Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Things Aren’t Bad Enough, Now We Gotta Talk About Rudy Giuliani’s Ass?
Hello fellow human scum! I hope you’re enjoying being the target of dehumanizing rhetoric from your own government as much as I am! Remember, a Shower Cap Blog a day keeps the stochastic terrorism away!*
Well, Team Treasonweasel’s increasingly-panicked defense to the ballooning Ukraine scandal has been like watching the world’s slowest, shittiest, Whack-a-Mole table, with each new, feeble, excuse getting more or less instantly obliterated by witnesses and journalists and other pesky agents of reality.
“As a known crusader for honest government, President Crotchvoid was only interested in battling corruption in Ukraine, bless his pure heart!” Wow it sure is weird then, that he keeps trying to cut billions in aid for anti-corruption programs targeting foreign nations including (checks notes) Ukraine, don’tcha think?
“W-well…How could there have been quid pro quo when the government of Ukraine didn’t even KNOW that aid had been withh-” Lemme stop you right there, champ, cuz we’ve got documents showing they knew about this fuckery even earlier than we’d previously understood, so I gotta ask, are you planning on reaching all the way up that bull’s small intestine to extract every last fistful of its shit, or can we skip straight to the plea bargain?
Now, when you’re floundering this badly, that’s how you wind up with Masculine Toilet Spokesmoron/My God Actually Attorney General for a Hot Minute Remember That Shit Matt Whitaker screaming ABUSE OF POWER IS NOT A CRIME, which probably not the argument you want batting cleanup in your impeachment trial.
And so Beardless Neckbeard Matt Gaetz gathered unto himself the Shittiest White Dudes in All D.C. and stormed the latest impeachment inquiry interview in the name of Please God Give the Papers Something to Talk About Other Than the President’s Crimes and the Mounting Pile of Evidence Proving Them. The Dumbfuck Brigade even brought unsecured personal cellphones into the SCIF (That’s “Security Counts, you Ignorant Fuckheads”) which is a significant national security breach, but don’t worry, I’m sure the Chinese government hasn’t hacked the personal devices of any of Shart Garfunkel’s favorite pet Congressdolts.
Gaetz likened his sad stunt to film 300. Nah, kid. See, for starters, rather than being in preternaturally good shape, with abs you could use to grate cheese, you’re a doughy white boy in his 30’s, already working a third chin. Besides, people still talk about 300, and as I write this, one short day later, the impeachment inquiry keeps on rollin’, while your self-congratulatory pizza party is totally forgotten. And by the way, little man, if you’re such a big tuff Spartan, why’d you wait until the day Nancy Pelosi was out of town at her brother’s funeral to act up?”
I feel like not enough people are freaking out that Tangerine Idi Amin’s lawyers are unapologetically arguing, in court, that he’s so far above the law that if he literally shot somebody on 5th avenue, the American legal system couldn’t do anything about it except grudgingly concede, “Well, ya got us again, Mr. President! Good luck out on the links this weekend!” You know the minute he gets away with that one, he’s headed straight to Adam Schiff’s office with an axe, right?**
Problem-solving is easy when human life means nothing to you, especially when you have a devoted cult that gleefully swallows every turd, however fetid, that drops from your mouth. And so, faced with a massive mess of his own making in Syria, the Velveeta Vulgarian simply declared victory, lifted all sanctions on the murderous Turkish regime, and patted himself on the back for a job well done. And I don’t want to disagree with Van Jones, but I think the moment when he minimized his contribution to ISIS’ cause, like somehow “only” a hundred or so terrorists escaping because of your bungling incompetence is no big deal, was the moment Weehands McNodick really became President.
But yeah, all sanctions on lifted, in exchange for a “ceasefire” the Turks immediately violated, confident the Shart of the Deal cares more about headlines than allies. So the price for slaughtering America’s bravest, most faithful, friends, is about 80 hours of the lightest imaginable wrist-slapping. “Oh, you want to subject our partners against ISIS to a brutal ethnic cleansing campaign? Welllllll, tell you what, you pay for the pizzas at the next three NATO summits plus you have to watch Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice three times in a row, but go ahead.”
