Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Thirty Two Short Films About Confederate Monuments
Shit, even I can’t tell the difference between this blog and the last one anymore. I feel like “instead of fighting the coronavirus, President Crotchrot opted to unleash a racist tirade reminiscent of that one time Grandad got your whole family banned from Denny’s for life” would pretty much cover the major headlines from any given day these last few weeks. Well, let’s dive in anyhow, who knows what fresh hells await us…
This might seem like a weird question, but of my audience…how many of y’all are Confederate monuments? I only ask because the current sitting President’s re-election campaign seems to be laser-focused on your needs, and curiously uninterested in the affairs of the living (chump) humans who’re dying of COVID-19 by the tens of thousands.
Maybe we should start thinking strategically here. Maybe instead of tearing these statues down, we should USE them. Y’know, install a hidden speaker, hook it up to a recording that goes “I’m Nathan Bedford Forrest, and I think we should FUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD!” Make Doc Dotard’s latest delusional obsession work for us, see?
Facing the sort of polling that makes you hope, for Mark Meadows’ sake, that the West Wing stocked up on adult diapers before the pandemic hit, Tangerine Idi Amin spent Independence Day weekend skulking around the country, periodically delivering long, boring, hate-drenched teleprompter speeches about…fuck, I can’t pay attention when he drones on and on like that, about whatever fabricated horrors he wants his idiot base to fear and loathe this week. One of them was apparently at Mount Rushmore. Whatever.
As these speeches demonstrate, Stephen Miller’s ongoing attempts to be uplifting and inspiring are going about as well as you’d expect, considering his soul is made of chewed gum and the concentrated self-loathing of every subpar white dude in American history. You wouldn’t hire Seb Gorka to adapt Mr. Smith Goes to Washington into a musical, is all I’m saying.
Anyway, if America really is as shitty as the apocalyptic hellscape you’re so desperate to paint, why the FUCK would we re-elect the incompetent crotch sniffers who haven’t done anything about it after three years in power? AMERICAN CARNAGE PART DEUX: Still Completely Fucked, Better Hire Me to Golf Some More.
I see Son of Shart’s grifter girlfriend has acquired more cooties than even the first part of this sentence would imply, somehow catching the ‘rona despite brainlessly flaunting CDC recommendations and engaging in what’s widely understood to be high-risk behavior OH GOD HOW COULD SUCH A THING HAPPEN. Amazingly, neither this infection nor any of the others that’ve popped up around Team Turdworm’s stubbornly maskless events have caused any slight turn towards safer behavior, because the plan is still to trick people into forgetting about COVID by…catching COVID I guess; look, if you want things to make sense read a fucking novel.
Fuck Kanye West, not for “running for President,” which is he is absolutely not doing, but for tweeting that he was running for President, launching ten thousand of the dumbest think pieces in the history of the movement that’s slowly, steadily replacing journalism with hackery and hawt takes, oh surely you’re exaggerating Cap it’s not like a chronically mediocre inanity geyser like Chris Cillizza is one of the media’s highest-paid figures or anything OH WAIT.
I see Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn celebrated his successful perversion of the American justice system by pledging allegiance to the dangerous, y’all-don’t-even-VISIT-reality-anymore-do-ya? QAnon movement, which is…I mean, we get some pretty zany news ‘round these parts, but let’s back up for a minute and acknowledge how insane this is. Dude was the NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR. Maybe the biggest scandal in a life that’s basically a scandal sandwich using two slices of scandal for bread is that a drooling maniac like this was ever entrusted with any classified intelligence at all, let alone hired by a know-nothing novice to run the entire national security apparatus for him. Holy fuckballs.
Alas, we have been thwarted by the clever propagandists at Fux Nooz yet again, comrades! In cropping the leering image of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops out of a photograph with Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, they have forever destroyed any connection between the world’s two most famous sexual abusers in the public mind! These masters of disinformation certainly didn’t draw exponentially more attention to the Trump-Epstein connection with their clumsy stunt, and now the truth is fore’er lost. Leaving Melania in the picture was a particular stroke of genius, because…um…becaaaauuuuuuuuse LOOK, A SQUIRREL! (scampers away.)
Hey, if Shart Garfunkel can change the subject by talking about flags and statues, so can I.
Seriously, tracking Gameshow Goebbels’ words and actions, you’d never know there was a pandemic, or a massive nationwide movement against institutional racism and police violence, or an economic crisis featuring unemployment numbers unseen since the Great Depression; no, you could be forgiven for thinking there just isn’t much on America’s mind these days beyond a Capra-esque nostalgia for treasonous losers and the emblems that commemorate them.
Which would explain why the Adderall-Addled Assclown is spending his time attacking NASCAR from the right on the Confederate Flag. Now, I knew I’d write some weird shit when I started this blog, but that last sentence is melting my damn brain.
