Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Snitty Snitty Bang Bang, and Other News From This Week in Hell
Hey there Shower Captives, I’m a day late this week, for which I apologize. Look, when the news achieves “Alleged Russian spy beluga defects to Norway for nose scratches” levels of madness, sometimes you need to take a step back and drink yourself into a stupor.
Before we get to the jokes n’ stuff…I’ve been thinking a lot about Riley Howell this week. People are, rightly, calling Riley a hero, because he died saving others in the latest school shooting. (I’m talking about the one at UNC Charlotte. Odds are good it won’t be the “latest” by the time your read this, of course.) In this case, the thing that stopped the bad guy with a gun was a good guy with his life. Just 21 years old. I think about what a guy with a soul that big could’ve done with his life, if it hadn’t been stolen by the latest in a series of overarmed fuckheads…we’re all cheated by this violence. The NRA seems hellbent on destroying itself these days…in Riley Howell’s honor, I say we help ‘em along.
The entire Swiss Family Robinshart is suing Deutsche Bank, to keep them from complying with congressional subpoenas for their financial records. Should the lawsuits fail, the backup plan is to dispatch Eric to Frankfurt, to thwart compliance by wrapping his arms around the ankles of the DB employee tasked with gathering the documents in question. Still, financial and legal experts believe this undertaking is well beyond Eric’s mental capacity.
President Gas Station Urinal Cake is testing a bold new 2020 campaign slogan: “Fuck Firefighters.” Yes, with the International Association of Fire Fighters endorsing Joe Biden, Littlefinger suddenly saw electoral gold in seizing the “shitting on first responders” vote once and for all. “Tell Mulvaney we’re adding EMTs to the Muslim ban!,” seems like the next logical step
In his ongoing quest to preserve America for the white and mediocre, Tangerine Idi Amin issued a memo ordering the addition of new obstacles to the asylum-seeking process, including fees (because of course the demented shitweasel who steals from charity wants to extort vulnerable people fleeing violence), and an elaborate series of tests culminating in a chasm that must be crossed, via tightrope, on a unicycle, while juggling flaming badgers…unless you’re white, in which case you’re waved through the gate and given a complimentary bottle of Trump Vodka for your trouble.
Against the advice of nearly every living thing with a brain and most furniture, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk now wants to officially designate the Muslim Brotherhood as a foreign terrorist organization, as a little favor to his authoritarian dictator bud, Egypt’s Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. What a boon the Turdword Regime has been to the world’s dictators. Given a gullible, racist, dope, desperate to look tough and allergic to critical thinking, it turns out to be relatively simple to manipulate the most powerful government in human history into crushing your enemies.
Another Washington Post investigation discovered that Sharty McFly’s tacky New York golf resort not only employs undocumented immigrants, but exploits them, forcing workers to labor off the clock, unpaid. We know the hypocrisy of hiring the very people he targets for dehumanization won’t make the slightest dent in his brainwashed base’s unquestioning adulation, but hell, you can almost imagine him bragging about this shit at rallies, can’t you? “Hell yes, I stole their labor and their wages, and now I’m kicking ’em out of the country, isn’t that SMART?” and they’ll cheer and cheer, because all they ever really wanted was to watch the suffering of a perceived enemy.
I confess, whenever I see someone who sincerely expects an act of blatant hypocrisy to penetrate the bubble of the right wing jagoffosphere and bring Cult 45 to its senses, I can’t help thinking, “Oh my sweet summer child, bless your little heart.” The thought process here ain’t “we hate liberals because XYZ,” the starting point is “we hate liberals,” and you work backwards from there, and if you can’t find any better excuses than “fancy mustard and tan suit,” please understand that will in no way impede the avalanche of rage.
You could lose your goddamn mind, for example, trying to parse out just how Shart Garfunkel’s “Russia, if you’re listening…” line was harmless, innocent, fun, while Hillary Clinton’s recent, mocking, “China, if you’re listening…” bit was appalling and treasonous. Seriously, don’t think about it too hard, you’ll hurt yourself.
Anyway, hey Bulgaria, if you’re reading this blog, please FedEx every donkey turd in your country to the White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, c/o Stephen Miller.
Adam Schiff referred Mercenary Shitweasel Erik Prince to the Justice Department for potential prosecution for the crime of lying to Congress. On the one hand, the case seems strong, because the Mueller report pretty much proves Prince unequivocally lied to Congress. On the other, the one unshakable belief our current Attorney General seems to hold is that there aren’t any laws that actually apply to prominent Republicans, so we may be at a bit of an impasse here.
