Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Shithead President Opens Shithole Mouth, Shits From It. And Other News.
Even by our current Cuckoo’s Nest standards, this has been an unusually nutty week, right? My news feed has been like a meth lab full of howler monkeys. This one’s gonna take a while, so let’s dive right in…
So, a number of Congressional Republicans, in partnership with their willing media lackeys, have been desperately pushing this narrative where the whole Russia investigation was instigated by the Steele Dossier, which was in turn nothing but a maliciously fictional partisan Mad Lib, concocted by Steele over wine coolers with Huma Abedin, probably while giving Vince Foster’s skull a leisurely eye-socket fuck.
Now, this spin has never been anything but desperate comically-fabricated horse poo, but when your base falls for shit like pizzagate, Benghazi, and, well, Donald Fucking Trump, the evidentiary standard is…not high.
Still, Senator Diane Feinstein realized she was sitting on concrete proof that said horse poo was indeed horse poo and not delicious, delicious cake, and so she released the Fusion GPS transcript to the entire world.
And there was, as the poet said, much rejoicing.
The transcripts are full of fun shit like “A whistleblower from Drumpfland went to the FBI and so the Dossier confirmed info they already had,” and “Steele stopped talking to the FBI because he thought they were too pro-Trump,” but of course the biggest takeaway is that Chuck Grassley and the rest of the GOP are using all of their considerable powers to shield the Grifter-in-Chief from any consequences for his many crimes, and they’ve been lying to the American people to discredit anyone working to hold him accountable.
…one of the great things about being a Democrat in 2018 is how secure we get to be in knowing we’re the good guys. Like, I’m for…free speech, an independent judiciary, and y’know, the rule of law. The other team…isn’t. I am really quite confident in the whiteness of my hat.
Boy howdy, there ain’t enough left of Steve Bannon to spread on a piece of Melba toast.
Fresh off Stephen Miller tap-dancing all over his scrotum on CNN, Bannon showed up to work at Breitbart, only to find Mamma Mercer changed all the locks. Then he got fired from SiriusXM, too. Most hurtfully, the man who only recently graced the cover of Time Magazine as the power behind the throne even lost his gig as spokesthing for the International Society of Creepy Dudes With Open Facial Sores.
The harder they fall, indeed. Can Bannon sink lower? Maybe tomorrow a hobo will show up at his front door to repossess his liver?
Speaking of the Dregs of Humanity, Disgraced-n’-Pardoned American Concentration Camp Operator Joe Arpaio announced a bid for the open Senate seat in Arizona, because there are some Very Fine People in the Grand Canyon State.
With Roy Moore and now Arpaio, I admit to a sort of morbid curiosity regarding just how low the GOP can go with their candidate recruiting. Richard Spencer? Charley Manson’s ghost? Random Jagoff Who Anonymously Spray-Paints Swastikas on Garage Doors in the Middle of the Night?
The Daily Beast tells us that some enterprising young traitor on Il Douche’s national security team proposed withdrawing a bunch of American troops from Eastern Europe as kind of a “We’re new in town, just trying to be neighborly” gift for Putin. I dunno, rather than capitulating to the historic rival that attacked our democracy…maybe just bring a casserole?
A couple of federal judges struck down the ridiculous congressional district map gerrymandered by the utterly-terrified-to-face-their-voters-in-a-fair-fight North Carolina Republican Party.
It’s good we’re stopping this when we are; the next step the NC GOP was likely to try would have involved amorphous, perpetually-shifting gerrymanders that tracked African-American voters via GPS and re-shaped minute by minute. Districts that follow Democrats into the goddamn grocery store and back.
Oh, and the chairman of the NC GOP seems to think it only counts as gerrymandering…if the district’s outline looks like…hang on, it’s embarrassing to actually type this…if it looks like a monster. Like, it’s not a gerrymander if it doesn’t make a scary dinosaur noise. You probably think I’m making that up. Nope.
Ryan Zinke gave his buddy Rick Scott a note that says “Ricky does not have to allow offshore drilling in the coastal waters off his state, because he’s a rich Republican we want to run for the Senate, and the new rules are only for dumb ol’ blue states anyway.” Pretty much every other governor is seeking a similar waiver, so we’ll see what standards Cowboy Z pulls out of his ass.
Stinging from the publication of a book that depicts him as a blundering, know-nothing man-baby, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops decided to televise an immigration meeting to show off his fourth-grade speaking level. As is his habit, he agreed with anything anyone else said, at one point endorsing the Democrats’ preferred solution.
Still, the usual suspects in the media praised him for getting through an hour-long meeting without pelting any legislators with wads of fresh shit, such are the microscopic standards for Presidential competence nowadays.
