Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
The News is Like, We’re in the Matrix, but like, a Horror Film Asylum Within the Matrix, Right?
Hey, before we jump in tonight, don’t forget to check out Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms! Everything you need to navigate the 2018 elections, and focus your activism! It’s a hoot, you’ll dig it, I promise.
I’m really starting to come around on the whole “slowly boiling frog” metaphor, y’know? I’m not sure how exactly I came to wake up in a country where we’re debating shit like “Is it a good idea to let any asshole use a 3-D printer to make a completely untraceable assault rifle in the comfort of his home/mom’s basement/meth trailer?” and “Free press, good or nah?” but nevertheless, here we are.
A world where a human tumor like Alex Jones is trying to recover $100,000 in court costs from a grieving family he and his shitsack followers have been terrorizing for years.
A world where the President of the United States flirts with a terrifying constitutional crisis, seemingly ordering his Attorney General to fire the Special Counsel investigating him, even as his former campaign manager goes on trial, and the world simply shrugs it off, “Oh that crazy Donnie and his disdain for the rule of law! WILL HE EVER LEARN?” (Cue laugh track).
But that’s not enough, of course. No, even though we have to scrape half an inch of bat guano off our windshields every morning before we drive to work, shit was not nearly crazy enough for the primitive prankster gods who apparently rule our reality. “Y’know what these poor bastards really need?” asked Anansi, snorting another line of bath salts. In unison, Loki and Pan screamed, “QANON!”
We should’ve known Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s shitty little hate cult wouldn’t stop at being Merely Deplorable. I suppose it makes sense…two years of non-stop tantruming with nothing to show for it except a big fat tax cut…for their bosses. No Big Stupid Wall, no Space Force, no National Holiday Celebrating Nathan Bedford Forrest…these loons have nothing to do with their pent-up resentments but go crazier and crazier and crazier.
And so now Shartboy’s rallies are increasingly filled with the lunatic’s lunatics of QAnon, conspiracy theorists so far out there, they think of Pizzagaters as “normies.” You won’t find a movement so simultaneously cud-brained stupid and Cuckoo’s Nest insane outside of Cleveland Browns fandom.
(Possibly the strangest belief of the QAnon crowd is that Donald Trump cares about anyone but himself.)
In the midst of all this genuinely dangerous madness, as ever-growing segments of the American populace spin ever-further away into these demented alternate realities, I confess I’m finding it difficult to go, “THE PRESIDENT THINKS YOU NEED AN ID TO BUY GROCERIES, WHAT A DUM-DUM!”
But goddammit, I will persevere! Pour yourself a tall glass of ether, and let’s wade through the muck together. You may want to put on a helmet.
Nice deep dive from ProPublica and the KC Star on our ol’ buddy, KKKris KKKobach, who built his fortune by pushing anti-immigrant measures in small-town America, then collecting fat legal fees from communities for his doomed courtroom defenses, like a racist Harold Hill. From KKKobach to Palin to David Barton, and so on, so many of the “leaders” of modern conservatism are just grifters lookin’ to monetize white anxiety.
Speaking of, Jim Jordan sure is multi-tasking these days! He’s running a futile campaign for Speaker of the House! He’s doing all he can to undermine the FBI! And somehow, he’s still found time to attack his accusers, and pressure them to recant their stories! WHO SAYS YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL?
Mummified Hypocrite Orrin Hatch, one of the leading conspirators in the theft of a Supreme Court seat, is sick and tired of Democrats’ partisanship, and Irony just committed suicide. Via wood chipper.
Paul Manafort’s trial is going really really badly…if you’re Paul Manafort. For everybody else, it’s fucking hilarious. We’ve learned a lot about Paulie’s wardrobe, which seems conspicuously emu-heavy. And I think I saw something where he owns a Cadillac where the seats are made from babies?
The former Shart Campaign Manger looks good and truly #Manafucked, though, with the prosecution presenting plentiful evidence of Manafort’s dirty dealings. As for his defense? It’s literally “If Paul was committing all these crimes, would he have left all this evidence lying around all over the place?”
…these are the most embarrassing traitors EVER.
Meanwhile, another aspect of the Mueller investigation seems to be closing in on Roger Stone. One of his aides lost a court battle attempting to duck a subpoena, while his old procurer friend sat down for a voluntary interview. I wouldn’t be worried, Rog. You seem like a fellah with nothing to hide.
Y’know, I shit on the Drumpf Administration all the time. I call them bungling nincompoops, incapable of shoelace-tying, let alone enacting their agenda. But I wanna be fair. I wanna be balanced.
So let’s do something different today. I’m gonna bite the bullet and acknowledge all the shit these barely-sentient dunghills are actually ACCOMPLISHING these days. Let’s recognize what the Buttplug Parade is DOING:
Useless insurance plans that take your hard-earned dollars, but don’t actually cover your health problems are BACK, baby! Yes, your President has restored your liberty to give your insurance company money for nothing! At press time, there was no word as to whether or not Blue Cross/Blue Shield’s chicks would be free, however.
Congratulations, America! You’re finally safe from the threat posed by Alejandra Juarez, mother to two American citizens and wife of Iraq veteran Temo Juarez! Your draft-dodging commander-in-chief is doing the hard work of wrecking the families of those who served America in times of war, so that shitty little white supremacists like Stephen Miller don’t have to share their air with any brown-skinned people!
