Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
This Rosenstein-Kavanaugh Overdrive Concert Sucks. I Want to Go Home.
Fuck, y’all. I am no longer equal to this moment. Today cries out for a monologue from Howard Beale, but like, a sweaty, WWF-style ‘roid rage Howard Beale, screaming “I’m as mad as hell, and I’LL SEE YOU INSIDE A STEEL CAGE AT SUMMERSLAM!!!!
We were given terrifying insight into the raw, unfiltered, dumbassery of the conservative elite, as some purported intellectual heavyweight called Ed Whelan confidentially declared he’d conclusively debunked the sexual assault allegations against that snooty Kavanaugh fellah, only to unveil a humiliatingly ridiculous conspiracy theory via tweetstorm, executed with all the logical rigor of a toddler trying to frame the family dog for a broken vase.
The whole spiel was that there was another DUDE in Kavanaugh’s general vicinity, who also lived in a HOUSE with STAIRS and BEDROOMS and that it was therefore that dude who assaulted Christine Blasey Ford, who is confused because BROADS, AMIRIGHT?
Kavanaugh took his own feeble stab at debunking, offering up what he claims is a comprehensive calendar of his totally normal teen boyhood from 1982, which definitely shows no sexual assault parties, CASE CLOSED. Now, Kavanaugh has boasted of substantial binge-drinking in high school…all that is dutifully recorded in your Alibi Calendar, right, Brett? …Brett?
Another crotch punt for the guy who richly deserves a lifetime filled with nothing but crotch punts, Mr. Alex Jones. Add PayPal to the list of companies refusing to do business with his revolting, Sandy-Hook-parents-terrorizing ass. He’ll be trying to glom onto some kid’s lemonade stand before long.
Former Shart aide Jason Miller, who always struck me as the grossest dude in that gaggle of extremely gross dudes, is accused of getting a stripper pregnant, and then SPIKING HER SMOOTHIE WITH AN ABORTION DRUG because FAMILY VALUES, MOTHERFUCKERS! Somebody send me a whole fuckin’ pile of televangelists to hector me about how this cabal of thieves and pedophiles and rapists are the Holiest of Holies, while the rest of us are bound for Hell because we want gay folks to have cake or some shit. Come at me, you big fat phonies, I’m REALLY in the mood for it tonight.
Spiking a woman’s drink with an abortion drug. Where do they find these people, the John Wayne Gacy fan club? Someday we’re gonna find out that Seb Gorka orders custom toothpicks made from human femurs, and Corey Lewandowski celebrates his birthdays by drowning kittens, and we’ll just go, “Yeah, that sounds about right.”
Like, is there some sort of secret Who Can Be the Biggest, Smelliest, Most Hateful, Festering Asshole in the GOP contest going on? There almost HAS to be. It’s the only logical explanation for some of this behavior. Makes sense, in a way…Tangerine Idi Amin ran on hate, and beat everybody from Paul to Pataki. Maybe that’s the new calculus. “Hey, we’re the Party of Assholes now, and I WILL BE THE HAIRIEST ASSHOLE OF ALL!”
Ted Cruz starts with an unfair advantage here, but he seems to be leaving nothing to chance. Earth’s Most Punchable Man couldn’t even handle the traditional “Hey, just for shits n’ giggles, say something nice about your oppoent” moment in his debate with Beto O’Rourke without coming off like the smug, sneering, bully who thinks he can get away with stealing your bike because his dad is your dad’s boss.
Seriously, how does Ted Cruz manage to walk down the street without just getting punched by everyone who gets a good look at him? HE’S SO PUNCHABLE. He’s like Charmin, but with punching instead of squeezing.
Don’t sleep on Arizona CongressJerk Paul Gosar, though, as he’s apparently such an unbearable taintfungus that six of his siblings cut an ad for his opponent. Bookmark that ad, by the way, for the dark days ahead. Think of it as chicken soup for the Resister’s soul.
Of course the biggest assholes are the white nationalists in the Shart Administration, issuing heartless new immigration rules, the latest salvo in the ongoing effort to hurt brown people while keeping America as Caucasian as possible, and really giving Stephen Miller’s ever-expanding bald spot room to grow wild and free. Like The Blob. One day that bald spot will devour the entire fucking world, mark my words.
KT McFarland popped up again, I thought they wrote her off the show? Anyhow, I guess she “walked back” a lie she found herself trapped in by her ol’ chum Michael Flynn’s felony confession, cuz she didn’t want to go to jail for lying to the FBI. They truly are Th’Best People, are they not?
Did everybody have fun today, with that nifty little game of Constitutional Crisis Peak-a-Boo that dropped into our laps today like an asparagus fart at a christening? I guess Axios got a wee bit ahead of themselves and suddenly your phone erupted like a turd volcano, spewing conflicting accounts that Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein was fired, or was resigning, but wait he’s going to the White House, and maybe they’re tearing him apart with their bare hands and Kellyanne Conway is about to stumble out on the lawn, blood trickling from the corners of her mouth, satiated at last on the forbidden flesh of humankind.
And then it turned out to be nothing. For now. But maybe we get to go through it all over again Thursday, yay!!!! I guess the whole thing’s going down because of an article in the Failing New York Times that says Hot Rod talked about recording Fat Q*Bert and invoking the 25th Amendment, but there are conflicting accounts as to whether he was being all serious like a real-life spy, or joking, like stuffing a big-ass mop down his shirt and acting like it was a microphone. Anyway, I sure hope American democracy survives!
