Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
In Praise of the Snowflake
Ever been called a “Snowflake?”
‘Course you have. That’s the go-to play in the Cult45 toolkit. “Go back to your SAFE SPACE, SNOWFLAKE,” screeches the little Trumpkin, who then high-fives himself.
I get a kick out of it, personally. Hey, if y’all want to whoop and holler, you have my blessing. To me, it’s a little bit like Bart Gunn talking shit on Butterbean after this, but go ahead, gloat your faces off.
The idea, near as I can figure it, is that we’re…what? Fragile? Ineffective? Wilting and weak, melting away at the slightest exertion?
Have y’all been paying attention these last few months?
You’ve got Fat Q*Bert in the White House and GOP majorities in both Houses of Congress, and yet, they’ve managed nothing but defeat after humiliating defeat. The pages keep flying off the calendar, and, improbably and hilariously, they have not one significant legislative accomplishment to their credit.
Now, why do you suppose that is?
I’ll give you a hint; it starts with S and rhymes with “Toe Cakes.”
I remember, as I’m sure many of you do, being absolutely fucking terrified of Donald Trump wielding the power of the American Presidency. Two days after the election, he’s tweeting about protesters being paid and incited by the media…fucking hell. This is some straight 1984 shit, he’s trying to rewrite reality in real time. And if anybody has the power to get away with that, it’s Goddamn President of the United States, right?
And worse still, watching his approval ratings climb in those early days following the election…”My God, he’s gonna wipe his ass with the Constitution, and the people will cheer every step of the way.”
Scary motherfuckin’ days, weren’t they?
Looking back now, the better part of a year later, I’m not gonna blow smoke up your ass and say things are great (they aren’t) but…well, at least it’s not as bad as it once looked like it could be.
Not for want of trying on Il Douche’s part, God knows. That dime store dictator came out with both (tiny) fists swinging.
Right out of the gate, Racist Travel Ban, holy fucking shit. Smallhands Magoo climbed atop the Resolute Desk and shouted “Let’s see what this so-called Constitution of yours has GOT, bitches! COME AT ME, DEMOCRACY!”
And when the courts said, “Not so fast, you Turd,” he attacked the entire damn judicial branch. Fuck only knows what might’ve happened if we hadn’t stood up and said “BACK AWAY FROM THE CHECKS AND BALANCES, SCUMBAG!”
But we did stand up.
Do you remember that weekend, friends? Looking back, that’s maybe the point in time when we started to turn this thing around. Do you remember the thousands who unhesitatingly rushed to the airports to join the protests? Do you remember the lawyers offering their services, pro bono, to the victims of Stephen Miller‘s wettest dream?
We told every one of those would-be autocrats that night, that we weren’t havin’ this shit. We let ’em know we were not going to sit meekly at home while this sack of shit and his goons tore down everything that makes this nation great.
And if we hadn’t…if we hadn’t stood up that night…where would we be today? The President is an authoritarian bully at heart. He was gonna keep pushing and pushing until somebody stopped him, and if nobody stopped him…fuck. I mean, we’d find out soon enough about the illegal behavior of some customs agents in those chaotic early hours…who knows what could have happened if we hadn’t drawn that line in the sand, and held it.
Well, we’ll never know. Because we DID resist. And Miller can whine and bitch about how the President’s authority “will not be questioned” all he wants. We questioned. We pushed back. And we won. (To be clear, a watered-down version of the travel ban has since been enacted, but this was still a major setback in the regime’s assault on the rule of law.)
In the end, the institutions of our Democracy will only ever prove as strong as the people who prop them up when they’re attacked.
Well, we keep on turning out to prop them up, don’t we?
Not bad for a buncha whiny Snowflakes.
We’ve turned the entire Democratic Party into a full-time, steam-powered, shit-kicking, Trump-resisting machine. Remember what happened when Elizabeth Warren voted to confirm Ben Carson as HUD secretary? She was playing the conventional politics of the day as she understood them, but We the People said “Nah nah nah. RESIST EVERYTHING. And not only Warren, but every Senate Dem went from “we’ll work together where it makes sense” to “You get a fat fuckin’ plate full of nothing, and you’ll like it.”
Because they followed us.
They. Followed US.
And the result? Lil’ Donnie Second-Place wound up spending what little political capital he could claim just getting his cabinet confirmed. Days of brutal headlines just for the sake of his shitty Education Secretary. That Puzder guy backed out altogether. (bet you forgot about that one, didn’tcha? SO MUCH WINNING WE CAN’T KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE WINNING.)
And Donnie’s been trapped in a downward spiral ever since.
OUR BIGGEST WIN TO DATE
Can you reach back through the past nine months worth of unabating chaos to last winter, when Paul Ryan and co. woke up and realized “Holy fuck we can do whatever we fucking WANT,” fantasizing about having a bill repealing Obamacare on President Shartcannon’s desk to sign ten minutes after the inauguration ceremony?