Anyhoo, the idea seems to be that voters will forget about the fact that they can’t go to a movie or a restaurant without risking their lives and instead percolate in rage that folks’re tearing down monuments to a defeated army that waged war on the United States. Now, this is the fruit of very same brain that installed Ben Carson at HUD, so we’re actually seeing a fairly consistent level of problem-solving prowess here.
South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem certainly seems happy to sing from whatever hymnal her Turd Emperor drops in front of her, dutifully bellowing some tortured horseshit about how taking down these statues somehow “discredits” the nation’s “founding principles,” apparently in some Super Secret Extra-Discredit-y Way that’s even worse than (checks notes) treasonously taking up arms against the nation and its principles, and ultimately getting your ass absolutely fucking BEAT.
Still, let it not be said that Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s reality-challenged messaging isn’t trickling down to the freedumb-crazed mob; how else do you explain the doofus militia that showed up to an obviously phony flag-burning jamboree at Gettysburg, ready to do battle with the Still Fictitious Antifa Hordes That Never Show Up Because They Don’t Exist. Folks, if it ever does come to civil war, I feel like we’ll be able to take care of these guys with a couple of phony Facebook groups and one cartoonishly large sheet of flypaper.
Moving on, the…oh good gravy, another one? Apologies for the repetitiveness of tonight’s post, but I guess we’re not quite done talking about statues yet. The Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus sent out a fundraising email vowing to protect the famous Cristo Redentor statue…in Brazil, which is where it…y’know, IS. Antifa was totally gonna fuck that shit up on our big spring break trip, and when I find out who leaked this, you’re officially uninvited to Operation: Jade Helm 2, when we’re gonna break into Mark and Patricia McCloskey’s house and rub our genitals all over every inch of the place.
I see the ICEstapo have seized upon the coronavirus crisis to further their state-sponsored terror campaign, threatening to deport any international students whose universities switch to online-only classes. It’s fucking White Nationalist Calvinball with these creeps, next week it’ll be “you’re gone if your favorite Ninja Turtle is Raphael.”
Well, we’re finally getting a little transparency on the PPP loans, aka the slop trough the Eat Shit Plebs Administration set out for their plutocrat chums, and it looks like all the leading hogs got their fill; the Daily Caller, various associates of the Kushner family and other powerful Republicrooks, even principled opponents of government handouts like Grover Norquist, and, tee fucking hee, the Ayn Rand Institute. Hey, if anybody out there still imagines conservatives hold any beliefs beyond seizing power for its own sake, I’d give you a hug, but it’s not safe.
Brazilian President’s Jair Bolsanaro’s campaign to intimidate COVID-19 into submission with dumbfuck braggadocio has been going pretty fucking badly for his constituents so far, and now he’s caught the little fucker himself. Good. Hope it really fucking sucks, Jair. Hope your dick falls right off. (I’m not a doctor, is that a symptom? It should be, if only in this one case.) It’s tempting to believe the virus targeted Bolsanaro to punish him for his reckless arrogance, but the truth is, it’s just a virus doing virus things, merrily leaping to any available host too stupid/macho to wear a fucking mask.
Days after the Russian bounties scandal broke, the Velveeta Vulgarian is finally furious…that the public learned about it! Yes, the hunt is on for the patriots who leaked word of the President’s treachery to the American people, but of course we can’t interrupt the weekly golf vacations long enough to get a quick “Hey Vlad, stop paying terrorists to murder our troops” out of the doddering old buttpimple.
Well, the early snippets from Mary Trump’s book have arrived, and the new stories all seem very in-character for the narcissistic rage beast who has been vomiting poison into all our minds these last four years. Paid somebody to take his SATs for him? Yeah, that sounds about right. Honestly I’d be more surprised to learn he ever accomplished anything on his own. Think about it, what little shit he actually does for himself these days…tying his necktie, speaking English, drinking water…he’s not any good at anything, is he?
Georgia Senator/Pandemic Profiteer Kelly Loeffler, who co-owns the WNBA’s Atlanta Dream, (apparently as a sort of hobby, to help her unwind from all the insider trading and white-supremacy-preserving work she does at her day job) tried to talk the league into backtracking on their decision to allow players to wear warm-up jerseys with the phrase “Black Lives Matter,” because she’s got a tough primary coming up against mouth-breathing wingnut Doug Collins, and golly, won’t watching those two human skidmarks try to out-racist one another be a show? Barf.
And I see the Shart Administration’s withdrawal of the US from the World Health Organization is official now, which is fitting, I suppose, since our government no longer believes in health, the world, or organization.
Statues and hatred, hatred and statues, blah blah blah blah blah. I’m gonna do the next blog early, Mad Libs-style, just to save time. (Presidential nickname) rage-tweeted at (Black celebrity athlete) for supporting the removal of a statue of (dead fascist loser). Actually, that should carry us into at least August with minimal effort. More drinking time. Anyhow, stay safe, you.