My personal favorite manifestation of Littlefinger’s crippling insecurity is the way he’ll invent fake declarations of extravagant praise. “People said it was the best speech they’ve ever heard. Abraham Lincoln rose from the grave, and said my speech was so good that he would shove the original Gettysburg Address up his ass in shame, because it sucked so hard next to my speech.”
Does he imagine anyone believes him when he says shit like “Oh yeah, a bunch of news anchors sent me letters saying I ran the greatest meeting in human history. Beautiful, handwritten letters, on scented stationary, and also gift baskets full of summer sausages and exotic spreadable cheeses. Wolf Blitzer actually gave me the Valentine’s chocolates he bought for his wife, and a slinky negligee that he said I would look much better in.”
Darrell Issa tragically robbed his district of the pleasure of booting his sorry plutocrat ass to the curb this November, joining the You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit club like so many of his Republican colleagues. But rumors suggest Darrell may simply be seeking a safer district to run from, which is kind of magnificently pathetic.
As one of the wealthiest jags in Congress, Issa plans to spend his newly-won tax windfall constructing a replica of his old House Oversight Committee room on his front lawn, from which he shall while away his golden years, interrogating the neighborhood children for lacking the proper permits for their lemonade stands.
Ben Cardin, having raised his hand patiently for months from the back row of the Senate, finally stood up to remind everyone how that Putin boy from across the Atlantic gave American democracy a big ol’ wedgie, and how President Shartcannon hasn’t even picked it out of the country’s ass yet, let alone taken any measures to prevent the inevitable future wedgie attempts.
Oh, and in his most populist act to date, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting announced he’ll be attending the Davos Globalist Cuck Shuffleboard Tournament and Swap Meet in a couple weeks. He’s even letting Steve Mnuchin and Wilbur Ross tag along, for extra populism, I guess. Henry F. Potter wasn’t available?
In a joint press conference with the Prime Minister of Norway, the Dwarf-Dicked Dotard boasted about all the F-52 fighter planes he’d delivered to our fjord-rich allies. Now, that the F-52 exists only in Call of Duty video games is, I assure you, an insignificant detail. The President went on to vow to rid our allies in the Mushroom Kingdom of Goombas and Koopa Troopas, ranting at length about “Bitchy Bowser.”
Oh, and the President of the United States of America wants to take another look at that whole “free speech” thing. It’s gettin’ out of control, you see. Did you know people are even allowed to criticize the President?
And while nothing will come of his petulant blathering about “libel laws,” let’s just appreciate for a moment how casually this swollen nitwit proposes limiting one of our great constitutional freedoms, just because one dude wrote some shit he didn’t like.
Oh, and when a federal judge ordered the Shart Administration to continue processing DACA renewal applications, Velveeta Himmler fell back on his old habit of assaulting the American court system, which he calls “broken and unfair” because it didn’t give him what he wanted.
See, this is why we’re about to administer a historic electoral drubbing to the Republican Party. Is it really so much to ask you fucks to stand up for our rights? For the checks and balances that guarantee our freedom? For our Constitution?
I guess it is, because I didn’t hear a single Republican CongressThing push back on any of these assaults. Oh well. November’s coming, motherfuckers. Tick tock.
Team Shart granted Deutsche Bank a waiver from punishment over their past criminal acts, and all DB had to do was loan the President tens of millions of dollars when nobody else would touch him after his long, documented, history of fiscal failures! Maybe the Trump Administration isn’t working out for workin’ folks, but for bankers at the highest levels of high finance, things’re goin’ just fine, thank you very much!
The Stock Market absorbed a taint punt as word leaked that the Canadians believe Trump will pull the United States out of NAFTA, because, as the past year has demonstrated, the Shart of the Deal isn’t capable of actually making deals of any kind.
Robert Mueller added Ryan K. Dickey, an experienced cyber-crimes prosecutor, to his crack team of mutant ninja lawyers, which already includes experts in fraud, corruption, money-laundering, demolitions, safecracking, and that one guy who’s really good with knives, I think his name was James Coburn or something.
Anyhow, Donnie Two-Scoops can’t even imagine why mean ol’ Bob Mueller would want to talk to him, what with the whole Russia thing being being a hoax and all. Maybe Bob just wants golf tips. CNN says the President’s allies are screaming “FUCK NO, DON’T TALK TO MUELLER! Are you INSANE? You can’t order McDonald’s without committing perjury, you dumb fuck!”
Golly, Pete Hoekstra got his ass good n’ righteously spanked by the Dutch media, didn’t he? We need to get some of those Dutch reporters over here, Sarah Huckabee Sanders’d just lock herself in her office.
