Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
This Week in Hell: Woodward and Whistleblowing and…Joe Lieberman Was There
So, I see Dr. Fauci says we might have to live like this for another year or more, and I’m like, “don’t be silly, my vocal chords couldn’t possibly hold out that long,” as yet another news cycle reduces me to baying at the moon like a stray dog that got into Uncle Brody’s still again, a drunken, formless, primal yowl…yeah, I can do another year. Standing on my damn head, bro. (Weeps)
In parts of our poor, bleeding country, the literal color of the fucking sky has changed to a sickly, unnatural hue as wildfires rampage out of control. A gender reveal party sparks a blaze that consumes more than 13,000 acres, while legions of radicalized wingnut drones blame imaginary swarms of antifa arsonists. Life in America feels more and more like being trapped in a SimCity game run by some kid with a sense of vindictive justice shaped by old EC Comics.
Some fella named Bob Woodward, who as near as I can tell is a character from a Robert Redford movie come to life, and somebody should really look into how the fuck that happened, ANYWAY, he’s got a book coming out. It is a book about Donald Trump, in case you feel like letting the cancer of his already inescapable presence spread into even more of your life. Me, I’ll stick to the headlines.
I guess it counts as newsworthy that his rabbit turd brain was actually capable of processing information more sophisticated than See Spot Run, but like, didn’t we know this shit already? Or have we lowered our standards so far that we just accept the President probably thinks all this stuff about viruses and transmission is “witch talk,” and hope for the best?
The Velveeta Vulgarian’s spin here is that he didn’t want to cause a panic, which, yes, is really quite ludicrous coming from the wheezing turdnozzle who spends his days conjuring images of a scythe-wielding Joe Biden rampaging through the suburbs one Applebee’s at a time, but it’s also a fairly weak excuse. “I didn’t want to panic people, so I got a quarter of a million of them killed instead.” Oh. Well. That was poor judgment. Are you sure you’re cut out for leadership?
Other highlights from the upcoming Woodward include Government Cheese Goebbels’ boastful revelation of a classified weapons system, the sort of insecurity-fueled groveling he usually reserves for Oval Office meetings with Russian spies.
Oh, and he also bragged (so confident, our president) about helping murderous thug MBS get away with dismembering a Washington Post journalist…to an associate editor…of the Washington Post. He worked harder to shield an autocrat from accountability for an atrocity than he has to protect his 330 million constituents from the coronavirus and yeah, I just feel like Joe Biden is a better fit for this gig.
Oh, and speaking of Russian spies, Andriy Derkach sure is one! But that’s not all, Andriy is also Rotten-Mouthed Cousin-Fucker Rudy Giuliani’s partner in various international Biden-smearing ventures, AND Senator Ron Johnson’s personal disinformation dealer, and honestly, I hope Putin pays the guy what he’s worth. Weird that a Wisconsin Senator is doing the Kremlin’s bidding, but seriously, Derkach has clearly earned that Employee of the Month parking space.
Impeachable crimes: like treasonous Lay’s, it is difficult, apparently, to stop at just one. A DHS whistleblower alleges Acting Gruppenführer Chad Wolf repeatedly ordered the subversion of his department’s national security duties to the fleeting political whims of his Maggot Maharaja. Wolf, and his shit-eating worm sidekick, Ken Cuccinelli, are suppressing intelligence on Russian assaults on the 2020 election, and demanding official assessments match up with whatever viscous blobs of bullshit happen to fall out of Donald Trump’s pinched sphincter mouth.
…and it’s not even the biggest story of the day. I don’t think it even landed with the general public, honestly. “Flood the zone with shit,” right? Life in the fall of 2020 is lived between the ticks of a clock attached to a bomb; we’re just waiting to see if the person holding the cutters is the protagonist, or some sort of disposable act one throwaway played by a character actor. Please don’t be Sean Bean.
