Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
I Think My Mall Santa was Bannon on the Lam, and Other Ho-Ho-Horrible News
The weather outside is frightful. And SO IS THE FUCKING NEWS! You thought you were getting carols? We’re fresh outta carols. What we have is MADNESS, and we’ve got it oozing from every orifice. Sing about THAT.
How are you celebrating the holiday season, Resisters? The Dickens villains ruining our country are marking the season of love and brotherhood by sprinkling a little fresh fear and hatred on immigration detention policy!
Yes, Stephen Miller strapped on his red Grand Wizard’s robes, climbed down the chimney in ICE headquarters and said, “HO, HO, HO! LET’S SEPARATE CHILDREN FROM THEIR FAMILIES IF WE CATCH THEM AT THE BORDER!”
“Now that I have your attention, gentleman,” continued Miller, who at this point was observed to be wearing not a fake Santa beard, but rather a beard-like coating of rage spittle coating the lower half of his face, “I’d like to share my plan to KILL THE BATMAN.”
Getting back to the demonic inhumanity of Drumpf’s immigration team, have you met Office of Refugee Resettlement Director Scott Lloyd? This power-mad theocrat told an undocumented teenager in federal custody that just because she was raped that didn’t mean she could get the abortion she had the legal right to, because White Daddy Knows Best and if you wanted control of your own body, you shouldn’t have come to Land of the Free.
Fortunately, Lloyd was thwarted in his quest to make his own little corner of the world just a weeeeee bit more fascist, but Jesus Fuck, we need to get these creeps out of office.
‘Memeber when Nikki Haley threatened literally the entire world? “If you vote against us on this Jerusalem thing…oooooooooooo you’ll be sorry!” bellowed the Ambassador, and the world responded with one voice…or perhaps more accurately, with one middle finger, “Nah.”
Well, Nikki’s vengeance was swift and merciless! She threw a Friendship Party for herself and the seven countries swayed by her fearsome tirade! Anyway, Nauru got hammered and kept trying to maneuver Honduras under the mistletoe, and Togo threw up in the nog bowl, so it really wasn’t much of a party.
Dr. Seuss’s new book, Former Judge Moore, Will You Please Go Now! hit the stands this week, but PedoRoy continues to lurk, refusing to concede and helpfully offering to sign yearbooks for any child who wanders too close to his unmarked van.
Anyway, as he’s being dragged offstage, hopefully for good this time, Alabama’s Most Famous Child Molester is throwing one last tantrum, about Muslims and African-Americans being allowed to vote because of those foolheaded post-Bill o’ Rights amendments, and also that Doug Jones has a gay son. Just droppin’ a little hatred on the way out, like a drunk who shits on the floor of the bar when the bouncer tells him it’s time to go home.
In the aftermath of Moore’s defenestration, the rube-exploiting fiends over at Breitbart were all, “Yeah, we believed Roy’s accusers, but we smeared them as liars anyway, because if we start holding politicians responsible for sexual assault, our Melting Sherbet God Emperor will get in trouble,” which is so cynically evil it’d make a unicorn pony cry
Tom Hanks said he wouldn’t screen his new movie for the Sunny D-Bag, because off all the racist/fascist douchebaggery, and also Hanks imagines Trump smells like hair tonic and failure. You sort of expect the Ghost of Jimmy Stewart to show up at Marm-a-Lago to give the President a wedgie while he putts.
Former CongressDolt/Current Ambassador to the Netherlands Pete Hoekstra got himself so thoroughly owned by a Dutch journalist that he’s working as the dude’s butler now.
Your new hero is reporter Wouter Zwart, who was all, “Hey asshole. Why’d you say that one super racist thing you said?” And Petey was all “That is FAKE NEWS and you should feel bad,” and then Wouter went, “Here’s video of you saying the thing you just said you never said, ARE THOSE APPLES TO YOUR SATISFACTION?” And Pete-O said “I actually never lied about lying this particular lie,” because he doesn’t understand what cameras do, I guess.
Cornered and humiliated, Hoekstra finally waved his hand across the reporter’s face, feebly suggested that These Are Not the Droids You’re Looking For, and scampered away, weeping.
Vanity Fair? MORE LIKE BANNITY FAIR, RIGHT?
Yes, that Pockmarked Prince of Put-on Populism, America’s Gin-Sweating Sweetheart himself, Steve Bannon, gave a little interview. He’s curiously cocky for a guy who just lost the Republican Party a Senate seat an Ala-frickin’-Bama, which is super-cute. He’s like one of those baby demogorgans in Stranger Things 2, screeching at you from a corner…only drunker.
Bannon vomits up some bile in Jared and Ivanka’s direction, and even says a few mean things about Boss Shart himself. There’s even speculation that he’ll run for President himself, presumably on a Livers Are For Cucks platform.
Mitch McConnell had himself a haughty, guttural, laugh at Darth Wino’s expense. “That Steve Bannon, he lost in Alabama, he sure is a political fool,” Yertle croaked, while gazing lovingly at the historically unpopular tax bill he just passed, the one that’s about to destroy his party’s congressional majorities. Glass houses, Turtle Boy.
