Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
The President is Afraid of a Dead Man’s Name on the Side of a Boat, & Other News
It’s always nice when Shithead leaves the country, isn’t it? The air just smells a little cleaner, which I assume is the absence of experimental hair tonic fumes and overdone steak farts. Anyway, it looks like Customs let the fucker back in, so I guess it’s back to work, Resisters.
Of course, Dorito Mussolini certainly wasn’t going to let a journey abroad interfere with his favorite pastime; losing in court. This latest humiliating failure involved his blatantly unconstitutional scheme to circumvent Congress’ refusal to fund his Big Stupid Wall by declaring a state of emergency, where the emergency was “I’m too shitty at my job to get what I want.” Weird that that didn’t work. I swear, if Donald Trump had to duel the Devil at Losing in Court, it wouldn’t be close.
While in Japan, Fat Q*Bert mostly whined and sulked about the news back home, periodically jumping through hoops for Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. He did take time out to high-five Kim Jong-un, aka That Guy Who Keeps Firing Missiles at Japan, for taking a dig at Joe Biden, or perhaps Joe Bidan, whichever one is trouncing him in every available Rust Belt poll.
What’s really amazing here is, Strawberry Shartcake really thinks Kim is his BUD, rather than a murderous, third-rate, goon who can’t believe his luck that the President of the Whole Goddamn United States is such a pliable doofus that he can flatter his way out of any consequences for torturing an American citizen to death.
Of course, what does it say when the dude who’s effortlessly manipulated by such a cheap thug plays YOU like a fiddle? Because the Failing-for-real-this-time New York Times apparently could think of no greater use for its precious column inches than a chronicle of Weehands McNodick’s juvenile nicknames for his political opponents, and yeah if you think I’m linking to that shit, this stupid mask must be workin’, cuz you don’t know me at all.
In other news, I guess Jon Voight is an idiot. That’s kinda interesting. Or not. I really enjoyed his work in Midnight Cowboy, but he sure turned out to be one dumb motherfucker, didn’t he?
Back home, Alabama Congressdoorknob Mo Brooks unveiled a bold new theory, attributing rising sea levels not to climate change but to, and holy fuck I feel stupid just typing this, dirt and rocks falling into the ocean. Hmmm…y’know what, I’m gonna go out a limb and bet that your research isn’t quite peer-reviewed, Mo. I tell you folks, if we just put childproof locks on the doors to the House Chamber, we could solve 80% of the nation’s problems overnight.
Duncan Hunter, in an effort to defend a war criminal (which is, I guess, something that Duncan Hunter feels is a worthwhile endeavor for whatever reason), casually admitted that he, too, has posed for photos with an enemy corpse, while serving in the Marine Corps. Between Hunter and Brooks, I have to ask…do y’all understand what cameras are? Do you comprehend that when you say creepy and/or stupid shit in front of one, the whole world will quickly discover how creepy and/or stupid you are?
Dude’s under indictment for honey bunches of crimes already, is he going for some sort of “incurable sociopath” defense? “As you can plainly see, your honor, I’ve been a raging asshat my entire life. Frankly, any day I get through without kicking an old lady or drowning a puppy merits a pizza party, in my view. With cake. Ice cream cake.”
So, the wedding planner that the Velveeta Vulgarian installed as a high-ranking HUD official (this time period is gonna confuse the fuck out of historians) felt it was very important to let the American people know how little she cares that she’s violating the Hatch Act. Later, Kellyanne Conway sneeringly concurred that laws are indeed for cucks. Now, I don’t want to seem alarmist, but we’ve officially arrived at the point in the story where the (aggressively subpar) agents of the regime feel comfortable openly mocking the rule of law, and that is, I submit to you, decidedly not bangarang.
This is gonna seem ultra-weird under our swamp-draining, hyper-transparent, not-even-slightly-nepotistic administration, but Jared Kushner’s mega-corrupt family business, despite their well-publicized recent struggles to get out from under a terrible Manhattan real estate deal, somehow managed to procure a federally-backed $800 million loan! Some folks’re just lucky, I guess!
Oh and some genius “political analyst” figured it’d be a really awesome joke if he made up a “plausible”-sounding Trump quote to follow up on the Biden/Kim shenanigans, and it went so well, Government Cheese Goebbels himself merrily presented it to the world as an example of the devious, dishonest, Fake Nooz Left out to discredit and destroy him, and thanks to your little gag, Ian Bremmer, he got to be 100% in the right this time. Anyway, if we all end up in camps, you definitely get the bottom bunk, bro, for lending these wannabe-fascists a helping hand in their quest to destroy the free press.
Bloomberg reports that Mick Mulvaney and Alex Acosta are waging themselves a little jagoff turf war over control of the Department of Labor. Golly, who do even you root for when two of history’s leading ballsacktumors butt heads? It’s like choosing between the rabid hyena gnawing on your face and the Ebola virus liquefying your organs, y’know?
