Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Trump 2020: Dead Traitors and Dog Whistles
Reading the news these days is like running with the bulls, only instead of bulls they’re really angry clowns and instead of running you’re just sitting in the middle of the street, having a bad acid trip, while the clowns trample you. And then you wake up the next day, open the newspaper, and do it all over again. Wheeeeeee.
So, the retired judge appointed by the judge in the Mike Flynn trial to counter Bilious Billy Barr’s appalling “law schmaw” maneuver told the Redactor General precisely where he could stick his We’re a Dictatorship Now, Deal With It dismissal order, only he did so using fancy legal terminology and far less swearing than the situation called for, in my humble opinion. Seems Turkey’s Favorite Unregistered Agent isn’t quite off the hook just yet, ain’t that a shame?
Brian Kemp’s shitty Reese’s Cup of voter suppression and criminal incompetence didn’t stop nearly a million Democrats from voting in Georgia’s primary on Tuesday, and between this and the recent Wisconsin SCOTUS election, you almost hope Republicans don’t figure out how much their anti-democracy shenanigans are backfiring on them until it’s too late. Turns out people don’t like having their rights stolen by fascist fuckheads, who knew?
Speaking of Georgia, it looks like the United States Congress is about to be blessed with its very first Qnatic! That’s right, one of these 4chan-radicalized fuckwits is going to be counted among the elite 535 who make the laws the rest of us have to follow, because some gibbering nutcase named Marjorie Taylor Greene won her primary in a safe red district, so if you thought the Republican Party was getting the teeeeeeensiest bit saner or less hateful when Steve King finally got airlocked, I’m afraid I have some bad news.
The whole shitshow of these last four years has played out like somebody asked Clarence from It’s a Wonderful Life to show them a world where the United States was run by Hitler, Only Also the Biggest Loser in the World. Exhibit 43,256: Weehands McNodick actually had his lawyers demand the retraction of a CNN poll showing Smilin’ Joe Biden taint-punting his fascist ass all the way to the fucking sun. (CNN responded by laughing directly in his face, of course.) He’s about one Adderall overdose from suing Objective Reality, something I imagine he’ll try around, oh, say, November 4th.
You may recall that one story about Skidmark, Jr. traveling to Mongolia on the taxpayer dime to kill a rare, borderline-endangered breed of sheep (this is the kind of activity a particular sort of pathetic, insecure rich boy periodically undertakes to fill the void where most people have a sense of self-worth). Well, a watchdog group finally tracked down the bill, and it turns out it wasn’t the taxpayer dime so much as the taxpayer $75 grand. Little man, literally no one anywhere is impressed with your ability to point your sad little rich boy gun at an animal and end its life; you are not the Great White Hunter, you’re a shitty manchild who still can’t grow a proper beard. Give us our fucking money back, and maybe we’ll go easy on the criminal charges once your dirtbag dad loses the legal immunity of his office.*
The Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Upper Lip claims to want to blow the whistle on his old boss’ many crimes, but of course refused to do so in the one setting that might have actually made a difference for the country (testifying under oath before Congress in their impeachment inquiry), opting instead to keep the juicy stuff secret until he could personally profit from his insider gossip. Now he’s in a slap fight with the Shart House over alleged classified information in his new book, and honestly, fuck everybody involved in this bloodthirsty douchebag circle jerk. Fuck your book, John, and fuck you. We’ll get any new information from news coverage without paying for your self-aggrandizing memoir, and you can battle it out with Dinesh D’Souza over space on the remainder table.
I confess I’m worried about my canine-owning readers, particularly regarding your beloved companions’ aural health, because the dog whistles are so frequent and so loud these days it’s gotta be tough on a pooch. See, the Grifter Grand Wizard isn’t exactly being subtle, launching his Klan Rallies Are Back Bay-Bee tour on Juneteenth, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, site of the most horrific race massacre in American history. For a campaign that’s further down in the polls than it’s ever been to burn their first in-person event in weeks on possibly the least-swingable state in the union should tell you how important it is for Hairplug Himmler to be seen as the candidate of violently-enforced white supremacy.
Oh and by the way, you need to sign a fucking waiver just to gain admission to this bigot mosh pit. Yeah, that’s right, acknowledging that the spittle from your bleachermate’s LOCK HER UP chants might just wind up costing you your life, you must agree to grant your Turd Emperor legal immunity for inviting you to a party in a Petri dish in the first place. You see why he loves the poorly educated now, don’tcha?
Incidentally, another rally, the replacement riot for the official RNC will, unbelievably, take place on yet another anniversary of yet another monstrous act of white supremacist violence, in this case the “Ax Handle Saturday” attack in Jacksonville, Florida. This shit must have Stephen Miller cackling like the Wicked Witch of the W…of the South, now that I think of it.
Like, I get that you can’t run on your record when your record is a fetid, oozing mound of failure, economic carnage, and death, but surely Team Treasonweasel can offer something better than YOU’LL PRY THE NAMES OF CONFEDERATE GENERALS ADORNING MILITARY BASES OUT OF MY COLD, DEAD, LAUGHABLY SMALL AND INADEQUATE HANDS, right?
