I ran out of beer so I had to put on pants for a little while today, but otherwise my devolution into a non-civilized primate is coming along quite nicely, thank you. I figure I’ll keep blogging as long as I still have opposable thumbs, so here’s the news:

No sooner had I clicked the little “publish” button on Tuesday’s post than news broke of Donnie Two-Scoops delaying folks’ stimulus checks in order to have his creepy little name printed on ‘em. Of course, this endangers every single check, as God is likely to burn that shit off like a swastika on a crate in an Indiana Jones flick.

Whipped into a frenzy by fascist propagandists like Laura Ingraham and various InfoWars shitstains, a feral pack of rabid assclowns, the finest wad of mouth-breathing astroturfed dumbfuckery the DeVos family fortune could buy, descended on Lansing to protest Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s dastardly attempt to save their lives, raising intriguing ethical questions such as “Is it even desirable to protect those who are so selfish and stupid as to willingly expose themselves to highly contagious diseases,” and “When these morons get sick in a week or so, do we absolutely have to let them into our hospitals?”

Similar protests have now popped up in Ohio, Wisconsin, and probably elsewhere, I don’t actually give a fuck. Because three weeks of doing jigsaw puzzles and binging Better Call Saul to save hundreds of thousands of lives is TYRANNY, apparently. Tea Party/MAGA politics has never been anything but the shittiest white people imaginable operating on the belief that they have a constitutional right to never be inconvenienced by anything. 

In an administration filled with gaslighting liars, Kellyanne Conway stands out for the sheer laziness of her half-assed bullshittery. Like, remember the Bowling Green Massacre? Shit, Kellyanne, your boss tells six lies bigger than that to the leprechaun on his cereal box at breakfast. This “Why didn’t WHO deal with the first 18 COVIDs” crap makes the whole team look like they’re not committed to providing truly elite Orwellian misinformation. Put some pride into your work, woman! Anyway, who could forget COVID-2: Electric Boogaloo? COVID-4: Coronavirus in Space? I particularly enjoyed COVID-7 and the Deathly Hallows.

While all us serfs have been sheltering in place, lamenting the parties and concerts and trips we’ve cancelled in order to, y’know, save our fellow Americans’ lives, Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar snuck away for a little Passover vacation at Bedminster, because rules are for peasants. Reached for comment, Her Princessness beamed, “Daddy says we’re allowed in the Smithsonian and we can play with whatever we want but we can only take one thing home!”

We learned that former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder knew about the Flint water crisis well over a year before he claimed to have in sworn testimony to Congress, wow, and he seemed like such an honest fellow. With all this talk of insufficient supplies of PPE and ventilators, I really hope someone is keeping an eye on the NGS, or “National Gallows Stockpile,” because demand is about to skyrocket.

So, Tangerine Idi Amin went on the magical talking television box to rattle off a bunch of random industry leaders’ names, proclaiming them the Council to Pull My Ass Out of the Fire I Started, without even asking many of them first, because who cares about manners when you’re already getting tens of thousands of folks killed, right? Anyway, expect him to keep on convening new task forces until he finally finds one willing to tell him he’s doing great, the virus will go away on its own, go ahead and fire up that economy, Bucko! Heaven help us all.

Drs. Oz and Phil are absolutely flaunting their status as shameless quacks with dangerously large followings, relishing their ability to broadcast stupid, life-endangering shit from powerful platforms while all those dumb chump REAL doctors risk their lives in emergency rooms without sufficient PPE, the suckers. Oz says it’s time to open schools back up, since the ensuing avalanche of corpses probably won’t obstruct his driveway; he lives in a nice neighborhood, you see. Meanwhile Phil is belching up that tired old garbage comparing the outbreak to smoking and automotive deaths, which reminds me of that time I caught a car crash from a asymptomatic car crash carrier OH WAIT THAT NEVER HAPPENED DID IT, PHIL? Anyhoo, if you’re listening to these loons instead of actual experts, the science is inconclusive at this point, but it’s very possible that you deserve to catch COVID-19 and die.

Seems the Turdmaggot Administration awarded a $55 million contract to manufacture N95 masks to a bankrupt company with no mask-making experience, which is actually only their second-biggest obstacle, as they also have…no employees. Normally I’d complain about the appalling lack of oversight here, but I’m too busy working up my pitch for magic Corona-B-Gone pills, which will just be Flintstones vitamins in Ziplock baggies; I plan on offering them to Wilbur Ross for twenty million, but I’ll let him negotiate me down to twelve.

