Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Shower Cap’s Super Duper Pooper Scooper Roundup of Another Week in Hell
Well, friends, I was worried for a moment that I was experiencing symptoms of somethin’ sorta serious, but then I remembered that my throat was only sore from screaming YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME at the news all day, and my headache was likely the result of pounding my forehead against the wall in reaction to the latest idiocy, so I think I’m safe for now. So come, scream along with me!
Hey look, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster, in a criminal act of such extreme lunacy and malice as would have ended most previous presidencies altogether, baselessly accused a political critic, Mornin’ Joe Scarborough, of murder, and not only wasn’t it headline news, you’ll have forgotten about it completely by the end of this post.
With coronavirus outbreaks ravaging prisons around the world, you’ll no doubt be delighted to learn Punchable Paul Manafort has been released to the safety of home confinement, to serve out the remainder of his sentence in the company of his beloved, hideous, ostrich jacket. I guess it was too much to hope that a wealthy white dude would actually be punished for committing multiple felonies, and, y’know…betraying his nation and all.
The Grand Wizard Grifter has been pressuring the CDC to undercount coronavirus deaths, blissfully deluding himself that this clusterfuck isn’t already miles past the point where he can spin the results as evidence of his mega-awesome leadership skillz. Old man, you’re trying to stuff the cat back into the bag, but the bag has since been filled with THE BODIES OF AMERICANS WHO DIED FROM COVID-19 BECAUSE YOU ARE SHIT AT YOUR JOB.
Iowa Nazi Steve King claims the House GOP is about to reverse his banishment from his old committee assignments, so that he can run for re-election as an actual Congressman and not just an unusually tacky ornamental paperweight. Kevin McCarthy denies this, proving the GOP has zero tolerance for such hateful rhetoric ASTERISK unless you occupy a high enough office to turn that rhetoric into white nationalist policy.
And Jared Kushner took a little break from causing the deaths of tens of thousands of Americans with his murderously incompetent/negligent (incomligent?) coronavirus response to casually toy with the idea of personally postponing the 2020 election, that America might remain his ill-maintained plaything indefinitely, will of the peasants be damned. Jar-Jar remains a walking caricature, a spoiled little rich kid, psychotically exalting in his power to pull the wings off of flies. The flies will be voting soon enough, little fellah; better start googling movers.
Speaking of the ever-growing legion of coronaghosts who will be haunting Kushner for the rest of his life and beyond, seems Kid Nepotism actually discouraged his Dotard-in-Law from ramping up testing, as recently as March, because he didn’t want to “spook the markets.” Obviously, the plan to do nothing while the virus spread worked wonders for the economy, as the 30 million newly unemployed will happily tell Jared straight to his weasel face, should he deign to walk among the serfs some sunny afternoon.
Republicans are really trying hard to make Obamagate happen, even though Obamagate isn’t gonna happen. (Unmasking is a big fucking deal in the world of lucha libre, but in the context of U.S. government officials with high-level security clearances? Not so much.) To be fair, if I were responsible for nearly 90,000 unnecessary deaths (and counting) and double-digit unemployment, I’d rather talk about totally made-up shit too. But I’d make it FUN made-up shit, like “Joe Biden wants to feed America’s precious livestock to griffins, the bastard. You gonna vote for a griffin-lover?”
Mike Flynn, you might wanna hold off on sending out those invitations for your They Corrupted the Entire American Justice System So I Could Walk Free party, Judge Emmet Sullivan wants to have a few words with you, words like “perjury” and “contempt.” At the very least, order a big enough sandwich tray to feed the authors of all the “friend of the court” briefs that’re coming, as well as the retired judge Sullivan appointed to probe Bilious Billy Barr’s belligerent bullshit.
Let’s check in with the rest of Th’Best People™️ real quick, shall we? I see Sharty McFly’s nominee to lead the U.S. Agency for Global Media is under investigation for skimming from his non-profit (no wonder Littlefinger likes him so much). And then there’s campaign aide Jenna Ellis, and her freshly-unearthed history of odious homophobia. Yuck. I suppose when you’re a white supremacist hate cult/crime ring/shitty ballcap wholesaler, these really ARE the best people you can come up with.
At the behest of the Koch puppets in the Wisconsin legislature, the Koch puppets on the Wisconsin Supreme Court overturned Governor Tony Evers’ stay-at-home order, and please excuse me for a moment, I have to call my stockbroker to tell her to move everything into Madison-area funeral homes and Sheboygan coffin manufacturers. Many Cheeseheads rushed straight to the bars to celebrate their great victory over Common Fucking Sense, toasting their own future diagnoses and deaths.
The way they’ve been behaving lately, you can’t help but assume the entire platform of of the Wisconsin GOP is a single plank, a literal 2×4, rotted and rank, with “There Are Too Damn Many People Alive in This State” painted on it in human blood.
