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A true American monster.

Barr, like Trump, understands a return to the rule of law means he’ll spend the rest of his life in prison, and there’s nothing he won’t destroy to avoid that outcome.
https://t.co/AzXS1oyfuv



WHY ARE YOU STILL TOUCHING THE STOVE? DOES YOUR FUCKING BRAIN WORK? https://t.co/cOCf7pazS0



Give Trump and McConnell four more years of court-packing, we won’t have rulings like this: https://t.co/THpok1Lpqn

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

This Week in Hell: A Cacophonous, Discordant, Symphony of Buttholes

Friday, May 8th, 2020

 

Another week trapped inside with nothing but the news to keep me company is like being locked in a pigs-feet-pickling factory that installed heat lamps for some reason. Boy, that is one clumsy-ass metaphor, but I’m worn out by this shit. Let’s plow through the news and get to our weekends, okay?

Look, from now on, every couple of days, there’s gonna be another story about Kelly Loeffler’s laughably-open corruption, you’re just going to have to get used to that. I’m sure when the inevitable “Georgia Senator proposes bill to sell retired bomb-sniffing dogs to Loeffler Family Puppy Millz, Inc. for ten cents each” story breaks, we won’t even blink.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott isn’t your typical science-denying Republican goon! He fully understands that reopening his state’s economy will lead to a significant increase in coronavirus deaths; he’s simply decided that those deaths are a price he’s willing (to make others) pay. Yes, he’s doing this even as Texas’ COVID-19 numbers continue to grow. It’s like these jerks have gotten so used to lying their way out of every problem, they’ve lost the ability to acknowledge, let alone deal with, objective reality. “Maybe tomorrow never comes” has been a garbage strategy since day one of this shitstorm, but somehow it’s the only arrow in the Republican quiver.

Because he’s so broken he refuses to model good, safe, behavior for even ten fucking minutes, Dr. Donnie Dotard refused to wear a mask during his visit to…a mask-making plant, since nothing about this debacle is allowed to be subtle. Naturally, he couldn’t help but lie after the fact and insist he really DID wear one, but all those fake gnus reporters just didn’t see it, like he snuck away from the press, put on the mask, danced in the corner a little, just for himself, took it off, and came back smugly snickering about his big secret.

Despite pushback from those in his inner circle with a few residual functioning brain cells, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster barreled forward with his lawsuit to destroy Obamacare, because if there’s one thing millions of Americans want, it’s to lose their health insurance right in the middle of a deadly pandemic. Populism is a machine that eats people and spits out tax cuts for billionaires, it would seem.

The very same political party that’s trying to steal folks’ health care has also announced at $20 million Curb Stomp Voting Rights Wherever We Possibly Can slush fund, as their devolution from an anti-choice, anti-worker, party into an anti-human-rights, anti-life-itself, death cult continues. You…you’re registered to vote this fall, right? Why don’t you go check. Seriously. I’ll be here when you get back.

The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor installed a loyalist donor as Postmaster General, likely with instructions to order workers to pee on all the Amazon packages to spite Jeff Bezos. One more wrecking ball stooge to keep our eye on, one more American institution we’ll have to fight like hell to save for the future. Oh well, we’ve been battling these fucks for three years, we know how it’s done.

So, the CDC put together a detailed report on how to safely reopen the economy, because saving American lives is sorta the CDC’s job. Naturally, the Die Plebs Die Administration tried to hide that document where it would never be found*, because they’re still hoping to trick us expendable dopes into frolicking through the coronavirus-laced streets and dying for the Dow. Me, I’m taking the money I’m not spending on lattes and baseball games and decorative gourds, and feeding it straight into the campaigns of these murdering clowns’ Democratic replacements.

Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag apparently has nothing better to do in an economy that’s drawing more and more Great Depression comparisons every day than to get into a Twitter spat with one William Bruce Rose, Jr., better known as Axl Rose from Guns N’ Roses, proclaiming his superior patriotism with a Liberian flag emoji, in what sources assure me is, heaven help us all, real life. This has a very Jay-Gatsby-mud-wrestling-Liberace on the deck of the Titanic feel to it, no?

A new regular feature I’m considering is the Stochastic Terrorism Roundup (brought to you by MyPillow, the official pillow of Dumb Fucks Gettin’ Radicalized on the Internet). Let’s see…armed dickbag drove his SUV through a crowd of first responders? Yeah, that’s the act of a healthy mind. Oh, and an Oklahoma woman shot up a McDonald’s because she couldn’t consume her McHorsemeat in the dining room? Well, thank God we’ve preserved her second amendment right to throw murder tantrums.

Colorado Congressthug Ken Buck got caught attempting to pressure a state-level Republican official into illegally doctoring election results. Got caught on tape. It’s him. Case closed. Can’t seem to find a single Republican anywhere willing to muster even a half-assed, “golly, this should be looked into,” though. The party-wide consensus seems to be “of course we’re cheating to win, after fucking shit up this badly for this long, we certainly can’t leave our future in the hands of VOTERS! Those’re the people we’ve been getting killed!”

