefinger lasts four whole years.
And a bunch of pro-Shart rallies got cancelled, and that’s totally because of the marauding bands of machete-wielding Antifa cyborgs, and not at all because nobody wanted to show up, DO YE DOUBT MY HONOR AS A CHARTER MEMBER OF THE CHUBBY YOUNG KLANSMEN OF AMURICA (glove slap)?
Christopher Steele has reportedly informed the FBI of the sources he used to compile his famous dossier. No word on whether or not the individual piss hookers have been identified at this point, but the noose is a-tightenin’, Shart-Shart.
Oh and what’s this now? The Failing New York Times sez that Papa Tortoise and Mama Poostick are FIGHTING. Drumpfy and Mitch McConnell haven’t spoken in weeks, and they’re going after each other on Twitter and in private speeches, and Ron Johnson’s crying “YOU’RE TEARING ME APART” in the corner.
Will this Clowncar of Rectums be able to cut rich white dudes’ taxes? Tune in next week, same Shart time, same Shart channel.
So Bannon’s mad at Drumpf, Drumpf’s mad at McConnell, McConnell’s mad at Drumpf, it’s gettin’ like a Tennessee Williams play up in here. I shall call it…”Shart on a Hot Tin Roof.”
And of course Il Douche gathered a pathetically tiny crowd of the saddest, oldest, angriest white rubes in Phoenix for a little ego boost. He raged and bitched and moaned for a bit, delighted to find the last room full of idiots who still believe he’s doing his job well.
He demagogued for a bit, and raged at the media to the cheers of a handful of the shittiest people Arizona could dig up. I bet it made him feel good. Now he has to go back to the reality of Washington, D.C., where he’s accomplished less than if a six-week-old copy of Penthouse Magazine were President.
Hope you enjoyed yourself tonight, Shart-O. Tonight was your safe space.
Anyhow, as y’all can objectively observe…shit be cray.