Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Trump Junior Drops His Mixtape, “2 Dumb 2 Collude”
Remember the days when you could read the news without wearing sterilized gloves? When you could check in on the various shenanigans and goings-on of the movers and shakers without needing bulk quantities of hand sanitizer and bleach nearby?
Fuck, do we HAVE to keep covering the ever-grossening* depths of the goddamn Roy Moore story? I’m retching like I’ve got food poisoning on a roller coaster on board an ill-fated Carnival Triumph cruise.
…fine, let’s get this over with.
Steve Bannon dispatched what we’re told are “two of Breitbart News’ top reporters” (which I assume to mean “the two guys at the office without Velcro shoes”) to Alabama on a mission to discredit Moore’s accusers, which is…y’know…not what a journalist’s fucking job is, you pockmarked rummy creep.
Maybe somebody can make a Tarantino-knockoff movie called Breitbart Alabama Hit Squad. It can star badly-aging 90’s heartthrobs as the “reporters,” think a meth-addled Macaulay Culkin, maybe Jonathan Taylor Thomas with a bulging goiter, and in a special cameo as Bannon himself…Kevin Spacey.
Breitbart’s Discount Propaganda for the White, Angry, & Stupid opened a second front in the War to Protect a Serial Child Molester Because I Guess That’s What Conservatism Does Now, exposing the Washington Post for…DOING JOURNALISM.
Yeah, the big scoop is that the WaPo reporters REACHED OUT TO A SOURCE IN THE MOORE STORY and ASKED HER TO GO ON THE RECORD. Embarrassing, ain’t it?
I’m not making this up. I’m gonna do something I would ordinarily never do, and link to the Breitbart article itself. Look at that shit. It’s like they’re pimping some big exposé on taxi drivers, breathlessly proclaiming, “The drivers inevitably TURN ON THEIR METERS before driving the passenger to A PRE-AGREED-UPON DESTINATION.” Just sad.
Anyway. Another Moore accuser came forth, holding a press conference with attorney Gloria Allred this afternoon, and Jesus Christ, her story is disturbing. She tells of Moore trying to rape her, when she was SIXTEEN YEARS OLD, then abandoning her by a dumpster, taunting her that nobody would ever believe her, because he’s a Big Fancy Lawyer Man, and she’s just the teenage waitress he tried to rape.
Moore insists he never met the girl, never went even went to the restaurant, which raises the question of just how he wound up SIGNING HER FUCKING YEARBOOK, which is something regular, non-pedophile adults do all the time, right? No?
Hey. To anybody out there who needs this explained (and I’ve had some crazy gross conversations online these last few days, with some dudes who don’t see any problems with Moore’s behavior), IF YOU’RE A GROWN-ASS MAN AND SHE HAS A FUCKING YEARBOOK, keep your filthy hands off of her, okay?
Local Alabama reporting supports the narrative that Moore did indeed hang around malls, high school football games, and yes, restaurants, looking for teenage girls to pick up. Because he’s a CHILD MOLESTER.
And yet, somehow this serial pedophile still has defenders. Can we all agree that Getting Kicked Out of Shopping Malls For Being a Skeevy Old Creep disqualifies one for public office? Please? Can we just meet at Appomattox and sign a document agreeing on that one, tiny, patch of shared morality?
Seen this Flawless Specimen of Southern Manhood? Look at this fucker. He’s like somebody carved a Jabba the Hutt sculpture out of Crisco and left it out on the porch overnight.
Anyhow, Frankenpervert here helpfully compares sexually assaulting a 14-year-old to “stealing a lawnmower,” which I think demonstrates precisely how much the Southern Conservative Male values his fellow humans, when those fellow humans happen to be female.
Now, some folks on Team Shart want to send the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, back to his home state to campaign for his old seat as a write in. Neat double-whammy there, as it gives you the chance to appoint a shiny new Attorney General who hasn’t recused himself from any ol’ thing, and can therefore fire Bob Mueller.
Gotta keep an eye on these weasels, is all I’m sayin’.
Mitch McConnell earned widespread plaudits for saying he believes Moore’s accusers, as though this isn’t a politically convenient opportunity to destroy a man he knew would be a constant pain in his ass. Yertle ain’t “woke,” folks, he’s just crafty as fuck.
Yeah, a few other prominent Republicans issued their condemnations, with varying degrees of severity. My personal favorite was John Cornyn, who was like, “I am a man of mighty principles, and therefore I must withdraw my endorsement of Roy Moore, but if the voters of Alabama decided to elect a pedophile against my advice, WHADDYA GONNA DO, RIGHT?”
Jeff Flake (R-Outtahere) went so far as to say “Yeah, let’s vote for the Democrat over the child molester,” which counts as a controversial statement these days, because 2017 is an endless parade of horrors. Cory Gardner said that if Moore wins, the Senate should immediately expel him, or, if that proves legally dubious, just haze the motherfucking shit out of him until he leaves. (Hazing in the Senate consists primarily of forcing the pledge to spend ungodly amounts of time in the company of Ted Cruz.)
I wanna talk about something else. Anything else. Let’s talk about something else, huh?
There was a little piece about how nobody can figure what Omarasa actually does in the Shart House beyond throw little parties for herself and draw an exorbitant government salary.
