TODAY IS THE BIG DAY!

Your Friendly Neighborhood Shower Cap has put together a special page just for you to keep track of the results as they come in throughout the evening. We’ll be updating it every 15 mins or so so keep your finger on the refresh button and keep those beers a-crackin’. Oh yeah, and DON’T FORGET TO VOTE TODAY.

Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms

Hey hey, Shower Captives, it’s finally here! Your scorecard for the 2018 midterm elections!

Poke around a bit, meet the awesome slate of candidates we’re fielding to take Congress back from the collaborating rat finks of the GOP. They’re a good crew; help ‘em out however you’re able. Donate. Phone bank. Volunteer. Spread the word.

Maybe you’ll want to support the candidates who inspire you. Maybe you’d rather concentrate on defeating the jaggiest Republican scumbags. Maybe you’ll want to focus on all the badass women running for office. Maybe you’ll scour the ratings and the polling, and work for the candidates in the closest races. It’s a free fuckin’ country, do whatever you want, but please, do what you can.

And keep checking back, this page is most definitely a work in progress. I’ll be adding new races and new candidates as the primaries resolve, as ratings shift, and as I sober up enough to actually write.

We’re gonna have governor’s races. We’re gonna have funnel cake and a dunk tank. It’s gonna be so very very rad.

Browse by Election Type

Introducing Shower Cap’s Midterms Six Packs!

While all our candidates are awesome, you might not have time to browse through several dozen races. Fear not, Shower Cap has got your back. We’ve prepared these special candidate Six Packs to help you focus your activism!

Holy shit, there are so many kickass women running for office this year, we need five pages to cover ’em all!

Or Use This Handy MAP to Get Around

This page is LONG, but you can jump to the election you’re interested in by clicking the pins on the map. Hover on a pin to see more details.

House Races

This is it, folks, the Battle for the House! If we flip 23 seats, we can pry the committee gavels out of the grubby little mitts of the likes of Devin Nunes and Jeb Hensarling. Open real investigations into Trump’s many crimes. Take control of the budget. Name the post offices after who WE wanna name ‘em after, goddammit!

Just for right now, I’m focusing on Congressional districts that rank as toss-ups or better, but I’ll be adding Republican-leading races as soon as I have fucking time. Go ahead, dive in, meet the team!

The Good Guy

Colin Allred

Colin Allred has been a linebacker in the NFL, a Special Assistant at HUD, and a civil rights attorney, and he’s still only 35. He’s looking to carry his experience as a voting rights litigator to the U.S. Congress, where his voice is desperately needed. All kinds of good good stuff in Colin’s platform, from a minimum wage hike to universal pre-K. Plus it might be good to have somebody on Capitol Hill that can tackle Wee Don if he tries to start a nuclear war or something.

Texas

TX-32

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

 

 

The Bad Guy

Pete Sessions

Pete Sessions is, frankly, corrupt as fuck. From taking shady loans to steering fat government contracts to old buddies for “dirigible research” (You’re probably thinking I made that up. Nope.), Pete-O is is essentially a walking Mel Brooks caricature. He’s also a raging bigot, a Trump lackey, and an NRA goon. He’s opposed the ACA, the Violence Against Women Act, marijuana legalization, and even fucking HURRICANE RELIEF BILLS. This is our best chance yet to kick this shitty, shitty, dude out of Congress, and we should make the most of it.

The Good Gal

Cindy Axne

So, Cindy Axne found her way to politics in the best possible way; she encountered a problem that needed solving, (in this case, a lottery system for half- vs. all-day kindergarten in West Des Moines) and decided to put on her shit-kicking boots and solve it herself. A small business owner, Axne is running a campaign laser-focused on the needs of the Iowa 3rd, which is just how it oughta be done. This one’ll be a nail-biter, and Cindy could use your help.

Iowa

IA-03

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

David Young

Researching these entries, I was surprised at just how little information of consequence is out there on David Young, a two-term U.S. CongressDope. Another bland, tax-cuts-for-the-wealthy white dude, David is the walking definition of “backbencher.” His Wikipedia page is just a photograph of cold oatmeal. I see he wants to cut funding for Planned Parenthood, that sucks. Iowa, don’t you deserve better than Mr. Cellophane?

The Good Gal

Carolyn Bourdeaux

Carolyn Bourdeaux is a professor at Georgia State and a former Director of Georgia’s Senate Budget and Evaluation Office, with public administration experience at all levels of government. Like so many of our candidates, Bordeaux has seen how the American health care system can devastate the pocketbook, and she couldn’t stand aside while her CongressJerk worked diligently to take health insurance away from so many, so she figured she’d just have to replace him. Yes, it’s the South, but this is the sort of suburban district we can pick up in a Blue Wave.

Georgia

GA-07

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Rob Woodall

Rob Woodall used to work for a right-wing idiot CongressFuck before becoming a right-wing idiot CongressFuck himself. Rob is generally just one one more useless Ryan/Trump footsoldier, which means, yes, he voted to steal his constituent’s health care. He also voted to cut his wealthy donor’s taxes, which makes sense, cuz Rob raises only 3% of his campaign funds form real people; the rest is all PACs and the uber-rich.

The Good Guy

Anthony Brindisi

Anthony Brindisi is only a little older than me, and he’s already been in the New York State Assembly since 2011, plus now he’s looking to graduate to the majors. Whereas I dress up in a mask and a bathrobe and tell shart jokes. Can’t say I care for Anthony on guns, but there’s still plenty to like; he’s running on health care, education, women’s rights…well, see for yourself.

New York

NY-22

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Gal

Claudia Tenney

Claudia Tenney SUCKS, y’all. A dutiful little Trumper, she called Congressional Democrats “un-American” for showing insufficient fealty to her Turd Emperor. Tenney gained national fame by pulling the claim that mass shooters tend to be Democrats directly out of her asss. (Claudia is, naturally, an NRA puppet) She’s one of those loons who blames everything on the DEEP STATE, including, I shit you not, Ben Carson’s $31,000 dining set. She also claimed the bullshit GOP tax bill “already paid for” itself, in a genuinely Trumpian display of dumbass mendacity. Even by modern Republican standards, Claudia is hateful, dishonest, and unusually fucking stupid. We deserve better legislators.

The Good Gal

Lisa Brown

Lisa Brown’s killer resume (20 years in Washington politics, rising to the post of Senate Majority Leader, followed by a run as Chancellor of Washington State University Spokane) is matched only by her killer platform (heavy on health care, and, as you’d expect, education, but chock full of other good, good, stuff). Lisa Brown gets shit done, folks. Lisa Brown has been changing the world for decades now. Let’s send her to Washington. Er, no…the other one.

Washington

WA-05

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: LikelyRep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Gal

Cathy McMorris Rodgers

Cathy McMorris Rodgers has been in politics a loooooong time. Too long. How long? In the late 1990’s, when she was in the Washington State legislature, Cathy cosponsored legislation banning gay marriage. These days, she’s driven by a burning hatred of Obamacare; because SURVIVAL IS NOT FOR THE FILTHY TAKERS. She’s a dinosaur. It’s time. Plus, she hangs out with that one pigfucking traitor.

I’m not going to lie to y’all; CMR is in House GOP leadership for a reason; she’s a skilled politician and legislator, one of the most dangerous members of her caucus. This fall, we have our best chance yet at replacing her. Don’t let it go to waste.

The Good Guy

Randy Bryce

Randy “Iron Stache” Bryce was one of the Resistance’s first internet celebrities, constantly taunting Cloned-From-a-Stray-Ayn-Rand-Pube House Speaker Paul Ryan while mounting a long shot bid to unseat him. The ‘Stache is a veteran, a cancer survivor, a union organizer and an iron worker, running on a Bernie-friendly platform, and frankly it’s insane how rarely working-class folks get chosen as lawmakers. Plus, Randy’s taken the novel approach of getting into his legal trouble BEFORE running for Congress, so maybe he’s gotten it out of his system.

Wisconsin

WI-01

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Bryan Steil

Bryan Steil is a corporate attorney (though he disingenuously claims to “work in manufacturing” like your average everyman) looking to continue Paul Ryan’s profits-before-people work. Gross. Hey, read this article to fully appreciate Bryan’s genuinely mind-blowing lack of understanding of issues ranging from health care to budget reform to immigration. Then look at his threadbare issues page. Holy shit this doorknob is not ready for prime time.

The Good Guy

Ammar Campa-Najjar

Ammar Campa-Najjar worked in Obama’s Labor Department, and he isn’t facing any indictments at all! He’s running on protecting DREAMers and the environment, but of course his platform isn’t radically far-left in this ruby-red district. Ammar likely got into this one believing he didn’t have much of a chance, but he could just to be the guy to not only take this seat away from the crook incumbent (who’s so afraid now he’s resorted to some genuinely despicable bigotry), but maybe even hold it for a few terms.

California

CA-50

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Duncan Hunter

Let’s all take a moment to shake our heads at a district SO Republican that a guy can be as obviously corrupt as Duncan Hunter here, and still be favored to win. If Duncan were a character in a movie, you’d think “shit, illegally using campaign funds for rabbit airfare? That’s just silly!” On the issues, he’s wrong about absolutely everting, plus he’s facing a veritable buffet of indictments, and for good measure he’s happy to blame all his legal troubles on the wife he’s been cheating on. Oh, and let’s not forget his vile, throwaway disrespect for the military. Whatta skidmark.

The Good Gal

Kristen Carlson

Kristen Carlson has Ross Spano 31 flavors of outclassed. A lawyer with experience in both the public and private sector, she’s been fighting for her community, and winning, for decades now. Carlson’s most impactful work was done in the orange juice field, and if that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, well, you don’t live in Florida. She’s fighting for health care, gun control…actually, just check out her thoughtful, district-focused, issues page for yourself. Now, this is an expensive media market, and Kristen could really use your help.

Florida

FL-15

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Ross Spano

Wait, Ross Spano is the porn guy? The “Christian,” horny to bring the steely boot of government down on the pornography industry, only to have his own naughty proclivities exposed? Great. In his primary, Ross was the nuttiest, angriest MAGAt in all Florida, but then the polls tightened, and suddenly he’s this bold independent? Sure. An anti-choice fanatic, and a fundamentally dishonest, unethical man, Spano figured anybody with an “R” next to his name would cakewalk here, but he failed to account for how much Ross Spano sucks. Let’s send this jerk home to jerk off. (To PORN, get it?)

The Good Guy

Sean Casten

What better way to fight the anti-science GOP than with a scientist? Sean Casten is a biochemist, and a clean energy entrepreneur. Wouldn’t it be nice to have an environmental warrior in Congress instead of a mush-brained fossil fuel company puppet? Casten is also running on health care and college affordability, and gun control, and…actually, he has an unusually thorough issues page, which you should check out. Detail like that reminds me of Hillary Clinton, and that’s a hefty compliment.

Illinois

IL-06

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Peter Roskam

Peter Roskam is…how shall I put this…a great big smelly butthole. I first encountered Pete during the famous Hilldawg/Benghazi hearing, where he decided to use his platform to bring attention to the heretofore-ignored issue of What a Raging Ignorant Jackass Peter Roskam Is.  Pete was also one of the conservajags who tried to eliminate the independent Office of Congressional Ethics, which is a SUPER-WEIRD thing for a dude who’s faced a significant congressional ethics investigation of his own, isn’t it? He’s a climate change denier and a gun nut, an Obamacare-repealer, an anti-choice fanatic, and a trickle-upper. Vote him off the goddamn planet.

