Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
THE STATE OF THE UNIOM IS THE UNIOM IS FUCKED!
Well, looks like Tom Hanks will be playing Mr. Rogers in a forthcoming biopic, and if that isn’t the most heartwarming thing I’ve heard in months, I don’t know what is.
Cling to that image, of Tom Hanks warmly intoning, “Won’t you be my neighbor?” because the rest of today’s news is like a sewage line exploded in a haunted house. One of those psychologically-scarring “Christian” haunted houses you read about.
Today was seriously fucked up, is what I’m saying. Put on a helmet before you read the rest of this blog.
I guess everybody’s mad now that we need to pay $24 million to replace the refrigerators on Air Force One, but hey, this one honestly isn’t Shartboy’s fault, the plane needs to be equipped for extreme emergency contingencies, and trust me, by the end of this blog you’ll have way too much other shit occupying your emotional bandwidth to care about a fucking fridge.
Ross Douthat penned a little column over the weekend, with the Stephen Kingworthy title “The Necessity of Stephen Miller.” The idea is, since Miller channels the sputtering, impotent, rage of the Very Fine People, he really deserves to be at the table during immigration talks, acting like backing off his proposal to make cross-burning materials tax-deductible counts as a major concession to the left.
Ross the Reasonable Racist is one of those gloriously clueless “rational” Republicans who acts like he doesn’t understand where Tangerine Idi Amin came from, and lives in denial of his personal role in shaping the American Right into the hate-belching rube army that chose a pussy-grabbing charlatan over Jeb(!) Bush.
Lemme help you out, Ross. Just because there are truly distressingly large numbers of bigoted shitbags in this country doesn’t mean we should legitimize their bigotry. It’s like saying, “Well, there are a whole bunch of creationists, they really should have a seat at the table when we’re writing science textbooks.”
I think we should make Ross live his entire life by this standard. Always konsult a Klansman for any decision, however minor!
“Should we go to our favorite steakhouse for dinner tonight, Richard Spencer?”
“No! Two of the servers are black, you race traitor, you!”
“What brand of toothpaste should I buy, Mike Cernovich?”
“Whichever one whitens the most, of course!”
ARRRRRGHH WHY AM I STILL WRITING ABOUT ROSS GODDAMN DOUTHAT?!? Today sucks.
Bernie Marcus, the Montgomery Burns Cosplayer who runs Home Depot took to Fux Nooz to sneer a bit about how Democrats are dumb and brainless for opposing the recent GOP bill that lowered Bernie Marcus’ taxes so much, presumably because he wants to lose the business of the majority of Americans who hate the bill, and are also likely less than fond of being taunted by oligarchs.
Marcus then returned to his estate for a light evening of bear-baiting and increasing the vending machine prices in his employee break rooms.
Jay-Z and the President of the United States of America are in what the kids call a “Twitter Feud,” because that’s just how life is now.
Y’know, Mr. President, I may not be a political scientist, but your pathological need to lash out at every black media figure that criticizes you probably outweighs the free ride you hitched on Obama’s economy, in terms of your approval rating with African-American voters.
Oh, and the “shithole” thing. And the “very fine people” thing. And the “Central Park Five” thing. And the “sued for racist renting practices” thing. But yeah, keep harping on the unemployment rate, that’ll work.
After giddily painting Harvey Weinstein as the founder and spiritual leader of the entire Democratic Party, Republicans seemed curiously unwillingly to apply similar standards to their own supercreep predator/megadonor/ahem, actual Party Finance Chair, Steve Wynn.
Wynn quietly resigned, but the GOP would very much like to keep his money, thank you. The Republican Governors Association made a hilarious show of giving back…SOME of the money he donated. Not all. Not most. Not, it must be said, even a significant percentage of it. Just…some. I only hope Spielberg lives long enough to immortalize your heroism on film, RGA.
And the Bonespur Buttplug, in a moment that rocked the entire fucking planet, declared he is not a feminist. In related news, I am not a radish.
Nikki Haley got mad at the Grammys for being political rather than just performing for her like trained monkeys. Nobody tell her about Bob Dylan.
Ultimately, Haley’s just pissy because Hillary Clinton’s cameo elicited a cheer her boss couldn’t get outside a Klan rally. At some point, these fucks need to come to terms with the fact that the majority of Americans despise them, and yeah, we got all the artists in the divorce. You’re probably sick of Kid Rock’s B-sides and Scott Baio’s one man show performing all the roles in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, but you should’ve thought of that before signing on to serve these fundamentally indecent fucksticks.
A formerly Fancy and Important Colorado Republican was sentenced for voter fraud, even though he tried whining really hard and blaming diabetes for making him steal his ex-wife’s vote. Personal responsibility for thee, fabricated medical symptoms for me.
Asked in an interview about climate change, Sharty McFly proclaimed that the ice caps are no longer melting, but are “at a record level,” because a witch’s curse dictates that he must tell at least one lie every four hours, or he will turn back into the bullfrog-with-hemorrhoids he actually is.
Golly, there’s a bottleneck at the exit door over in the House of Representatives, with an ever-expanding crowd of some of the shittiest old white dudes in America trying to get out before the Blue Wave washes them…er, flushes them away once and for all.
Add New Jersey’s Rodney Frelinghuysen to the pile of retirees. Rodney’s walking away from the chairmanship of the House Appropriations Committee, the kind of power most politicians only dream of, the kind of power it takes a lifetime to attain.
They fear us SO much, Resisters. And they should. November’s coming, and we all know what’s coming with it.
