Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
We’re All Trapped in the Office with this Maniac, and Matt Lauer Just Locked the Door
A Category 5 shitstorm hit the United States today, leaving millions of Americans without access to decency. Recovery efforts are expected to take years. Ideally three or less.
The Marmalade Shartcannon woke up on the wrong side of the piss-coated mattress today, didn’t he? Apparently worried about losing the fealty of the Sloppiest Meth Addict in the Klan lodge, he decided to use the bully pulpit to spread some horrifically bigoted propaganda from a group of British Nazis.
Like, seriously fucked up white supremacist shitsacks. People who keep getting thrown in jail for violence. Giving these monsters a megaphone is such a bad idea that even the poo-flinging morons at Infowars are like “Whoa there, slow down, buck-o!”
…the President is too nutty for Infowars. Sleep tight.
The British are, understandably, rather pissed, because boosting the profile of violent fascists JUST ISN’T CRICKET. Even the Dutch government chimed in, because one of the videos claiming to show a Muslim immigrant beating up a little Dutch boy on crutches was, y’know…not actually a video of that thing.
So yeah, alienating a couple of staunch allies, demonizing millions of people (and, in doing so, playing directly into ISIS’ hands, I might add) but hey, David Duke sure seems happy! Anyway, we’re bombing Amsterdam next Tuesday, so you better get your pot vacation in this weekend.
Propaganda Minister Sarah Huckabee Sanders proclaimed the Velveeta Urinal Cake’s use of phony videos in service of incited religious to be “totally rad,” and “tubular, even,” before returning to her office to continue work on her musical adaptation of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, where Nurse Ratched is the protagonist.
Yeah, it’s maybe not the best thing that the official White House position is “Making Shit Up is Kewl So Long as it Makes People Hate the People We Want Them to Hate.” HOT TAKE, CAP.
Oh, and Shartboy also casually suggested that a critical media personality, Joe Scarborough, murdered an intern a few years ago.
And that little tidbit barely made a ripple. Shit, you won’t even remember it happened by next Thursday. No, we’ll have moved on to how he’s forcing the government to buy heavily-marked-up crates of Trump Wine to send to Puerto Rico as disaster aid, or raping a parakeet, or something.
Oh, on the subject of Puerto Rico, it seems FEMA had $30 million in contracts with some no-name/no-experience company to distribute badly-needed tarps in the aftermath of Maria, but the company just…didn’t. The Best People strike again!
Hey, remember when Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot screeched about how fake newsy CNN International is? Well, it sure hasn’t taken long for the media in Egypt and Libya to hop on that bandwagon! Doesn’t it just fill you up to the brim with patriotic pride when you see your President’s words being weaponized by brutal dictators in the service of oppression? It’s like watching a time-lapse video of a bald eagle being hollowed out by cancer.
We’re seeing a bumper crop of The President Is Mentally Unwell No Really He’s Completely Detached From Reality Seriously He Cray-Cray NO REALLY STOP HIM BEFORE HE BOMBS CLEVELAND, that’s kind of a fun change from boring ol’ politics-as-usual, huh?
It might not be so bad if he’d been a basically good guy before losing his mind, y’know? Like, if Obama snapped, maybe he’d wander around giving away free souvenir pens, or challenge LeBron to go one on one, but with the current guy, you wonder if he’s gonna have anthrax dropped into the Mississippi River.
I guess some jag hilariously actually called “Lucian Wintrich,” the Shart House correspondent for the tinfoil-and-bath-salts site Gateway Pundit, gave a little speech about how It’s Ok to be White and Also Maybe Assault Some College Kids My Penis is Totally Normal-Sized and Lots of Girls Want to Touch It No Really I Swear.
Secretary of State/Bloviating Dumbfuck Rex Tillerson defended the sweeping, destructive, cuts he’s making because he figures him n’ Jared’ll solve all the world’s problems and then there won’t be any more problems so why would we need a State Department, CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!
And the Accidental Poosquirt’s FCC chair whined about Twitter allegedly discriminating against conservatives, because taking away a Nazi’s precious blue checkmark is an assault on free speech, while curb-stomping net neutrality so a handful of rich dudes can decide what we peasants are allowed to see is Tom Jefferson’s wettest dream.
Bashful Bob Mueller postponed some grand jury testimony relating to the investigation into Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn’s tomfoolery, leading to speculation that the Russia probe needs to carve out extra time for Flynn to blubber and cry and beg for mercy.
Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship announced his candidacy for Joe Manchin’s West Virginia Senate seat, because Raw Evil is so hot in Republican politics right now. In related news, the Ebola Virus will join the Republican primary field in the race to replace retiring Senator Jeff Flake.
CNN sez they’ll be boycotting the Shart House Xmas party, undermining the President’s long-simmering master plan to get Jake Tapper to sit in a chair on which a “whoopie cushion” had been pre-set, thus creating the appearance that Tapper had released a loud, undoubtedly smelly, fart.
Mitch McConnell and his caucus full of Koch Brothers Butlers moved closer to passing their You Pay More Taxes So Rich People Don’t Have To “reform” bill. Now they’re fucking around with the idea of booby-trapping their already-shitty legislation with automatic triggers that cut spending “if” their trickle-up economics sham somehow fails to supercharge the economy.
“If.” Lord. What fools they take us for.
Shit, by the time they’re done with this monstrosity, you’ll have to leave a duplicate key to your front door with the nearest available billionaire, who will then have the right to wander around your place while you’re at work, taking their pick of your stuff, even that awesome Kyle Schwarber bobblehead you got to the ballpark 2 hours early to get.
And then Sam Brownback, architect of Kansas’ Let’s Turn the Economy Into an Ayn Rand Theme Park “experiment” which failed so badly that public schools closed early because they couldn’t afford to keep the lights on, showed up to say “Forget all that pesky real-world evidence! Everything went perfectly in Kansas! The unobtanium mines have reopened, and every single taxpayer is dating a supermodel!”
And the Senate GOP went, “GOOD ENOUGH FOR US,” and high-fived themselves, even as Colorado sent out letters to CHIP recipients warning that funding will run out in two months because Republicans let it lapse. WINNING.
Anyway, it’s a shit bill. The AARP hates it. More than two thousand faith leaders hate it. The American people hate it.
Sadly, about 52 eager little oligarch stooges seem rather enamored with it, so here we are.
Smallhands Magoo gave a little speech saying the tax bill would be bad for him, when it would actually save him and his creepy, devolved family around a billion dollars, but he peppered it with a little racism so everybody cheered.
But hey, the Christ Down Off the Cross Guy will believe him! Cult45 is nothing if not loyal! Right up to the moment their house gets foreclosed on because they started missing payments when Dad got sick from the unregulated toxins in the air at work, they’ll beam, “Golly, that Donald Trump sure tells it like is!,” perhaps managing one final, wheezed, “Lock…her…up.” before expiring.
President Crotchvoid went on to identify “welfare reform” as his next priority, because Trumpism is an engine that runs on the fear and resentment of the shittiest white people around, and Donnie Two-Scoops needs to pick up speed before Mueller and co. get any closer.
Matt Lauer has been fired for being so pervy n’ gross that he had a secret Lock the Office Door While I Whip Out My Junk button on his desk, which is…not the sort of button a decent fellow has on his desk.
In response, Geraldo Rivera is proposing all sorts of fun new rules regarding sexual harassment accusations in the news business, which he refers to as “flirty,” like “hey, ladies, don’t go to journalism school if you don’t want wind up locked in a room with a pantsless dude waggling his dong atcha! That’s reporting 101!” Geraldo’s Rulz include a “Report within 5 years or it doesn’t count” amendment, and a special, blanket exemption for the mustachioed.
ProPublica reports the Shart Administration is lookin’ to give their Orb-Mates in Saudi Arabia some pipin’ fresh nuclear technology, because an arms race is just what the Middle East needs to spice things up next season!
Here’s some good gnus…a bunch of Drumpf Organization business have been subpoenaed to retain records in a big emoluments clause lawsuit. It’ll be nice to see that bribery paper trail!
And I see Roy Moore co-wrote some creepy faux-Christian cult textbook that says women:
A) Shouldn’t be allowed to run for office.
B) Probably shouldn’t even get to vote.
C) Should be considered legal tender when used by their father to settle any outstanding debts.
A daughter may be worth as much as two oxen, or even a threshing machine, depending on her youth and hotness.
Oh, and Little Donnie Dotard rage-tweeted at some poor woman with the misfortune of sharing a name with the British Prime Minister, because he not only has the temperament of a toddler, but the intellect to match.
What’s this now? Your Jared Kushner already met with Mueller? Regarding Flynn? How very interesting…hope you enjoyed your time together, Jar-Jar, I don’t imagine it’s last time you’ll be sitting on that particular hot seat.
…as you can see, we’re in the midst of an American tragedy. Please donate to recovery efforts.