Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Turks Trick Trump, Transform Trust to Treachery
Well, if you had “it’ll get worse before it gets better” in your office pool, you won a bunch of money, cuz holy fuck, things’re BAD out there, my friends. In my great and unmatched drunkenness, I shall attempt to guide you through this shitshow; safety most definitely not guaranteed.
Ron Johnson, hot off his “Oops I helped make the case for impeachment” interview with the Wall Street Journal, staggered out onto Meet the Press in an attempt to paper over his Turd Emperor’s well-documented, publicly-confessed, crimes with a half-hearted regurgitation of conspiracy theories ridiculous enough to make Alex Jones roll his eyes*, only to run into the buzzshaw that is Chuck Todd 2.0. RoJo doesn’t trust his own country’s law enforcement agencies, but his faith in the comments section of patriotspooj.magapants is unshakable.
Snarling Incest Aficionado Rudy Giuliani is all in on the conspiracy theories, too, manically waving around printouts from fringe websites, loudly insisting they are actual affidavits. That’s how confident this cabal is that their well-trained rube army will unquestioningly swallow any lie they’re fed. And you know what? They’re probably right.
Now, Rudy may be a traitor his nation, he may be a propaganda-spewing thug working to destroy everything that’s good and true about the United States of America, but you have to hand it to him: he’s one helluva multi-tasker! I mean, if you’re going all the way to Kiev to strong-arm a vulnerable new government into fabricating dirt on your domestic political foes, why not tack on a side grift, helping your buddies muscle in on the Ukrainian gas business? Two crimes for the price of one!
Rick Perry woke up Saturday morning wondering, “shit, how’d this big fat honkin’ BUS wind up on top of me?” as the Pharaoh with Feeble Phalanges decided to engage in a rousing game of Pin the Scandal on the Energy Secretary. While Professor Smartguyglasses might not be responsible for the his boss’ impeachable misconduct, he certainly seems to have been a very naughty boy in his own right, prodding the new Ukrainian government to fill the board of their state-owned gas/energy company with powerful GOP donors, because let’s face it, dividing the world up among the plutocrat class is what Republicans are for!
The Failing New York Times published an amusing little exploration of the moral devolution of former Never-Trump conservatives, such as Erick Erickson and Glenn Beck, who happily abandoned their so-called principles for money, and honestly not even that much money. Read it, if only to feel good about yourself for actually believing in things.
Did you see the fun little story about the Customs and Border Protection officer who menaced a journalist, refusing to turn over his passport until he “confessed” to writing “propaganda?” Friends, this is the behavior of an aspiring concentration camp guard, the petty tyranny of tiny, rage-contorted, soul, infected by President Crotchrot’s anti-press rhetoric, delighting in the small bit of power delegated to him to abuse. And this hardly seems to be an isolated incident.
North Korea called off nuclear talks with the Shart of the Deal, and all America got was this lousy challenge coin. Sources say Kim Jong-un sent Trump a package containing some of Otto Warmbier’s personal effects and a handwritten note which reads, “Hey, thanks for all those photos of me standing, side-by-side, as equals, with the President of the United States, in return for which I gave you not one thing beyond the fleeting, nonsensical, hope of Nobel Prize, I can’t fucking BELIEVE you fell for that shit, anyway we’re gonna go test some more missiles now, cuck!”
Seems Bronco Billy Barr is generating some backlash with his global Lie About the Mueller Investigation or Else tour, possibly even threatening America’s most vital intelligence-sharing relationships. What’s truly amazing is, this isn’t anywhere near the biggest story today about this blundering flock of rectums blowing up relationships with our closest allies.
I don’t think Boris Johnson has quite managed to make all of Great Britain tip over and fall into the sea yet, but it certainly doesn’t hurt to check every hour or so.
Lawyers for Whistleblower the First announced that they are indeed now representing at least one additional whistleblower, and if Weehands McNodick isn’t careful, these things’re gonna multiply like fucking tribbles. Yapping Fascist Sidekick Lindsey Graham says he’ll force the whistleblowers, even if there’re a thousand of ‘em, to reveal their identities and testify publicly, which is, of course, a violation of the laws that protect whistleblowers from retaliation, and it’s maybe not a great sign that GOP Senators are already so giddy to ignore the law.
As for the whistleblower problem, with all due respect to Elizabeth Warren, Donnie Dotard has a plan for that, and that plan is to drastically reduce National Security Council staff in order to limit the number of potential witness to his his tele-crimes. Now, that’s a move that only makes sense if you’re willing to risk the security of the United States and all her citizens for you own petty, selfish, motivations, but you’d have to be a complete and total sociopath to…oh right.
Ongoing illegal coverup efforts notwithstanding, the Velveeta Vulgarian is allegedly worried about the effect of impeachment on his good name. Yeah, one more of the pimples on the leathery old man ass of your reputation has popped, adding its own uniquely foul dribble of pus to the tapestry of ooze, filth, and sweaty butt hair that is your “legacy.”
