It’s weird to be so confined, so solitary and stationary, while this mad age whizzes by on the screens of our little devices. It’s like being trapped, barefoot, on a treadmill made of sewage and broken glass that we can never, ever, ever, ever shut off. Yup yup, havin’ the time of my dang life over here. Anybody up for the news?

Obviously, Vlad Putin has a lot to be happy about when he surveys his modest investments in the Tearing America Apart From the Inside Out industry; the President has, beyond the occasional verbal stumble, proven an exemplary employee. However, it must be noted the Biden/Burisma division has been underperforming during a crucial period, which, honestly, you pretty much have to expect when you leave a walking thumb like Ron Johnson in charge of any task that requires the use of a human brain.

Like a child forcing his parents to sit through a magic show in the back yard, Johnson unveiled the results of his silly little ratfucking “investigation,” and the only October surprise here is that RoJo somehow still believes his feeble intellect is capable of any deception more sophisticated than Got Your Nose.

Speaking of distressingly powerful white mediocrities who’ve mistaken themselves for geniuses, I see Rand Paul is in the news again. Feeling extra pleased with himself, Senator Paul took aim at Dr. Anthony Fauci, unleashing a volley of horseshit that ultimately landed like a cartoon anvil right on Rand’s own smug little meat head, en route to his groin, because Doctor Tony was not in any sort of fool-tolerating mood. And while it’s always welcome amusement whenever such a raging jagoff crashes and burns so spectacularly, let’s not lose sight of the fact that this was a United States Senator using his platform to spread dangerous, anti-scientific misinformation during a public health crisis.

BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump is racist, GASP FAINT! New reporting from the Washington Post delivers a veritable Pepperidge Farm gift basket of anti-Black, anti-Semitic, and anti-Hispanic statements and actions from the Grifter Grand Wizard. The article is awful to read, of course, but it’s as likely to hearten a Cult45er as disgust a Democrat; that’s the conversation we’re really having right now…isn’t it, America?

Well well well, I see Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot refuses to commit to continuing the USA’s greatest, most important tradition: Prime Day. Wait, that’s not right, I meant to say, “the peaceful transition of power.”

Even the oozing plague rat scrotum Donnie Dotard calls his brain is capable of processing the odds of a world-renowned Botcher of Pandemic Responses, Crasher of Economies, and General Fucker-Up of More or Less Everything prevailing in a free and fair election, and thus the incumbent President of the United States has decided to end for all time, violently if necessary, American democracy.*

If he can.

I certainly understand his anxiety. The gutless creep can’t stick a toe outside his wingnut safe space without meeting thunderous VOTE HIM OUT chants (and fleeing them like a coward, naturally). Aw, not as much fun as leading a seething wad of maskless yokels in a rousing round of LOCK HER UP while COVID-19 frolics through the crowd, is it, Fuckface?

But yeah, sure was a fun week, wasn’t it? Sussing out the fascist dolt’s powers and options? Trying to figure out which gates are still guarded by decent American patriots, and which have already fallen to stooges and brownshirts? And you breathe a little easier when you hear the military push back on the idea of being deployed against the public by a cornered Nazi rat, yes, but oh, how you long for the days when you never imagined you’d lose of wink of sleep over such things.

Lizard-Eyed Medicare Fraudster Rick Scott casually proposed an insidious new law that would, in what I’m sure is just a wacky coincidence, disproportionately disenfranchise Democratic voters, by requiring any ballots not counted within 24 hours to be shat upon and burned, and I must say, the increasingly authoritarian Republican Party is gettin’ sorta brazen lately in their thirst to remove American citizens’ rights. How do they imagine this will go for them?

Because there’s been quite a lot of Senate Republican malfeasance in the news this week, and while one must grudgingly acknowledge Mitch McConnell’s virtuosic mastery of procedural fuckery, he and his team of plutocrat assclowns are about to learn they’ve made some erroneous assumptions about the sustainability of a system where a handful of wealthy white idiots reward themselves for losing control of a pandemic, resulting in economic carnage and hundreds of thousands of deaths, by stealing the rights of the very constituents they’ve failed so unforgivably. You’re gonna get torches and pitchforks on your lawns, my dudes. Fair warning.

