Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
This Memorial Day, Your President Encourages You to Throw All That’s Good and Decent About America on the Grill, and Light that Fucker Up!
I think we need to give even more thanks than usual to our fallen military heroes this particular Memorial Day, since many of them are surely a little restless in the afterlife tonight, wondering, “Wait, I died so this Bloated Tick Grifter could assault the rule of law between rounds of golf on the taxpayer dime? Can I get a refund?”
(Naturally, the Bonespur Buttplug marked the occasion by praising…himself. General Kelly surely smiled a little smile when he saw that Tweet, thinking of how he almost told his boss not to say anything self-aggrandizing on the one day we set aside to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country, but figured “Oh, don’t be silly, John! Not even Donald could be THAT clueless and tone deaf!” He then returned to the task of cutting the President’s overdone steak into chewable bites in preparation for their dinner meeting.)
Let’s take a good hard look at this country that so many millions have died to preserve, shall we? We’re tearing families at the part at the border now! We’re shipping children to detention centers! We’ve got a prison bus for babies!
And the government even lost track of nearly 1,500 immigrant children, how about that? (Now, these aren’t the same kids who’re being ripped away from their parents. These are kids who show up at the border without a guardian. You need to keep your atrocities straight in 2018.) Some have even been delivered, by a racist, criminally-negligent, U.S. government, directly into the hands of human traffickers.
Can you imagine? Employees of a branch of HHS, paid by your tax dollars and mine, so careless, so lazy, so who-gives-a-shit-it’s-just-a-brown-kid, that they’re allowing, no wait, that’s not right…that they’re FACILITATING this sort of evil? “Here’s your child slave, sir. Thanks for using the United States’ immigration system! MAGA!”
And Rick Santorum, that Christly fellow, said, “Whaaaaaaat? We lose people all the time! What’s the big deal? I lost my keys just the other day!” and then presumably went about the rest of his day in typical Rick Santorum fashion, blissfully unaware of his own casual monstrousness, in fact likely congratulating himself on his personal moral infallibility, while smugly fantasizing about all those liberal pundits who regularly humiliate him on CNN burning forever in the Pit.
I tell you what, folks, Jesus is gonna come back any day now. He’s gonna walk, slowly but purposefully, directly up to Rick Santorum, slap him like Batman slaps Robin in that meme, then walk away forever.
Somehow, despite this avalanche of news so appalling it makes you ashamed to be American, the Grand Wizard Grifter is pissed off because we’re not hurting ENOUGH immigrants. Yes, he’s still bellowing at Kirstjen Nielsen for not laying a minefield along the border or something. (Oh, and that article is seasoned with a little anecdote where Fuck-O makes some shitty racist gags to the delight of Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller. But don’t call any of them bigots, right?)
Miller’s fingerprints were all over the white nationalist liefest (or “demonstrable falsehoodfest,” if you’re Maggie Haberman) Sharty McFly delivered at the Naval Academy graduation ceremony. Still, you almost have to laugh, cuz when he says “our ancestors tamed a continent,” he means “my daddy bailed me out of bankruptcy.”
Putin’s favorite CongressStooge Dana Rohrabacher wants to remind everyone who’s dehumanizing brown people to set aside a corner in their hate-shriveled heart to dehumanize LGBT people. Dana lost a big endorsement when he insisted on the Right to Refuse to Sell Your House to Anyone who Makes the Beast with Two Backs Out of Two Beasts of the Same Gender, because he’s an absolute dirtbag, but let’s give a good sturdy huzzah to the National Association of Realtors for standing up for decency.
Another one of those Shady Meetings Between Russian Muckety-Mucks and High-Level Trumpkins, popped up, this time featuring Kremlin-connected oligarch Viktor Vekselberg (I shoulda bought a scorecard, but I only had enough cash to get one of those sundaes that comes in a little baseball helmet) and the Sensei of Sez-Hoo, Michael Cohen.
Anyway, I’m sure this shady meeting is finally the very last of the shady meetings, and not one of the money launderers or influence peddlers or debt-ridden real estate frauds has anything whatsoever left to hide. BREAKING: Ex-KGB Officer Discovered Living in D.C. as Jeff Sessions’ Roommate! “Ah thawt th’top bunk wuz empty!” protests the Attorney General.
New York CongressDope Peter King sees Nazism in the NFL’s kneeling controversy! Not on the part of the league imposing fines in an attempt to stamp out their employees’ ability to exercise their rights to speech and protest, but to those players who silently kneel to suggest to America that hey, we think Black Lives Matter, and maybe you should too, JUST LIKE HITLER.