The Good Guy

Gil Cisneros

So, Gil Cisneros was a Navy veteran and a manager at Frito Lay, and then one day, and I swear I’m not making this up, he won TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY SIX MILLION DOLLARS playing the lottery. Me, I would’ve bought a gothic mansion with a super-rad Cap Cave, but Cisneros and his wife dedicated themselves to philanthropy, focusing largely on education, particularly in the Hispanic community. Gil is living proof that even decent people get lucky sometimes, and he’s running to flip the 39th on a solid Democratic platform.

California

CA-39

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Gal

Young Kim

Young Kim wants to keep her old boss Ed Royce’s seat in Republican hands so she can continue his NyQuil-and-Taco-Bell dream of repealing Obamacare and stripping health insurance from millions of Americans. Her issues page is…insultingly sparse and vague. She gave an unsettlingly emotionless statement on the Trump administration’s horrific family separation policy.  Yeah, let’s go ahead and flip this seat.

The Good Gal

Leslie Cockburn

Leslie Cockburn is an award-winning journalist and documentary filmmaker, and wouldn’t it be wonderful to fill Congress with truth-seekers rather than spin doctors? If she could handle Gaddafi, surely Louie Gohmert won’t be much of a challenge. She’s running on health care and environmentalism and college affordability and criminal justice reform and her own life’s work identifying problems and exposing bullshit. Normally you’d need a magic lamp to conjure up a first-time candidate this qualified.

Virginia

VA-05

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Likely Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Denver Riggleman

Denver Riggleman owns a distillery, so it might take some serious shit to get me to turn on him. Oh, he campaigns with white supremacists? He can’t even seem to find the minimal decency it would take to denounce borderline-Klansman Corey Stewart? Yuck. He’s also running as a Freedom Caucuser, and I think that botched experiment has run its course, don’t you? And then there’s the Bigfoot porn thing…yeah, sorry Denver, there’s not enough booze in the world.

The Good Gal

Linda Coleman

Linda Coleman is a former teacher and three-term NC state representative running on health care and education reform and voting rights and raising the minimum wage. See, unlike her opponent, she wants to actually work for her constituents, rather than napping and collecting that sweet Congressman’s paycheck. This one’s not the low-hanging fruit, friends. This is a mighty damn red district, but it’s also a prime target if the blue wave crests high enough. I’ve got a good feeling about this one.

North Carolina

NC-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

George Holding

I looked up George Holding, and the first thing I learned is that he used to work for Jesse Fucking Helms. Lord. This dude’s record is absolutely non-existent, by the way. Three terms in Congress, he hasn’t done much beyond renaming a couple of post offices. Fucker’s OWN WEBSITE can’t list a single thing he’s a achieved in Congress. He doesn’t hold town halls, he doesn’t pass bills, he just votes in lockstep with whatever Ryan and Trump want. Is this guy a Congressman, or a paperweight?

The Good Gal

Angie Craig

Angie Craig has been working her ass off, and fighting her ass off, her whole dang life. She’s been a journalist and a high-powered health care executive. She’s created jobs and fought for (and won) her rights in the courts. Like, if you had a magic lamp and asked for the perfect Congressional candidate, the genie would just point at Angie Craig.  She has the experience, the perspective, and the plan we need to get the country back on the right track.

Minnesota

MN-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Truly Awful Guy

Jason Lewis

Jason Lewis is jackass talk radio host who ran for Congress so he could solve the truly pressing issues of our time, like Why Can’t We Call Women Sluts Anymore? He’s also buds with Rush Limbaugh, and super-duper racist, but I repeat myself. I’d use just three words to describe Jason: Hateful, stupid, and hateful. If you’re looking to flush Trumpism down the Toilet of History, this is your race to target. Of all the House match-ups this year, I don’t know that there’s a bigger decency gap between the candidates than in the Minnesota 2nd.

The Good Guy

Jason Crow

Jason Crow is a veteran of both Iraq, where he earned the Bronze Star, and Afghanistan. He practices law and advocates for veterans through numerous organizations. In a district that’s seen two of America’s most horrific mass shootings, Jason has made gun control one of his campaign’s central issues, and he’s taking on one of the NRA’s favorite Congressmen. Toss in excellent positions on income inequality and health care, and you’ve got yerself a mighty attractive little candidate, CO-06.

Colorado

CO-06

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Mike Coffman

Mike Coffman, to be perfectly honest, isn’t that bad. For a Republican. He stands up to Trump more than most of his caucus does, and there are a couple of issues where he’s almost reasonable. But he’s still a Republican, meaning he’s anti-choice, anti-gun control, anti-LGBT rights, and anti-Obamacare. We can beat him, and I’m while pushing for him to lose, I’m not gonna shit on the guy as hard as the rest of these assclowns.

The Good Gal

Sharice Davids

Sharice Davids makes plenty of headlines, as potentially the first openly LGBTQ Native American Woman in congress, and an MMA fighter, and a lawyer, but there’s so much more to like beyond the biography. Health care, DACA, voting rights, gun control, education…it’s all there. She’s whip smart, tough as nails, and has the sort of real-life experiences and perspective we need to counterbalance all those lawyers and businesstwerps on Capitol Hill.

Kansas

KS-03

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Lean Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Kevin Yoder

Kevin Yoder prides himself on his civility, he really does. So while he’s voting to take away your health care, or to cut his wealthy donors’ taxes, or to spend your money on Wee Don’s Big Stupid Wall, please imagine him tipping his cap and smiling. Since Yoder’s agenda isn’t popular with actual humans, he’s fueled largely by PAC and corporate cash. Anyway, in the end, Kevin is most famous for skinny dipping at a holy site, and the district where Shower Cap grew up fucking well deserves better.

The Good Guy

Paul Davis

Paul Davis has been fighting the good fight as a Democrat in Kansas for quite a while now. He led the state House Democratic Caucus for years, engineering bipartisan compromises, and protecting school funding from that Brownback fanatic. I dig his focus on health care within his district. Paul won this district in his 2014 campaign for governor, and he’s blessed with a useless-as-a-screen-door-on-a-submarine opponent. This one is primed for flippin’, folks.

Kansas

KS-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Steve Watkins

Look at this goon. Steve Watkins’ dad paid for his primary win, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Yeah, Watkins emerged from a crowded field because his rich father gave him a Super PAC for Xmas, and dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars on his race. That’s the entirety of Steve-O’s qualifications: “Daddy bought me this gig.” Fuck, even Republicans see through this fraud and hate him. He’s for all the usual Republican shit, with the added bonus of being a ridiculous little manchild.

The Good Guy

Antonio Delgado

Antonio Delgado is a Rhodes Scholar and a lawyer and now a candidate for the United States Congress, and also he used to be a rapper. Guess which part of that the Fux Nooz crowd (and his dirtbag opponent) is using to frighten old white people? But check out Delgado’s platform, it’s full of good good stuff like protecting and expanding access to health care, defending women’s rights and the environment, and improving education. Because unlike his opponent, Antonio actually wants his constituents’ lives to be, y’know…good.

New York

NY-19

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

John Faso

John Faso is running on rap lyrics because he can’t run on his shitty, shitty record. Or maybe he’s just pissy that his many attempts to repeal Obamacare and strip millions of Americans of their health insurance failed so miserably. He hasn’t been able to help his constituents with their actual problems, so he fear-mongers about fake ones like MS-13, because he’s a racist sack of shit. Let’s end this fuckwad’s career after just one term.

The Good Gal

Kara Eastman

Kara Eastman has spent her entire working life helping people, and you sort of wonder why we don’t choose more lawmakers like her, rather than rich white dudes, right? She’s worked with numerous non-profits, from a battered women’s shelter to the Omaha Healthy Kids Alliance, which she founded and led before running for Congress. Eastman is running an aggressively progressive campaign in this fairly red district, against a freshman who was the only Republican to defeat a Dem incumbent in 2016. We’re gonna learn a lot about Middle America from this one.

Nebraska

NE-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Don Bacon

Don Bacon served the nation in the Air Force for more than 29 years, attaining the rank of Brigadier General. Then he went to Congress to take health care away from the very people he’d been protecting so long, which doesn’t make a lick of sense to me. He opposes women’s rights and LGBTQ rights and the EPA. To Don Bacon, there’s always plenty of money for the military (when all you have is a hammer…) and the GOP’s wealthy donor class, but health insurance for America’s working people? Sorry, chumps.

The Good Guy

Dan Feehan

Dan Feehan is an Iraq veteran (he earned the Bronze Star), a former teacher, and oh yeah, served as an acting Assistant Secretary of Defense under Obama. I love how he always puts his teaching experience on equal footing with his showier credentials, and I love his sincere commitment to the idea of “service.” Feehan’s campaign is laser-focused on his district’s unique needs, which is how things oughta be. Comparing Dan to his opponent is, honestly, like choosing between the ribeye at Gibsons and a dumpster full of used diapers.

Minnesota

MN-01

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Jim Hagedorn

Google Jim Hagedorn, and you’ll find an article wondering if he’s “the worst Republican candidate in America,” and it’s easy to see why. Jimbo stands out as unusually bigoted and misogynistic even in the 2018 GOP, and isn’t that a horrifying thought? He’s actually lost three different elections for this seat already, probably because he’s such a raging idiot/massive asshole. Popular incumbent Tim Walz vacated this seat, and Trump won the district by 15 points, so it seems we’re lucky enough to have stumbled across the one guy jaggy enough to lose this race.

The Good Gal

Abby Finkenauer

Abby Finkenauer is the only Congressional candidate I’ve seen to mention her student loan debt in her campaign bio. Congress tends to be a club full of millionaires, lawyers, and millionaire lawyers, but wouldn’t it be nice to have a few representatives who understand ordinary folks’ problems? Abby’s focused on jobs, education, infrastructure, and health care in her home district, which would represent a zany change from the incumbent’s “rich dude working on behalf of other rich dudes” record.

Iowa

IA-01

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Solid Dem

Roll Call: Lean Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Rod Blum

Rod Blum is a smirking Tea Party jackass who votes with Donald Trump 92% of the time. The stupid, dishonest shit Rod says about the environment is matched only by the stupid, dishonest shit he says about health care. His hobbies including shutting down the government, calling for investigations of Planned Parenthood based on lunatic right-wing conspiracy theories, and violating House ethics rules. Blum is hot garbage, y’all. Let’s kick his sorry ass out.

The Good Gal

Lizzie Pannill Fletcher

Lizzie Pannill Fletcher decided to run for office after attending one of her CongressJag’s town halls. “This useless little dope ain’t shit, I could do better than him,” thought Fletcher, and she was right. Lizzie is a Houston lawyer running to replace the walking archetype of an out-of-touch career party apparatchik. This is one of the real battlegrounds, friends. HRC baaaarely won this district, and if we can win these races in November, we can grind the Trump administration to a halt.

