Goddammit, it was a short week! How was there still so much fuckery?!?! What if I wanted a nice, uninterrupted, stretch of time to unwind and devote my mental energies to something pleasant for a change? What if I wanted to watch The Wire? What if I wanted to finally start those Caro Lyndon Johnson books that’ve been gathering dust on my shelf since Borders went out of business? Fuck you, Donald Trump.

Before we get cookin’, let me push the Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms. We’re in the heart of the fight now, and your Democratic candidates need YOUR help if we’re gonna take Congress back. It’s a fuckin’ fight, my friends. You can’t stay on the sidelines. There’s too much at stake.

So I guess the big news was that anonymous op-ed in the Failing New York Times, huh? A mysterious, high-ranking Team Treasonweasel official says he/she is part of a secret Shart House resistance movement, and that they are saving the country from Grampa Hategoober’s zaniest, evilest, impulses! They ignore orders, they slip horse tranquilizers into his Cokes, they’ve set up an entire fake phone line at the Pentagon just to divert tantrum-induced airstrike commands. In other news, Drumpfy sincerely believes that the Air Force is run by one General Hugh Jass, and that Ottawa, Canada, is a smoldering crater.

Anyhow, Strawberry Shartcake is melting down, and it’s basically the last scene of Reservoir Dogs in the Oval Office now. Littlefinger wants the Justice Department to drop everything and waterboard the staff that, um, he himself hand-picked.

I see Alex Jones and Marco Rubio bumped chests like a couple of middle school boys in the hallowed halls of the Senate, because, as I have often noted, we live in Hell. You could get buried alive under the avalanche of think pieces about the symbolic nature of this clash of two massive dipshits for the soul of the conservative movement. Ah yes. The screeching, mendacious, hate-monger versus the spineless, self-righteous, haircut. The real winner here is American Decline.

Oh, and a couple hours later, Jones and his shitty little conspiracy website got banned from Twitter until the end of time, cutting him off from his last available significant social media platform. Once the Sandy Hook families he’s terrorized for years are done bleeding him dry of every single ill-gotten dollar in court, Jones will likely be reduced to screaming about lizard people while patrons throw tomatoes at him at Renaissance Fairs, one dollar for three tries.

Polls reveal that Dorito Mussolini’s desperate campaign to discredit the Mueller investigation is failing like…well, like every other aspect of his Presidency, so he’s resorting to new tactics, frantically insisting he has “100 pictures” of the Special Counsel and former FBI Director Jolly James Comey “hugging and kissing each other.”

“Sometimes my whole intelligence briefing is just a slide show of the two of ‘em making out in the back of the theatre during a screening of the beloved Jennifer Lopez vehicle, THE BOY NEXT DOOR,” rambled the President, wiping drool from the corner of his mouth with his too-long necktie. “I have a drawing of Bob Mueller with his whole hand up Comey’s ass to the elbow. I doodle sometimes during meetings.”

A couple of Roger Stone’s associates are dealing with subpoenas from The Bobadook, and Stone has probably given up hope by now that this is all simply the set-up for an elaborate birthday party. But maybe the FBI agents will still yell “surprise” when they arrest him.

(The Stone associates in question are Randy Credico and Jerome Corsi, for the record. I had typed this into my preparatory notes as “Corsi subpoena,” not knowing autocorrect would change this to “Corgi subpoena,” which was briefly confusing when I sat down to write.)

Laura Loomer is one of those nutjob right-wing internet celebrities; she’s famous mostly for disrupting a play like a jackass, because…she’s a jackass. Anyhow, she tried her shtick in Congress this week, the latest attempt to fill the deep dark hole that opened in her shriveled, misshapen, soul when she lost her blue checkmark. Loomer’s never needed any help making a fool of herself, but when she DOES get an assist, like she got from Congressman Billy Long, the results are..exquisite.

Rapey Roy Moore is suing Sacha Baron Cohen for…making Roy Moore look like a pervy old clown. Hmmm. If he’s successful, Judge Pedo would likely spend the rest of his days suing himself over and over again on the same grounds.

Seems New Jersey Republican Senate candidate Bob Hugin jacked up the prices on a cancer drug his company owns…for Americans anyway, while simultaneously lowering them in Russia, and…are you fucking kidding me? Is this fucking real? Or are we in the Matrix, and Aaron Sorkin just quit and the replacement writers are trying to continue the storylines, but they totally lack subtlety?