Your Desperately-Needed Morsel of Actual Good News for the Day? The good people of Ireland voted overwhelmingly to repeal their constitution’s abortion ban! Hooray for progress but Jesus Fuck I had to cross the entire Atlantic to scrounge up something to smile about and BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED.
Anyway. Back to the shit.
The Man with Phalangeal Stunting issued an executive order making it easier to fire federal workers. Under the new rules, a squad of hooded inquisitors appointed by Steve Mnuchin will be empowered to travel from department to department, pointing randomly at employees and shrieking “I saw Goody (insert employee’s name here) with the Deep State,” and the employee will be fired and/or hanged and/or burned and/or that awesome “more weight” Giles Corey thing.
Frankly I think every worker should be held to the Scott Pruitt standard. Until you’ve had at least a dozen front-page scandals, your job should be secure. If that Leo-melting-down-in-Act-3-of-The-Aviator-level paranoid loon is allowed to blow $3.5 million on security in just one year (because he needs to be protected from mustachioed caricatures, apparently), let’s just say I have my doubts about the sincerity of this corner-cutting fever.
Ok. So, Spanish police gave the FBI recordings of some wiretapped conversations between a Russian money launderer and Alexander Torshin, who is heavily connected to both Putin AND the NRA, so this dude is basically a Bond villain, right? Does he have some sort of trademark facial deformity, or maybe a prosthetic thumb that conceals a polonium-210 dart?
While Twitter-ranting about how the portions at Boston Market have gotten smaller or how James Comey broadcasts showtune karaoke directly into the fillings of his teeth or some shit, the Candycorn Skidmark offhandedly proclaimed that a certain official who gave a certain quote to the press…simply does not exist. Now, said official indeed does exist, his name is Matt Pottinger, he has a lovely collection of Precious Moments figurines, and of course there’s a recording of him not only existing but saying the very thing the President insists he didn’t.
….or so the D.C. press corps would have you believe! I think it’s a mistake to overlook the very real possibility that the Shart House is staffed by ghoooooooooooooooooosts.*
Princess Ivanka will be campaigning for Devin Nunes, shooting for the Guinness World Record for “Shittiest Team-Up in Human History.” Is there really a voter in the California 22nd, or anywhere on Earth, who’s still on the fence about that treasonous Fucker of Pigs, but might decide to vote for him because a shoe design thief told him to? And if so, can I taint-punt him straight to the moon?
Speaking of Daddy’s Little Scammer, the Chinese government granted Ivanka a bunch of shiny new trademarks, lucky girl! Dad gets half a billion in loans, Junior and Eric get a neapolitan ice cream sandwich to split (as usual, determining which brother would get the half with the chocolate came to fisticuffs. Well, slapticuffs, anyhow), and the Chinese government gets the American President working to eliminate penalties on a Chinese company that violated American sanctions! Everybody wins!
…except the United States of America and the American people, who are apparently not part of this transaction at all.
So the Shart House staff has dwindled down to a handful of the most desperate and reprehensible crotchboils on the planet, and according to Axios, they seem to spend most of their time screeching “You’re the leaker!” “No, YOU’RE the leaker!” at one another, presumably while literally gnawing on their co-workers’ backs. We know this, BECAUSE IT LEAKED, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAH!
Fuck it, says I; let’s go full Hunger Games with these assclowns. Turn ‘em loose in a field full of hammers and staple guns, till there’s only one left standing, leaking his own crazed mutterings to any reporter still willing to listen, just an Unnamed High Level Official Caked in the Blood and Gore of His Fellow Unnamed High Level Officials.
Omnipresent in the background of all this delirium is Rudolph Giuliani, who pops up on teevee periodically to spew more of his trademark scattered hateblather. From manic ravings about “Korean perjury” to openly admitting the Velveeta Vulgarian’s “Spygate” nonsense is nothing but a cynical PR ploy to rile the frothier elements of Cult45 up into a mob that’ll side with a cheap crook against their own country’s law enforcement community, maybe even march on the FBI when the indictments finally come down and yes he’s invested in a company that produces pitchforks and torches why do you ask?
Word is, Rudy’s working for the Poo Mistake for free. Heh. So did Paul Manafort. You get what you pay for, Turdmuffins…you get what you pay for.
For what it’s worth, when they announced Rudy’s birthday at Yankee stadium this afternoon, he got booed like a whole army of David Ortizes. If the Resistance has spread even to the bleachers, we’re gonna do alright this November.
Ok, Shower Captives. I’m gonna try to get a little grilling in while the sun’s still out. I’ll leave you with the following headline, which, from a satirical standpoint, I simply cannot improve upon: “White nationalist David Duke says he’ll sue Donald Trump for stealing his ‘build the wall’ chant unless Trump delivers”
*Well. Men in white sheets, anyway.