Hairplug Himmler appointed a completely unqualified, conspiracy-theory-spewing, sycophantic, hack to an important government post, and right now I’m wondering how much time I’d have saved over these past three years if I’d set up a hotkey to paste “Hairplug Himmler appointed a completely unqualified, conspiracy-theory-spewing, sycophantic hack to an important government post” into these blogs whenever I needed to, which is basically weekly. In this case, I’m taking about Michael Caputo, an old Mueller investigation witness and genuinely skeevy little freak, whose new gig seems to mostly involve keeping HHS Secretary Alex Azar from telling the American people too much truth about all the various ways their government is getting them killed. Really looking forward to paying this jagoff’s salary.

The Manchurian Manchild’s latest tantrum is a threat to shut down Congress so he can continue filling the government with spittle-drenched blockheads. Personally, I think he really just wants to sneak into the Senate chamber and rub his butt all over Chuck Schumer’s desk when nobody’s looking. Or maybe just leave a tack on Mitt Romney’s chair, in case Willard isn’t sufficiently chastised by the snub of being the only Republican Senator excluded from the latest Task Force to Accomplish Precisely Fuckall.

Surely no one better personifies the populism of the MAGA movement than Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag, who says all the filthy takers should be thankful for their $1,200 stimulus checks, which should sustain them for 10 weeks, so long as they don’t splurge on unnecessary luxuries like “shelter,” “clothing” or “ketchup to flavor their nightly bowl of dirt.” Meanwhile $1,200 wouldn’t even cover his odious wife’s weekly Goop vagina candle budget.

So, it seems that in early March, as the coronavirus was spreading unimpeded throughout the United States, the Adderall-Addled Assclown figured he had so much free time he’d start his very own radio show! This is on top of the golf, and the rallies, and the live-tweeting cable news for hours. A radio show. Two hours. Every day. Cuz he’s got nuthin’ better t’do. Not ramping up production of PPE. Not hiring back the pandemic experts he purged. Golfing and fantasizing about a radio show.

He abandoned the plan because “he did not want to compete with Rush Limbaugh.” Y’know, it’d be cool to have a President who cares as much about OUR FUCKING LIVES as he does Limbaugh’s ratings. We gotta remember to ask Joe Biden where he comes down on this crucial issue.

There’s a lot going on these days, but you were probably worried about the low mercury content of the air in the shitstorm pummeling you from all angles, right? Well worry no more, because the Die Plebs Die Administration just scored another massive win for liberty, in this particular case the liberty of coal plants to poison you! America’s gonna be great again any minute now, I can feel it!

Continuing Operation: Get Away With Whatever We Fucking Can While the News Focuses on the Pandemic, the Shart Administration gave a no-bid, well-above-market contract to some big Republican donors, because obviously the best conceivable use for half a billion dollars right now is 17 more miles of the Big Dumb Wall That Gets Sawed Through Eighteen Times Per Month So I Guess It Doesn’t Even Fucking Work.

And the Dopey Dotard With Diminutive Digits somehow manages to keep on finding new ways to fuck shit up. It’s amazing. Like, it never occurs to him to actually DO anything to fix any of the problems we’re facing. “Oh, we can’t reopen the country until there’s widespread testing? Golly, I guess that means I should get to work procuring the millions and millions of tests we’ll need!” Nope, he skips straight to buck-passing and blame-throwing. “WHY AREN’T THE STUPID LAZY GOVERNORS DOING MY JOB FOR ME?!?” he shrieks, perched atop an almost impossibly full diaper.

So now he’s bellowing, LIBERATE MICHIGAN! LIBERATE MINNESOTA! LIBERATE NARNIA probably, encouraging further anti-distancing protests, because his grasp of electoral politics is so keen he wants his most fervent supporters to engage in the very behaviors that are most likely to kill them. Maybe he can resume his rallies inside active volcanos, or perhaps even the void of space.

Hey, you remember that list of states with Republican governors who refused to issue stay-at-home orders, because they figured the virus would respect their superior commitment to freedumb? Well it happens, coincidentally I’m sure, to match a list of states that’re suddenly seeing massive spikes in their number of coronavirus cases! Golly, I wonder how that happened. It’s destined to be one of humanity’s great unsolved mysteries, I’m sure.

Ron DeSantis, unhappy with his state’s already-horrifying COVID-19 numbers, allowed Florida’s beaches to reopen, because he is a stupid, stupid, stupid man. Florida, I don’t know what to tell ya. He looked this dumb on the campaign trail, so you don’t get to act all surprised.

Now we learn that the small business loans from the coronavirus stimulus bill have been going to big corporations and red states, because you can’t take your eyes off Republicans for one fucking minute, can you? I once asked Marco Rubio to catsit while I was out of town; when I got back, he’d given my record collection to the Koch brothers, who I’m told don’t even like Meat Loaf. They just can’t help themselves.

…but hopefully we’ll get at least more weekend before they kill us all. I wouldn’t want the beer to go to waste. If we’re still here, I’ll see y’all next week. Stay safe!