Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
SOS! Trapped in Category 5 Shitstorm! Please Send Nukes!
My most irrational fear lately is that there somehow won’t be enough news to justify updating this blog every few days. All of my other fears, like, say, “I sure hope the President of the United States doesn’t call for civil war on Twitter if he loses in 2020,” probably would have seemed irrational to me not so very long ago, but times, they change…
William Barr had so much fun redacting the Mueller report, he’s decided to remove any and all ethical standards at the Department of Justice, booking a $30,000 holiday party at his Turd Emperor’s tacky D.C. hotel. And while this may look to the cynical observer like a textbook example of a kickback, there’s almost certainly a reasonable alternative explanation, though no one is pretending to care enough to make one, because fuck you, that’s why.
The Republican Party of Alabama wants to kick Ilhan Omar out of the House of Representatives, over charges of alleged anti-Semitism, and I certainly look forward to their ethical consistency when they flip their state blue in 2020 over Donald Trump’s legitimately-right-out-of-the-Nazis’-mouths comments about Jewish “disloyalty.” Serial child molester Roy Moore made sure to weigh in affirmatively on the nutty idea that the Heart of Dixie deserves veto power over the voters of the Minnesota 5th, and I dunno about you, but I’m just about done with moralizing lectures from Alabama.
Back when it looked like Hurricane Dorian was headed for Puerto Rico, Shart Garfunkel seized the opportunity to shit a little a more on that island full of American citizens he’s already abandoned once to suffer and die out of racism-borne neglect, because he only wants to be president of some of us, and certainly not the brown folks with no Electoral College clout. And God heard him and re-directed the storm at Marm-a-Lago.
So, due to a recent resignation, the Federal Election Commission is basically shutting down, because they won’t have a quorum. I wouldn’t worry about this, since there aren’t any major elections coming up, and there certainly aren’t any significant incumbents with a well-documented history of colluding with hostile foreign powers to influence electoral outcomes.
As if on cue, new reports from behind the scenes at the G7 summit showed Little Donnie Two-Scoops acting PutinPuppetier than ever, with Uncle Vlad’s hand so far up the U.S. President’s ass I bet his elbow smells like room temperature Burger King fries. This on top of the reports that he tried like hell to cut off military aid to Ukraine. Dude, just move the Russian embassy to Melania’s side of the bed and be done with it.
Hey we’re finally getting to meet the new Gaslighter General, excuse me, I mean “Press Secretary,” which is nice, because so far our relationship with Stephanie Grisham has primarily been based on her drunk driving mugshots. She’s being courteous enough to completely shred any semblance of credibility right up front, which I must say I appreciate.
Seems President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster has finally started to notice that his term so far has amounted to little more than a festering landfill, overflowing with failure, and so he’s frantically scrambling for some sort of actual accomplishment to hold over his head with his tiny, inadequate, little hands, so as to bellow “look, I don’t totally suck I only mostly suck.”
And because he is very, very, very, very, very, very, stupid, he’s chosen the Big Dumb Wall Nobody Wants. He wants it like the Hamburgler wants heart disease. He wants it so bad he’s ordering aides to seize private lands, steal funding from whatever Pentagon programs forget to lock their doors at night, and for extra autocrat points, break any laws that stand in their way, secure in the knowledge that he’ll pardon away the consequences. Anyway, I’m sure the career criminal who views the presidency as a never-ending stack of Get Out of Jail Free cards isn’t getting up to any other mischief behind the scenes.
The hot new dance craze started by Government Cheese Goebbels has spread all the way across the Atlantic! Yes, everyone’s doing the Fuck Democracy Shuffle, even new Prime Minister (For Now) Boris Johnson, who figured his plot to kidney-punch the British economy via no-deal Brexit would go a lot more smoothly without all those pesky legislators telling him to do something less colossally suicidal, so he asked the Queen to let him suspend Parliament for a spell. This whole “giving authoritarian morons immense political power” thing doesn’t seem to be working out, y’know?
Mad Dog Mattis became the latest former Treasonweasel Administration official to peek his head over the edges of cone of shame, taking the first halting steps of the traditional image rehabilitation tour. But no brash, uncouth, Scaramucci is General Jim, no no; he prefers coquettishly batting his eyes, teasing “oh, I certainly have a tale or two to tell, but I have MUCH too much military discipline and respect for the office of the presidency to tell them just yet, but don’t you find my shapely ankle tantalizing?”
The latest bug up Baron Golfin von Fatfuk’s ass is the seven minutes a day Fux Nooz doesn’t devote to brainwashing (or MyPillow ads), whining about how they’re slacking on the job, like a disgruntled contractor that’s just realized he’s never getting paid. And various Fux propagandists got all huffy and went, “we don’t work for YOU, Mister, we work for institutional white supremacy IN GENERAL so there!” so anyway, to be fair n’ balanced, fuck BOTH SIDES of this jagoff kerfuffle.