Oh, and Erdoğan actually demanded that the U.S. turn over the Kurds’ military commander! Like, the betrayal wasn’t enough, do our fucking dirty work for us, too. When he gets his official White House visit in a few weeks, he’s gonna walk into the room with Littlefinger on a fucking leash.
Now, the bullshit rationale Strawberry Shartcake offered for selling the Kurds out was something about “bringing the troops home.” However, while he doesn’t care about Kurdish lives, or even the lives of American troops, oil is another matter altogether, and so we’re about to send an EVEN LARGER military force, complete with tanks, BACK INTO SYRIA, yet another front in the forever war. So we’re significantly worse off in the region than before, we’ve lost our closest allies and strengthened our adversaries, and the one measure by which this was supposed to benefit the U.S. has been totally reversed in just a couple weeks. I guess this is just how foreign policy works, here in Shitty Wonderland.
Elijah Cummings became the first African-American lawmaker to lie in state at the Capitol, and today the world paid respects at his funeral. I’m sure you don’t need to be told that the VeryFine Valor Thief couldn’t muster the single ounce of decency required to attend the service; I guess when you’re a white nationalist sociopath, the choice between “Elijah Cummings’ funeral” and “watching TV in a simmering pile of your own filth and resentments,” isn’t a tough one.
Anyway, Obama delivered a moving tribute, as did the Clintons, among others, and it was kinda jarring, frankly, like “oh yeah we used to have presidents who experienced normal human emotions, and could speak in complete sentences, and wow, Barack got though that whole speech without committing any crimes at all, AMAZING!”
And the Candycorn Skidmark bragged about getting his Big Dumb Wall built in the great state of Colorado, which is famous for its majestic mountains, thriving marijuana industry, and lack of border with Mexico. Is there some sort of ritual trial-by-combat I can invoke, to wrestle the presidency out of those tiny, inadequate, hands, only instead of fighting, it’s like, a 3rd grade social studies test?
Senate Republicans are blocking, and President Gas Station Urinal Cake is threatening to veto, election security legislation that would make it harder for foreign countries to fiddle with our elections for fun and profit. I feel like we should send Bill & Ted back to get the Founding Fathers to add some fine print to the Constitution, like “feel free to give that whole ‘Electoral College’ thing another look if it happens to become a tool of tyranny by the minority,” and “criminals installed by hostile foreign powers may not veto election security bills are you fucking insane why does anyone think that’s a good idea?”
Hey, somebody wake Wilbur Ross up, and tell him he’s under investigation for using private e-mail to conduct official government business. Wow. A cabinet secretary using private e-mail? I’m quaking with rage. I mean, we’ve seen some scandals over these last three years, but the media has trained me to believe that this is pretty much the single worst thing a politician can do. Surely this will be front page news over at the New York Times for months to come, and Republicans will call for the prosecution of Ross, and everyone he’s worked with, right on down to the interns who nudge him when he nods off during Cabinet meetings…right?
So, Kellyanne Conway threatened a reporter. We know this, because there’s a recording of Kellyanne Conway threatening the reporter. And because she is Kellyanne Conway, she responded not by apologizing, but by claiming she didn’t threaten the reporter the whole world heard her threaten, because I guess words have alternative definitions now. It must be liberating, when you get to the point where no one expects anything you say to make sense.
Redactor General William Barr’s Inspector-Gadget-But-More-Fascist inquiry into the origins of the Russia probe, which is, again, based on lunatic conspiracy theories picked out of Sean Hannity’s post-meth-binge vomit, is now apparently a criminal inquiry. What are the alleged crimes? Oh, we’ll decide that later, after the show trials and executions, don’t be silly. Why, precisely, we’re trying to discredit an investigation that revealed details of a foreign attack on our country is a question for another day.