Desperate to halt the mass migration of elderly voters into Handsome Joe Biden’s lovin’ arms, Strawberry Shartcake figured he’d try an insultingly minuscule, probably illegal bribe. Lord.

“Hi, I’m so cataclysmically fucking awful at my job that you’ve been trapped inside your homes for seven fucking months, with no respite in sight; I’ve stolen precious time from the golden years you worked your entire life to earn, and not only do I golf every goddamn week rather than working to alleviate your suffering, at my rallies, me n’ my loser rage cult laugh our asses off at how little your lives matter to us. Anyway, here’s a week’s grocery money, we’re all good, right?”

In true Trump fashion, seems the Dotard failed to investigate whether or not he can actually deliver his wee kickbacks before shooting his butthole mouth off, and I guess the only thing worse than offering the equivalent of a Starbucks gift card to the people he’s failed so badly is making the promise and then breaking it. It is really quite subtle, the Art of the Deal.

Ron DeSantis celebrated his state’s 14,000th Covid death by lifting all restrictions on Florida businesses, allowing bars and restaurants to operate at full capacity, sending a clear signal that the coronavirus is under control, which is kinda weird, since the coronavirus is decidedly not under control, in Florida of all places. When you report 2,847 new cases and 120 new deaths on the very same day you bellow EVERYBODY BACK IN THE WATER, I feel like you’re sending mixed signals, and not in a fun, flirty way but a Looking at This From a Certain Angle It’s Murder sort of way.

What Ron-Ron is doing here is actively facilitating the spread of a deadly disease among the very population he’s charged with protecting; and he’s doing it to falsely project safety and normalcy, hoping to trick voters into backing the odious buffoon who let the damn virus have its way with the country in the first place. It’s all so very, very evil.

All in all, a difficult week for anyone with an emotional stake in believing conservative men named Ron have anything between their ears but cobwebs and gerbil turds.

I think history will mark the day when Bilious Bill Barr hopped aboard the Bad Ship Shartanic as the precise point when the shitstorm went atomic. Barr took a ragtag mob of crooks, bigots, and wannabe dictators and showed them the U.S. government isn’t just gonna corrupt itself, you gotta go out there and corrupt it with your own two hands, boys! And he’s carried that can-do attitude to Team Treasonweasel’s efforts to destroy the republic ever since, to the dismay of every decent American.

The DoPJ**’s latest scheme involved the breathless and entirely-inappropriate revelation of an investigation into some Pennsylvania ballots that were surely intercepted by Captain Antifa and his band of Soros-funded cyborg ninjas. This story was, of course, rapidly debunked, not that fact-checking ever stops the Children of the Candy Corn from carving a lie into stone.

And it looks like the SCOTUS pick really is gonna be theocrat gun nut Amy Coney Barrett, so if you were expecting the tone of the discourse to chill with the weather, I mean, shit, have you MET 2020? We’re on a bullet train to the lowest circle of Hell, my friend, you must have noticed by now.

Ok, what else? The money keeps rolling in over at the Fascist-Flushing 2020 Action Guide. The six(ok, seven)-pack that donates to all the closest Senate races is understandably popular, but there are a lot of great House candidates who could use your help, too.

And hey, we just got the go-ahead from Kickstarter regarding my second comic book as a writer: MINE! Click here to sign up to be notified when we launch the campaign next week, it’s a nifty little space fable about leadership and limitations, I think it’ll appeal to politically-minded folks like y’all.

Hey, just a head’s up, my plan is to get the next blog up on Monday rather than the customary Tuesday night, so I can watch the debate. That’s the plan, but we all know what 2020 does to plans. One way or another, I’ll see you soon; stay safe out there, okay?

*At the risk of editorializing, I believe this is Bad.

**Department of Perverted Justice