I tell you what, Resistors, I know it’s felt like the Bataan Death March so far, and we’ve got a long, brutal slog still in front of us, but let’s take a moment here to enjoy a good sturdy gut laugh at that little bit of conservative hubris.
Golly, that was brutal fight, wasn’t it? But we refused to allow their preferred narrative to take root. (Remember Tom Price‘s sad little attempt to issue his own “score” to compete with the CBO’s?) We kept the focus, unrelentingly, on the millions who’d lose their access to health care, and the thousands who’d lose their very lives.
…and we beat ’em. The number one Republican priority for years, the thing they’ve been salivating to destroy from the moment of its creation, they had the votes, and they couldn’t get it done.
And how’d that happen?
Snowflakes, brother, SNOWFLAKES. We protested, we called, we marched, we faxed, we gave those Republican congressfucks such an earful at their town halls that most of ’em won’t even hold the damn things anymore, we gave them no peace.
When the dust settled, Ryan and McConnell were unable to deliver any bill, however “skinny” to Shartboy’s eager-if-tiny hands. Half the year was gone. Hundreds of House members suddenly found themselves on the hook for a “yes” vote on a piece of shit bill with 17% approval that didn’t even become fucking law. And the headlines blared “GOP Can’t Govern.”
For Snowflakes, we certainly get shit done.
FOOT SOLDIERS IN THE WAR ON REALITY
If I can get back to those duelling CBO/Price scores for minute…that’s actually a fantastic example of this administration’s increasingly desperate campaign to reorder reality to their own liking when reality is inconvenient. If the CBO score sucks, well, just pull your own number out of you ass!
Insidious as such behavior is, you certainly understand the appeal it holds for this bumbling swarm of serial fuckups. In the real world, the Trump regime is a catastrophic failure, almost comically ineffective, historically disliked and disapproved of, unable to either walk OR chew gum, Sarah Sanders’ repeated protestations to the contrary notwithstanding.
So Drumpf tweets away, imagining he’s circumventing the media, building an alternate universe where every derogatory story is “fake news,” where he’s adored and admired by all, where he’s accomplished so much he’s the envy of the gents on Mount Rushmore.
Horrifying, that the President of the United States would assault the very truth itself in such brazen fashion.
But, encouragingly….it ain’t workin’.
Oh, there’s always going to be a dedicated, if dwindling, army of rubes, happy to be told it’s raining as those Russian hookers piss on their legs. He’ll be able to fool some of the people all of the time, sadly.
Too many. Millions. But not the majority. Indeed, as polling shows, the Shart’s War on Reality is backfiring; in his desperation to destroy the media, he’s only shredded his own credibility.
Now, how’d THAT happen? With all the power of that bully pulpit backing him, why hasn’t Trump been able to mold the narrative to his liking? Why doesn’t America believe him when he tells us he’s the Hottest of All Possible Shit?
It’s those pesky Snowflakes again.
You’re not the only one with a Twitter account, Shart-Shart. You’re not bellowing unopposed into a void, you’ve got millions of Resistors riding your ass all damn day long. We fact check you in real time. We show the world you’re not merely a liar, but a pathetic, ridiculous one.
And so the assault on the truth has gone about as well the assault on Obamacare. Poll after poll shows the American People recognize their President for the dishonest shitsack he is. And for all his attempts to tear down the media that holds him to account, we trust them more than we do him.
In Trump’s War on Reality, we’re the foot soldiers opposing him. With every fact check, every article we share, we create more and more space for the truth, pushing the fake news further to the fringe. Oh, and every time a new story in the Russia scandal breaks, we spread it around the world within minutes. If people didn’t care about these stories, they’d fade away; instead, they keep the regime mired in scandal.
And so, left exposed in the harsh light of the real world he’s so desperate to avoid, Trump’s day of reckoning grows ever closer.
One more touchdown for Team Snowflake.
Y’know, It really does matter that we keep the Drumpf so historically unpopular. A popular president would have repealed the ACA months ago. A popular president commands his party’s loyalty, and can even peel off vulnerable members of the opposition when he needs them. Not Donnie, though. The Manchins and Donnellys were never in play during the health care fight.
Remember when KKKris KKKobach popped up with his little Voter Suppression Brigade, demanding every state hand him terrifying amounts of voter data wrapped up in a pretty pink bow? And how almost every state in the union, even Republican ones, said Shove it Up Your Cheap Fascist Ass, Kris? Maybe that doesn’t happen without weeks of steady, heavy, and most of all successful resistance. Maybe if we hadn’t turned out at those airports to resist the travel ban…who knows?
Shit, poor Dean Heller can’t figure out which way is up anymore.
It’s actually difficult to imagine a less powerful President. No one fears or respects him, no one.
And who made that happen?
Shit, you don’t even need me to say it anymore.