On the one hand, it’s amazing, this flock of buttholes’ inability to read the fucking room, and I certainly won’t stand in the way as they take ever more electoral jackhammers to their already-battered scrotums, but seriously, the shift towards the BLM movement is so seismic even fucking NASCAR is banning the Confederate flag, while these dolts trot Larry Kudlow out to proclaim systemic racism is imaginary, and put Stephen Miller’s id in charge of the campaign calendar. They own-goal so much, there’s no need for an opposing goalie. Or even an opposing team, honestly.
Caving to the reality that their once-mighty political party has devolved into a post-policy, post-decency, post-ever-thinking-about-anything mob, the GOP officially decided, “fuck it, let’s just cut-and-paste the 2016 platform rather than making a new one, which would be hard.“ I mean, I guess I appreciate the confession that they’re just a cult of personality now. “Trump 2020: Hate is all we got, take it or leave it.”
Joint Chiefs Chairman Mark Milley apologized for his role in Tangerine Idi Amin’s Big Tuff Dictator Boy floor show, in which his uniform served as a gaudy prop that told the discerning fascist at home, “yes, this tyrannical assault on peaceful American protesters comes with the full stamp of approval of the United States military.” Good. If it makes Littlefinger hesitate before crossing another line, the republic may just survive.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag sure is getting mighty saucy these days, isn’t he? Steve-O wants America to understand that NO, he isn’t gonna put Harriet Tubman on the twenty-dollar bill, and NO, we won’t shut down the economy again no matter how large the COVID-19 mass graves get, and for good measure, NO there won’t be any transparency for the $500 billion in coronavirus bailout payments, because shit, we’ve got enough trouble without the electorate learning about all the money we handed over to the President’s cronies while Main Street suffered and went broke. “We’re basically in run-out-the-clock mode now, we’re either getting away with all this shit, or the hammer’s coming down anyway,” Mnuchin said, before writing another check to his trophy wife so that she’ll agree to be seen in public with him this weekend.
Even as his Generalissimo at St. John’s stunt blows up in his face, making it increasingly likely that his re-election campaign joins his airline, his casino, his university, and his fashion sense in the Trump Endeavors Graveyard, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot continues to believe he’s absolutely killing it with this whole violent authoritarianism thing. Whether using that touted branding genius to rechristen the Secret Service as the S frickin’ S, or drooling all over his chin while describing the National Guard moving against protesters “like a knife cutting butter,” he continues to pimp himself as the not so much “law and order,” but “jackboot on the libs’ necks” candidate. Gross.
Bless his tiny, evil, cholesterol-soaked heart, he really thinks this is going well for him. Anyway, he’s gonna fix this “racism” thing right away, lickety-split. Just like North Korea. And trade. And the Big Dumb Wall. And health care. And the FUCKING PANDEMIC. He alone can fix it, remember?
It seems unapologetic white nationalism ain’t the brand it used to be, because Whinging Mediocrity Tucker Carlson is hemorrhaging advertisers again. I guess we’re supposed to act like Papa John’s and Disney weren’t essentially sponsoring the KKK’s rec league baseball team for years now, but welcome to the 21st century, I suppose. Anyway, poor Liar Tuck may have to subsist on nothing but his inherited Salisbury steak money and his boundless hatred from now on, how tragic.
Turmoil in the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus, as many leading MAGAts are encouraging Boss Turdworm to fire Brad Parscale, replacing him with some other grifting incompetent shitweasel. Seems a bit like putting an ad on Craigslist for a new pilot ten minutes after the last engine explodes, but whatever.
So, apparently a new book about Melania (dear gawd, I would rather chew glass than read such a thing) reveals that, in the early days of the Turd Reich, she blackmailed the Shart of the Deal into renegotiating her pre-nup, refusing to join him in Washington until she got what she wanted. So weird that this “master negotiator” has been run ragged by everyone from China to Chuck n’ Nancy for years, isn’t it? Anyway, I’m grateful that previous incidents of Trumpal humiliation led me to surgically reinforce my diaphragm, otherwise I would have seriously injured myself laughing at this one.
…and then the story of Devin Nunes’ setbacks in the legal fight he picked with a cow on Twitter would surely have killed me.
On the anniversary of the Pulse nightclub shooting, the We’re Absolute Bastards We Thought You’d Be Used to That By Now Administration finalized a rule removing nondiscrimination protections for LGBTQ patients, particularly transgender Americans, in the health care system, yes right in the middle of the pandemic, because hurting people is the only thing they know how to do, and also the only thing they’re interested in doing. I do believe I’ll vote for Joe Biden.
And in other news, the coronavirus completely disappeared, and stopped killing people, simply because it fell out of the front page headlines OH WAIT THAT ISN’T HOW DISEASES WORK, IS IT?
Good gravy, I can’t wait for the day when this blog is just “President Biden mistakenly referred to the Senate Majority Leader as ‘Buck Schumer,’ otherwise everything’s still nice n’ quiet.” Until such time, pray the beer supply chain holds up, friends, or I won’t be able to guarantee my sanity. As ever, stay safe out there. See y’all next week.
*We will not go easy on the criminal charges, but there’s no reason to tell Junior that.