Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Tonight, I’m Calling For a Million Propaganda Minister March on Washington in Support of Sarah Sanders’ Civil Rights
Y’know, now that we’ve spent a couple weeks inside Stephen Miller’s shitty Harry Potter fanfic, where Hogwarts is a military-run detention camp with government-orphaned kids sleeping in cages under space blankets…I have to say I don’t much care for it.
It’s been a rough year and a half, Shower Captives. I know that. We’ve been tap-dancing on the knife’s edge for so long, we’ve forgotten what it feels like to genuinely rest. Still, we’ve wearily held the line, we’ve Resisted every assault on our values and our Democracy. And we haven’t done too badly.
…but I’m afraid it’s all been for naught, friends. We had a good run, but Freedom died over the weekend. The Stars and Stripes retired to Florida to do bath salts and eat faces, the Constitution crumbled to dust and blew away in the wind, and the Statue of Liberty stepped down off her pedestal and started turning tricks out by the docks.
For you see…Sarah Huckabee Sanders was kicked out of a restaurant.
Yes, a little joint called the Red Hen in Lexington, Virginia, took a small and peaceful stand for decency, and after a staff vote said, “Due to your not insignificant role in an unforgivable abomination, you may not pass a leisurely hour or two here, among the good people of this nation, whom you insult and betray daily. Though we have to wait awhile to use the levers of Democracy to remove you from the post you soil with your reprehensible dishonesty, you may not enjoy the fruits of our labors, or the comforts of our house. Please leave. Your cheese plate is on the house.”
This respectful act of protest has of course been treated in the media as the exact moral equivalent of the Drumpf administration’s monstrous policy of forced family separation, because the crowd that desperately pretended Hillary Clinton’s private e-mail server balanced evenly with Government Cheese Goebbels’ sexual assaults/race-baiting/stealing from charity/inciting violence/countless other crimes have learned absolutely nothing.
Oh, and SHS also broke the law by using her official government Twitter account to stir up the frothy minions of Cult45 against the restaurant. They dutifully complied, targeting their harassment and death threats at not only the Red Hen that actually said “No shirt, no morals, no service,” but also at every other similarly-named joint in the country, because these people are precisely as intelligent as they are kind. Somewhere, there’s some jagoff in a made-in-China red ballcap screaming at a rooster…I guarantee it.
Look. Sarah Slanders is in the business of destroying America as we know it. That is her job, and she executes it with great enthusiasm. She lies professionally; and not the petty lies of the everyday politician, seeking to dodge accountability for a broken campaign promise or an extra-marital affair. She tells massive, gaslighting lies, aimed at destroying the very concept of objective reality, building in its place an Orwell-for-Dummies system where the state decides what’s real and what’s not, and all the pesky Jim Acostas of the world have cots waiting for them in the labor camps.
She is an evil person doing evil work on behalf of evil people. She should be pelted with the feces of all God’s creatures, from the lowly droppings of the tiniest lizard to the majestic turds of the blue whale, every single time she leaves her fucking house.
Sarah clearly inherited her shameless villainy from her Affable HateYokel Dad, Mike. Ol’ Chuckle Huck, who’s supported more pedophiles than a Roy Moore super PAC, is somehow ethically capable of transitioning seamlessly from tweeting straight-up white supremacist propaganda to whining about the “bigotry” of decent people refusing to serve his freedom-loathing, propaganda-belching, truth-annihilating offspring, all with the sneering condescension of a self-proclaimed “man of god.”
Anyway, the Uncredible Huck marched right back out to her Podium o’ Bullshit today, lectured the media about civility for a bit before shitting out all the same old lies, from “Democrats want open borders” to “separating families is the law,” to “lots of women want to date Stephen Miller.”
While the media class staged an elaborate ceremonial circle-jerk around the ridiculous “civility” debate, the administration constructed a fresh new bureaucratic hellscape. “Well, while we can’t snatch any NEW kids away from their parents, we’ve still got 2,000 and change already in custody to play with! Tell you what, Mom, you can have your precious baby girl back! All you have to do is sign this paper renouncing your asylum claims for all time! I suppose you could always claim your legal rights, but who knows what might happen to your little angel in all that time?” oozes Jeff Sessions, as he holds out a pen…
Hey, d’you know what’s For Cucks? Due process, that’s what! The Tantruming Tangelo Toddler filled up a whole Sam’s Club economy-size package of diapers over the fact that he can’t just point his embarrassingly-wee finger at anyone he wants deported and have ‘em catapulted over the Big Stupid Wall he’ll never get built.
Golly gee, I don’t know why everybody’s makin’ Nazi comparisons! It’s only the white supremacist President who opened internment camps for children asking for a private security force that can punish anyone it likes without judicial oversight! DOES THAT TRIGGER YOU, LIBTARDS?