Cementing his status as the Wayne Gretzky of Losing in Court, Hairplug Himmler’s latest attempt to get Congressional Democrats’ emoluments clause lawsuit thrown out failed so badly he probably thought he was asking Salma Hayek out again. The ruling comes just in time, since we learned that seven different foreign governments have been leasing property in one of his hideous condo towers, something something Jimmy Carter’s peanut farm.
Y’know, maybe we’ve been going about this presidency all wrong. Maybe if Everytown and Moms Demand Action bought up, say, some of the unused retail space in Donnie Dotard’s downtown Chicago eyesore, we could get some gun control legislation signed…
The latest episode of the smash hit web series, Vetting Stephen Moore, found our anti-hero-but-not-in-a-cool-way defending the sort of lame racist joke that’s the reason you don’t take your Uncle Ethan out to eat in public restaurants anymore. I was gonna call him either KKKarrot Top or Dad Joke David Duke, but I couldn’t make up mind, but then I remembered this my fucking blog and I can write whatever the fuck I want, so you get both gags, and if I decide to spend three paragraphs reminiscing about the Starship/Cheap Trick/REO Speedwagon concert I went to in high school, there’s nothing you can do about it.
Anyway, Moore’s nomination, after days of accumulating stench, finally received its long-overdue flushing, and he took to the op-ed pages to whine about how the dastardly liberal media smeared him by (checks notes) directly quoting from his long, long, history of saying extremely stupid shit. Congratulations, genius, a month ago nobody knew or cared who you were, but now millions will recognize you as That One Skeevy, Racist, Sexist, Child-Support-Dodging, Tax Cheat and Also You’re Not Funny.
Things got really interesting mid-week, when we learned Rugged Robert Mueller sent Toady General William Barr a letter that was all, “Bish, I see you misrepresenting my report! I worked hard on that shit, wtf? If I intended to exonerate that justice-obstructing motherfucker, I would’ve sent him a copy covered in scratch n’ sniff stickers, along with a gift card to Chili’s, but I didn’t do that, DID I?” and we all set our DVRs for the next day’s hearing with Barr before the Senate Judiciary Committee, because this is the golden age of television, y’all.
That hearing was…something, wasn’t it? At certain points, the questioning threatened to create rifts in the Democratic Caucus, as so many Senators took turns owning Billy’s enabling ass, you almost worried that fights would break out over who got to take the AG home in a little plastic terrarium (Always bet on Klobuchar, for the record). Kamala Harris’ evisceration was so captivating, it’s been renewed for a second season this fall on NBC.
The big theme was that Barr, despite his job America’s chief law-enforcement official, doesn’t think the rule of law is really a thing when it comes to our treasonous Grifter-in-Chief. “I am the Attorney General of the United States, and by gum, if Donald Trump wants to amble into this room and bludgeon Chris Van Hollen to death with a golf club in front of the entire world, I will personally wipe his (tiny, inadequate) fingerprints off the handle!”
Oh, and he said Mueller’s letter was “snitty.” That’s not really important, and I don’t have anything to say about it, but I used it in the title, so I figured I’d better mention it. That’s a pretty decent link, though.
In the end, Barr was utterly humiliated, his reputation left in tatters as he was revealed as a corrupt stooge for a cheap gangster, obviously unfit to lead the Justice Department. Once upon a time, stuff like that mattered, and he’d have been forced to resign. Nowadays? Well, being unfit to lead the Justice Department is the whole fucking reason he was hired to lead the Justice Department in the first place. He should be impeached, OBVIOUSLY, but the Republican Party decided a while back that shielding their Turd Emperor from any consequences for his many crimes was more important than the silly ol’ “rule of law,” so Billy B was free to waddle away, credibility shredded, but power intact.
The New York Times helpfully assisted Rotten-Mouthed Cousin-Banger Rudy Giuliani with a little light ratfucking, platforming a right-wing hit on the Biden family, and good golly, I can’t wait for eighteen months of Lock Him Up chants, accompanied by fanatical media bothsidesism as pundits desperately spin these flimsy allegations as totally equivalent to the Trump cabal’s decades of criminal activity, because God knows we can’t learn anything from our mistakes, here in HELL.
And the Department of Justice filed a ridiculous-but-horrifying little filing to make their case to Kill All the Filthy Takers, excuse me, “Repeal the Affordable Care Act.” Isn’t it nutty that the President of the United States is low-key trying to murder millions of us, and that’s just a background story that folks aren’t really paying attention to? Like, you get so caught up in watching a crazy guy take a dump in the middle of a playground, you don’t notice him pouring pesticides into the town water supply. Apparently.
