Hey, before we jump in tonight, don’t forget to check out Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms!  Everything you need to navigate the 2018 elections, and focus your activism!  It’s a hoot, you’ll dig it, I promise.

I’m really starting to come around on the whole “slowly boiling frog” metaphor, y’know? I’m not sure how exactly I came to wake up in a country where we’re debating shit like “Is it a good idea to let any asshole use a 3-D printer to make a completely untraceable assault rifle in the comfort of his home/mom’s basement/meth trailer?” and “Free press, good or nah?” but nevertheless, here we are.

A world where a human tumor like Alex Jones is trying to recover $100,000 in court costs from a grieving family he and his shitsack followers have been terrorizing for years.

A world where the President of the United States flirts with a terrifying constitutional crisis, seemingly ordering his Attorney General to fire the Special Counsel investigating him, even as his former campaign manager goes on trial, and the world simply shrugs it off, “Oh that crazy Donnie and his disdain for the rule of law! WILL HE EVER LEARN?” (Cue laugh track).

But that’s not enough, of course. No, even though we have to scrape half an inch of bat guano off our windshields every morning before we drive to work, shit was not nearly crazy enough for the primitive prankster gods who apparently rule our reality. “Y’know what these poor bastards really need?” asked Anansi, snorting another line of bath salts. In unison, Loki and Pan screamed, “QANON!”

We should’ve known Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s shitty little hate cult wouldn’t stop at being Merely Deplorable. I suppose it makes sense…two years of non-stop tantruming with nothing to show for it except a big fat tax cut…for their bosses. No Big Stupid Wall, no Space Force, no National Holiday Celebrating Nathan Bedford Forrest…these loons have nothing to do with their pent-up resentments but go crazier and crazier and crazier.

And so now Shartboy’s rallies are increasingly filled with the lunatic’s lunatics of QAnon, conspiracy theorists so far out there, they think of Pizzagaters as “normies.” You won’t find a movement so simultaneously cud-brained stupid and Cuckoo’s Nest insane outside of Cleveland Browns fandom.

(Possibly the strangest belief of the QAnon crowd is that Donald Trump cares about anyone but himself.)

In the midst of all this genuinely dangerous madness, as ever-growing segments of the American populace spin ever-further away into these demented alternate realities, I confess I’m finding it difficult to go, “THE PRESIDENT THINKS YOU NEED AN ID TO BUY GROCERIES, WHAT A DUM-DUM!”

But goddammit, I will persevere! Pour yourself a tall glass of ether, and let’s wade through the muck together. You may want to put on a helmet.

Nice deep dive from ProPublica and the KC Star on our ol’ buddy, KKKris KKKobach, who built his fortune by pushing anti-immigrant measures in small-town America, then collecting fat legal fees from communities for his doomed courtroom defenses, like a racist Harold Hill. From KKKobach to Palin to David Barton, and so on, so many of the “leaders” of modern conservatism are just grifters lookin’ to monetize white anxiety.

Speaking of, Jim Jordan sure is multi-tasking these days! He’s running a futile campaign for Speaker of the House! He’s doing all he can to undermine the FBI! And somehow, he’s still found time to attack his accusers, and pressure them to recant their stories! WHO SAYS YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL?

Mummified Hypocrite Orrin Hatch, one of the leading conspirators in the theft of a Supreme Court seat, is sick and tired of Democrats’ partisanship, and Irony just committed suicide. Via wood chipper.

Paul Manafort’s trial is going really really badly…if you’re Paul Manafort. For everybody else, it’s fucking hilarious. We’ve learned a lot about Paulie’s wardrobe, which seems conspicuously emu-heavy. And I think I saw something where he owns a Cadillac where the seats are made from babies?

The former Shart Campaign Manger looks good and truly #Manafucked, though, with the prosecution presenting plentiful evidence of Manafort’s dirty dealings. As for his defense? It’s literally “If Paul was committing all these crimes, would he have left all this evidence lying around all over the place?”

…these are the most embarrassing traitors EVER.

Meanwhile, another aspect of the Mueller investigation seems to be closing in on Roger Stone. One of his aides lost a court battle attempting to duck a subpoena, while his old procurer friend sat down for a voluntary interview. I wouldn’t be worried, Rog. You seem like a fellah with nothing to hide.

Y’know, I shit on the Drumpf Administration all the time. I call them bungling nincompoops, incapable of shoelace-tying, let alone enacting their agenda. But I wanna be fair. I wanna be balanced.

So let’s do something different today. I’m gonna bite the bullet and acknowledge all the shit these barely-sentient dunghills are actually ACCOMPLISHING these days. Let’s recognize what the Buttplug Parade is DOING:

RESTORING JUNK HEALTH INSURANCE PLANS!

Useless insurance plans that take your hard-earned dollars, but don’t actually cover your health problems are BACK, baby! Yes, your President has restored your liberty to give your insurance company money for nothing! At press time, there was no word as to whether or not Blue Cross/Blue Shield’s chicks would be free, however.

DEPORTING THE WIFE OF A MARINE VETERAN!

Congratulations, America! You’re finally safe from the threat posed by Alejandra Juarez, mother to two American citizens and wife of Iraq veteran Temo Juarez! Your draft-dodging commander-in-chief is doing the hard work of wrecking the families of those who served America in times of war, so that shitty little white supremacists like Stephen Miller don’t have to share their air with any brown-skinned people!

PASSING THE BUCK ON FAMILY SEPARATION!

You’ll recall the Shart Administration, in an act of state-sponsored, taxpayer-funded, terrorism, tore hundreds of families apart at the southern border, because the viagra doesn’t work for Jeff Sessions anymore. While they’ve been court-ordered to reunite their victims, they deported hundreds of parents without their children, and tracking the families down is just TOO GOSHDARNED HARD, so they want the ACLU to do it!