Michael Wolff, who is apparently still fond of money, has a shiny new book coming out, full of salacious-if-totally-unfounded clickbait, but this time around it feels like “sorry bro, now that we have kiddie koncentration kamps and daily constitutional crises, your fanfic where Steve Bannon comes off like a catty little bitch just doesn’t feel shocking anymore, but thanks for playing.
Secretary of Transportation/Tortoise Aficionado Elaine Chao seems to have changed her mind about divesting herself of stock in a company DoT would oversee, because ethics just don’t keep Mitch in turtle chow, y’all. At this point, these bastards are just trying to see how much shit they can get away with without even landing in the A section of the paper. Mark my words, Steve Mnuchin’s gonna open a meth lab right in the Treasury Building, and then to one-up him, Sonny Perdue’ll have to beat an intern to death with a lead pipe on Meet the Press. Transportation Sec unethically lining her pockets? Shit, that shares a page with the crossword or a fuckin’ Macy’s ad.
Not content with their daily betrayals of the United States of America, the Turdmaggot Administration wants to do all it can to fuck up the whole dang world, so they’re ramping up their assault on climate science by preventing government scientists from using computer generated models that actually, y’know, tell us the things we need to know about whether or not the planet will be inhabitable in the future. Something you, dear reader, probably don’t know about climate change is, if enough conservatives close their eyes really tight, cover their ears as hard as they can, and chant NEENERNEENERNEENER loud enough, the planet’s climate automatically reverts to normal, and the emissions from fossil fuels suddenly cure cancer and also give off a refreshing pine scent. CHECKMATE LIBTARDS.
So you probably saw the thing where Mitch McConnell smirkingly declared that the rule he pulled straight out of his reptilian rectum to block Merrick Garland’s Supreme Court appointment would magically disintegrate should a new vacancy arise in 2020, because he runs the U.S. Senate like a shitty, white supremacist, Calvinball game. Infuriating, yes?
Yeah, Wrinkly Gamera just loooooooooves getting under your skin, but I say don’t take the bait. You wanna piss Mitch McConnell off? Send him to the minority. Watch him flail and twitch and rage through the twilight of his career as we methodically undo his life’s work. Or better yet, defeat him next year so he can do all that flailing/twitching/raging even more ineffectually, at home.
So, Bodacious Bob Mueller assembled the press, and therefore the American people, to say “Hey, READ MY SHIT! I made this report, I worked REALLY hard on it, Bill Barr even let me use the office laminating machine for the cover, and I don’t wanna be pushy or anything, but rather than blindly accepting the spin of whichever pundits comfortingly parrot your own beliefs back at you, maybe you could shut off the teevee, put down your phone, and, I dunno, READ WHAT I ACTUALLY FUCKING WROTE?!?!”
“Maybe I can just walk y’all through a few bullet point before I go on the most deserved vacation in American history. RUSSIA ATTACKED THE UNITED STATES. The United States is the country where we all live, and I wouldn’t bring that up if it didn’t seem like some of y’all in Congress hadn’t gotten a little confused on that point, what with McConnell repeatedly blocking bills to shore up election security against future attacks. Look, I’ve been busy, but is DEFENDING THE MOTHERFUCKING HOMELAND FROM FOREIGN ATTACKS partisan now? Because if so, I’m handing in my secret elephant decoder ring, ‘kay?”
“And by the way, the only reason I didn’t indict Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops is because he is way too good at business and also I was afraid he might strangle me to death with his totally-normal-sized hands JUST KIDDING it’s because he’s the sitting President. If he wasn’t President, he’d be in fucking jail right now. Shit, he’d have six or seven jails fighting over who gets him. I’m kind of not allowed to say ‘impeach the motherfucker,’ but ‘im-each-pay uh-thay otherfucker-may,’ if you catch my drift…do I have to fucking sit here and tap out ‘impeach him’ in Morse code with my motherfucking finger on this motherfucking lectern?”
And somehow, the world exploded, like he said something, anything, beyond what he wrote in the report that was released weeks ago, even though he absolutely did not. Apparently, America just needs to hear Robert Mueller say shit himself. Maybe I should hire him to read my humble blog aloud, or to ask that one cute barista out for me.
Rick Perry, who continues to serve as Energy Secretary primarily because he gets a kick out of going to regular cabinet meetings where he’s not the biggest buffoon in the room for a change, finds himself presiding over a desperate bid to rebrand fossil fuels as “Freedom Gas,” or even “Molecules of U.S. freedom.” What’s the problem, Rick? Was “Patriot Smoke” taken? “Emancipation Vapor?” Anyhow, I think Rick Perry has the mother lode of Freedom Gas between his ears HAW HAW HAW TIP YOUR WAIT STAFF.