The latest Seriously What the Living FUCK move from the What Can We Say We Just Fucking Hate You All Administration reverses the policy of automatically granting U.S. citizenship to the children of federal employees, including servicemembers, born overseas.
How does an idea like this even come up? Is Stephen Miller so demented that he’s pacing around his apartment in the middle of the night, fucked up on some experimental drug made from the distilled tears of frightened migrant children, muttering to himself “I’ll tell you what’s wrong with this country! We’re too motherfucking easy on the people who risk their lives to defend it!”
But even as they experiment with bold new techniques for Fucking People Over for No Reason Whatsover, your government works ceaselessly to develop new innovations in core competencies like Hurting Children. Get the Fuck Out notices have been sent to immigrants who have been receiving life-saving medical treatment in the United States, because Donald Trump is in some sort of evil-off competition with Hitler’s ghost, I guess.
Kicking someone out of the hospital while they’re undergoing life-saving treatment is called murder, by the way. Just murder. Once they got away with opening the concentration camps, they were always going to try murdering people. And so that’s what’s happening now. In America.
Anyway, it comes as absolutely no surprise that these rat bastards are blocking congressional staff from visiting border detention facilities. When you really think about it, it kinda defeats the whole purpose of a concentration camp, if you allow oversight. You really wanna make the decent people work for it, y’know? Like a, “we’ll let you in when you’re at the head of a liberating army” sort of thing.
Judge Jeanine Pirro became the latest conservative pundit to let her hair down and go full white nationalist, spouting the same vile “white replacement” bile as the Tiki Torch Loser Brigade in Charlottesville and the mass-murdering terrorist in El Paso. Jeanine, I gotta ask: what, precisely, do you imagine you bring to this world that’s worth replacing? I get crazy people shouting at me every time I go on the subway, and they’re usually much less hateful.
Always legacy-minded, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot rolled back methane emissions regulations this week, because his disdain for his fellow man isn’t limited to just those of us actively suffering through his reign; he wants to send an enduring “go fuck yourself, plebs” to resonate through generations yet to come. He’s probably gonna bury time capsules filled with used diapers and mustard gas all over the White House lawn.
And it turns out Donnie Dotard did indeed lie about his alleged phone calls from the Chinese, in order to trick the market into not plummeting any further following the latest escalation in his bonehead trade war. On the bright side, the markets falling for the obvious lie of a known liar is pretty much the only argument in favor of regulating capitalism that we’ll ever need.
Self-Proclaimed Campaign Trail Superstar Shartboy, Jr., went to Kentucky to campaign for Healthcare-Thieving Ghoul Matt Bevin, and the turnout was pretty good…for a didgeridoo concert in a hot air balloon. Just a little schadenfreude bonbon for ya, you deserve it.
Tulsi Gabbard went on Tucker Carlson’s show to call him out, face to face, on his own turf, for his despicable record of white supremacy. JUST KIDDING she dropped by to whine about the DNC’s debate rules, with their totally unfair “you must have a snowball’s chance in hell of actually winning, c’mon, it’s almost Labor Day” cutoff. Just a head’s up, lending your celebrity and credibility to Liar Tuck’s White Power Hour isn’t gonna win you any more Democratic votes, Tulsi. You are now cordially invited to fuck off forever.
And a Department of Justice inspector general report found that Jolly Jim Comey did not, as he had been accused by a certain Marmalade Shartcannon, break the law in leaking his famous memos. Turns out all he broke was the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. But hey, you don’t have to go jail, Jimbo. Except for, you know, the jail of your making we’re all forced to inhabit now thanks to your shit judgment.
Sharty McFly’s personal assistant, Madeleine Westerhout, got fired, apparenlty for drunkenly telling some reporters some mean stories about how her boss doesn’t really like one of his own children, yet another reminder that there are no good guys in this asshat administration, just dirtbags that periodically turn on one another.
And President Crotchrot figured today was as good a day as any to casually reveal the capacities of our espionage apparatus to the whole world on social media, no doubt believing that blurting out such a highly-guarded secret was surely worth it to troll Iran a little bit. Something something something Hillary’s e-mail server.
(Is it weird to anyone else that in the midst of all this madness and atrocity, the shitbag responsible for it all isn’t focused on the imminent weather disaster, or the economy he’s about to break, but on allegations of bedbugs at one of his crappy resorts?)
There is, I’m sure, a ton of stuff I missed, but I have taken all I can take for one week. If you need me, I’ll be the guy curled up in the fetal position on his sofa, watching old Duck Tales cartoons, dreaming of the time when I could still believe the comforting lies told in my public school American history textbooks.