Famed Insider Trader Richard Burr is surely peevish tonight, having learned the hard way that while you can’t get served in a restaurant anymore you can still get served a warrant…by the FBI! Plus they make you tip your whole dang cellphone! And for dessert, you have to step down from your post as Okay, y’know what? This is a bad gag. It doesn’t really work, but I committed to it, and now we’re all stuck with it. Frankly, we should all just be thankful I didn’t say anything like “would you like a side order of JUSTICE with that, Dick?”
Now, Burr is clearly a profiteering crook who has no business wielding the power of Starbucks shift manager, let alone a U.S. Senator, but as proud residents of a onetime superpower currently circling the drain of banana-republicdom, we can’t help but wonder if he’s facing not justice for his crimes, but retaliation for his work as Senate Intel chair. Ain’t no FBI agents seizing Kelly Loeffler’s phone, is all I’m sayin’.
A little while back, a court threw out an Emoluments Clause lawsuit against the Velveeta Vulgarian, a rare blemish on his record as the Michael Jordan of Losing Court. Ah, but defeat has been snatched from the jaws of victory, as the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals revived the case. Truly he is the GOAT…at losing in court.
For anybody looking for a whistleblower with a little more urgency, and, dare I say SASS than earlier, anonymous models, Dr. Rick Bright is your huckleberry. Rick told Congress some of the most horrifying shit I’ve ever heard, basically that instead of a coherent strategy to fight the coronavirus, we have a series of thumbs stuck up a series of random, often unrelated asses. Bright’s testimony reminded us that the mouth-breathing nitwit crooks running our country have no fucking idea what they’re doing, and don’t particularly care; the whole plan is still, after all this carnage, Wait For It To Go Away On Its Own*.
‘Course, some culture warriors don’t wanna wait for the miracle, they demand their freedumb right freakin’ now. Take for example the New York barber who refused to bow to the tyranny of the common good, and kept his shop illicitly open, a sort of Speakeasy Salon, only they served COVID-19 instead of moonshine. Naturally, the dude contracted coronavirus and spread it to God knows how many others. Let’s hope he’s held legally responsible for any harm he’s caused. And also that his dick falls off. It’s only fair.
And of course Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick remains (blood)thirsty to shove you out the door and into coronavirus mosh pits, excuse me, “sports stadiums,” but only after legally waiving your right to hold your corporate overlords accountable for endangering your life, of course. It’s REALLY important to Dan that a bunch of us die. I think that’s weird.
Well well well…seems Mitch McConnell was forced, on Fux Nooz of all outlets, to admit he lied about the Obama administration failing to leave a pandemic playbook for their inept dolt successors. It turns out watching Wrinkly Gamera admit defeat is…addictive. I want more. I want a camera on him as Senate seat after Senate seat flips from red to blue this November, as his treasonous cronies get fired, one by after another. Tillis. McSally. Gardner. Collins. Inject it into my fucking veins.
The Republican-controlled Michigan legislature surrendered to a tiny wad of shitty white boy terrorists, canceling a planned session, out of cowardice and, probably, kinship. Y’know, somebody needs to tell these overarmed toddlers it’s God, not Gretchen Whitmer, who passed out the micropenises.
Smilin’ Joe Biden promised he won’t pardon Tangerine Idi Amin, and will, in fact, periodically visit the skeezy creep in prison, to throw nickels at his little butthole face. As President, Joe will possess the power to skip ahead of the miles-long lines to throw nickels at Donald Trump’s little butthole face in prison. Pro tip: you’re gonna wanna bring your own nickels, cuz they’ll totally run out.
Betsy DeVos is using loopholes to shovel million of coronavirus stimulus dollars towards private religious schools as part of her ongoing quest to make America’s youth just as stupid and mean as Betsy DeVos, only with fewer yachts. You can’t take your eye off these maniacs for one fucking minute.
BREAKING: Florida GOP CongressDolt Ted Yoho is really, really, really, really, REALLY fucking dumb.
…but I suppose a third-grade intellect is a boon in party headed by a cud-brained, pants-shitting doofus who spent his day not battling the coronavirus outbreak, but unveiling what he calls…and it’s embarrassing to even type it, the way it’s cringey to say “I’d like the Moons Over My Hammy” out loud at a Denny’s…the “super duper missile.” (A lesser man would’ve settled for a mere super missile, you see.) Regrettably, North Korea is already testing the Super Duper Missile Times Ten, so I fear we’re falling behind the curve.
Hey, remember that time Dorito Mussolini said Joe Scarborough probably murdered somebody? Toldja.
There’s more, of course. Donnie Dotard lied about some protesters, and got blackmailed by hackers, and probably flung poo at some reporter, but I need to run from this fucking week like it’s a burning sardine cannery, into the sweet, loving embrace of the weekend. Stay safe, see y’all soon.
*I am perhaps being unfair. Shart House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany unveiled a new, comprehensive coronavirus plan today, consisting of a Shiny Binder No One Is Allowed to Open. If viruses had knees, surely corona’s would be knocking right now.