You’ll recall the Shart Administration, in an act of state-sponsored, taxpayer-funded, terrorism, tore hundreds of families apart at the southern border, because the viagra doesn’t work for Jeff Sessions anymore. While they’ve been court-ordered to reunite their victims, they deported hundreds of parents without their children, and tracking the families down is just TOO GOSHDARNED HARD, so they want the ACLU to do it!
Got that, folks? Tangerine Idi Amin wants to outsource decency to the nonprofit sector! The brainless fuckheads think they can renegotiate complex international treaties, when they can’t clean up their own messes.
Listen up, snowflakes, your air is too damn clean as it is! RESPIRATION IS FOR CUCKS! From now on, we demand all automobiles belch out really awesome, Mad-Max-style exhaust, and run on a combination of crude oil and the flesh of endangered species!
For extra fun, they’re trying to remove California’s right to pass their own standards, part of the ongoing Fuck You For Not Voting for Me initiative. If Sharton Fink could figure out a way to pump Texas’ air pollution directly into Ivy League classrooms, they’d do it in a heartbeat.
The Congressional GOP has two foundational beliefs when it comes to Russian interference in American elections:
1. The Russian government has every intention of continuing to fuck around with our Democracy.
2. The Republican Party will steadfastly refuse to do even the tiniest fucking thing to stop them.
So yeah, no money to shore up the Federal Election Assistance Commission, we’re enjoying the fruits of our treasonous collaboration far too much, thanks.
Even while berating our closest allies at every opportunity, and ratcheting up his Boneheaded Trade War, our normally-belligerent Manchurian Manchild used seemingly every kind word he knew (he probably had to ask General Kelly for help) in a Tweet that stopped just short of “Prom? Check yes or no.”
South Carolina GOP honcho Todd Kincannon, believing himself to be the literal second coming of Christ, murdered his mom’s dog. He’ll be in the Cabinet by Christmas.
I don’t think anyone in human history has ever feared anything quite so much as Il Douche fears the press. The truth is his enemy, and despite his best efforts, it just keeps on trickling out. And there’s worse coming. It’s just around the corner. And he knows it.
And so this sad, hateful, old man, who has never for even one passing moment of his useless little life cared about anything other than himself, lashes out recklessly at the very foundation of the freedoms that actually make America great, the freedom of speech. This bloated fool, who won’t live ten more years, would happily reduce the United States’ democracy to a smoldering ruin, without thought or hesitation, simply to preserve his own comfort for one more day.
So he whips his little army of fearful losers up into a frothy frenzy of rage at the press, who report all the inconvenient truths of his crimes, and his failings. People have already died. It’s probably only a matter of time until more journalists are targeted. The President does not care about those lives, or the danger he puts them in.
Asked point blank, twice, to refute the thoroughly anti-American idea that the free press is “the enemy of the people,” Sarah Huckleberry Slanders flat-out refused, then had the Secret Service drive her over to James Madison’s grave, where she ordered the Father of the Constitution’s remains exhumed, just so she could piss all over them.
While her Dirtbag Dotard Dad stirs up his bloodthirsty mob with fear and hate and racism, Princess Ivanka is worried about the damage to her glistening *brand*! She says it was SO SAD that the White House she FUCKING WORKS IN decided to rip migrant families apart! She wants you to know that she doesn’t think journalists should be dragged from their homes and drawn and quartered, but Daddy gets carried away sometimes! She’s the cuddly frilly nicey-nice Trump, you see? The worn-out Care Bear doll dropped on Dresden after the fire-bombing!
Fuck right on off, Princess. We’re getting reports that a toddler died after spending time in one of your terrorist pop’s ICE detention centers, so your professed, and might I add LOUDLY trumpeted good intentions count for precisely jack shit.
Say, the NRA is makin’ noises about how maybe the Russian oligarch money has dried up like a ruptured pipeline, and they may not be able to afford to advocate for mass murder anymore, let alone subsidize all the make-up that really brings out the soulless deadness in Dana Loesch’s eyes.
This actually worries me, Shower Captives. I mean, if the NRA does go bankrupt…will I EVER stop celebrating? Andrew W.K. will be all, “C’mon Cap…keep it down, we’re trying to sleep,” and I’ll just be stumbling around with my bathrobe open, holding a Sam’s-Club-sized plastic vodka bottle in one hand, and a samurai sword in the other, singing We Are the Champions at the top of my lungs.
Joking aside, the real victims of an NRA bankruptcy would be the poor Republican campaign staffers who would surely be laid off when all that sweet murder money dried up.
I see the Koch Wing and the Bannon Wing of the Republican Party are feuding. Me, I’d like to see the two sides sit down in a room together…then throw in a bag full of hammers and hacksaws, lock the door, and let God sort ‘em out.
Turdwaffle Jr, whose shitty father spends his leisure time inciting violence against the Lügenpresse, thinks it’s the Democrats who are the Nazi-ish ones, because he saw Dinesh D’Souza’s latest epic, and lacking the critical thinking skills of a second grader, imagined he was watching a documentary.
And in the midst of all this Lovecraft-level madness, THEY’RE BRINGING ALF BACK?!?!? YOU FINALLY REALLY DID IT! YOU MANIACS! AH, DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
Fucking hell, I am EXHAUSTED by this shit, friends. I think tomorrow, I’m going to try to something I haven’t done since before the 2016 primaries started up: one entire news-free day. I’m gonna watch movies and read comics and drink beer and hang out with real human beings for a change.
…you watch, we’ll be at war with Portugal by noon.