Speaking of foreign election meddling, Tulsi Gabbard announced she will not be seeking re-election to her House seat, so that she can spend more time bashing Democrats on Carlson and Hannity because she’s totally seeking the Dem presidential nomination and not engaged in a pro-Trump rat-fucking op designed to peel off juuuuuust enough Rust Belt voters to swing the electoral college again. (I generally try to avoid attacking Democrats in this blog, and I don’t believe I’m doing that here. GET IT?)
Betsy DeVos has been held in contempt of court, because she just couldn’t stop herself from oppressing the serf class on behalf of her crooked oligarch chums in the for-profit “education” sector, even though she had been specifically ordered to cut that shit out. Isn’t it fun to live a country where the lady who owns ten yachts and still won’t stop stealing money from working people isn’t even one of the top three most horrifying cabinet secretaries?
Not with Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo around, anyway. Mike didn’t really make any major news this week, but I wanted to make sure you saw this op-ed from my old hometown paper, you’ll dig it.
John Bolton, genocidal mustache dripping with spittle and gore of unknown origins, is negotiating with the impeachment inquiry about maybe giving a little deposition. Now, Johnboy’s whole worldview has been shaken by his former employer, who has managed to launch a bloody Middle East war, which is usually Bolton’s most favoritest thing in the whole wide world, but dammit, he’s doing it wrong! And so, like sneaking a couple of rabbit turds into the chocolate chip cookie batter, Wee Don is ruining the one thing Bolton has unconditionally loved his entire life, and thus, his vengeance will be swift. Or not. I’m not counting on John Fucking Bolton for SHIT, y’all, he’s a fucking dirtbag.
Facing criticism for their role as chief dispenser of the disinformation poison currently fucking up all human civilization, the nihilist nerd capitalists over at Facebook have decided to place fucking Breitbart, aka the Digital Equivalent of a Klan Pamphlet Left in a Porta Potty at a Toby Keith Concert, on a list of “trusted” news sources. One of the truly catastrophic accidents of human history was the unexpected installation of a sexually-frustrated manchild with no qualifications or moral compass as the planet’s leading media gatekeeper. Hope humanity survives the fallout.
Meanwhile, Fat Q*Bert continues to absolutely trounce the predecessor he so despises, in metrics such as Days Golfed, Acts of Terror Inspired, and yes, Deficits Exploded. 984 BILLION? Jesus fuck, Dotard! “Elect a businessman president,” they said. “It’ll be great for the economy,” they said.
And the Farthuffin’ Fascist spoke at historically black Benedict College in Columbia, South Carolina, which may seem like a highly out-of-character venture outside the safe spaces to which he usually restricts his visits, until you learn that the Shart House controlled the guest list, and only seven students were actually allowed to attend. See, we’re “human scum,” and all, but he’s also piss-his-pants terrified of being in a room that isn’t it overwhelmingly dominated by his supporters.
You know you’re in trouble when your own long-suffering ass turns on you, and that’s how far America’s Most Treasonous Cousin-Fucker has fallen. Hey, if you think it’s funny that Rudy Giuliani butt-dialed a reporter, you’ll laugh YOUR ass off when he dies in federal prison. It’s ok, Roo-Roo, I’m sure they’re blowing up your buddies’ safes just to prove how super-duper-innocent you are.
A federal judge ruled that Do”J” must turn over grand jury materials from the Mueller investigation to House Democrats, a blow to the administration, which would much rather keep the evidence of their crimes secret, so as to avoid consequences, thank you very much. This comes just days after a different court ruled the State Department must turn over documents relating to Rudy’s Excellent/Treasonous Ukraine Adventure, so I guess even Mitch McConnell isn’t stacking the federal bench quick enough to keep his Turd Emperor out of trouble. Good.
Ok, that’s enough. I’m gonna go ahead and drink until I stop thinking about Rudy Giuliani’s ass. I deserve that much.
*Shower Cap’s Blog possesses no anti-terrorism properties whatsoever. Side-effects of Shower Cap’s Blog may include dizziness, nausea, and screaming WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY COUNTRY so loud that the neighbors call the police.
**It would have to be an axe with a special grip so his wee hands could hold it, but still.