Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The GOP has Gone Full Klansman, and Steve King is HERE FOR IT.
I tell you folks, the bungling incompetence and pathetic dishonesty I can handle, but the hatred? Some days, the hatred wears me out. I’m getting mighty tired of living in Eli Roth’s unproduced Pleasantville sequel, is all I’m sayin’.
Looks like John Bolton is finally flexing his mustache, er, “muscles,” doing those crazy John Bolton things you we always knew John Bolton would do. Pulling the United States out of a nuclear disarmament treaty? Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, Trump + Bolton is like giving a bunch of howler monkeys speed and turning them loose in a chemistry lab. Anyhow, I dare you to watch Dr. Strangelove tonight. Or if you’re feeling really brave, Fail-Safe.
Precocious Paul Manafort, in his legally-mandated prison jumpsuit, pulled the old “wheelchair-in-a-bid-for-sentencing-leniency” bit, and I’m sorry to say, Mr. M, I spent all my sympathy on the children locked up in cages. You sir, can eat shit. Anybody else see Paulie in his wheelchair and think of For Your Eyes Only?
We keep hearing about Bodacious Bob Mueller circling Roger Stone, talkin’ to all his friends, rummaging through his underwear drawer looking for cigarettes and porn. Rog insists he’s done nothing wrong, and that he’d certainly never roll over on his dear and loyal friend, Mr. Trump! Me, I see that, and I grin, because I remember Manafort saying the same things once upon a time. And Gates.
Oh, didja see where some Russian woman got charged with fuckin’ around with the midterms? HO HUM. Wouldn’t it be cool if we had a government that, I dunno, tried to protect the nation from foreign attacks? I think that’d be cool.
The cover-up of Jamal Khashoggi’s horrific murder (and DISMEMBERMENT) is going…shockingly badly, when you realize the collaborators include one of the wealthiest families in the world and the President of the United States.
“Oh, it was crazy. Everybody was Kung-fu fighting. Honestly the guy chugged a bottle of tequila and started cutting himself up with the bonesaw. Anyway, we dressed somebody up in his clothes and had him walk out for the cameras, as one typically does in such situations.” I’m not sure what’s most cringeworthy, that the Saudis would attempt such obvious bullshit, or that the President of the United States and his henchmen would work so hard to sell it.
Meanwhile, the President’s shift manager, Vladimir Putin, gave a little speech celebrating the decline of American hegemony, which he pulled off for the low low price of Ordering Pizzas and Mountain Dew for a Handful of Tech Nerds Sitting in Cubicles Trolling Idiots on Facebook. “The Cold War coulda ended years ago, if we’d only thought sooner to weaponize our foe’s most ubiquitous natural resource: morons,” said Vlad, before laughing nonstop for 11 hours.
As you certainly know by now, the GOP is a-tremblin’ at the Blue Wave that’s growing ever nearer and larger. They can’t stave it off by talking about their record, because they’ve spent a year and a half doing a bunch of things that everybody fucking hates.
(I’m not sure WHY. We told them we hated these things. We were…actually pretty damn vocal about it. But here we are.)
Backed into a corner and lacking other options, the entire institutional Republican Party seems to have shrugged, and said, “Well, dance with who brung ya, even if it was NAKED WHITE NATIONALISM that brung ya.” She’s a cheap date; all she wants is a little blood.
So, ummmm…to be honest, the rest of the news is basically just HATE. It’s not my favorite thing, to do a This Week in Hate round-up, but, well…these are the times in which we live. Lucky us.
Nancy Pelosi went down to Florida for an event, and she encountered some “protesters,” though they were not of the “let’s knit hats and make signs” variety, but more of the “far-right violent gang” ilk. Yes, it turns out the local Republican chapter decided to team up with the Proud Boys, who you may remember from their recent act of street violence in New York.
So what we have here, and let’s not mince words, is GOP officials literally partnering with terrorists. Immediately after their most publicized act of terrorism to date. Cool.
And allllllll the Republicans who’ve used every available moment of camera time to offer stern lectures on civility are stone silent on the Proud Boys, aren’t they? And when Tangerine Idi Amin praises a violent criminal for assaulting one journalist even as he orchestrates a cover-up of the murder of another, why, he isn’t inciting violence, he’s just playfully joking around, isn’t that right, Steve Scalise? Spare me.
