Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Still No COVID-19, But I Do Have One Nasty Case of the Mondays
Hey there! Congratulations on surviving! Living through another week in an America under siege from both the coronavirus and Donald Trump’s boneheaded, homicidal, mismanagement is like fire-walking across the mouth of an erupting volcano while ogres throw hammers and badgers at you. So, nice job! Let’s do the news, badger-dodgers!
Most of us are pretty unhappy with this whole COVID-19 thing, but to the can-we-please-start-wearing-the-armbands-in-public-now wannabe autocrats of the Wisconsin state GOP, it’s their wettest dream come true. Why, voter suppression is easy when you’ve got a global pandemic lending a helping hand! Robin Vos and his gang of anti-democratic thugs have gone to court to demand Tuesday’s election take place in the midst of the outbreak, with no extended voting by mail. Oh, and because they want to have their cake and eat it too and also have your cake and your neighbor’s cake and honestly all the cake plus most of the pie and even your grandma’s cornbread muffins that she made specially for you during the quarantine, they’ve worked out a nifty little trick where they insist on in-person voting, but use public safety as an excuse to reduce the number of polling places in Dem stronghold Milwaukee from 180…to FIVE. There’s a state Supreme Court seat at stake, y’see, and opportunities to mass-disenfranchise all those, ahem, “urban” voters don’t come along just every day.
…if you haven’t yet picked up on the fact that Republicans care more about their power than your life, I suggest you re-take Common Fucking Sense 101, or at the very least pull your head out of your ass.
Once again, we’ve been so caught up in the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s deadly incompetence that he managed to sneak up on us with his power-crazed authoritarianism, firing intelligence community inspector general Michael K. Atkinson late Friday night, hoping nobody would notice. Seems Shitface McFulldiaper “lost confidence” in the dude who passed the whistleblower report on his Ukrainian extortion conspiracy to Congress, imagine that. Hindsight is 20/20 and all, but whoever drafted the law granting the crook the right to fire the cops investigating him really shoulda gone over that shit one more time.
And the stoogification of the federal government proceeded on other fronts as well, with Fat Q*Bert choosing one of his very own Shart House lawyers to oversee the $500 billion corporate bailout from the stimulus bill, I guess because Michael Cohen couldn’t work it into his busy schedule as assistant shift manager in the prison laundromat. I’d say Donnie Dotard is multi-tasking in assaulting the pillars of American democracy while dealing with a massive public health crisis, only he really isn’t doing that second one, is he?
Word is, the propaganda-belching ghouls at Fux Nooz are worried they’re about to get sued into oblivion, on account of how this time, their malicious misinformation has an extremely perceptible body count. I’m not gonna get my hopes up, but I will permit myself a stray fantasy here and there, of the vampiric Murdoch clan, forced into labor to pay off their debts, ideally by serving as janitorial staff in hospitals overwhelmed with COVID-19 patients. Sans PPE, of course.
And the Manchurian Manchild keeps on recklessly pimping hydroxychloroquine as a miracle drug, because after a lifetime of throwing Daddy’s money at every problem he’s ever faced, the doddering old poosquirt is simply incapable of processing the fact that a pandemic isn’t going to magically disappear just because he misses golfing. “What have you got to lose?” he bellows, because he hasn’t bothered to learn that potential side effects include death, and wouldn’t care if he knew. I guess at this point, he’s either gonna get away with killing tens of thousands of us or not, so what’s another pile of corpses more or less, right?
Shit, even Rudy Giuliani has emerged from whatever pit rotten-mouthed cousin-fuckers quarantine in to hock this crap. Meanwhile, our beloved Dr. Fauci has to fend off a perpetually-beclowned turdwaffle like Peter “Remember the trade war, aka the multi-billion-dollar crotch-punt to the economy? That was me!” Navarro in the fight over, once again, encouraging people to ingest a totally untested drug, maybe they’ll die but maybe they’ll get superpowers, did you ever think of that, Anthony? I mean, on the one hand, you have the expert opinion of the nation’s leading authority on infectious diseases, backed up by basically the entire medical profession, but on the other, you’ve got a well-known twit who’s done nothing but fail in his chosen field, irresponsibly speculating on life-or-death issues he knows not one fucking thing about, insisting he’s right because he really, really, really, really, wants to be. Ah, but which one is telling Hairplug Himmler what he wants to hear?