Texas

TX-07

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

John Culberson

John Culberson has been in the House of Representatives since 2001, but you’ve never heard of him because he’s just one more useless, faceless, Republican backbencher. In 17 years, Culberson has accomplished less than a mildly motivated sandwich artist at your neighborhood Subway. A racist birther gun nut, John will keep fighting ACORN until the day he dies, despite the inconvenient detail that ACORN no longer exists. John hates science and the environment and poor people having health care and probably puppies.

The Good Guy

Jared Golden

Jared Golden is a Marine veteran who served in Afghanistan and Iraq. He’s definitely leadership material, having ascended to the post of Assistant Majority Leader in the Maine House of Representatives in just his second term. A PTS survivor, Jared has achieved real, measurable success on behalf of veterans and first responders, in addition to fighting for unions, health care, the environment…this kid’s gonna be a Senator someday.

Maine

ME-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Bruce Poliquin

Bruce Poliquin is something of an anomaly in Republican politics; a rich old white guy who uses his post to cut his own taxes and designate health care as the exclusive right of the privileged. Wait, what does “anomaly” mean again? Bruce truly has his fingers on America’s pulse, though, addressing the issues that matter most, like the time he introduced a bill to…wait, to ban convicted terrorists from getting food stamps? Where do they FIND these people? (Oh, and he’s a giant NRA stooge, too.)

The Good Guy

Josh Harder

Josh Harder, at just 30 years old, gave up his career as a tech sector venture capitalist to return home to the California 10th to fight for the community he grew up in.  Like so many of our best candidates, Josh is running a local, district-based campaign, focused on making the Central Valley the “agricultural technology capitol of the nation.”  And while his opponent voted for the “health care is only for the wealthy, you peasant scum”  AHCA, Harder’s running on Medicare for All.

California

CA-10

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Jeff Denham

Jeff Denham votes with Donald Trump a pussy/attention-grabbing 97.8% of the time, and yes, that includes the Further Enrichment of the Rich tax bill and the Please Die Quickly You Filthy Takers health “care” bill.  Truth be told, he’s not bad on immigration, for a Republican, but he’s absolute garbage on the environment, women’s rights, and…y’know, basically everything else.

The Good Gal

Katie Hill

Katie Hill is the executive director and deputy CEO of PATH, a statewide organization battling homelessness. A prodigious fundraiser despite rejecting PAC and corporate money, Hill has an impressively detailed issues page, covering topics ranging from health care to campaign finance reform. And you have to like her experience successfully shepherding a pair of important ballot measures, Prop HHH and Measure H.  A proven track record of accomplishment and leadership?  In the U.S. Congress?  MADNESS.

California

CA-25

Political rankings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Steve Knight

Steve Knight is a fairly decent fellow, at least when he’s not threatening protesters. Knight is one of those Republicans who tries to have it both ways on Drumpfy, loudly proclaiming himself “deeply disturbed” by the whole “bragging about sexual assault to Billy Bush” thing, but then voting for the serial assaulter anyway. Steve-O is shitty on the environment, taxes, guns, and health care. For good measure, he thinks Social Security is “a bad idea.”

The Good Gal

Chrissy Houlahan

Chrissy Houlahan served in the United States Air Force and Teach for America.  She’s been a COO and a high school chemistry teacher, and she’s about to be a United States Congresswoman.  Houlahan looked at the fuckery Donald Trump was perpetrating on her beloved country and realized Pennsylvania needed some hardcore badasses to stand up for American values and take the country back.  And then she went, “Oh, hey.  Turns out I’M a hardcore badass.”  In the newly-drawn PA-06, she’s a heavy favorite.

Pennsylvania

PA-06

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Solid Dem

Roll Call: Likely Dem

Cook: Likely Dem

Sabato: Safe Dem

The Bad Guy

Greg McCauley

Greg McCauley is old white guy running on a hard-right immigration platform, so fuck him with a rake.  Hilariously, this 61-year-old was named one of the RNC’s “young guns.” Yeah, he’s a real whippersnapper, and wants to go to D.C. mostly to take health away from the filthy takers, because he sucks a great deal.  Greg hasn’t been able to garner much support, again, because he sucks a great deal.

The Good Guy

Brendan Kelly

Brendan Kelly is a Navy veteran and the State’s Attorney for St. Clair County, Illinois. In that post, he’s taken on big banks and big pharma, in addition to creating new units to prosecute violent crime, and crimes against children. The way I see it, Brendan’s exactly the sort of two-fisted battler we need on Team Blue in Congress. Plus, check out his district-focused action plan.

Illinois

IL-12

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Mike Bost

Mike Bost is the sort of old white dude who still says “Orientals,” apparently. Mike’s pretty bland, actually; just another loyal drone in Paul Ryan’s army. He voted to steal health care from millions, and to make the already-wealthy even wealthier via the GOP tax scam. Choosing between Brendan Kelly and Mike Bost is like choosing between a 25-year-old Scotch and a shot glass full of armadillo piss.

The Good Guy

Andy Kim

Andy Kim is a former national security official who decided to challenge his Congressman when his Congressman tried to strip millions of Americans of their health insurance, because unlike his Congressman, Andy Kim is a decent human being. He’s a Rhodes Scholar. He’s worked for David Petraeus and Barack Obama. He’s served his country from the Pentagon to the White House to Afghanistan. Let’s add Congress to that list, shall we?

New Jersey

NJ-03

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Tom MacArthur

Tom MacArthur has a weird approach to representing his constituents; he votes to raise their taxes and cut their services. This dumbass wrote, and actually slapped his own name on the amendment in the AHCA that repealed protections for folks with pre-existing conditions. If you’re in Tom’s district, for heaven’s sake, lock your doors or he’ll steal your hamster and piss in your ice cube tray. Let’s send this wannabe plutocrat, this fake moderate, home to enjoy the fruits of the tax cut he gave himself.

The Good Gal

Ann Kirkpatrick

You know Ann Kirkpatrick will make a great Representative, because she’s had gig before. Twice, actually. She’s a good, sturdy, Democrat, reliably supporting our priorities on everything from health care to LGBTQ rights, with a special focus on veterans affairs. An associate of Gabby Giffords, she’s become a particularly strong voice on gun control, despite have an A rating from the NRA once upon a time.

Arizona

AZ-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Solid Dem

Roll Call: Lean Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Likely Dem

The Bad Gal

Lea Márquez Peterson

Lea Márquez Peterson has taken the novel “separate the man from the policy” approach to her party and the Turd Volcano who leads it, which is…almost charmingly naive. She hates Obamacare and she loves the Big Stupid Wall. Lea is supposed to be running on her private sector business experience, but that doesn’t seem like a very good idea in her case. Her issues page is phoned-in, and frankly, embarrassing. This a Dem-leaning district that really needs an exceptional candidate, like a Martha McSally, to pull it over to the dark side. Lea Márquez Peterson does not appear to be that candidate.

The Good Guy

Conor Lamb

Remember how good it felt when we all came together to push Conor Lamb over the finish line in his special election? Well, thanks to the un-gerrymandering of Pennsylvania, Conor now finds himself in the only incumbent-vs-incumbent battle in the country. You know him by now; Marine Corps veteran, Assistant U.S. Attorney, Certified Handsome Young Man. You know he’s not the most progressive guy in the party, but he’s good on unions, health care, taxes, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Let’s keep the tent big. Let’s keep Conor Lamb around for a bit.

Pennsylvania

PA-17

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Lean Dem

Cook: Likely Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Keith Rothfus

Keith Rothfus is a…shit, y’all, I’m running out of ways to say “rich white guy who uses his post to cut his own taxes.” He seems to be afraid of his constituents, probably because he’s always trying to take away their health insurance. He’s a bigot and a Trump-enabling coward and a climate change denier and a corporate lackey just like everyone else in the Bigoted Cowardly Climate Change Denying Corporate Lackey, excuse me, the “Freedom” Caucus.

The Good Guy

Mike Levin

Mike Levin is an environmental attorney & activist, ready to go to Washington to slap the snowball right outta Jim Inhofe’s hand. He’s good on guns, the health care, women’s rights, and more. And while Mike might be the slightest bit disappointed that the district’s incumbent Republican retired, since he was positively giddy about the chance to defeat Darrell Issa, I bet he’ll be able to live with taking over his seat.

California

CA-49

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Lean Dem

Cook: Likely Dem

Sabato: Likley Dem

The Bad Gal

Diane Harkey

Diane Harkey thinks guns should have all the rights and LGBT people should have none. Her big idea for fixing the problems facing the nation during these turbulent times is…an 8 p.m. curfew for legislators. I tell a lot of jokes here, but that shit is actually real. A fucking CURFEW. Oh, and her family business was a Ponzi scheme, neat-o!

The Good Gal

Betsy Dirksen Londrigan

Betsy Dirksen Londrigan is running for Congress because she’s lived through the sort of family health care crisis that her opponent wants to bring back. She’s been a teacher, an entrepreneur, an NFP fundraiser and an activist. She’s worked for Dick Durbin AND Abraham Lincoln, IMPRESSED YET? Health care is, of course, at the center of her platform, but all your favorite flavors are there, from education to guns to the farm issues so important to her district.

Illinois

IL-13

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Rodney Davis

Rodney Davis has never worked a day outside of politics. He transitioned from campaign work to Congressional staff, ran for office a couple times, and lost, before finally finding a spot where he could get appointed in a smoky room without having to convince all those pesky voters. Rodney’s particularly afraid of the voters in his district; he does all he can to avoid actually meeting with them. One gets the impression Not-so-Hot Rod doesn’t care much for real people. Maybe that’s why he keeps trying to take away their health insurance.

The Good Gal

Elaine Luria

Oh wow, I like Elaine Luria. A barrier-breaking 20-year Navy veteran, and an entrepreneur, and…hell, read her bio yourself, I can’t do any better. A lifetime of service, experience, and risk-taking. This is what ALL our elected should be like. Elaine has a motto: Be Good, Do Good Work. I tell you what folks, look at the platform, look at the candidate…we have an embarrassment of riches this November, but Elaine Luria might just be my personal favorite.

Virginia

VA-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Scott Taylor

So, Scott Taylor’s supposed to be a moderate. So “moderate” he voted for the AHCA, knowing it would wreck millions of American lives. He also voted for the GOP tax scam, even as he neglected to pay his own taxes. Scotty’s actually super shady, from his business history to his campaign forging signatures in an attempt to get a vote-splitting independent on the ballot. With a borderline Grand Wizard heading the GOP ticket in VA this fall, we’ve got a surprisingly good chance to pick off this seat. Let’s pounce on it.

The Good Guy

Tom Malinowski

Good gravy, I want to see Tom Malinowski in Congress. Tom’s career in public service begins with Patrick Freakin’ Moynihan and rises all the way to Assistant Secretary of State for Democracy, Human Rights, and Labor under Obama, back in the days when decency was still a thing. Malinowski’s record isn’t just admirable, it’s inspirational. America needs this man.

New Jersey

NJ-07

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Leonard Lance

Leonard Lance has been soft-shoeing theatrically to the left lately, fearing accountability from his increasingly anti-Trump constituents. I guess we’re supposed to give him credit for being bad-but-not-horrible on issues like guns, health care, the environment, and LGBT rights, but FUCK THAT, we’ve got a chance to put Tom Malinowski in this seat!  It’s time to boot this 5-term incumbent, because everyone knows Leonard Part 6 SUXXXX.