And so we continue our lonely wait for C’mon Just One Teeny Bit of Love of Country for Fuke’s Sake from Senate Republicans. Willard Romney tweeted a couple of things suggesting he might believe the rule of law is at least kinda okay, and now Government Cheese Goebbels wants to impeach him and the station-wagon-with-a-dog-crate-on-top he rode in on, even though you cannot impeach Senators, but look, you can’t expect a man who can’t figure out how to close an umbrella to understand these things. Susan Collins and Ben Sasse are experimenting with standing up to treasonous tyranny, but their muscles have largely atrophied from inactivity, so they’ll require a bit of rehab. Ohio’s Rob Portman speaking out? Now THAT’S interesting.
House Democrats subpoenaed the Pentagon and the Office of Management and Budget for records pertaining to the Treasonweasel Administration’s attempts to blackmail Ukraine with aid, in a move that highlights the conflict between my desire to be thorough, and the nigh-impossible task of saying anything even remotely amusing about this sort of procedural jousting.
Like the thing in New York, where a federal judge curb-stomped Shartolo Colon’s bullshit lawsuit attempting to hide his tax returns, only to have a stay of the subpoena immediately granted by an Appeals Court. See? It’s important, but it’s just not funny. It’s pretty good news that his “I’m above the law neener neener neener” argument got thoroughly crapped upon, though.
Still another judge ordered the Shart House to preserve all records of Fat Q*Bert’s communications with foreign leaders, but he was wearing a really silly hat when he ruled, I promise.
Hey, I guess the Chinese government has veto power over Americans’ free speech rights, at least in the NBA, that’s fun! Now, the crime spree based out of the West Wing seems like a bigger deal to me, but then, I am not Marco Rubio.
In another fun sign of how awesome things are in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka, House Democrats are considering extraordinary measures to conceal the whistleblower’s identity during his testimony, to prevent their Rethuglican colleagues from illegally leaking it to Tangerine Idi Amin’s primed-for-violence zombie base. My forthcoming novel, Love in a Time of Stochastic Terror, will be available next spring, accompanied by an audiobook version voiced by infinite monkeys eternally shrieking.
Y’know, thinking about it for a bit, Strawberry Shartcake’s legacy might not wind up being that of The Guy Who Got Impeached. Suddenly the obituary headline is looking more and more like He Was a Bugling Traitor Who Permanently Destroyed America’s Credibility and Abandoned Her Closest Allies to be Slaughtered by a Genocidal Autocrat.
Yes, in the greatest betrayal of his seven decades of treachery, the Bonespur Buttplug helpfully held the door open for Turkey’s Tayyip Erdoğan to invade northern Syria and butcher the Kurds, who have been fighting and dying alongside American troops for years. Yeah, thanks for the gallons of blood you’ve shed for us, but you didn’t offer the Grifter Grand Wizard permission to build one of his tacky-ass buildings in your territory, so really, you had it coming.
Appalling as this is already is, it gets even worse. Earlier, the U.S. had successfully lobbied the Kurds to dismantle their defenses against the Turks, in favor of American guarantees of security. Got that? We tricked these people into unilaterally disarming, and then handed them over to their enemies on a fucking plate. The casual evil of that staggers me. No one will ever trust this country again. No one should.
Oh, by the way, if you were wondering what the Kurds had been doing to pass the time lately, well, they’ve been fighting ISIS, and holding 12,000 suspected terrorist prisoners, on our behalf. They won’t have time for that now, what with the whole “staving off genocide” thing, so that means the terrorist caliphate gets a much needed breather, and time to recover, recuperate, and plot more terrorist attacks. I gotta admit, having a President who does pro-ISIS shit is kinda zany.
From all indications, this historic betrayal is the result of a single phone call, in which our perpetually-overmatched “master negotiator” caved completely to an authoritarian goon, casually abandoning America’s every interest in the region, without consulting a single soul who might actually be able to tell their ass from a hole in the ground. Shit, Erdoğan probably just complimented the dolt on the turnout at one of his rallies, offered to have hookers piss in the bed Obama slept in when he visited in 2009, and then confidently provided the precise coordinates of the troops he wanted his trained dog to withdraw.
And so, with the public blessing of the President of the United States of America, today, the Turkish government began murdering the brave people who have been our loyal allies for so long, according to reports.
The President of the United States used the power of his office to deliberately harm national security, and benefit ISIS. Benefit Iran. Benefit Russia.
Suddenly, Republicans from Liz Cheney to Nikki Haley to Wrinkly Gamera himself have woken up and realized, “say, this Trump fellow is rather reckless!” Poor Lindsey Graham, who re-sells his soul daily, who chased millions of women permanently out of the GOP so Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet could have his precious SCOTUS pick, didn’t even merit a phone call. He broke up with your policy by tweet, you pathetic stooge.
Unbelievably, in the middle of a day when he was taking bipartisan fire for doing Putin’s bidding, the Kompromat Kid couldn’t stop himself from checking another item off the Xmas list Vlad had hopefully mailed to Santa Trump, trying to pull the U.S. out of the Open Skies treaty.
Dear God in Heaven, can somebody IMPEACH THIS MOTHERFUCKER BEFORE HE GETS US ALL KILLED?
Yeah, it’d be pretty cool if we could take care of this clown before he figures out he can change the news cycle by raffling off nuclear warheads in downtown Damascus, but that would require Republicans to stand up to the hate mob they call their base, so I’m just gonna go ahead and start drinking now. Rest up, Resisters, you’ll need every ounce of strength you can muster before this shit’s done.
*If he could, though I’m told Jones will need to auction off his eyes to cover his legal fees.