Got that, folks? Tangerine Idi Amin wants to outsource decency to the nonprofit sector! The brainless fuckheads think they can renegotiate complex international treaties, when they can’t clean up their own messes.

ROLLING BACK AUTOMOTIVE POLLUTION STANDARDS!

Listen up, snowflakes, your air is too damn clean as it is! RESPIRATION IS FOR CUCKS! From now on, we demand all automobiles belch out really awesome, Mad-Max-style exhaust, and run on a combination of crude oil and the flesh of endangered species!

For extra fun, they’re trying to remove California’s right to pass their own standards, part of the ongoing Fuck You For Not Voting for Me initiative. If Sharton Fink could figure out a way to pump Texas’ air pollution directly into Ivy League classrooms, they’d do it in a heartbeat.

BLOCKING FUNDING FOR ELECTION SECURITY!

The Congressional GOP has two foundational beliefs when it comes to Russian interference in American elections:

1. The Russian government has every intention of continuing to fuck around with our Democracy.
2. The Republican Party will steadfastly refuse to do even the tiniest fucking thing to stop them.

So yeah, no money to shore up the Federal Election Assistance Commission, we’re enjoying the fruits of our treasonous collaboration far too much, thanks.

PRAISING MURDEROUS DICTATORS!

Even while berating our closest allies at every opportunity, and ratcheting up his Boneheaded Trade War, our normally-belligerent Manchurian Manchild used seemingly every kind word he knew (he probably had to ask General Kelly for help) in a Tweet that stopped just short of “Prom? Check yes or no.”

SACRIFICING DOGS!

South Carolina GOP honcho Todd Kincannon, believing himself to be the literal second coming of Christ, murdered his mom’s dog. He’ll be in the Cabinet by Christmas.

ASSAULTING ONE OF THE BEDROCK PRINCIPLES OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY!

I don’t think anyone in human history has ever feared anything quite so much as Il Douche fears the press. The truth is his enemy, and despite his best efforts, it just keeps on trickling out. And there’s worse coming. It’s just around the corner. And he knows it.

And so this sad, hateful, old man, who has never for even one passing moment of his useless little life cared about anything other than himself, lashes out recklessly at the very foundation of the freedoms that actually make America great, the freedom of speech. This bloated fool, who won’t live ten more years, would happily reduce the United States’ democracy to a smoldering ruin, without thought or hesitation, simply to preserve his own comfort for one more day.

So he whips his little army of fearful losers up into a frothy frenzy of rage at the press, who report all the inconvenient truths of his crimes, and his failings. People have already died. It’s probably only a matter of time until more journalists are targeted. The President does not care about those lives, or the danger he puts them in.

Asked point blank, twice, to refute the thoroughly anti-American idea that the free press is “the enemy of the people,” Sarah Huckleberry Slanders flat-out refused, then had the Secret Service drive her over to James Madison’s grave, where she ordered the Father of the Constitution’s remains exhumed, just so she could piss all over them.

While her Dirtbag Dotard Dad stirs up his bloodthirsty mob with fear and hate and racism, Princess Ivanka is worried about the damage to her glistening *brand*! She says it was SO SAD that the White House she FUCKING WORKS IN decided to rip migrant families apart! She wants you to know that she doesn’t think journalists should be dragged from their homes and drawn and quartered, but Daddy gets carried away sometimes! She’s the cuddly frilly nicey-nice Trump, you see? The worn-out Care Bear doll dropped on Dresden after the fire-bombing!

Fuck right on off, Princess. We’re getting reports that a toddler died after spending time in one of your terrorist pop’s ICE detention centers, so your professed, and might I add LOUDLY trumpeted good intentions count for precisely jack shit.

Say, the NRA is makin’ noises about how maybe the Russian oligarch money has dried up like a ruptured pipeline, and they may not be able to afford to advocate for mass murder anymore, let alone subsidize all the make-up that really brings out the soulless deadness in Dana Loesch’s eyes.

This actually worries me, Shower Captives. I mean, if the NRA does go bankrupt…will I EVER stop celebrating? Andrew W.K. will be all, “C’mon Cap…keep it down, we’re trying to sleep,” and I’ll just be stumbling around with my bathrobe open, holding a Sam’s-Club-sized plastic vodka bottle in one hand, and a samurai sword in the other, singing We Are the Champions at the top of my lungs.

Joking aside, the real victims of an NRA bankruptcy would be the poor Republican campaign staffers who would surely be laid off when all that sweet murder money dried up.

I see the Koch Wing and the Bannon Wing of the Republican Party are feuding. Me, I’d like to see the two sides sit down in a room together…then throw in a bag full of hammers and hacksaws, lock the door, and let God sort ‘em out.

Turdwaffle Jr, whose shitty father spends his leisure time inciting violence against the Lügenpresse, thinks it’s the Democrats who are the Nazi-ish ones, because he saw Dinesh D’Souza’s latest epic, and lacking the critical thinking skills of a second grader, imagined he was watching a documentary.

Fuck, there’s too much to even keep up with. There’s a spy in the embassy in Moscow. There are Fake News t-shirts in the Newseum gift shop. THERE ARE GOATS RUNNING RAMPANT IN THE STREETS OF BOISE!

And in the midst of all this Lovecraft-level madness, THEY’RE BRINGING ALF BACK?!?!? YOU FINALLY REALLY DID IT! YOU MANIACS! AH, DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Fucking hell, I am EXHAUSTED by this shit, friends. I think tomorrow, I’m going to try to something I haven’t done since before the 2016 primaries started up: one entire news-free day. I’m gonna watch movies and read comics and drink beer and hang out with real human beings for a change.

…you watch, we’ll be at war with Portugal by noon.