The Good Gal

Kathy Manning

Kathy Manning is a Harvard-educated lawyer, a small business owner, and a nonprofit sector leader, who’s spent years improving folks’ lives in North Carolina, while her opponent was simply trying to sell them guns. Like so many of our candidates, she’s fighting for better access to health care because her family’s experience has taught her that Americans are more than just numbers on a ledger. This district is pretty dang red, but Manning might just be the candidate to flip it.

North Carolina

NC-13

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Ted Budd

Ted Budd actually OWNS A GUN STORE? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck this spittle-drenched Freedom Caucus loon. This clod is a freshman, so there’s not a lot out there on him beyond that he’s a reliable Drumpf rubber stamp. This race is closer than it has any right to be, possibly cuz Buddy Boy here is about as useful as scuba gear in the Sahara. NRA stooge, Club for Growth stooge, Trump stooge…good gravy this guy sucks.

The Good Guy

Ben McAdams

Ben McAdams has been Mayor of Salt Lake County since 2013, so if any Dem can take this seat, it’s him. I can see why you might not be wild about Ben; he’s personally rather strongly anti-choice, though he has a record of voting against measures that limited access to abortion. He’d be a Blue Dog, and one of the more conservative members of the caucus, that’s true. But look at his record and platform, from health care to DACA to education, and compare it to Mia Love’s. That’s the choice we have in UT-04, and it’s an easy one.

Utah

UT-04

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Gal

Mia Love

Mia Love has this reputation as one of the “rational” Republicans, because she’s to the left of Steve King on immigration, but she’s still anti-choice, anti-environment, anti-gun control, and anti-LGBTQ rights (She’s running against marriage equality. In 2018.), so spare me, okay? Mia made a big show about how she couldn’t vote for Trump, but as his loyal CongressStooge, she votes with him 95% of the time, including on the GOP tax scam, and their attempt to steal health insurance from millions. Just to really burnish those Republican credentials, Love even engaged in some shady campaign finance fuckery.

The Good Gal

Lucy McBath

Of all our candidates, Lucy McBath is the strongest gun control advocate, a national spokesperson and Faith & Outreach Leader for Everytown and Moms Demand Action. Tragically, McBath’s activism grew out of her son’s murder at the hands of an armed lunatic who felt he had the right to shoot human beings to death because he thought their music was too loud. Beyond guns, Lucy, like all our best candidates, is running an issue-heavy, district-focused campaign.  Georgia is changing, my friends…let’s help it along.

Georgia

GA-06

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Gal

Karen Handel

Karen Handel is so shitty, she’s managed to be shitty at CHARITY. While serving as a Vice President at Susan G. Komen for the Cure, Karen tried to cut off funding to Planned Parenthood, and when that blew up in her face, she threw a fit and quit. As Georgia Secretary of State, Handel was a ferocious vote suppressor. Anti-health care, anti-minimum wage, anti-immigrant, anti-LGBTQ…Karen Handel fucking sucks, y’all. We damn near beat her in last year’s special election, and she won’t have the undivided focus and support of her party this time ’round.

The Good Guy

Dan McCready

Dan McCready is a Marine Corps veteran, and a solar energy entrepreneur! Got that? Risked his life for his country, came home and created a fuckton of jobs in the green energy sector. Oh, and for a little side project, he started a website called This Land that sold only hand-made goods by American craftsmen. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS BIO? The only thing to be disappointed about is, sorry folks, he’s already married. The good news is, he’s as good a candidate as you could hope to recruit in this unexpectedly competitive district.

Dan is also not a frothing-at-the-mouth maniac, unlike SOME candidates I could mention.

North Carolina

NC-09

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Mark Harris

Mark Harris challenged and defeated incumbent right-wing nutcase Robert Pittenger in the primary, because he believes a Republican CongressThug needs to be an out-of-control, poo-flinging, extremist maniac like himself. Mark is one of those “pastors” who wants to bring the government’s boot down on the neck of all us heathens for disobeying whatever fistful of Bible verses he’s cherry-picking this week (he backed his state’s economically-suicidal “bathroom bill,” for example). Oh, and the good Reverend Harris wonders if careers for the womenfolk are really “healthy.” I think sending this medieval fuckbag to Congress would be unhealthy. Donate to Dan McCready and call me in the morning.

The Good Gal

Amy McGrath

Amy McGrath spent 20 years in the Marine Corps, breaking barriers and flying 89 combat missions. She’s a fierce campaigner, beating an establishment favorite in the primary she once trailed by 47 points, so she’d surely be an upgrade over an invisible foot soldier like Andy Barr. By the way, if you want to see something impressive, read through Amy’s insanely detailed, district-focused economic plan.

Kentucky

KY-06

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Andy Barr

Andy Barr is a another one of those cookie-cutter GOP drones, a bland, white, male, lawyer who wants to cut rich people’s taxes and take health care away from millions of Americans. Of course he’s garbage on women’s rights, LGBT rights, the environment, taxes, gun control…is there some factory where they churn out cheap clones of the Generic Republican? Like, “Soylent Conservatives,” or something?

The Good Guy

Nate McMurray

Nate McMurray, the town supervisor of Grand Island, N.Y., probably didn’t think he had much of a shot when he took the gig carrying the blue flag in this red district, but he’s been out there, fighting for health care and infrastructure investment and other good stuff anyway. He’s got a killer resume encompassing fields ranging from law to teaching to government, and he’s an expert on Asian culture and business, which of course his opponent spun into a racist attack ad. I dunno. I look at the difference between a man like Nate McMurray and a smug crook like Chris Collins, and I honestly can’t figure out why anybody anywhere votes Republican.

New York

NY-27

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Chris Collins

Chris Collins, of course, has been indicted for insider trading, and unless he’s got an evil twin, he looks to be more or less fucked. So it’s kind of fun watching this shitbag run not for any ideological reason, but simply to have a resignation to offer prosecutors when the plea-bargaining day finally comes. Chris’ ideology is hot trash, by the way; you may remember him as the first CongressTwerp to endorse that orange fellow. He’s a pretty typical filthy-rich health-care-hatin’ right-wing dickhead, and he shouldn’t get to spend the last few months before his sentencing making laws.

The Good Gal

Debbie Mucarsel-Powell

Debbie Mucarsel-Powell immigrated to the United States with her family as a child, and has been working her ass off ever since. She’s spent her career serving her community in the non-profit sector, mostly in health care and education. And, as you’d expect, her platform is full of thoughtful, district-centered, solutions. The Florida 26th is one of the most Democratic-leaning districts in the nation currently represented by a Republican, but Curbelo is a popular incumbent, and this is one of the only races that’s shifted in favor of the Republican in recent weeks.

Florida

FL-26

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Carlos Curbelo

Carlos Curbelo has a reputation as a moderate Republican, but he’s still voted with Trump 82% of the time, including on the Let the Filthy Takers Rot Act, excuse me, the “AHCA,” and the plutocracy-entrenching tax bill. I think maybe “moderate” meant something different when I was in school. He’s not bad on DACA, guns, LGBT rights, or the environment, and if I could airdrop him into Mark Meadows’ seat, I would. But that ain’t how this shit works.

The Good Guy

Danny O’Connor

Danny O’Connor is such a nice young man. He hustles. He’s done some good work as Franklin County Recorder. I like him. Danny is a moderate who put the fear of God into Republicans in this deep-red district, losing by a hair in August’s special election. Can they hang onto this seat without their megadonors’ undivided attention? By the way, if Danny’s platform is considered “moderate,” and if it’s doing this well in a district the GOP has held since I was still chewing the legs off my action figures, you know our party and our ideas are in good shape.

Ohio

OH-12

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Troy Balderson

Troy Balderson got his start as a bad guy in a John Hughes film. Ok, not really, but with that ridiculous name and his political leanings, it’s an honest mistake. He’s one of those “we must drug test Medicaid recipients” Republicans. He wants to build the Big Dumb Wall. His closing argument amounted to simply insulting one-third of his district.  Where do they find these people? And can they hang onto this seat without their megadonors’ undivided attention?

The Good Guy

Richard Ojeda

Richard Ojeda is the right candidate for this district, but what does that mean in West Virginia coal country? Well…could you back a candidate that voted for Donald Trump? Fat Q*Bert won this district by 50 fucking points, so it’s a miracle it’s in play at all, but with 24 years in the Army, a short stretch in the WV Senate, and the sort of natural, no-bullshit, charisma most politicians would kill for, Ojeda just may pull this fucker off. His platform is a little different, but I dig it; infrastructure, medical marijuana, and two-fisted support of his state’s massive teacher walkouts. Oh, and literally every article about this guy mentions that he has tattoos, so, y’know…”he has tattoos.”

West Virginia

WV-03

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Gal

Carol Miller

Carol Miller is such a bland, cookie-cutter, conservative that Mike Pence’s PAC sent their donation check to a different fucking Carol Miller. I guess it’s kind of novel that she’s a rich white Republican lady instead of the more traditional rich white Republican dude. Carol is for truly derpy shit like fighting Sharia Law and making English the national language, because she is a religious fanatic and also a giant fucking idiot. Oh, and she owns stock in the very company (McKesson) that’s carpet-bombing her state with over-prescribed opioids, so it’s kinda fun that she’s profiting directly off the deaths of the people she’s running the represent. I guess.

The Good Gal

Gina Ortiz Jones

Gina Ortiz Jones is an Air Force veteran, and a former intelligence officer and civil servant who resigned in protest of Donald Trump’s fuckery, and then turned around and decided to boot one of his congressional sycophants straight to the private sector. Gina has squeezed several lifetimes worth of service, leadership, sacrifice and just plain hard-ass work into 37 short years. She’s focused on her district and sees right through her phony opponent.  Plus she’d be the first openly gay woman of color to serve Texas in the House.

Texas

TX-23

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Will Hurd

Will Hurd is one of those Republicans who likes to make occasional tsk tsk sounds at Trump, but still votes with him 95% of the time. This is particularly important in this race, because Hurd’s whole brand is Calm Rational Bipartisan Centrist. See, he paints himself as a noble moderate, but he votes like a right-wing fanatic. WE SEE YOU, WILL. In addition, Hurd, a former intelligence officer, has been one of Devin “PF” Nunes’ loyal stooges, so fuck him with a goddamn rake.

The Good Guy

Dean Phillips

Dean Phillips is Dear Abby’s grandson, and ran a gelato company, and…look, I’m not going to lie to you; we have a lot of candidates with deeply inspirational biographies, and Dean is not really one of them. But he’s used his good fortune to do a great deal of philanthropy, and he’s running hard on government reform and health care. He’s hustlin’, and this seat has been in Republican hands since 1961, so…on balance, I like him.

Minnesota

MN-03

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Erik Paulsen

Erik Paulsen, unlike most of his GOP colleagues, loves gun control and health care and puppies and cake. JUST KIDDING, he’s another ACA-repealin’, Trump-shieldin’, rich-folks’-taxes-cuttin’, NRA puppet. He’s got this reputation as a “moderate,” but he votes with Il Douche almost 98% of the time. Paulsen has done some admirable work on human trafficking, but beyond that he’s just one more loyal Paul Ryan foot soldier, and that shit just isn’t working out.