We also found out that the Klanrunt Administration, in their giddiness to rip migrant families apart at the southern border, didn’t bother to collect or retain the information necessary to reunite their victims. Look, when you’re busy mobilizing the awesome powers of the American government for a massive campaign of racist, state-sponsored, terrorism, some shit is gonna fall through the cracks, okay? Surely we can forgive the odd civil servant for forgetting to fill out a form here and there while swept up in the heady intoxication of seeing the fear in a child’s eyes when you steal her from her parents’ arms and lock her in a fucking kennel, knowing “Wow, I did that. ME!” Who has time for bureaucracy when you’re inflicting the sort of the trauma that will last a lifetime?
Facebook finally got around to banning some of the shittiest people on the planet, from Alex Jones to Louis Farrakhan to Milo Yadon’tgotnoplatformnomo to Paul Nehlen, in an attempt to remove the licorice jelly beans of hate from the otherwise-pleasant social media candy fistful*. It’s nice to know that while Facebook will allow anyone to spread disinformation and rage, they’ll totally pull the plug once you’ve gotten good enough at it to radicalize millions.
Oh, and President Crotchrot is super-upset about this “censorship.” Won’t defend the United States from a foreign attack, but suddenly he’s Washington crossing the Delaware when you decide to the deplatform the monster who’s been terrorizing Sandy Hook families for years.
A fun new rule from Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s Department of Health and Human Services gives medical professionals the right to refuse treatment based on personal prejudices, provided they claim those prejudices are based in religious beliefs! Fake Christian fanatics now have so much dang “religious liberty” that they’re allowed to ignore that silly ol’ “Hippocratic Oath” and choose between healing and judgment as they see fit!
Going forward, be sure to carry a small notebook with you at all times, documenting any and all moral/ethical/religious beliefs you might hold, so potential E.R. physicians can decide whether or not you deserve saving. “Oh, it looks like he didn’t watch Touched By an Angel, but he claims that’s only because the writing and acting were subpar…what do you think?” and then the nurses and staff debate your holiness while you bleed out.
Shit, with nobody left to support him outside the feral rubes of white evangelical “Christian” movement, the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor now hilariously claims that it’s “God” who got him through the dark days of the Mueller investigation. Yeah, the world’s foremost scholar of Two Corinthians leans on his “faith.” I actually think there’s a great opportunity for a breakthrough here; imagine a rally where Il Douche struggles to regurgitate some Bible quote Mike Pants failed to drill into his memory because he was distracted by the girls in a beer commercial, and finally, exasperated, he throws up his hands and says “Look, I don’t believe in God, you don’t believe in God, we’re all just here because I promised to stick it to that one black guy who got promoted over you six years ago, right? RIGHT?” And there would be a massive sigh of relief, and Franklin Graham could finally wear his robes in public, and everyone would generally just appreciate that the need for all that pretense was finally gone, and everybody’s allowed to sleep in on Sundays.
Speaking of religious buffoonery, here’s a story for ya: Scientology Cruise Ship Quarantined After Measles Outbreak and…nope, can’t improve on that one.
This morning, no doubt upset at recent news coverage, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops ran upstairs, locked himself in his room, and made a tear-soaked phone call; “No one understands us, Vlad! The intelligence community says you’re waging information warfare on the United States but I say that’s just a hoax to keep us apart! But we won’t let them, will we? Will we, Vlad? Anyway, what do you want me to do about Venezuela? It’s so confusing and far away and I just hate that we’re on opposite sides, just…just TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DOOOO!!!!” and the Lincoln Memorial crumbled to dust in shame.
John Kelly may’ve left the day-to-day grind of Washington politics behind him, but apparently he missed the terrified wailing of detained migrant children so much, he just couldn’t stay away. Yes, General K has joined the board of directors of the company operating the largest Kiddie Koncentration Kamp on American soil. Hey, remember when we were so desperate for heroes that we lionized this creep for Briefly Looking Concerned while his shitsack boss praised white supremacist terrorists, only to quietly return to the work of enacting said shitsack boss’ hate-driven agenda for months? Good times.
You could probably use a little good gnus right about now, yeah? Well, I’ve got something fantastic for ya; a three-judge panel finally struck down Ohio’s ridiculous, Look Everybody Cheats a Little We Get That But SERIOUSLY Bro? Republican gerrymander. This is a huge victory for voting rights, and a massive defeat for the GOP, and it’s kind of telling/depressing how often those two things go hand in hand, isn’t it?
Holy fucking shit, 2019 was one helluva year, I can’t believe we got thr-wait, what? (Looks at calendar in disbelief. Howls into the still night air. Drinks.) Fuck. See you next week.
*The red jelly beans are cat videos, blue are your high school classmates’ baby photos, green are targeted ads for products you bought last week, and so on.