So, Mark Warner says the Senate Intelligence Committee has received new documents raising new questions and opening new avenues in their Russia investigation, which will perhaps one day lead to exciting new flavors of Skittles and Oreos. Sadly, we cannot see the contents of these documents at this time, because they are classified, and frankly, too sexxxxy for us to handle.
Oh, Senator! Why must you torment us like this? Coquettishly teasing us, like a saucy wench who “accidentally” reveals her ankle with a smile and wink? I want the full monty, Mark! We want to see you in nothing but pasties that have indictments written on them in extremely small print!
Hey, if you need a little pick-me-up in these dark, disturbing times, watch the interview Sean Spicer gave on MSNBC. Craig Melvin sets down a big fat plate of Sean’s own well-documented shit right in front of him, and feeds it to him, spoonful by spoonful. That should happen to Sean Spicer every single day and twice on Sundays.
CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin finally took a little responsibility for the media’s false equivalence during the 2016 campaign, ABOUT FUCKING TIME. Yes, Jeff, all the bullshit “Well, Trump is hella racist and credibly accused of sexual assault by more than a dozen women and unashamedly lies about everything but the REAL STORY is how Hillary Clinton only pretends to like hot sauce to pander to black voters” was super unhelpful. THANKS FOR THE DYSTOPIA.
With a historically loathed President tied to them like a bouquet of anchors, Republicans are desperate to show the electorate they haven’t let the Velveeta Vulgarian change their values. They’re the same backwards puritanical monsters they’ve always been, and that’s why they tried to push their 20-week abortion ban through Congress!
They failed as they knew they would, but they want America to be sure to remember that by gum, they’re the still the party that believes women are almost-but-not-quite people!
Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe resigned, or was forced out, or just got sick of Jeff Sessions stealing his lunch out of the fridge twice a week. Donnie Dotard has been pushing for McCabe’s ouster for months, I guess cuz he’s worried he hasn’t made enough enemies in the intelligence community.
In the wake of McCabe’s departure, NBC regaled us with a charming anecdote of the time the Idiot Manchild, throwing a tantrum because James Comey flew home in an FBI plane after being fired, suggested McCabe ask his loser wife how it felt to be a loser because of that time she lost like a loser. Weird they didn’t get along better.
(Y’know, one of the reasons I look forward to Drumpf’s eventual removal is a fondness for the days when the hierarchy of FBI leadership didn’t take up space in my brain. Worrying about breaking individual links in the chain of command on the way to a full-blown constitutional crisis isn’t as much fun as tracking baseball stats, is all I’m saying.)
You’d be forgiven, by the way, for thinking I got the story about the President’s tantrum wrong, because it wasn’t the only story about the President throwing a tantrum to break today. There weren’t a lot of stories about Barack Obama throwing tantrums, and I don’t think we properly appreciated that about him.
Here’s a fun tidbit! General John Kelly has taken to ending conversations with Justice Department officials with a little admonition to not do anything illegal or unethical. Yup, this is the point in American history we currently occupy; the Chief of Fucking Staff telling his team, “Absolutely no treason, you rapscallions, you!”
The Failing New York Times reports Melania was “blindsinded” upon learning her husband diddled a porn star and gave her a six figure hush money payoff because I guess she’s never actually met Donald Trump because literally no one else alive was even slightly surprised.
Things’re about to get a little dark, folks, so if you need a little more comic relief, why not visit this story of Fugitive Jerkwad Julian Assange trying to leak dirt on Mark Warner to a fake Sean Hannity account?
Today was the big deadline for the Shart Administration to impose new, legally-mandated, sanctions on Russia over that whole interfering-in-our-elections thing, but they decided to just…not.
That’s neat, isn’t it? Congress says “do this,” and the VERY PRESIDENT WHO SIGNED THE BILL INTO LAW just goes…”Nah. Don’t wanna.”
It’s EXTRA fun when the President refuses to protect THE FUCKING COUNTRY HE IS FUCKING PRESIDENT OF from the hostile actions of an adversarial foreign power. Like if Kennedy gave Khrushchev pointers on where to aim those Cuban missiles if he really wanted to fuck shit up.
Well shit, folks. I was working up tonight’s post and generally enjoying myself when the wheels came off the wagon and the wagon knocked over an outhouse and the shit from the outhouse hit the fan. Fuck.
There’s been a lot of news about Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and his “I guess I’ll try nut-punch the entire FBI” memo. Devin’s master plan seems to rest on accusing Rod Rosenstein of improperly seeking an extension of FISA surveillance on Carter Page. CARTER PAGE. You could get a FISA court to approve surveillance on Carter Fucking Page based on some of the interviews that doorknob has given on television.
So tonight, Nunes’ committee voted, along partisan lines, to bend to the will of the Russian Twitter bot network and release his bullshit memo. And NO, Adam Schiff, you can’t release YOUR counter-memo, the whole point of a disinformation campaign is disinformation, DUH, so we can’t have you prancing around with your silly ol’ HONESTY!
Oh, and Devin and his lackeys have opened an investigation into the Department of Justice and the FBI. Based on…nothing, really. Because law enforcement is the President’s enemy, because the President is a criminal. It’s really that simple. That’s why a handful of malicious idiots are trying to tear our democracy’s institutions down.
I guess when confronted with a problem like “What do you when your party’s utterly corrupt leader faces a day of reckoning?” the answer is, “You burn the nation’s law enforcement organizations to the ground and build yourself a throne of bone in the ashes!”
And the State of the Union is tomorrow night? Jesus Fuck. I see the governing party doesn’t have their shit together enough to spell-check their fucking tickets. “Uniom.” For all the respect you bastards have shown it, that sounds about right.
I’m certainly not going. Ruth Bader Ginsburg isn’t either. I bet she’s throwing a kegger. Think she’ll let me in?