The Good Gal

Katie Porter

Katie Porter has spent her life fighting Wall Street; she was part of a team that dragged BILLIONS out of the big banks.  It’s only fitting she’s running against an investment banker now.  Katie’s backed by her old boss, Kamala Harris, and her old professor, Elizabeth Warren. Plus, she’s one of the most progressive candidates to win her primary, upsetting an establishment favorite, if that’s your jam.

California

CA-45

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Gal

Mimi Walters

Mimi Walters was an investment banker, before she decided to go into politics to make life easier for investment bankers. Is Mimi just one more wealthy Republican who voted for a massive tax cut for wealthy people? FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK. Oh hey, and Walters was in bed with Cambridge Analytica last election, and now you’re thinking about Bannon naked, aren’tcha? In the end, she’s just another GOP/Trump rubber stamp, collecting a taxpayer-funded paycheck while trying to take away your health care.

The Good Guy

Aftab Pureval

Aftab Pureval already has some experience taking offices away from complacent Republicans, and has delivered measurable results as Hamilton County Clerk of Courts. Paul Ryan is so terrified of Aftab’s hustle and appeal, he’s busted out the mega-racist big guns with one of the most despicable ads of the cycle. Makes sense; he’s worried one of his submissive Koch errand boys will replaced by a pro-health care, pro-minimum-wage-increase, pro-equality, man of the people.

Ohio

OH-01

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Steve Chabot

Steve Chabot’s most notable accomplishment in his time on Earth is an anti-abortion bill, and he’s running hard on his anti-choice record. Also on his anti-health-care-in-general record, come to think of it. Chabot’s hobbies include climate change denial, traveling on the taxpayer dime, and calling the cops on his constituents for recording town halls. We’ve beaten Steve-O before, as recently as 2008. Let’s put this old fart out to pasture.

The Good Guy

Joe Radinovich

Joe Radinovich has been protesting and organizing for the hard-working people of Minnesota since he was in 8th grade. He stood up to sexual harassment in his workplace while running the previous MN-08 Rep’s reelection campaign. And though he served a term in the Minnesota House, he lost his seat largely because fought for marriage equality even when his district opposed it. Washington needs strong, brave, moral, fighters like Joe Radinovich. Oh, and Joe is one of the candidates who could actually use a bit of a hand with his fundraising, to be honest.

Minnesota

MN-08

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Pete Stauber

Pete Stauber is an ex-hockey player and police officer, and quite possibly the only Republican House candidate with a legit shot at picking off a seat currently held by Team Blue. Which is bad, because he’s alllll about dat Dotard, racism, sexism, authoritarianism, and all. Peter believes women shouldn’t have the right to make decisions about their own bodies, but guns? The rights of guns shall ne’er be infringed!

The Good Guy

Harley Rouda

In this particular district, I guess the best thing about Harley Rouda is that he’s not a Russian asset. Harley’s been an attorney and an entrepreneur, as well as pleasantly active philanthropist. Rouda used to be a Republican, but switched parties when he realized that the GOP no longer reflected his values, because he is not a complete and utter shitbag. Still, his platform is solid, and his past could make him more palatable in the conservative-leaning OC.

California

CA-48

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Dana Rohrabacher

Dana Rohrabacher represents his constituents’ needs with ferocious loyalty and attention, assuming his constituents are not the good folks of Orange County, but Vladimir Putin and his oligarch budz. Dana’s so far up Vlad’s ass, he’s practically Trump’s roommate. The little bastard even has his very own Kremlin code name, for fuck’s sake. Beyond the treason stuff, he supports all the usual Republican fuckery, from Obamacare repeal to torture to, apparently, arming toddlers. And there’s even weirder shit, too.

The Good Gal

Mary Gay Scanlon

Holy crap, look at Mary Gay Scanlon’s biography!  A lifetime of service.  A LIFETIME. Advocacy for children, students with disabilities, equal pay, refugees, victims of domestic violence and human trafficking, first responders, and veterans?  Fighting voter suppression and gerrymandering?  She’s a goddamn progressive superhero.  Congress doesn’t just need Mary Gay Scanlon; Congress needs a couple hundred Mary Gay Scanlons.

Pennsylvania

PA-05

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Solid Dem

Roll Call: Likely Dem

Cook: Likely Dem

Sabato: Safe Dem

The Bad Gal

Pearl Kim

Pearl Kim, former Pennsylvania Senior Deputy Attorney General, honestly doesn’t seem that bad, for a Republican.  Good record, seems fairly moderate.  If she was running against any of the feral assclowns in the Freedom Caucus, I could see myself even supporting her.  But she’s running against one of the best candidates I’ve ever seen, so…y’know, sorry.

The Good Gal

Dr. Kim Schrier

Dr. Kim Schrier is a pediatrician who took the leap from protestor to candidate when she saw the GOP was hellbent on repealing Obamacare, because that would, y’know…hurt people. Diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as a teen, she understands what the health care system used to be like for someone with a preexisting condition. Dr. Schrier’s whole platform is strong, covering everything from gun control to reproductive rights to protecting the environment. Plus, she’d be the only female doctor in the House; I think that’s a voice we damn well need.

Washington

WA-08

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Dino Rossi

Dino Rossi is, and after the other profiles on this page you may find this shocking, a rich white guy who wants to go to Congress to cut his own taxes. The NRA loves Dino. The Club for Growth loves Dino. The Koch brothers love Dino. Donald Trump loves Dino. The voters of Washington? Not so much, as they’ve rejected his candidacy for statewide office three times now. Probably because his life’s work consists largely of trying to take folks’ health insurance away while rubbing donor money all over his body.

The Good Guy

George Scott

George Scott is an Army Veteran (he achieved the rank of lieutenant colonel) and a Lutheran minister, looking to continue his life of service in the U.S. Congress. He’s focused on health care and jobs, common sense gun control, and also on bringing a little old-fashioned decency back to government. Now, that’s a tall order in 2018, but listen to the guy talk; if anybody can pull it off, it’s George. And under Pennsylvania’s new redistricting, we’ve never had a better shot at this seat.

Pennsylvania

PA-10

 

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Scott Perry

Scott Perry is a decorated veteran and I thank him for his service…at least up to the point when he jumped on the maniac Tea Party Express and started fucking up our government. Scott’s the kind of dude who spouts truly dangerous conspiracy theories, like linking the mass shooting in Las Vegas to ISIS, without a shred of evidence. He’s an anti-choice, anti-health care, immigration hardliner/gun nut who wants to impeach Rod Rosenstein lest the law hold Boss Turdworm accountable for his many crimes. In summation, Scott Perry sucks.

The Good Gal

Donna Shalala

If anyone could be said to be overqualified for a gig in the House, it’s Donna Shalala. As Clinton’s HHS Secretary, she oversaw the creation and implementation of the Children’s Health Insurance Program. Yeah. CHIP. She went on to work for for W., who later awarded her the Presidential Medal of Freedom. She’s led the Clinton Foundation and the University of Miami, and…I literally don’t have space to cover her full resume. Yeah, I guess the whole “lifetime of leadership and success” thing is pretty convincing. If you like that sort of thing.

Florida

FL-27

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Lean Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Gal

Maria Elvira Salazar

Maria Elvira Salazar is an award-winning broadcast journalist, with no political experience, running against the most qualified candidate in the country. She’s got a vaguely moderate Republican platform, though she’s still anti-choice and supports the damn tax scam. Anyhow, Hilldawg kicked Fuckhead’s ass in this district, and everyone expects it to flip.

The Good Guy

David Shapiro

David Shapiro is a personal injury attorney with deep roots in his community, and longtime ties to the local Democratic Party. While David is running as a moderate in this red district, you’ll find lots to like in his platform: women’s rights, environmentalism, the DREAM act, health care, gun control…it’s a stark contrast with his opponent, who seems primarily interested in enriching Vern Buchanan.

Florida

FL-16

 

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Likely Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Vern Buchanan

Vern Buchanan really oughta be the poster boy for the modern GOP. Vern is filthy rich, you see, and after voting himself a massive tax cut, he decided to rub the country’s nose in his flagrant abuse of power by buying a multi-million-dollar yacht with the proceeds of his little heist…on the VERY SAME FUCKING DAY. Buchanan is cartoonishly corrupt, with all sorts of super-shady campaign finance schemes on his rap sheet. If we can feed that blue wave ’till it’s big enough, maybe we can wash this piece of trash away once and for all.

The Good Gal

Mikie Sherrill

Mikie Sherrill served as a helicopter pilot in the U.S. Navy, attaining the rank of lieutenant commander, earned degrees from the U.S. Naval Academy, the London School of Economics and Political Science, and Georgetown University, and oh yeah, worked as an Assistant United States Attorney. Not bad, as resumes go. Sherrill is running on a solid slate of issues and raising money like a motherfucker in her bid to flip this district held by Republican Rodney Frelinghuysen since the late Cretaceous Period.

New Jersey

NJ-11

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Lean Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Jay Webber

Jay Webber is pretty much your standard Bland Ultra-Right White Dude. One of those Guns Should Have More Rights Than Women types. As a state legislator, he tried to amend the New Jersey constitution to outlaw marriage equality. He also opposed equal pay laws. And of course he echoes Wee Don’s shitty immigration rhetoric. Seems Webber’s problem is with equality generally. So if you’re an insecure white dude who’s terrified of sharing the world, vote Jay Webber! Otherwise, I recommend Mikie Sherrill.

The Good Gal

Elissa Slotkin

Elissa Slotkin served three tours with the CIA in Iraq, and then worked as a national security official under Presidents Bush and Obama, so naturally her dirtbag opponent is hitting her for not living in the district while she served her country in the Pentagon and overseas. Slotkin jumped into the race when she saw Mike Bishop’s shit-eating grin in the Rose Garden, celebrating the House’s passage of the constituent-murdering AHCA. Basically, Elissa Slotkin was fighting ISIS while her opponent was fighting to steal health insurance from his own constituents, so…yeah, this choice ain’t hard.

Michigan

MI-08

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Mike Bishop

What can you say about Mike Bishop? Fucking NOTHING, that’s what. Google him yourself, you don’t believe me. This dude is useless. You get the impression he just naps in the back of the House floor, waking up periodically to vote for whatever shit Trump wants. Two terms in Washington, what has this doorstop accomplished? I poked around the jagoff’s own website, I can’t find anything. You could replace this guy with a can of Flarp and it’d be an upgrade.

The Good Gal

Abigail Spanberger

Abigail Spanberger, a former CIA operative, is running in part on national security, since her opponent is a spineless enabler of Russian attacks on our democracy, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?  David Brat is so afraid of her, he won’t debate her. Her platform also focuses on health care, gun control, and all sorts of other good shit you’ll like. Wouldn’t you like to see a badass Democratic woman sitting in Eric Cantor’s old chair?

Virginia

VA-07

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Dave Brat

Once upon a time, Dave Brat was the Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of the lunatic right, blindsiding a napping Eric Cantor, because HE THOUGHT ERIC CANTOR WASN’T A BIG ENOUGH BASTARD. One of the frothiest maniacs in the Freedom Caucus, Brat thinks mass-shooting survivors are “crisis actors,” and really hates it when his female constituents get in his “grill” about his repeated attempts to take their health care away. You know the good folks in Virginia are all fired up to repeat their 2017 Blue Wave and wash this fanatic away for good.