If you happen to be allergic to patheticness, you were likely hospitalized this week in the wake of the news about Shart House aides frantically trying to cover up all evidence of the USS John S. McCain during President Crotchvoid’s Japan trip because the commander in chief of the most powerful military force the world has ever known possesses all the crippling insecurity of a zit-riddled sixth-grader at his first school dance, who was so awkward that he actually brought a book to read rather than displaying his desperation in front of all his classmates and holy hell this sentence got autobiographical in a hurry MOVING ON.
Anyway, the next President shouldn’t be the single most pitiful man in America, is all I’m saying. The next President shouldn’t be AFRAID OF A NAME ON THE SIDE OF A BOAT.
Just as a side note, if it were up to me, I woulda painted a great big fuckin’ thumbs down on the side of that destroyer, give Shartolo Colon the welcome he deserves.
Secret documents from a prominent Republican ratfucker reveal the Very Fine Administration’s proposed census immigration question, currently awaiting SCOTUS ruling, was indeed drafted with enshrining institutionalized white supremacy in mind, kinda like, y’know, EVERY SINGLE THING THE REPUBLICAN PARTY DOES THESE DAYS. Don’t worry, I’m sure Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch will do the right thing and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH GOTCHA.
Hey, have you met Scott Warren? Scott’s facing a potential 20 year prison sentence. Now, since a Tennessee pastor recently got just 12 years for repeatedly raping his own daughter, Scott must’ve done something genuinely heinous, right? Well you see, and you may want to shield young children from the remainder of this paragraph…Scott Warren gave food and water to a couple of migrants in the Arizona desert.
Look, Scott, your federal government wants to torture and terrorize migrants, not help them! Compassionate conservatism is as extinct as Stephen Miller’s spray-on hair experiment, and if our white supremacist government has to lock you up because the light of your decency shines too brightly on the evils of their dehumanization campaign, then so be it.
Roy Moore, with more free time than he knows what to do with now that he’s been banned from every mall and playground in Alabama, keeps making noises about another Senate run. Republicans want you to believe they oppose Moore’s candidacy because of his history of sexual deviancy, but PedoPal Alex Acosta’s ongoing Labor Secretaryship dispels that particular spin rather thoroughly; nah, while the GOP’s tolerance for crime of all stripes is limitless, the one thing they cannot abide is a loser. Still, the Carcinogenic Creamsicle wants the world to know he has “NOTHING against Roy Moore,” which is a strange thing to say, on account of Moore being a FUCKING PEDOPHILE. Like my grandpappy used to say, “Son, don’t walk through this life concerned about the esteem of child molesters.” I have that cross-stitched, in a folksy little frame, on the wall of my apartment.
Heh. Looks like the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits lost track of his lies for a moment, and accidentally admitted that th’Russians provided the booster seat he sits on behind the Resolute desk. He tried to delete the tweet and walk back his confession, but sorry, Shart-O…no do-overs.
Rough one tonight, huh? There’s some legitimately scary shit going down these days, so I think everybody deserves a first-Thanksgiving-home-from-college-sized portion of good news, just as a reminder that while everything that’s good and decent about this country seems to be under assault from a thousand different directions every single goddamn day, the good guys are still winning a few.
Now that team blue is runnin’ the show in Nevada, a big fat criminal justice reform bill has been signed into law, including felon re-enfranchisement! Call it the Reverse DeSantis Maneuver. Maybe “WE’RE not afraid of voters” should be the official Democratic Party slogan.
Plus, New Hampshire abolished the death penalty, an act made all the sweeter by the legislature telling Republican Governor Chris Sununu precisely where he can stick his veto*.
But for me, the schadenfreude maraschino cherry on this week’s Go Fuck Yourself sundae has to be the ouster of Texas Secretary of State David Whitley, whose KKKobachian attempt at a massive voter roll purge went too far even for a traditional Republican stronghold. Turns out that Beto-led blue surge down in the Lone Star State was just big enough to have real impact. Elections matter, folks. All of ‘em.
And a big shout-out to CNN for that rare act of brutally honest journalism, calling President Liar McLieface out for his “flurry of lies!” If you’re truly committed to staying on the truth train, maybe you could also mention that he doesn’t know how to tie a necktie, close an umbrella, or buy pants that don’t look ridiculous.
Well, I think we’re more or less caught up now, Shower Captives. Thank you for bearing with me during a week when the madness in my personal life threatened to match the Category 5 turd hurricane that is the daily news. There’s been a little extra stress, but nothing a six-pack here and there hasn’t been able to fix.
PS – Of course, while I was writing, President Shartcannon, in his wisdom, figured he could just impose tariffs on Mexico until they solved his “immigration crisis” for him. Anyway, congrats on your new tax, America…I wonder how many billions we get to pay to bail the economy out this time?
*Up his ass, is the implication here. He can stick his veto up his ass. Just wanted to be clear.