The Velveeta Vulgarian’s lawyers, by the way, are claiming that Rosenstein’s removal, whether it be via firing, resignation, or cannibal ritual, should lead to some sort of automatic “time out” in the Mueller investigation because they think this is Calvinball, I guess.
Word on the street is the Shart House manipulated this whole thing as a “smoke bomb” to distract from all the bad Kavanaugh news. Great plan, campers. Except unlike your pudding-brained boss, most of us can focus on more than one thing in a given day.
It got swept under the rug by the day’s noisier news, but this may be the most perfect Trump story yet: Pissant Pol Pot stamped his feet and proclaimed that he wasn’t gonna give Puerto Rico no statehood, because the mayor of San Juan refuses to kiss his ass over his criminally neglectful response to the island’s post-Maria crises, which, let’s remind everyone, caused the senseless deaths of thousands of Americans.
See? Isn’t that just Peak Drumpf? Racist, hateful, petulant, and of course broadcasting that fragile ego and ravenous insecurity for the whole world to see. And he imagines people see him as “strong.” If it was anyone else, you’d feel sorry for him.
This Kavanaugh shit is really bringing out the worst in the Republican Party, which is sort of like saying Steve Bannon’s outer shirt really accentuates the viscous fluid oozing from his facial sores; we’re talking about degrees of extreme awfulness.
Ben Carson blamed the accusations on a centuries-old socialist conspiracy, possibly tied to whoever stole all the grain from the pyramids. Jeanine Pirro figured maybe Dr. Ford had been hypnotized and no I’m not making that up, I’m not that good.
Chuck Grassley spent the weekend issuing Christine Blasey Ford a new ultimatum every hour or so, hoping to intimidate her out of testifying altogether. Lindsey Graham proudly proclaimed her testimony wouldn’t change his vote, no matter what she said. I don’t want to jump to any unfair conclusions here, but I’m not sure these gentlemen are acting in good faith.
Oh, and in the middle of this clusterfuck of self-immolation, the asstumor who’d been working as the GOP’s spokesman on all things Kavanaugh suddenly resigned after a past history of, and you don’t even really need me to say it at this point, sexual harassment surfaced. That bit was a little on-the-nose for my taste, but what do I know?
And of course Mitch McConnell is flailing about, moaning about NORMS being violated, because he doesn’t yet understand that he’s no longer living in the old world where sleepy Democrats accept his every hypocrisy with a begrudging tip of the cap. We remember Merrick Garland, Mitchell m’man. All your fake outrage does to us anymore is make us reach for our wallets for one more donation, or find one more hour to phone bank. We’re coming for your gavel, old man, and you will live to see the true fruits of your labors, because you turned a generation of casual progressives into life-long activists.
(And yeah, this is where I link to the Goddamn Midterms Action Guide. If you’re not already in the fight for 2018, GET IN IT!)
And then, as you knew they would, new accusations surfaced. “Ah,” you thought, “Now I understand why they just happened to have that 65 Women Letter just lying around.” Indeed, the allegations Jane Mayer and Ronan Farrow broke were apparently known to Republicans on the Senate Judiciary committee last week, even as they were doing everything they could to ram Brettwurst through the process before the American people found out. Such noble creatures, Republicans.
Avenatti popped up with even more salacious claims aaaaaand…well, we’ll see. He says his new client will go public in the next couple of days. If his allegations hold water, they’re…really fucking awful. I’m gonna hold off on throwing my eggs in the Self-Aggrandizing Showboat basket for now.
Anyway, the settled-upon GOP strategy seems to be Let’s Find the Oldest and Whitest Men in All the Land, and Have Them Proclaim the Accusers are Lying and Also Probably Whores Before We Even Hear Their Testimony. Orrin Hatch decided the newest accusation is totally fake on the grounds that ORRIN HATCH FUCKING SAYS SO, which…I mean, do Republicans understand that women are allowed to vote?
Guys, you aren’t just playing with fire. You’re taunting fire. You’re about to attempt to tea-bag fire, and everybody but you understands that’s a situation you walk away from with your balls on fire.
I see Mr. K went on the Fux Nooz Propaganda Mill & White Resentment Emporium to swing at some softballs for a bit. He says he’s innocent of all charges ‘cuz he was still a virgin when he left high school, apparently failing to notice that doesn’t contradict the accusations at all. Anyhow, I trust his famous calendar will back him up, with weekly or at the very least monthly virginity check-ins.
Anyway, we keep learning more and more about Brett’s youthful exploits, binge-drinking and…well, read for yourself. Keep learning more about Mark Judge, who was allegedly in the room during the Ford incident, and you can see why Republicans don’t want him to testify. That dude’s grosser than a public pool during a lice outbreak.
ABC found an e-mail from Roger Stone about how much he’d like to hang out with that Assange boy down the street in the Ecuadorian Embassy, maybe swap baseball cards or dirt on Hillary Clinton. Heh. I’m diggin’ the slow burn on the Stone subplot. Ol’ Rog probably juuuuuuust starts to relax when the latest revelation drip drip drips out and suddenly he’s looking over his shoulder again. Makes me smile.
And I see the Rube Army are circulating obviously-photoshopped images of their Turd Emperor heroically rescuing folks from floodwaters or some shit. Guys. This man is so instinctually selfish he CHARGES THE SECRET SERVICE TO PEE while they’re risking their own lives to protect his. He doesn’t visit the troops in war zones. He doesn’t greet the remains of our fallen warriors when they return home. He is a selfish little coward who cares about no one but himself. This is a truth more obvious than FUCKING GRAVITY.
Alright, folks. That’s all for tonight. If any more news breaks tonight, call Howard Beale, I’m plum worn out.