Looking to somehow pander hard enough to make folks forget that he’s single-handedly responsible for the greatest decline in the quality of Americans’ lives since the Great Depression (or the third Coldplay album, depending on how one measures these things), Strawberry Shartcake released an updated list of undomesticated assclowns he’d consider elevating to the Supreme Court, a veritable who’s who of people-loathing scumfucks, including Tom Cotton, Hugo Drax, Bobby Heenan, Liberty Valance, Josh Hawley, Waluigi, The Nothing, Ghislaine Maxwell, A Wad of Pubic Hair From an Alabama Truck Stop Restroom Which Has Gained Sentience, the Reverse Flash, and, ew, Ted Cruz.
“This looks like a job for Joe Lieberman!” said precisely no one ever, and yet Joe Lieberman inflicted his pomposity upon the world anyway, endorsing feckless concern-expresser Susan Collins’ re-election, in the name of some long-extinct bipartisan ideal that exists nowhere outside of Joe Lieberman’s unearned sense of self-regard anymore. You wanna shake the man, ask him what fight he imagines he’s fighting in this age of rapidly-encroaching fascism, but you don’t trust yourself to stop shaking, y’know?
Speaking of sanctimonious dithering in the face of mass suffering, Mitch McConnell’s latest dreary, cynical piece of political performance art, a “skinny” coronavirus relief bill, was defeated as predicted. I think it’s weird that so Americans are about to cast their votes for Yertle and his cronies, considering their extremely public devotion to making a terrible situation worse, but I guess folks take that War on Xmas stuff pretty seriously.
I’ve said this before, but I’ve really come to understand why so much of the art from behind the Iron Curtain was absurdist in nature; everything is just so huffing-nitrous-oxide-through-your-butthole-using-a-Shop-Vac-ingly insane lately. Like, how do the burgeoning millions of QAnon devotees reconcile their belief that Shart Garfunkel is secretly fighting a vast international left-wing child sex trafficking cabal with his confession, in front of the whole damn world, six months and nearly 200,000 corpses into the pandemic he continues to neglect, to watching as much television as a third grader on summer break? “Donald Trump working” is the nuttiest part of the whole conspiracy theory, honestly.
Even Mike Pants is attending Qnatic fundraisers now, HOW CHRISTLIKE IS THAT? In fairness, I imagine it’s more fun to pretend you’re fighting a secret society of pedophiles than to face the reality that you’re personally responsible for more human suffering than almost anyone alive, and that if Jesus came back, he’d deliver a very long, passionate sermon holding up you, personally, as an example of religious hypocrisy and phony piety.
The lying librul media would have you believe the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus exists in a state of constant panic and existential dread over their inability to figure out how, HOW FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE DARK GRIFTER GODS, do you run against Joe Biden, but if that were the case, would they be confidently proffering this latest frantic lie, that Old Handsome Joe, whom they have tried n’ tried to paint as a drooling nitwit, scarcely able to dress himself, only appears so lucid in his constantly multiplying public Trump-stomping events because he’s taking some kind of performance-enhancing drugs?
The idea here seems to be that there’s some sci-fi, Flowers for Algernon miracle pill that temporarily vanquishes dementia, leaving only Mad Rhetorical Skillz in its wake, but nobody’s ever thought to slip one to Doc Dotard before he waddles out to tell Americans to shoot bleach into their goddamn eyeballs? Sure, Jan.
A senior prosecutor working on John Durham’s “investigation” into the origins of the Russia probe resigned, presumably because she believes her duty is to the rule of law, rather than to manufacturing a bullshit October surprise for the Emperor of Hemorrhoids, to whom the entire executive branch must bow, according to Redactor General William Barr. I miss Jeff Sessions, and I don’t like the way that makes me feel.
Condolences go out to Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo, whose wife has been caught using a private email address to conduct government business. By the extremely consistent rules of modern conservatism, her life is now forfeit to the God of Information Security. I’m told the ritual is…quite grisly.
And we’re back to the concluding paragraph, without even the novelty of nudity to spice up the proceedings. Oh, hey, there ARE a bunch of new entries in the Fascist-Flushing Action Guide, so keep checking back, and keep sharing, the Guide is growing all the time! Stay safe out there, campers.
(You haven’t forgotten about my upcoming comic book, have ya?)