The Good Gal

Haley Stevens

Haley Stevens used to be in a little band called “Obama’s Auto Task Force,” (she was Chief of Staff, and played slide guitar) which you remember from such hits as “saving the American automotive industry.” Stevens is that rare politician who actually understands the mechanics of job creation in the 21st century, having spent her career in workforce development. Check out her platform; we can have Haley Stevens, good on health care and jobs and civil rights and…well, most everything, or we can have a rubber Trump stamp.

Michigan

MI-11

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Gal

Lena Epstein

Lena Epstein is one of the Trumpiest candidates running, (she co-chaired his Michigan campaign, gross) looking to replace relative moderate David Trott and shift the seat a few miles to the lunatic right, so, y’know…fuck that. She briefly tried running against Debbie Stabenow, but chickened out. Epstein is actually the perfect 2018 Republican; an executive in the family business, with no relevant experience or qualifications and a tissue-thin “platform,” she’s eager to crack down on all the filthy takers who haven’t done the hard work of Being Born Into Wealth.

The Good Gal

Xochitl Torres Small

Xochitl Torres Small is a water attorney with lifelong ties to the district. A former staffer for Senator Tom Udall, Xochitl has been listening to the needs of rural, southern New Mexico for a long time now, and it shows in her platform; health care, water rights, energy development, broadband access, and education, with a focus on ESL for a region with a large Hispanic population. Xochitl Torres Small is yet another smart, tough, experienced woman who knows her shit, and she’d be a damn strong addition to our team in the House.

New Mexico

NM-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Gal

Yvette Herrill

Yvette Herrell is a 4-term NM state rep who serves on the board of everyone’s favorite band of corporation-humping ratfuckers, ALEC, ewwwwww. Herrell is clinging tightly to her Turd Emperor, praising his racist border policies and his dumbfuck trade war and even whining about “fake news.” She’s a gun nut and an ACA-repealer. Basically, Yvette Herrell wants to be among the first of a new breed of Trump Republicans in Congress, and that would just suck.

The Good Guy

Clarke Tucker

Clarke Tucker is a cancer survivor, so forgive him if he takes his opponent’s repeated attacks on folks’ access to health care personally. As a member of the Arkansas House since 2015, Clarke has fought for health care and paid maternity leave for state employees and expanded access to pre-k education. His opponent fights for rich people and…other rich people. This choice ain’t difficult.

Arkansas

AR-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Likely Rep

Cook: Likely Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

French Hill

You’ve probably never heard of French Hill, he’s just another super-rich Trump stooge, who wants to take away your health care even as he cuts his own taxes. As of 2017, he was the top House recipient of donations from the death merchants in the NRA, a genuinely vile distinction. Honestly, the blue wave would have to be pretty massive to wash this turd away, but this is the best chance we’ve had yet.

The Good Gal

Lauren Underwood

Lauren Underwood is so awesome she’s getting a special batch Ben & Jerry’s flavor to go with her endorsed-by-Obama sprinkles, ok? Lauren is a nurse, a teacher, and a former Senior Advisor in Obama’s HHS, where she worked on the Affordable Care Act. She’s bringing a boldly progressive platform, with a heavy focus on health care, to this Republican-leaning district, and wouldn’t it be wonderful to replace a Tea Party loon with nice, sturdy, lefty? Anyway, if you can read this article without feeling inspired AF, your heart is dead.

Illinois

IL-14

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Dem

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Randy Hultgren

Randy Hultgren is…fucking hell, I’ve done like, 60 of these, and I could just cut and paste this from any of the other Wrinkly Old White Dude Incumbents on this page. Trump puppet/crap on guns/crap on women’s rights/crap on LGBTQ rights/crap on the environment/SUPER crap on taxes/crap on health care/kicks puppies, probably…how does Paul Ryan tell these jackasses apart?

The Good Guy

Jeff Van Drew

Jeff Van Drew is a dentist and state senator with an impressive record of actually, y’know…accomplishing shit. While Jeff isn’t the leftiest lefty around, he’s running for seat retiring Republican Frank Lobiando has held for more than 20 years. He’s good on veterans, offshore drilling, and net neutrality.

New Jersey

NJ-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Solid Dem

Roll Call: Likely Dem

Cook: Likely Dem

Sabato: Safe Dem

The Bad Guy

Seth Grossman

Seth Grossman stands out as a fairly major fuckhead even in the Republican Party of 2018. While the GOP is super-racist these days, Seth is super-DUPER-racist, with a habit of sharing white nationalist literature on social media. Even the NRCC cut this jagoff loose. From what I’m reading, this is our safest pickup bet.

The Good Guy

Cort VanOstran

Cort VanOstran is what you call a self-made man; his resume, quite frankly, embarrasses the shit out of me, it’s so impressive. Harvard degree, lawyer, activist, educator, and he’s only 30? Cort’s intelligence, dedication to service, and flat-out hustle is just what we need in Washington. He’s running on health care, renewable energy, common sense gun control, and bipartisanship, good shit, huh? Oh, and he won’t treat his constituents like lepers.

Missouri

MO-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Solid Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Likely Rep

The Bad Gal

Ann Wagner

Ann Wagner is most famous for her unrestrained glee at voting to steal health insurance from millions of Americans, which is, y’know…demented. Before coming to Congress, Wagner spent years as a Republican political operative, which explains her partisan disdain for half the people she “represents.” Seriously, she REALLY hates actually dealing with her constituents. In many ways, Ann is the perfect GOP CongressHack: a multimillionaire raking in donations from other multimillionaires to rig the system in favor of multimillionaires.

The Good Guy

Scott Wallace

Scott Wallace is a lawyer with extensive experience in public service, as well a philanthropist. He’s spent his career working on issues ranging from veterans affairs to criminal justice reform to climate change. It must be said that Wallace is actually ridiculously wealthy, and is largely self-financing. So, while I’m cheering for Scotty, your donation might make more impact elsewhere.

Pennsylvania

PA-01

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Brian Fitzpatrick

Brian Fitzpatrick hasn’t been around very long, and he’s kinda moderate, opposing the AHCA for example. But he voted for the Hey Wouldn’t it Be Great if Your Boss Was Richer Tax Bill, he’s extra shitty on women’s rights, and under the new redistricting, his district is more winnable than ever, so y’know…fire the bum.

The Good Gal

Jennifer Wexton

Jennifer Wexton is running hard on gun control, and even today, that’s a big risk; let’s make sure her risk pays off, shall we? As a Virginia State Senator, she’s had over 40 bills enacted into law since assuming office in…2014? What?  Is that right? That’s…superhuman. Passing laws is the name of the game, so Wexton is precisely the sort of legislator you want on your team.

Virginia

VA-10

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Gal

Barbara Comstock

Barbara Comstock was Scooter Libby’s lawyer? Tom DeLay’s lawyer? Fuckin’ EW. Barbara hates labor unions like Garfield hates Mondays. But she loves guns like Garfield loves lasagna, raking in $137,232 in NRA donations! LGBT rights, net neutrality, and freedom of choice also go in Comstock’s “Mondays” column.

The Good Gal

Susan Wild

Susan Wild dispatched an anti-choice, pro-ICE “Democrat” in her primary, so she’s already got dirt on her uniform from fighting the good fight.  The first female Allentown City Solicitor, Wild is running on health care, increasing the minimum wage, gun control, and all kinds of other good shit.  She’s endorsed by Emily’s List, Human Rights Campaign, and perhaps somewhat less impressively…Some Random Guy in a Superhero Bathrobe.

Pennsylvania

PA-07

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Solid Dem

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Marty Nothstein

Marty Nothstein is actually an Olympic gold and silver medalist in cycling, which is super cool, but doesn’t make him qualified to serve in the United States Congress.  He’s running on pure, unfiltered Trumpism; Nothstein is an anti-choice, pro-gun, jagoff who wants to repeal Obamacare, and there are already too many white dudes that fit that description in Congress.  Oh, and his company just settled a lawsuit alleging Marty heaped racist abuse on an immigrant employee.  Good lord, is there anyone left in the GOP that isn’t a complete and total asshole?

The Good Gal

Kathleen Williams

Kathleen Williams wasn’t supposed to win her primary, but she out-campaigned her better-funded opponents, driving her pick-up truck to every corner of the largest district in the lower 48. I think our caucus could use an injection of that sort of hustle, don’t you? Williams in an expert in natural resource economics/politics, working all over the public and private sectors, including three terms in the Montana House. She has a demonstrable history of A) Knowing her shit, and B) Getting shit done  She could also really use a hand with her fundraising, so pitch in, won’t ya?

Montana

That’s it…just…Montana

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Rep

Roll Call: Likely Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Greg Gianforte

Greg Gianforte is, of course, a violent criminal. Can’t we just fucking stop there? I mean, yes, he’s ALSO a shitty Congressman, just one more super-wealthy white dude cutting his own taxes while the rest of us rot, but call me a bleeding heart, I just can’t get past that one time when he physically assaulted a journalist and then tried lying about it until there turned out to be a recording. Oh, and he’s even an unusually ridiculous creationist. This man is pure, unfiltered trash.

Senate Races

Holy Balls, the Senate map is brutal this year. We’re almost entirely on defense, and even in a Blue Wave scenario, we could actually lose seats. But can we get to 51? Can we send Mitch McConnell and his team of craven enablers to the minority? Can we stop the flow of ultra-conservative lifetime judicial appointments?

You’re damn right we can. It’ll be a motherfuckin’ FIGHT, though. We’re behind in a lot of these races. And the ONLY path to control of the Senate runs through deep red states where our candidates are more moderate.

I know the centrists aren’t as sexxxxy as Beto O’Rourke, but we need ‘em, Resisters. Remember we needed every single vote we had to preserve Obamacare. We’re on the edge of the razor here, my friends. Chip in where you can.

The Good Guy

Phil Bredesen

Phil Bredesen is a solar energy company chairman and a former Nashville Mayor and Tennessee Governor with an admirable record of bipartisanship. He’s a moderate, and his record isn’t perfect, but he did some really nice work on conservation and particularly education during his governorship. I dig Phil because he doesn’t posture or make flowery speeches full of empty promises; he gets shit done.  Elizabeth Warren he ain’t, but if we’re gonna pick off this seat in a state Conman Don carried by 26 points, he’s the man for the job.

Tennessee

Ratings:

 

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Gal

Marsha Blackburn

Marsha Blackburn is…how to put this…not a good egg. She actually voted against a reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act because of provisions to protect LGBT citizens and the undocumented.  Marsha hates health care. Marsha hates gun control. Are you a Dominionist “Christian” who wants to take over the world and force everyone to wear the same funny underwear and obey your weird little rules? No? Then Marsha hates you, too. But Marsha luuuuuuuvs birtherism! With Bob Corker retiring to enjoy the fruits of his trademarked Kickback, I guess this loon is the best the Tennessee GOP has to offer. I say the Volunteer State deserves a Senator who isn’t in danger of being carted away to a padded cell.