Sometimes we get so caught up in this petty little man’s boundless hatred and malice that it’s easy to overlook how he’s also crazier than Nicholas Cage at an audition for a Charles Manson biopic. At a hate rally (yeah, the President of the United States regularly stages hate rallies, that’s just something that happens now) motherfucker AUTOGRAPHED PHOTOS OF GANG VIOLENCE VICTIMS.
What the living fuck? How many Pixie Stix do you have to snort before you think, “you know what these grieving families whose tragedies I’m exploiting to stir up race hatred would really love? AN AUTHENTIC DONALD-TRUMP-SIGNED PICTURE OF THEIR DEAD KID! You should get that appraised! If you have any other kids, I bet you can put them through college on this SIGNED PHOTOGRAPH OF YOUR MURDERED CHILD!”
…anyone batshit enough to behave that way is a stone’s throw away from ejaculating on the corpse at an open-casket funeral, is all I’m sayin’.
Yeah, he’s one zany guy, that Idiot Manchild President of ours. One minute he’s seething about something Jimmy Fallon said, and you can’t help but laugh at the crippling insecurities that have prevented him from enjoying a single moment of his seven decades of life. The next, he’s inciting violence against a sitting U.S. Congresswoman, and the insecurities don’t seem quite so funny.
By the way, as these horny-for-fascism rat bastards focus on terrorizing asylum-seekers, the Shart’s own Justice Department warns that this dumbfuck effort to keep America just a little whiter for just a little longer is diverting needed resources from the allegedly-all-important business of combating drug trafficking. I’m sure Don the Con understand this; more portraits to autograph down the line, you see…
Meanwhile Donnie Dotard’s dipshit trade war is rackin’ up casualties…among American workers! One of Missouri’s largest nail manufacturers has already laid off 60 employees, and worries it could be out of business by Labor Day! Tariffs have forced Harley-Davidson to move some production out of the country! To those who lose their jobs, your President thanks you for your sacrifice, and wants you to know it will not be in vain! JUST KIDDING this is all just one big ego trip and he certainly doesn’t give a flying rat’s ass about any of you!
Politico published an amusing little piece exploring how working for the white nationalist scumfuck currently polluting the Oval Office is the ultimate cock-blocker, I guess cuz whoever handles HR for that Clowncar Full of Rectums vastly overstated the aphrodisiac qualities of opening concentration camps for children. Yeah, sorry kids, no decent human being will ever fuck you again, but I’m told the incel message boards are lovely this time of year.
Truly Earth-shattering news today, as somebody finally managed to say something so racist on Fux Nooz that they got suspended instead of promoted! Former Shart campaign official David Bossie not only casually flung a slur at a black panelist, he did so while defending the President and his party…from charges of racism. Truth is stranger, and much much dumber, than fiction.
Erik Prince has turned his phone and computer over to Bodacious Bob Mueller’s team. FBI investigators are reportedly disturbed that the folder marked “porn” contains nothing but videos of civilians dying in air strikes.
Speaking of Mueller, looks like he’s bashfully batting his eyes at one of Roger Stone’s buddies, sayin’ “Hey big boy, why don’t you come on over here for an interview,” but the dude doesn’t want to be known as a “rat,” preferring his existing reputation as a “grundle-huffing shitweasel,” which of course is the scientific term for “a friend of Roger Stone.”
And of course there were fresh new allegations of corruption for our old pal Scott Pruitt. I actually wrote that sentence two minutes after I posted my last blog, knowing full well it would prove true by the time I posted this one.
Big congratulations to every political journalist who shat out a think piece about the Marmalade Shartcannon winning so very very hard because his approval ratings were at their highest even as his inhuman depravity reached new and appalling depths. Any editor with half a brain (or, fuck, even with a semi-ripe cauliflower between their ears) would’ve told you, “Hold up, Daddy-O, let’s wait and see how the CONCENTRATION CAMPS play out with the public before we print that one,” and sure enough, the number plummeted faster than Shartboy’s Nobel prize chances.
Oh, before we go, Bill at the Abject Horror Desk has something he’d like to bring to our attention. What’ve you got, Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, Cap, NBC reports that President Trump has increasingly stopped listening to Jim Mattis, shutting him out entirely on several major decisions.
Well, that doesn’t sound that bad, Bill! Just good ol’ Washington gossip!
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: McMaster and Cohn gone. Mattis and Kelly sidelined. While John Bolton and Stephen Miller frolic freely through the corridors of power. Suddenly we’re in a 90-front trade war and the military is opening tent cities to detain little kids. There’s no adult supervision left, and not only are kids high on candy and soda pop, but they have nuclear codes.
Ah, well, when you put it like that…
…we’re all gonna die.
Alright, that’s all I’ve got tonight, chums. I probably missed something, but sifting through ALL THE GODDAMN POSTS ABOUT CIVILITY really decimated my capacity for news today.