Boy, Steve King keeps testing the boundaries of decency, doesn’t he? Seems Steve-O took a little Austrian vacation and sat down with a far-right website for a little chat about white supremacy, NEAT. This demented old fucker’s gonna start slipping earmarks into spending bills, making sure his Iowa district is first in line for the new concentration camp construction. Some folks wonder why Republicans don’t censure or expel King. I’ll you why, they’re planning on making him the next Speaker of the House. Dance with who brung ya.
As if to demonstrate that they haven’t lost their flair for vileness, the Shart Administration is toying with altering some bureaucratic language here and there to formally dehumanize transgender Americans, and strip them of civil rights protections.
It’s this administration in a nutshell; telling th’Base, hey, we can’t keep our promises to bring back manufacturing jobs or improve your health care or repair your infrastructure…what we CAN do is hurt people. People who are different than you.
Nobody benefits from this shit. Nobody becomes richer, or safer, or healthier, or happier. It simply serves to send a little malicious thrill down the spines of the sort of people who enjoy inflicting suffering on others.
And of course, Government Cheese Goebbels himself has desperately lashed his immediate political future to the migrant caravan moving through Mexico. To hear him tell it, this congregation of desperate people seeking a better life is full of MS-13 and ISIS and ebola and those irritating guys who play guitar in sandwich shops, and it’s coming to YOUR TOWN.
On the one hand, it’s a pathetic gambit…on the other, one must admit this Walking Colon Tumor fear-mongered himself all the way to the White House.
Yeah, Donnie Two-Scoops is gettin’ nervous. He knows what a Democratic-controlled House means. And lacking any actual accomplishments, well, he’s just makin’ shit up. The Big Dumb Wall is almost built, and they’re rioting in California, and the arms deal with Saudi Arabia generates so fuckin’ many jobs, we’re gonna need every American to work part-time in a munitions factory to meet the demand! Oh, and Republicans are just about to deliver a big fat tax cut even though, y’know…that is not a thing that is happening, and Congress isn’t even in session.
Meanwhile, WaPo reports Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet’s rallies are more of a retreat than anything else. If it feels like Lil’ Man Shart is avoiding major metropolitan areas where he’s unpopular because he’s frightened of protesters, well…that’s because he is. And even though he acts like he’s selling out football stadiums, he’s really working in smaller venues than he used to. Look, if getting 6,000 people in Buttfuck, Ohio is the qualifier, then the Little River Band could be President.
So he’s touring Appalachia diners, stirring up…
…y’know what? Fuck hate. Fuck these hateful people and their bullshit, vapid, bigotry. I’m not leaving y’all like this, you deserve better. Let’s wrap up with some GOOD news, okay?
Because we’ve got people CAMPING OUT TO VOTE in this country right now. CAMPING OUT. Not for a new iPhone, not for concert tickets, but to exercise their right to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!
And do you see our candidates kicking ass and taking names in their debates? Andrew Gillum ran circles around Ron DeSantis, which actually might explain Ron’s frequently dazed expression. One of my very favorite Congressional candidates, Abigail Spanberger, was not having Dave Brat’s crap, and let him know in no uncertain terms. (Hey, you wanna donate to these good good people? Click right on their names, you’ll be magically transported to a fundraising page! Check out all the candidates at Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms!)
And have you been following the live polling over at the Failing New York Times? There are some really interesting seats in play. If you’re looking for a last minute donation target, why not help out our great team in Virginia? With the GOP’s borderline-fascist Senate candidate dragging down the ticket, we might be able to elect not just Spanberger, but Elaine Luria, and Leslie Cockburn!
And do you remember Danny O’Connor from the the special election in the Ohio 12th? Well, without the undivided attention of the entire Republican donor class, his opponent, Troy Balderson, looks more vulnerable than ever! Help Danny out if you can!
Plus, check out this great article from Mother Jones on how Clarke Tucker has put a seat in deep-Red Arkansas in play! And hey, how about Laura Kelly, opposing KKKris KKKobach for the Kansas governorship, earning the endorsement of every living non-Brownback Kansas governor, Republican or Democrat?
And at least we can take a moment to appreciate the complete and utter debasement of Ted Cruz. Think about the minute-to-minute humiliation of walking around as Ted Cruz, especially today…**shudder**
Good lord. And it’s only fuckin’ Monday. Two weeks to the midterms, friends! Make every minute count!