Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
This Week in Hell: All Antifa’s Fault, According to Bill Barr
Golly, it’s a good thing I have a blog instead of a podcast, because while I’ve screamed myself hoarse yelling at the news this week, my typin’ fingers are just fine. I guess all of my fingers are “typin’ fingers,” now that I think of it. My thumbs are also fine, if you were wondering. Um. You probably want me to stop talkin’ phalanges and get to the news, right? Got it.
Monday night was, for me, the darkest moment of this entire four-year nightmare. This was the Donald Trump I’d feared, the one who kept me up on election night 2016; the wannabe dictator playing with the military like a spoiled child carelessly tossing his toys around, trampling our constitutional rights without a moment’s hesitation. It was scary as fuck, to be honest…especially wondering what would come next.
Well, I am beyond thrilled to see that Operation: American Tiananmen Square has backfired spectacularly. New critics of the administration’s horrific show of force emerge practically hourly, and the public has responded like Tucker Carlson at a soul food restaurant. Best of all, the protests continue to grow in numbers while the violence has all but disappeared; these protesters shame the bloodthirsty fascists with their peacefulness.
Of course, all over the country, police are still knocking the hell out of people protesting police brutality, and the fact that so many departments and officers are trying to beat the American people into accepting this unacceptable situation where we pay taxes to fund this terrifyingly-militarized force that reserves the right to harm or even kill us at will is…not my favorite thing going on right now.
But the officers who stood idly by while Derek Chauvin crushed the life out of George Floyd have at last been arrested and charged, and additional abusive officer suspensions/firings/prosecutions are stacking up around the country. Police culture isn’t adapting to this new reality particularly well, as evidenced by the Buffalo PD’s nauseating attempt to lie about an incident where officers assaulted a 75-year-old man and left him bleeding on the ground. Like, the video has been posted everywhere; the whole world saw what happened. We’re all trapped in quarantine looking at recordings of this shit all day long, you fucks.
Team Treasonweasel thought they finally had a fact check of their own to throw at the lügenpresse, claiming the media lied in reporting Hairplug Himmler’s obscene military action in Lafayette Square utilized tear gas, darkly-if-hilariously insisting they instead used…a different type of gas that causes tearing. Tear gas, yes, but not like, TEAR GAS tear gas. I have no fucking idea what they hoped to accomplish with that shit, maybe they’re trying to win back the fiscal conservative crowd by using a generic, off-brand chemical irritant banned in international warfare? Anyway, after several days of pathetic-even-by-Trump-era-standards-which-is-sayin’-something gaslighting, US Park Police admitted, “ok, we tear-gassed ya, and we would’ve gotten away with it too, if you snooping reporters didn’t the find the fucking canisters we left laying on the ground. This whole ‘police state’ thing is new to us, and we forgot to cover our tracks.”
Bunker Bitch really hates that the world knows what a bunker bitch he is, and rather amusingly tried to spin his public humiliation (a narcissist’s worst nightmare, no doubt the reason he had people gassed in the first place) by claiming he was suddenly struck, in the middle of the protests surrounding the Shart House, with an insatiable desire to inspect his wee bunker. Sure, kid. You probably just wanted to see if you could get enough reception to tweet while cowering under the bed, right? Needless to say, all the fact-checking sites agree, he is indeed one big ol’ bunker bitch.
Meanwhile Bilious Billy Barr’s patchwork gestapo patrols the streets of the nation’s capital. They’re an unidentified, unaccountable hodgepodge of federal prison guards, DEA/ATF agents, and Baskin Robbins shift managers deployed to occupy an American city and menace the American citizens who live there. I have to say, Willy, for this overwhelmingly-disastrous fascist takeover test run, the bayonets were a fantastic choice, and I appreciate the attention to detail you bring to your insidious plot to destroy American democracy; it shows you really care.
Defense Secretary Mark Esper said he thought maybe deploying active duty military forces against peaceful protesters wasn’t the greatest idea in the world, welcome comments for a nation suddenly wondering just where the lines would wind up being drawn, following-illegal-orders-wise. Naturally, this commitment to basic human decency and the rule of law infuriated the Tiny-Fisted Tyrant, so Esper is probably on the way out now. President Dunning-Krueger Overdrive’s inner circle keeps on getting smaller and crazier; by Election Day it’ll be down to Jar-Jar and Ivanka, Stephen Miller, and a troll doll possessed by the ghost of Roy Cohn.