The Good Guy

Sherrod Brown

Sherrod Brown: honestly, what’s not to like? One of the most liberal members of Congress, Brown still knows when to cross the aisle to get shit done. I could gush about his record and positions, but why don’t you just read about ‘em yourself? (I especially luv that sweet F grade from the murderous scumlords at the NRA.) According to polling so far, my man Sherrod looks pretty safe, but Ohio picked Shart 52-43, so you never know…

Ohio

Ratings:

Roll Call: Likely Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Likely Dem

The Bad Guy

Jim Renacci

Jim Renacci is one of those rich white Republican dudes who wants to run the government for the exclusive benefit of rich white Republican dudes.  Yeah, I know, it’s hard to tell them all apart. He’s all kinds of proud of his vote for the The Wealthy Ain’t Wealthy Enough Tax Bill, and his hobbies include getting sued for wrongful death in a nursing home he owns, and spending the massive tax cut he gave himself.

The Good Guy

Joe Donnelly

Joe Donnelly has been fighting the uphill battle for the Democratic Party in ever-reddening Indiana for decades, starting out serving on the Indiana State Election Board and the Marian High School Board.

Now, Donnelly is a moderate, and he’s never pretended to be anything else. I’m not gonna lie to you; he’s pretty lousy on abortion, and on guns. But he voted to pass the ACA, and to protect it from Republican repeal efforts. He’s co-sponsored the Violence Against Women Act re-authorization. He’s supported Dodd-Frank, Lilly Ledbetter, and minimum wage increases.

Oh, and he kept Richard “Rape is a gift from God” Mourdock out of the Senate. His current opponent is just as bad.

We’re talking about a state Trump carried by nearly 20% in 2016. I really do get that supporting these less-than-perfect red state Dems isn’t the most thrilling part of assembling the team that takes back the Senate, but these are the seats we have to hold onto if we want to shut down the Trump/McConnell Lunatic-Far-Right Lifetime Judicial Appointment Pipeline.

And I maintain, there’s a lot to like about Joe. Plus, purely independent of policy, I find him sort of charmingly bear-like.

Indiana

Ratings:

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Mike Braun

Mike Braun, and you’re never gonna believe the GOP nominated a guy like this, is a wealthy white dude with a lengthy history of underpaying his employees! He’s also been a state-level legislator who passed bills that lined his own pockets! Shit, he’d fit right in with Donald Trump’s swamp, just one more grifter looking to loot all he can while the working class flounders.

Mike’s a gun nut. An Obamacare repealer. A wall-builder. An anti-choice fanatic. Mike Braun wants to go full Trump and you should NEVER GO FULL TRUMP. This dude is complete trash and it is imperative we keep him out of the Senate.

This race is ground fucking, zero, my friends. This is one of the GOP’s leading targets. If we can’t hold Indiana, we probably can’t take the Senate.

The Good Gal

Heidi Heitkamp

Heidi Heitkamp is pretty badass, y’all. She’s a former EPA lawyer, North Dakota Attorney General (where she administered a substantial spanking to Big Tobacco) and Tax Commissioner, an energy company executive, and oh yeah, a motherfucking cancer survivor.

She’s defended Obamacare, earned a lifetime 100% rating from Planned Parenthood, and has a history of crossing the aisle to get shit done.  She’s crappy on guns. She’s not great on environmental issues, because she’s looking out for her home state’s fossil fuel-driven economy, which is, after all, her job. She’s well-liked in North Dakota, because she listens to her constituents, and represents them well. She’s a moderate, and she’ll be the first one to tell you so. It’s a state Trump won by thirty-freakin’-five points, they’re not crying out for far-left politics.

I know Senator Heitkamp is not your favorite. But before you move on, I want you to read about her opponent. Honestly, we’re lucky to have any sort of Democrat in this particular seat. The choice this November is Heitkamp vs Cramer, and I would suggest to you that’s the starkest choice on the entire board.

North Dakota

Ratings:

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Kevin Cramer

Kevin Cramer is wrong about everything. He’s a wannabe ACA repealer. He blames legalized abortion for mass shootings. On LGBT rights, he’s supported by a group that pushes conversation therapy. He’s a proud climate change denier. An unusually frothy gun nut. An anti-Native-American bigot. He is racist, sexist, classist trash.

I’ll be honest with y’all, I didn’t know anything whatsoever about Cramer before I started researching this entry; twenty minutes later, I’m almost projectile vomiting. This guy is one of the very worst people in the entire Republican Party, and I don’t say that lightly. He’s been proudly endorsed by open white supremacists. Fuck, even the Koch Brothers won’t support this turd.

I beg of you, do your part to keep this scumbag out of the United States Senate.

The Good Guy

Joe Manchin

Joe Manchin is, I know, everybody’s least favorite Democrat. Look, I wouldn’t run him in California, but we’re talking about a state the Shart won by 40 points, where his approval is still +27. These people are not going to elect a Jeff Merkley. I don’t think Joe’s all that bad, by the way. He’s the Manchin in Machin-Toomey, and I’ll always respect anyone who puts themself on the line for gun control. When we needed every vote, he protected the ACA. He’s good on campaign finance. He’s good on education.

West Virginia

Ratings:

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Patrick Morrissey

Patrick Morrissey used to work as a lobbyist for goddamn OPIOD DISTRIBUTORS. As WV Attorney General, he’s attacked the ACA. He’s a shining whale-oil-lamp light in the anti-environment movement, having sued the EPA countless times. He’s such an extreme gun nut, he’s been a centerfold in American Rifleman. He supports a 20-week abortion ban. He’s a Stephen-Miller-level monster when it comes to immigration, opposing DACA and even attacking Manchin for co-sponsoring a bill to end the evil practice of family separation at the border. Fuck this asshole. He MUST be kept from the Senate. Support Joe Manchin III.

The Good Gal

Claire McCaskill

Y’know, if her opponent is a legitimate shitbag, Claire McCaskill has ways of shutting that whole thing down. Yes, six short years ago, Claire vanquished some no-good punk named Todd Akin, and now we need to pitch in and help her fend off the latest assclown.

McCaskill has been serving the good people of Missouri for…a long-ass time now, serving as a state legislator, Jackson County Prosecutor, Missouri State Auditor, and now she’s the ranking member on the Committee for Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs in the United States Senate.

Claire has always been a champion of women’s rights, fighting for equal pay and reproductive health rights, battling sexual assault on campus and in the military.

Oh, and she’s earned an F from those murderous NRA rat-bastards.

McCaskill knows her shit, she’s tough as nails, and she gets things done. This is gonna be one of the tightest races in the country; pitch in and help Claire out, won’tcha?

Missouri

Ratings:

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Josh Hawley

Josh Hawley went to the yuppie prep school up the road from where I grew up, because of course he did. He headed his college chapter of the Federalist Society and clerked for White Privilege Poster Boy John Roberts, but now he struts around Missouri in boots n’ jeans pretending to be a Man of the People™️ instead of the walking epitome of the “elites” he rails against.

Like so many of the weak-willed enablers of the GOP, Josh’s campaign consists primarily of kneeling before the alter of Drumpf; he’s such an ass-kissing coward he won’t even stand up to the evil of ripping children away from their families.  Oh, and he thinks the sexual revolution is to blame for human trafficking.  Regressive AND dumb, no wonder Republicans dig him!

Hawley is the current Mizzou Attorney General, though he doesn’t seem super interesting in actually doing his job. He’s tried to destroy Obamacare from his current post, and you can bet your ass he’ll keep on trying if he gets this Senate seat.

Oh, and his dark money backers dropped the most dishonest, reprehensible ad of the cycle to date.

Where I come from, this little prick is what we call a “Haircut,” as in that’s all he is and nothing else. He wants to go to Washington to be a good little soldier for Donald Trump. I don’t think we should let that happen.

The Good Guy

Bill Nelson

Bill Nelson has been serving the good people of Florida since I was just a glint in Ma and Pa Cap’s eyes, but he really won my heart during the post-Parkland CNN town hall, when he stood up for common-sense gun control laws while Marco Rubio bumbled about looking for a plausible pander he could abandon the minute he left the room. There’s tons to like in Bill’s long, documented, record, plus he’s been in space and hasn’t committed any Medicare fraud at all, unlike SOME people I could mention.

Florida

Ratings:

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Rick Scott

Rick Scott, on the other hand, committed honey bunches of Medicare fraud! Yes, the company Scott founded and ran paid $1.7 billion in fines for defrauding the American taxpayer, and then the motherfucker turned around to use his ill-gotten fortune to self-fund his two successful campaigns for the Florida governorship. Rick loves the death penalty but hates giving his constituents health care, which is actually darkly consistent when you think about it. Above all else, his true passion is for corporations, and he wants to go to Washington to turn the working people of this country into pliant drones providing his CEO buddies with labor for as little compensation as they can possibly get away with. He must be stopped. Also he’s just creepy. I don’t believe in lizard people but if there were lizard people, Rick Scott would at the very least DJ their house parties.

The Good Guy

Beto O’Rourke

Hey, if you’re here, you don’t need me to tell you about Beto O’Rourke. Perhaps you’ve even encountered him in his quest to meet and personally charm every man, woman, and child in Texas. And most of the dogs and cats. Presumably several hundred parakeets. The man is inspirational AF.

Beto’s been fighting the ineffective “War on Drugs” since his days on the El Paso city council. He’s been fighting for LGBTQ rights. For years. In TEXAS.

O’Rourke’s voting record is fairly moderate, but he’s running a pretty damn liberal campaign for Texas, which is…admirably ballsy. Fueled by an army of small donors, he seems to draw closer to his historically dislikable opponent with every poll.

Having this guy in one of Texas’ Senate seats would be an political earthquake. For health care. For the DREAM Act. For gun control. For decency, generally. (Ever hear the story about how Beto reported himself to the House Committee on Ethics? It’s a good one.)

Now, I know Betomania is running wild. I know you have the fever. I like him, too. And I certainly won’t stop you from donating to his campaign because A) Beto’s awesome, and B) Fuck Ted Cruz.

But while I have your attention, may I casually point out that control of the Senate likely rests with significantly-less-sexxxy candidates. I know the moderates aren’t as much fun, but they need your help more than Beto does. So sure, toss O’Rourke a buck or two, but what say you come up with a matching donation for Senators Heitkamp, Nelson, Donnelly and McCaskill? Or maybe help Jacky Rosen and Kyrsten Sinema flip a couple of purple-state seats?

Texas

Ratings:

Roll Call: Likely Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz is People Magazine’s Most Punchable Man Alive for 30 years running, and is probably not the zodiac killer only because he’s so irritating that it’s hard to believe that many people allowed him to get so close.

It’s certainly amusing watching Ted squirm these days. Years of strategically shitting on his Republican Senate colleagues in order to position himself as the One True Conservative blew up in his face when Donald Trump swept in, out-blustered and out-bigoted him, and crushed his dreams, insulting his wife and father along the way.

And now, loathed because he is so loathsome, he’s reduced to groveling before the very shitsack who so humiliated him. Anybody else, you’d muster some tiny bit of sympathy, but this is Ted Cruz. Honestly, he hasn’t been humbled nearly enough yet.

Anyhow, the polls are closing in on Teddy, and he doesn’t know what the fuck to do. He’s running ads that seem designed to show Texans just how much cooler and more likable O’Rourke is (not a heavy lift, I admit), and praying that the state is so red, they’ll re-elect a Human Hemorrhoid, even if he’s a bloviating idiot with no significant accomplishments, if he only has that magic “R” by his name.