I’m not saying everything’s waffles and blowjobs these days, far from it. The executive branch in this country is stupid fucking powerful, and damage is indeed being done daily. Steve Bannon may be gone, but his merry little band of administrative state deconstructers at the cabinet level – DeVos, Pruitt, Price, Carson, and Tillerson in particular – are tearing our government apart like so much confetti, and it’ll take years to clean up the fucking mess.
If it takes years, so be it. We’ve got what it takes to hang in there, however long our country needs us to. I see people pop up from time to time, worried about “outrage fatigue” and all that, but we haven’t worn out yet. If anything, we’ve got the wind at our backs.
We are IN THE MOTHERFUCKING STREETS, folks. We march, and let me lay this out nice n’ slow for John Kasich, who likes to shoot his fool mouth off about how he can’t figure out what Democrats are FOR:
We march for women.
We march for Black Lives Matter.
We march for science.
We march for DREAMers.
We march for the environment.
We march for LGBT rights.
We march for health care.
We march for labor.
We march for each other. For our mothers and fathers, our sons and daughters, our friends and neighbors, for people we’ve never met, and never will meet.
We march for what’s right. For what’s decent.
We march so fucking much we’re burning through sneakers quicker than George Soros can buy ’em for us. (That’s a joke, all ye angry Trumpkins.)
And when the President of the United States calls for HIS people to turn out in the streets?
Crickets. With the massive megaphone at his disposal, he turns out a handful where we’ve turned out MILLIONS.
If you haven’t noticed, he’s stopped even trying.
And when he travels, he doesn’t book the enormous stadiums anymore. No, the venues keep getting smaller, and he can’t fill even those.
But it’s more than that. We’re the ones financing the ACLU and the SPLC as they fight these bastards in the courts. We’re the ones subscribing to every newspaper we can get our hands on as their journalists break story after story, burying the corrupt fuckwads in crippling scandal.
(That’s why I get an extra little kick out of the “Paid Protesters” trope. Like, Little Man, we are FUNDING this Resistance.)
So call us Snowflakes if you wanna. If it makes you feel better while we grind your Idiot Manchild President’s administration to a virtual halt, go right on ahead. Call us whatever your precious little hearts desire.
We can handle being called names on the internet. We’re battle-tested now. We’ve got scars. Maybe even an eye patch, but it makes us look cool.
We know there’s always another job to do, another fight to win. That’s fine. We know how to win these fights now. Next, we’re going to stop this massive tax giveaway to the wealthy. Then we’re going to drown this idea that the government will ever EVER fund Shartboy’s Big Stupid Wall in Grover Norquist’s bathtub. We’re going to resist every dime these fucks try to cut from the safety net.
We’ll lose a few, but we’ll send the entire collaborating Republican Party sheepishly skulking before the midterm electorate with their failure-filled resumes. The map is tough and the gerrymandering is potent, but we’re gonna send a whole bunch of these fucks scuttling to the private sector.
And in 2020, we’ll take the White House back, most likely from Mike Pence, and undo every single thing Trump and his shitty cabinet did.
Because we’re not just Snowflakes, we’re Patriots, fighting to restore the great country we love so very much.
We’re the American People, and we’ve never been stronger.
History’s gonna need a bigger dustpan.
Oh, one last thing for all you trolls giddily tossing your silly little snowflake insults about:
We get it. You hate us. You watch tv shows and listen to radio hosts and read websites that screech at you all day long to hate us, and then you turn around and give your money and your votes to folks who laugh at you and never do one fucking thing with the power you give them other than make rich people richer.
And as your SCROTUS has attacked the press, the judiciary, the Congress, the intelligence community, the Justice Department, you’ve cheered every bit of it, which…is actually fantastic. It’s stripped away once and for all the veneer that you give a damn about this country and its people, and your entire ideology stands unmasked as simply Fuck the Other Team.
Awesome. So we’re taking Patriotism back from you, forever. We’re claiming the Constitution, too, and next time you try to invoke it, we’ll remind you how eager you were to flush it down the toilet, just to protect the cheap crook you admire for reasons that elude us, and how giddy you’ve been to surrender our precious freedoms to this least worthy of wannabe despots.
See, before last November, we really wanted to believe the best of you, that you were just victims of the ten thousand grifters prowling around in the right wing media/political complex.
We didn’t understand how genuinely nasty y’all are. We took our eye off the ball. We thought there was no way this Dry Cat Turd of a Man could win the White House, because…well, because we believed too much in the fundamental decency of Republican electorate. Surely, with all their loudly-trumpeted Christian values, they couldn’t possibly back this pussy-grabbing, charity-robbing, vendor-stiffing, race-baiting, Nazi apologist! It would betray everything they claim to believe in!
Well. Now we know.
Now that we understand just how low you’re willing to go, just know…we’re never taking our eyes off you again.
You’ve successfully transformed a generation of casual political junkies into lifelong activists. Congratulations.
We’ll stop the next Trump before he can get started. And we’ll never, ever give you fucks the keys again.
You can set your fuckin’ watch to THAT.