Most days, I’d be outraged by a story like that. Today, I find it refreshingly non-nauseating.
Yeah, let’s spend some time with garden-variety corruption. Good, clean, grifting. Like, you remember when those Cowboy Ryan Zinke buddies landed that sweet/ridiculous no-bid government contract to dick around in Puerto Rico for a bit in exchange for All the Money?
Well, the Failing New York Times reports the good ole boys at Whitefish are charging the government, excuse me, YOU the taxpayer, $319/hour for linemen, while passing just 63 bucks of that down to the actual linemen, and pocketing these rest. SWEET GRIFT, WHITEFISH BOYS.
And one of Sharty McFly’s cartoonishly-unqualified judicial nominees, the one who’s never tried a single fucking case, failed to disclose that he’s married to one of President’s lawyers.
Sure. Fine. While we expend all our energy keeping the pedophiles out, I guess the merely corrupt sneak by us. Shit, in a couple of months, they’ll probably slap a clown wig and a fake mustache on Seb Gorka, try and get him confirmed to the D.C. Circuit Court.
Word from the Big Fancy Grown Up Asia trip is that every world leader now understands that if you just kiss the Shart’s spraytanned ass a little bit, he’ll merrily roll over and give you whatever the fuck you ask for, hell, he’s only in it for the emoluments $$$$ at this point.
And to that end, murderous autocrat Rodrigo Duterte serenaded President Crotchvoid with a love song? Sure, why not?
The American President sat next to a petty nickel dictator like Duterte and laughed along with him as he shut down/threatened the press, and the Founders wept. The Shart House claims the two leaders discussed human rights issues, but Duterte’s spokesman said, “Nope.”
That’s our Commander in Chief. Cucked by a third-world strongman. I’m sure you’re proud.
The Congressional GOP desperately wants to sneak their massive Let’s Give Everybody’s Money to the Wealthy tax “reform” bill through before anybody knows what’s happening (especially now that the Alabama senate seat is in jeopardy.) Now the CBO says they’re moving so fast there won’t be time to score it. CALL YOUR CONGRESSFUCKZ!
And while we’re focused on perverts and tweets and petty thievery, the American-supported coalition in Syria allowed hundreds, maybe even thousands, of ISIS soldiers to escape Raqqa in exchange for a cessation of hostilities.
Yup. The forces we supply and support let a fucking ISIS ARMY get away.
No, that’s not quite right. The forces we supply and support HELPED A FUCKING ISIS ARMY get away.
Oh, and what’s this? Tonight we learned, via Julia Ioffe at the Atlantic, that Don the Con’s idiot son, despite his many denials, was in secret contact with WikiLeaks during the 2016 election. All kinds of poor-man’s Tom Clancy here, including a suggestion that Junior get ahold of a page or two of pa’s tax returns that Julian “Hidin’ Out From Them Rape Charges” Assange could then leak to present a slim veneer of impartiality, so as not to seem to be quite so openly ratfucking for Uncle Vlad.
Oh, and there’s fun stuff with Assange whispering in Junior’s ear to take a wrecking ball to American democracy by getting Daddy to refuse to concede if he lost. Remember all that talk of “rigging?”
Assange expected some lofty payments for his services, by the way. He wanted Dorito Mussolini to force Australia to name him their ambassador to the U.S., having apparently gone totally stir-crazy after re-reading the same four Reader’s Digests in the Ecuadorian Embassy lobby for years. “I would also like to be named Princess of Fantasia! You will forge me a scepter of the finest mithril, and a throne of dragonbone! Also, I haven’t had a fucking Twinkie in three years, man, HELP A BROTHER OUT!”
Shart, Jr., because he is a stupid, stupid, boy, shared the Assange exchanges on his own twitter account, because….because….FUCK, y’all, I can’t even finish that sentence. I literally cannot imagine how you can be SO FUCKING STUPID as to publicly confess to conspiracy, aiding and abetting, god knows what else. You would have to a goddamn gerbil to fathom this puddingbrained dope’s thought process.
Politico tells us that Steve Bannon and Sheldon Adelson are fighting, and if there’s any way I can help these two resolve their differences, I want them to know they can borrow my small-but-sturdy hammer collection.
And now it looks like Jeff Sessions wants to turn the entire goddamn United States Department of Justice in a cudgel to attack President Scrotumfungus’ political enemies. Word is, he’s looking at appointing a special counsel (Which I have to assume will be a goateed Mirror Universe Robert Mueller) to look into the right wing loonosphere’s favorite WHY DID HILLARY CLINTON SMUGGLE 20% OF THE NATION’S URANIUM TO RUSSIA IN THE FAKE HOT SAUCE BOTTLE SHE KEEPS IN HER PURSE TO PANDER conspiracy.
And hey, if the President has unethically meddled in the process by calling for just such an investigation, and if Ol’ Beau is only accommodating him to hold onto his job for another month or so, well…Democracy had a pretty good run in the Western Hemisphere, don’tcha think?
Alright, folks. I can’t take another minute of this shit. I’m gonna go smoke a bunch of oregano and watch Ken Russell movies until I pass out.
*I can make up words on my own blog. You don’t like it, leave a note in the complaint box. What complaint box? Exactly.