Six inauguration protesters were acquitted of all charges, YAY!
The government was trying to convict them on the grounds that anyone and everyone who attends a protest where property is damaged is legally responsible for that damage, a genuinely horrifying assault on speech rights. NOT YAY!
The President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, took a big stack of DoJ regulations designed to protect marginalized Americans, pissed on them with his tiny, misshapen elf dick, and laughed at having achieved another victory for his people, the White and Mediocre.
Ol’ Beau was particularly giddy to be rid of the post-Ferguson guidance that low-income Americans shouldn’t be burdened with crushing and illegal court fees, a practice which has targeted African-American communities. “Well shucks, y’all. If the American legal system isn’t gonna keep minorities trapped in a cycle of poverty and imprisonment, why even bother havin’ laws atawwwwwl?” Jefferson pondered, before injecting a mint julep directly into his eyeball.
Dutiful Oligarch Sycophant Mick Mulvaney seems to have taken the “Consumer Protection” out of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Since Scott Pruitt removed “Environmental Protection” from the EPA, Jeff Sessions put an asterisk next to the J in DoJ, and Betsy DeVos makes daily mockery of the “Education” in the Education Department, maybe Mick just gave in to peer pressure.
…or maybe he’s just an asshole. That’s prolly it.
Y’know, some folks claim the President is a raving egomaniac. But I ask you, friends, would a raving egomaniac replace the nation’s motto, E pluribus unum, with the shitty made-in-China ballcap slogan he’s personally trademarked, on the Presidential challenge coin?
…oh yeah. That’s exactly what a raving egomaniac would do. Well, at least Donnie Two-Scoops’ coin is precisely as classy as the man himself.
Corey Lewandowski, having surveyed the rapidly shifting sexual harassment landscape, seems to concluded “What women want most is for Corey Lewandowski to slap their ass, but they’re probably just too shy and intimidated by my grandeur to ask. Thus shall I slap asses…unbidden!”
Somehow, SHARTUS is still consulting this Neanderthal goon for political advice, as he gazes in terror towards the coming midterm blowout that will replace his craven enablers with shitkicking Democrats. (With subpoena powers!)
The Failing New York Times gave us a behind-the-scenes peek at just how much Tangerine Idi Amin loathes non-white people (SPOILERZ: It’s a whole fuckin’ lot) and how angry it makes him that they are allowed to exist, in America, despite their appalling lack of whiteness.
He’s also quoted saying some super-racist shit. Like, shockingly racist even after a whole fucking year of this cheap Ku Klux Klown shitting directly into our brains. So yeah, that’s pretty fucking racist. And of course, Sarah Sanders denies he said anything of the kind. I imagine that denial will hurt Drumpf with his base.
Speaking of white supremacist dirtbags, I see KKKris KKKobach got cucked by a judge who says he has to share documents from his Kooky Kulling Kommission with…the Democrat that serves on it! That’s right, KKKris wanted the appearance of a bipartisan commission, but without actually letting the Democrat participate, or even read about whatever fuckery the rest of them were perpetrating. Still, I’m sure their intentions are pure.
Government Cheese Goebbels celebrated his long holiday weekend by attacking the credibility of the FBI and some of its most respected senior officials. That this comes days after retiring Deputy Director McCabe testified to the House Intelligence Committee that he can corroborate the shit out of Jazzy Jim Comey’s claims that Shartboy wanted a loyalty oath, is, I’m sure, the zaniest of coincidences. It’s a freakin’ Owen Wilson flick in here.
Hey, it’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk! Bill, you probably don’t have anything for us this week, the country’s so overwhelmed with holiday cheer!
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: That’s frighteningly naive, Cap!
Hah! Yes it is. Well, lay it on us, Bill.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Cap, it seems a couple of concerned parents had to stage an intervention for their daughter…when it turned out she was dating a Neo-Nazi.
Oh hell, that IS awful. Only in –
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I’m not finished. The Nazi kid didn’t like having his relationship broken up, so he shot both the parents to death.
I…holy FUCK, bill, that…that’s….
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Hey, I asked to take this week off.
I see Santa sent Secretary Mnuchin a great big box of actual horseshit! This is newsworthy only in that it’s surprising that this sort of thing hasn’t happened more. Any time any animal takes a shit anywhere in America, that turd should be immediately boxed and mailed to one of the creeps in the Cabinet.
There should be a subscription box service to ship every American litter box directly to the Oval Office three times a week. Somebody get on that. That’s what I want for Xmas.
Anyway, Smallhands Magoo has retreated to his chintzy golf course, perhaps giving himself an Xmas bonus in the form of raising the golf cart rental fees on the Secret Service, and congratulated his oligarch buddies on how much richer he’d just made them.
Hey, if you happen to be one of the rubes who still believes this crotch fungus cares about working people, I’d really like to discuss some real estate opportunities with you. Hit me up in the comments.
And with that, I leave you to your holidays, my friends. Next year, let’s all chip in and get ourselves an early present: a brand-spankin’-new Congress! VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!