So, as bad as shit has been, we’re told it’s this week when shit is gonna get really bad. In the calm before the storm, a number of articles were published over the weekend documenting the Fucking Hell How Did it Come to This Administration’s cavalcade of fatal fuckups, a tragic litany of mistakes currently being translated into a heartbreaking butcher’s bill. Naturally, they’re pouring much more energy into covering up their blunders than correcting them, but don’t let these rat bastards rewrite history; remember what they did. And what they didn’t do.
Anyone wondering how the old saying, “no good deed goes unpunished” came into being should bring a care package to Captain Brett Crozier, since he’s sitting in quarantine with COVID-19 after getting fired for trying to save his sailors’ lives, for which the Trump lackey Acting Navy Secretary lambasted him as “stupid.” Crozier should take lessons on leadership from the pros, y’know? You don’t fight a pandemic, you sweep it under the rug! You don’t take steps to save the lives in your charge, you deny there’s any problem at all, and congratulate yourself on your splendiferousness! They don’t give Nobel prizes out for saving lives, y’know!
While the lamestream media bashes him for his criminal, murderous, blundering, the truth is, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot has actually set things up perfectly to optimize success…assuming you’re a profiteer sitting on a fat pile of N95 masks or ventilators. Everybody else is pretty well fucked, though. It’s not enough that he’s abdicated all responsibility to coordinate efforts at the federal level, essentially tossing all 50 states into the gladiatorial arena to fight it out, no, sometimes the feds even swoop in to outbid an individual state after a deal has been struck, no doubt earmarking the entire shipment for the massive bailout Shart-Shart’s boy, Ron DeSantis, is gonna need after turning Florida into a corona playground.
I see Boris “Lookit me, I’m rubbing coronavirus all over my dipshit body” Johnson has been hospitalized due to coronavirus symptoms. I’ll try to find some sympathy for you, Boris, but I’m afraid you’ll have to get in line behind all the people you got killed with your idiotic “herd immunity” plan. Johnson went into the ICU as I was writing this, yet remains firmly at the back of my sympathy line.
So I guess we’re passing COVID-19 on to tigers in zoos now? Holy shitballs, humanity can’t do one fucking thing right. Like, the fallback plan here was to die out and leave the world to the cats, right? Leave the Constitution, along with some recently developed suggested edits, in a case with a bunch of catnip mousies, so they can give democracy another try, once they’ve evolved enough to read n’ have debates about governance n’ shit?
Hey look, it seems Georgia has not one, but TWO grifting scumfuck Senators, as David Perdue joined Kelly Loeffler in using his privileged access to the U.S. government’s coronavirus intelligence to line his own pockets while doing not one single fucking thing to prepare his constituents for what was coming. Both of these conniving dirtbags are up for re-election this November, so Georgia, you might want to, I dunno, vote for someone who actually gives a fuck whether you live or die. Just a thought.
And President Overused Rectal Thermometer keeps on staging his Daily Propaganda Spew, gambling that there’s electoral benefit in tens of millions worth of earned media featuring a demented idiot lying and passing the buck and whining and whining and whining and whining. Also, whining. Dunno what to tell you folks, if you look at this sad, broken, overmatched, old fool and see a president, well, I imagine your life is liberally littered with other fruits of your judgment.
Little light tonight, but I’m booked up all day tomorrow with thrilling quarantine activities (the wallpaper in the living room has started to peel, and I don’t want to miss anything good), so I wanted to catch y’all up real quick. Stay safe. Stay inside. Wash your damn hands.
PS – Oh, now the Roberts Court upheld the Wisco voter suppression plot? Cool. If anybody needs me, I’ll be projectile vomiting. In a socially distant way, of course. Goddammit.