I see Jim Mattis unretired the Mad in Mad Dog, finally opening up that can of whoop-ass he’d been saving on a certain Farthuffin’ Fascist for using the US military to help him cosplay Gaddafi on Monday night. Many believe Mattis has much more mega-catty gossip about his former boss to drop, from his alienation of our global allies to his penchant for dribbling Big Mac sauce all over the Situation Room floor. We’ll see.
Shit is absolutely fucking awful right now, and there’s no end in sight, so let’s all give ourselves the gift of a moment or two to just laugh our damn asses off over the fact that Fat Q*Bert got caught committing voter fraud. Go ahead. Bust a gut. I’ll still be here when you’re done.
Oh, and Steve King’s congressional career died a most welcome death this week, when the hateful old twerp finally lost his primary. This news delights all decent people, of course, but no one is happier than the House GOP Caucus, who will merrily return to their dog whistles now that Quiet Part Out Loud Guy will finally be gone. King didn’t lose because he’s a fucking Nazi, by the way; he’s always been a Nazi, and the voters of his district 100% always understood that he’s a Nazi, it’s just that now he’s a Nazi who got booted from his committee assignments, so he’s of no fucking use to them anymore.
A bumper crop of white nationalist losers (but I repeat myself) are beginning their thrilling new lives behind bars, as they’re arrested for trying to start shit during the George Floyd protests, but even though the FBI’s own intelligence finds no antifa involvement in the protest-adjacent violence, Redactor General Barr keeps on chanting ANTIFA ANTIFA ANTIFA anyway. Ah, antifa, such a useful all-purpose boogeyman for terrified white conservatives. Antifa steals the socks from your dryers. Antifa casts all those ethnic people on sitcoms. That unclaimed fart? The one that smelled like asparagus smothered in Munster and ballsweat? Antifa.
Why? Well, take this story, for example: seems some deranged fuckheads in Washington state actually took it upon themselves to terrorize a random, totally innocent family of campers, because they had “intel” that they were “antifas.” Well, William, you’re absolute shit at your day job, but you certainly have a bright future in stochastic terrorism.
Look, Rand Paul is a young man yet, maybe he’s just trying to keep his options open. That’s the only thing I can think of that might explain why this preening filibuster addict is single-handedly holding up an anti-lynching bill in the Senate. Paul even went so far as to jagsplain lynching to Senators Harris and Booker, because shame just isn’t a thing anymore.
You probably remember Dead-Eyed Murder Porn Fanfic Writer/Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton jerkin’ it to the idea of the American military initiating a new civil war against the increasingly-peaceful protest movement sweeping the nation. Well, the New York Times saw this bloodthirsty call to violence and said, SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN A PLATFORM! Y’know, maybe it’s time to clean the windows of your ivory tower when the backlash from handing a megaphone to a sadistic wannabe autocrat catches you by surprise. Just a tip.
Condolences to the statue of Robert E. Lee in Richmond, Virginia, which is being retired from duty and removed; it can’t possibly be easy to find a new gig as a monument to white supremacy in this job market. Aw. Who will Richmond’s racist losers look to for inspiration now? WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE RACIST LOSERS?
Speaking of racist losers, back to Donald Trump. (ZING!) Seems he’s getting all pissy with North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper over the Republican National Convention. While Cooper opposes turning his state into a COVID hot zone over a Klan rally, Wee Don fears social distancing and mask-wearing will come off as “weak,” and yeah, that ship sailed with the whole cowering-in-a-bunker thing, but whatever. Anyway, I’m sorry, Governor, the only path Government Cheese Goebbels sees to turning his cratering poll numbers around is through a massive human sacrifice to the shittiest elder gods in this (or any) universe. To be fair, he’s probably right.
But he demands social distance from YOU, dear reader, as demonstrated by the ever-expanding BUNKER. The Bunker grows and grows, as a fenced-off security perimeter walls off more and more of D.C. from the people seemingly every day, for the President is a trembling coward. (Many are calling him a “Bunker Bitch,” I am told.) THE BUNKER is coming to a town near you! At the rate it’s swelling, it may soon engulf the whole world! No one is safe from…THE BUNKER!