Duncan Hunter has long opposed marriage equality on the grounds that “marriage is a vitally important and sacred institution.” Not so sacred that he wouldn’t illegally spend campaign cash on multiple mistresses, though. Marriage, while super-duper sacred, also does not seem to be quite sacred enough to prevent Duncan from throwing his sacred wife under the most sacred bus available at the first sign of trouble. Sacredly, of course.

The Kavanaugh confirmation hearings are going really well, except for the part where the nominee is repeatedly revealed as a dishonest partisan hack who has no business judging a Who Grew the Biggest Gourd in Kentucky competition, let alone sitting on the Supreme Sheepfucking Court for the rest of his life.

Nice to see Senate Dems gettin’ all scrappy though, wasn’t it? My favorite part was when Cory Booker stood on his desk, took off his shirt, and shouted, “Come at me, bro!” at Chuck Grassley. Honestly, I don’t care if Booker IS putting on a show ahead of a 2020 run, he and Mazie Hirono are doing heroic work, releasing documents to the American people that the Republicans on the committee have tried to keep hidden.

So yeah, I guess Bratty Brett perjured himself before Congress a time or two. Received some stolen documents. Lied about it. Misrepresented his position on Roe v. Wade being settled law, which is REALLY gonna inconvenience Susan Collins, who’s got all kinds of logical gymnastics to pull off now in order to pretend she doesn’t understand what her vote will do to women’s rights in this country. He seems to be a less-than-casual fan of civil rights. But honestly, does all that mean he shouldn’t be allowed to sit on the highest court in the land and shape American law for the rest of his life?

I mean, FUCK YES IT DOES, but try telling that to the criminal cabal we call the Senate GOP Caucus.

…you could totally tell Kavanaugh was fartin’ up the hearing room the whole time, too.  Jerk.

Rudy Giuliani now claims his Doddering Dotard client will not answer any questions about obstruction of justice, in person or in writing, no way, no how. He will not answer in a note, he will not answer on a boat. He will not answer on a beach, he will not answer when his traitorous ass finally finally FINALLY gets impeached.  And then maybe he “backtracked.”  Can we all be honest enough to admit Rudy is an addled old man who doesn’t understand what he’s saying?

I see we’ve arrived at the Switching Out Insufficiently Enthusiastic Audience Members portion of the Shitty Real Life Orwell Theatre production we’re all trapped in. Also the Trumpkin Literally Wipes Her Nose with the American Flag portion, it seems. Straight Dime Store Stalin shit.

And Little Georgie Papaderpaderp was sentenced today, to two weeks in prison, a year of supervised release, and permanent exile from Jeff Sessions’ Xmas card list. He also has to do 200 hours of community service, which I’d like to suggest could be filled by working up a stand-up routine based around his insider knowledge of Stephen Miller’s porn history.

Th’Paper of Record felt compelled to publish an entire article debunking the American President’s assertion that he doesn’t use certain slurs, or demean southerners in general, often both at the same time. I’m sure Shart-O the Clown’s southern base will learn of his lifetime of derisive dismissal of them and…shout Lock Her Up some more. Hell. We live in HELL.

Now I can joke about living in Hell, but it’s the actual fucking reality for the hundreds of immigrant children our shitsack government continue to detain. And now the monsters are trying to weasel around the laws that keep them from jailing kids indefinitely. This Parade of Rectal Tumors has more or less given up on bringing manufacturing jobs back to the Rust Belt, but kids in cages? That one they’ll fight for, tooth and inadequately-short claw.

Oh hey! That Barack Obama guy came back! I missed him. I missed decency and honesty and…grammar. Anyway, the opening salvo of his return to politics on the midterms campaign trail was a doozy. It was tougher than I was expecting. It feels like another turning point on the road to taking our country back.  Good.

And I’m glad to have Obama back in the fight. But if you take only one thing he said today (or ever, for that matter) to heart, let it be this: “You cannot sit back and wait for a savior.”

Damn right, Mr. President.

You’re the savior. YOU. You reading this right now. Your country needs you. You up to it?

You better be.  You need to be.