USAToday reports that Tangerine Idi Amin sold millions of dollars worth of real estate during his first year in office, mostly to buyers using secretive limited liability companies, which masks their names from the public. So yeah, folks bribing the President of the United States for lord knows what reason, and we aren’t even allowed to find out who. That’s NEAT, isn’t it?
Carrier laid off a couple hundred more workers because their jobs have been shipped to Mexico, but DON’T WORRY, as per the agreement worked out by Trump and Pence, they’ll still be receiving their $700,000 corporate welfare check from the government! Truly, now that we’re giving taxpayer money to corporations that outsource manufacturing jobs, AMERICA IS FINALLY GREAT AGAIN.
Oh, and the Shart Administration decided states should be allowed to impose work requirements on Medicaid recipients, so when your boss takes his tax cut and then moves your job someplace where they pay wages in saltines anyway, that means you don’t deserve to be alive, you filthy taker! And if you get sick or hurt while looking for a job? Sorry, Cuck! Health care is for closers!
Some conflict on the House Intelligence Committee, as Ranking Democrat Adam Schiff wants to call “dozens more” witnesses while Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes would rather stick his fingers in his ears and go “LALALALALALA” until the whole Russia thing blows over.
Kellyanne Conway got all fake mad that the dirty librul news media thinks her boss keeps talking about Hillary Clinton, because he doesn’t talk about Hillary Clinton, and then he started tweeting about Hillary Clinton. Kellyanne is even shitty at gaslighting.
Further demonstrating his policy chops, Fat Q*Bert rage-tweeted a total reversal of his administration’s FISA renewal policy, because of something he saw on the television machine. Everybody scrambled to remind him what he “really” thinks, of course, but what happens when the shitbags on Fux n’ Frenz take a bunch of mushrooms and do a segment on how the President should murder all the firstborn children in the land?
Rising GOP Star/Missouri governor Eric Greitens burst onto the national stage in spectacular fashion late Wednesday night! Did he announce a bold new policy to benefit his constituents? Break through partisan gridlock, revealing himself to be the leader America needs? Figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Nah, he just got caught in an extramarital affair. Oh, and accused of taping his mistress to some pull-up rings so he could photograph her naked in order to blackmail her into silence. Oh, and he also maybe hit her.
Anyway, congrats, Eric! I didn’t even know Missouri HAD a governor when I woke up yesterday! Now you’re FAMOUS!
WaPo dropped a humiliating little profile of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, who is apparently racisting as hard as his little elfin legs will let him, and even unethically opening investigations into his boss’ political opponents, but he just can’t get no respect! Poor Jefferson! Eat a bag of dicks, you’ll feel better!
Oh, an Putin congratulated Kim Jong-un for being “shrewd and mature” and totally owning the US in the game of nuclear brinksmanship we’re all trapped in. Of course, Smallhands Magoo, who rarely lets criticism pass with “counter-punching,” simply absorbed this kick in the pants from Uncle Vlad, perhaps even offering a “thank you sir, may I have another,” because you just can’t yell at your boss, right?
Meanwhile, Fire and Fury is a bestseller, probably because Shartboy and his team can’t stop promoting it. Seriously, folks. This dipshit, who doesn’t understand that drawing attention to this book only means more people will read it, thinks he can renegotiate trade agreements and treaties.
You know, some people would say our President is racist. Well, would a racist fuck up an immigration meeting by calling Haiti and the ENTIRE CONTINENT OF AFRICA “shithole countries?”
…oh yeah, that’s exactly what a racist would do. Anyhow, the Candycorn Skidmark suggested we take more immigrants from places like Norway instead. Now, help me out, how are Norwegians different from Africans or Haitians? HMMMMMM…are they taller? I JUST CAN’T PUT MY FINGER ON WHERE THE DIFFERENCE LIES, KIDS! IT’S A GODDAMN MYSTERY TO ME.
Anyhow, a bipartisan group of Senators had worked out a compromise on immigration that would’ve protected DREAMers, before they ran into the Shithole Conundrum. Before that, they were already worried White Supremacist Dork Stephen Miller would fuck everything up. I guess there’s a bigger obstacle.
ShitholeGate took over the news this evening, eclipsing the even-more-worrisome tidbit from an interview with the Wall Street Journal where Boss Shart casually mentioned that the private texts of a couple of FBI agents criticizing him were basically treason.
Got that? Insufficient fealty is TREASONOUS now. Jesus fuck.
Holy hell, that was one heapin’ helpin’ of bat shit, wasn’t it? I can’t leave y’all like this. Let me give you some GOOD news. How about the latest generic congressional polling? Democrats at PLUS SEVENTEEN? Mmmmmmmm…that’s SEXY.
Ok. Be good everybody, Cap’s gonna go grab a much-needed beer now.