A Texas salon owner became the latest Kim Davis-y martyr for the cause of Freedumb, when she was briefly jailed for defying state orders and reopening her business, endangering the lives of her employees and customers. Naturally, Neutered Blowhard Ted Cruz had to fly down for a quick haircut/photo-op, because surely when one works their way up through Princeton and Harvard Law, even clerking for the Chief Justice of the whole dang Supreme Court, one dreams of spending one’s life groveling and pandering to the angriest idiots walking the face of the earth, hoping to win the temporary favor of their vile, bloated, Turd Emperor, aka the guy who publicly insulted your wife and father. You couldn’t pay me to be Ted Cruz.

Lead Buttpimple on the Committee to Re-Elect the Crotchfungus Brad Parscale compared his operation to the “Death Star” from the popular science fiction franchise “Star Wars,” which I assume means it’s a plot device that will be revisited over and over again until it becomes stale and meaningless. Anyway Bradkins, yes, the party we’re going to throw when your little scam finally explodes into a billion shitty pieces is absolutely going to be so fucking enormous as to require copious amounts of Ewok moonshine.

America got its hopes waaaaaay up when we learned a valet near Government Cheese Goebbels tested positive for COVID-19, but alas, Littlefinger appears to be uninfected for now. But maybe this is the last tantalizing tease before the writers decide to send ‘em home happy.

But then a Mikey Hairshirt staffer tested positive as well, so this sixth-grade-boy’s-idea-of-macho refusal to wear masks has led to basically all of the highest-ranking officials of the Poosquirt Administration getting exposed, which conveniently means we’re not obligated to mourn any of these unbelievable dumbasses. (The staffer in question seems to be Katie Miller, who recently joined ghost-of-an-Andersonville-prison-doctor Stephen Miller in unholy matrimony, and I’m certainly too dignified to make any comments about karma.) Anyway, there’s an outbreak in the most secure building on Earth now, but by all means let’s fill up the restaurants and stadiums and meat-packing plants.

In an effort to make Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s abuse of pardon power seem like the rule-of-law-shredding equivalent shoplifting a roll of Life Savers, Redactor General William Barr dropped the case against treasonous shitmaggot/former National Security Advisor Mike “the Turkish Delight.” Flynn. Yes, the case where Flynn pleaded guilty. Twice. This crooked cabal is claiming for itself the power to commit large, sinister, Straight Outta Frankenheimer federal crimes, without consequences.

Shit, y’all, this one is fucking BAD, even by current standards, a real contender for the eventual All Time Top Ten Anti-Democratic Outrages of the Turd Reich. But don’t let the bastards grind you down, friends…lord knows they’re trying to. We could certainly use a Jack Ryan or a James Bond or a Captain America to save us from these wannabe autocrats, but all we’ve got is us, and a rapidly-approaching election. It was enough in 2018, and it’ll be enough again this November. Tick tock, you buttsniffing weasels.

Hey, raise your hand if some otherwise-respected denizen of your social media feed shared that goddamn “plandemic” video this week. Yeah, these are dangerous times, with everyone trapped inside, wandering the world wide web for seemingly endless hours, and sadly, the rabbit holes and fever swamps aren’t usually marked with clear signage. Not to go all Smokey the Bear on you, but only YOU can prevent friends and family from descending into conspiracy-theory-spewing madness. Push back on that shit.

Well, the unemployment rate hit a who’s-ready-to-meet-the-21st-century-version-of-John-Steinbeck-esque 14.7%, and suddenly the Velveeta Vulgarian’s “Who better to fix the economy than the drooling nitwit who smashed it to bits with a sledgehammer?” re-election pitch seems like a loser to me, but then, I rarely hang out in Appalachian diners, so what do I know?

Shart Garfunkel told Fux n’ Fiendz he “learned a lot from Richard Nixon,” and America wept to discover that it’s only Tricky Dick that’s managed to penetrate that lump of rotten nougat Trump calls his skull, and not Dr. Fauci, or any of the other qualified professionals trying save America from his delusional bumbling. Economics, epidemiology, basic human decency, all beyond him…but summa cum laude from the Nixon School for the Corrupt and Malicious. Awesome.

In super-comforting news today, the President of the United States, the fellow tasked with steering the ship of state through these tumultuous waters, does not seem to understand how one can not have a disease on one day, and then have it the next. That’s the level of abstract thinking that completely derails him. Holy fuck. Anyway, maybe when this guy confidently proclaims that all our problems will just go away on their own, we should maintain a wee bit of skepticism.

Woooooo…this week kinda got to me, friends. I think I’m gonna tune out for the weekend, wring my brain out, detox for a bit.  Stay safe out there, Resisters, I’ll see y’all soon…

*Underneath the President’s Daily Brief, right on Hairplug Himmler’s desk. 

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!



A true American monster.

Barr, like Trump, understands a return to the rule of law means he’ll spend the rest of his life in prison, and there’s nothing he won’t destroy to avoid that outcome.
https://t.co/AzXS1oyfuv



WHY ARE YOU STILL TOUCHING THE STOVE? DOES YOUR FUCKING BRAIN WORK? https://t.co/cOCf7pazS0



Give Trump and McConnell four more years of court-packing, we won’t have rulings like this: https://t.co/THpok1Lpqn

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

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