The Texas Republican Party is dealing with a rash of local officials posting lunatic conspiracy theories and mega-racist memes on social media, with Governor Greg Abbott going so far as to call for a couple of resignations. Given the Lone Star State GOP’s well-earned reputation in these particular areas, especially in light of Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick’s nonstop flow of mouth-diarrhea in recent weeks, I’d really love to see the party rule book on what, precisely, constitutes unacceptable behavior here; I imagine it’s as awkwardly gerrymandered as the state’s congressional districts.
I’m being told that Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski has been designated the Bravest of All Possible Little Toasters, even after giving Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot a pass on his extremely illegal Ukraine extortion scheme, because now she’s “struggling” with whether or not to vote for the career criminal who turned the US military on peaceful American citizens. So, sorry Unarmed Protesters Heroically Facing Down Abusive Militarized Police, it is Murkowski, a recent graduate of the Susan Collins School for Useless Dithering, who gets all the Profiles in Courage trophies; you can have some pepper spray instead, tho.
For another lesson in misattributed courage, let’s turn to Iowa’s Chuck Grassley, who announced he’ll hold up two Shart Administration appointments until he’s given a reason, any will likely do, for the recent rash of inspector general purges. Some will no doubt be tempted to give Chuckles credit for showing more spine than anyone in his craven caucus has in years, but don’t be surprised when he accepts a hotel bar napkin that reads, “Oh, let’s say one of ‘em got caught clipping their toenails in the break room, and the other one always spoils HBO shows on Facebook.”
These days Donnie Two-Scoops inhales “LAW & ORDER” and exhales “I AM GOING TO PARDON MY BUDDY ROGER STONE EVEN THOUGH HE COMMITTED MANY FELONIES,” and to be fair, his tiny walnut brain is likely incapable of understanding the hypocrisy. While it’s infuriating to watch him abuse his power like this even as he refuses to lift a (tiny, inadequate) finger to stop the spread of the coronavirus, I do enjoy knowing that the pardon power will be long gone when he’ll want it most.
You could probably use another laugh right about now. Well, Shart House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany has apparently committed voter fraud too. Why do I have the sudden feeling that Junior and Eric are about to declare themselves residents of Wisconsin?
Apparently worried that African-American voters were insufficiently motivated to fire his third-rate Klansman ass, the Adderall-Addled Assclown decided today would be a good day to put George Floyd’s name in his mouth and dare America to slap it out. I won’t presume to speak for the dead myself, but no, I do not believe any of the recent victims of police violence are high-fiving you over your awesome jobs numbers, also you’re the reason there are so many millions unemployed in the first place, also SHUT YOUR STUPID LITTLE BUTTHOLE MOUTH, YOU SOULLESS CROTCHWART.
Meanwhile, the Die Plebs Die Administration, while continuing to neglect its coronavirus responsibilities, has merrily used the pandemic as an excuse to suspend hundreds of regulations designed to protect working folks from our corporate overlords. See, looting isn’t bad when it’s done by the stroke of a pen. Anyway, I’m sure looking forward to buying my COVID-19 vaccine on credit at the company store.
Now, this week has been a lot, obviously, I mean A LOT, and I’m just trying to hang onto my sanity, and I was doing pretty well until I came across this CDC study that says more than a third of Americans actually listened to Doctor Dotard when he told them to ingest Lysol, and that they’re doing insane shit like GARGLING BLEACH. Look I believe the right to vote is absolutely sacred, but maybe the motherfucking BLEACH GARGLERS should be excluded from the leadership-choosing discussion. There, I said it.
…and now I see Bill Fucking Barr, having previously admitted to ordering the Lafayette Square attack, is feverishly backtracking, probably on account of realizing he’d confessed to a very large crime. I had to write three different paragraphs about Barr tonight. I need a fucking shower.
Fuuuuuuuuuck. I can’t take this shit anymore. There is absolutely stuff I missed tonight, but if I covered everything, I’d still be writing this post come Sunday morning. Forgive me. I’m gonna go ingest one very specific liquid that is actually designed for ingestion now. Stay safe, friends.