The Good Gal

Jacky Rosen

Jacky Rosen is a Moms Demand Action Gun Sense Distinction Candidate. She’ll defend the ACA from Trump and McConnell. She’ll protect Roe V. Wade. Wee Don is so afraid of her, he’s already given her a childish nickname. And there’s plenty more to like.

Nevada

Ratings:

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Dean Heller

Dean Heller is the incumbent Senator we have the best shot at beating this fall, and we should make the most of that chance. Dean-O is a Trump rubber stamp, voting the way Boss Shart wants him to 91.9% of the time, including Obamacare repeal and the tax bill. He’s received $122,802 in support from the NRA. He’s bad on immigration, LGBT rights, the environment, and, well, just about everything. See for yourself.

The Good Gal

Kyrsten Sinema

Kyrsten Sinema earned a college degree at age 18, whereas I couldn’t even balance a checkbook until I was 30, so it goes without saying I’m impressed. She’s been fighting the good fight as a social worker, an activist, a criminal defense attorney, a professor, a state legislator, and finally a U.S. Representative, for a couple decades and change now.

Now, in this coin-flip purple state race, both candidates are described as “moderate,” but let’s take a quick peek at the differences between what the word “moderate” means to Democrats these days, versus what it means to our frothy friends across the aisle.

Sinema has a 100% rating from Planned Parenthood. She has a D from the NRA. She’s voted to protect Obamacare. She’s for the DREAM Act. She’s passionately anti-war. She did vote to repeal the estate tax, but she opposed the GOP tax scam. Now look at “moderate” Martha McSally, across the screen. All in all, it’s been quite a while since there’s been a Democrat Senator from Arizona, and after 20+ years of Jon Kyl and Jeff Flake, Kyrsten would be a HUGE upgrade.

Also…I’m just sayin’, keep these two “moderates” in mind next time somebody tells you the parties are the same.

Arizona

Ratings:

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Gal

Martha McSally

Martha McSally is trying to skate as a “rational” Republican, since her primary opponents were two of the worst human beings this side of Stephen Miller’s book club, but she still votes with Trump 97.8% of the time. Like so many of the cowardly enablers in her party, she criticized the Turd Emperor once upon a time, but abandoned whatever principles or morality she may have once possessed in her quest for political power.

Yep, she’s so “moderate,” she’s joined her House colleagues in refusing to conduct any oversight of the President, even as new evidence of his crimes surfaces practically daily. She very moderately voted to strip health care from millions of Americans, and to make the GOP’s wealthy donor class even wealthier via the famous tax scam. Surely it is the spirit of moderation that animates her opposition to LGBTQ rights. She’s so moderate on immigration that she drafts hard line “reform” bills. And you just don’t get any more moderate than a 20-week abortion ban, right?

Martha McSally is a veteran with a long, admirable military career. She certainly wouldn’t the worst Republican in the Senate, but this is a golden opportunity to stop the Trump/McConnell agenda cold. Pounce on it!

The Good Guy

Jon Tester

Jon Tester has the fewest fingers in the entire Senate Democratic Caucus, but that doesn’t stop him from serving the good people of Montana with love and distinction. He’s a farmer and a former teacher who worked his way up from the school board all the way to the dang United States Senate, not bad!

Jon’s a moderate, but he’s there when his party needs him most. He voted to pass Obamacare, and he’s voted to protect it from GOP repeal efforts. He voted for Dodd-Frank. For the stimulus bill. For repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. He doesn’t have a lot of showy, headline-making legislation, but he seizes the opportunities he sees, and he gets shit done.

And I think it’d be shame to lose Jon’s voice on the national stage. There aren’t a lot of Democrats representing rural America these days; Tester is damn good at proving our values work all over the country.

Montana

Ratings:

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Likely Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Matt Rosendale

“Maryland” Matt Rosendale was passionately anti-Trump once upon a time, but now that he’s running for the Senate, he think’s Don the Con is just the bee’s knees, which kinda tells you all you need to know about the man. He luuuuuuuvs him some Trump now. He wants to gently spoon Trump through the long, dark, night, and whisper “I will protect you from Bob Mueller” in his ear until the sun comes up. Matt’s just one more multi-millionaire hoping to dupe the rubes into thinking he’s some sort of “man of the people.”

So he’s phoning in the generic GOP platform, hoping “Republican candidate in a red state” is enough to carry him to victory. Honestly the best thing Matt Rosendale has come up with to run on is a fucking Pearl Jam poster. Maybe he’s hoping Eddie Vedder will distract people from his deeply shitty record on health care. Don’t fool yourself, behind his aw-shucks everyman spiel is one more super-wealthy white dude who wants to pass all the fruits of America’s prosperity on to other super-wealthy white dudes.

Gubernatorial Races

The Good Gal

Stacey Abrams

They’re so afraid of Stacey Abrams down in Georgia, they’re trying to close polling places so folks can’t vote for her. Hmmmm…I wonder if that has anything to do with that organization she founded that’s registered a couple hundred thousand voters of color there?

Stacey is a novelist and a job-creating entrepreneur, a lawyer and a former Minority Leader in the Georgia House of Representatives. She works her ass off, and beyond that, she’s exceptionally shrewd. Did you hear the story of how she stopped a massive backdoor tax increase? As a legislator, she’s more the roll-up-your-sleeves-and-get-shit-done type than the stand-in-the-corner-and-make-speeches-about-how-things-oughta-be purist, and frankly that’s why she’d make such a damn good governor.

Abrams would be the first black female governor in American history. She would also be one of the most qualified, effective, officeholders in the entire country. Let’s make some history, folks. Let’s give our friends in Georgia the governor they deserve.

Georgia

Ratings:

Roll Call: Likely Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Brian Kemp

Brian Kemp is the Georgia Secretary of State, and holy shit is he bad at his job. In 2016, he refused to cooperate with federal officials to protect election infrastructure from Russian cyber attacks. Later, in a paranoid fit, he baselessly accused the Department of Homeland Security of hacking into his voter database. He oversaw a massive data breach that led to millions of voters having their Social Security numbers exposed. And when my man Bri isn’t too busy fucking up every other aspect of his job, naturally he enjoys recreationally suppressing the minority vote.

And this fuckhead wants a PROMOTION?

The dude is just a dumb, hateful, jackass. Luckily for him, “dumb, hateful, jackass” is IN in GOP circles these days, so he won his primary by burning crosses and shitting his pants. He doesn’t talk about his record, because his record is trash. He doesn’t talk about policy, because the GOP’s platform has failed. He just whips up shitty old white people’s fears and resentments. The Peach State is changing, and rapidly…will this cheap demagoguery still work? Didn’t save Roy Moore next door…

The Good Guy

Mark Begich

Mark Begich cast one of the 60 crucial votes that passed Obamacare in the U.S. Senate, knowing it could cost him his job. And it very likely did. Now, years later, after all the lives that vote improved and even saved, we’ve finally got a chance to pay Mark back.

Begich is pretty damn sturdy Democrat, coming from such a red state. He’s pro-choice. He’s supported a minimum wage increase. He’ll protect women’s rights, and LGBTQ rights. He’s even decent on the environment, despite serving a state dependent on fossil fuel production. For real, check out Mark’s priorities page; it gets pretty wonky, but this is a dude who has done his homework, and built a comprehensive plan to drive Alaska forward. Education, infrastructure…it’s all there. Candidates this prepared, this thorough, are rare. Reminds me of Hillary Clinton in the best way.

The incumbent Governor, Independent Bill Walker, just dropped out, endorsing Begich and giving us a real shot to win here. Let’s stretch the Blue Wave so far north, Sarah Palin won’t be able to see the end of it from her house.

Alaska

Ratings:

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

Mike Dunleavy

Mike Dunleavy has spent most of the campaign avoiding forums and debates, figuring that the less Alaskans know about his garbage platform and record, the better.

With Alaska suffering a property crime wave due to the opioid epidemic, Mike’s been in the State Senate, cutting the budget for prosecutors, because he’s a fucking genius. He’s voted to cut funding for police, for schools, for senior services. Why? Because like all Republicans, he believes in giving the donor class as much money as possible while regular folks rot.

After writing about 80 of these entries, I can tell you, Dunleavy’s “issues page” is the vaguest, emptiest, “eh, I’m a Republican in a red state,” phoned-in, lame-ass excuse for a platform that I’ve seen anywhere. Is this guy kidding? I did more work getting ready for my job interview at K-Mart in high school.

True story, I found an editorial endorsing Dunleavy that can’t even mention a single accomplishment or position of his; it just craps on the incumbent. Inspirational!

Just a short while back, it looked like a three-way race featuring a vote-splitting independent was going to install this human paperweight in Juneau, but now we’ve got a chance to elect a non-idiot, and I think we should make the most of it.

The Good Guy

Richard Cordray

Richard Cordray has quite the resume; Supreme Court clerk, Ohio Attorney General AND Solicitor General AND Treasurer, first ever Director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, and, wait, what? Undefeated five-day Jeopardy! champ? What more do you need, a free toaster?

He’s tried cases before the Supreme Court. He fought the Wall Street and the Klan. Under his leadership, the CFPB won billions from predatory corporations, on behalf of ordinary, hard-working Americans. He’s lost a few elections along the road, but he always bounces right back, and finds a new way to fight.

Richard Cordray is what a Democratic public servant should be. He fights hard and he fights smart. He gets real results. He helps people. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Ohio

Ratings:

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Mike DeWine

Mike DeWine has been fucking over the good people of Ohio, at various levels of government, since disco was cool. As Ohio’s Attorney General, he’s launched numerous assaults on Obamacare, because healthy Ohioans piss him off, I guess.

Mike is an extreme anti-choice zealot. The remains of aborted fetuses are more important to him than the rights of women, which is kinda fucked up, don’tcha think? As a Senator, he was fairly rational on immigration, but that’s all out the window now as he chases the Trumpified Wall-horny GOP base. He’s exceptionally lousy on LGBTQ rights.

He is, in short, exactly what you’d expect from an wrinkly old white guy who’s spent his life in Republican politics.

This chump actually ENDORSED RICK SANTORUM FOR PRESIDENT. Jesus FUCK. That should disqualify you from human civilization, let alone public office. Give him a backpack full of trail mix and release him into the wild.

The Good Guy

Tony Evers

Tony Evers has devoted his life to education in Wisconsin, heading up the whole shebang as Superintendent of Public Instruction since 2009, after nearly a decade as the deputy. He keeps getting reelected with massive bipartisan majorities, so you know he’s doing something right.

Evers is running on solving problems, rather than simply being a dutiful partisan hack in the employ of the super-rich donor class. He wants to accept the ACA Medicaid expansion Scott Walker has been blocking for years. His platform is in many ways a mirror image of his opponent’s, by which I mean it is “what a decent human being would do were he or she Governor of Wisconsin.”

For real though, check out that platform. Look at all that detail. Tony Evers knows his shit. He has a plan. He’s ready. Maybe it’s the Hillary Clinton voter in me, but I can’t get enough of these hyper-prepared candidates. And wouldn’t it be nice to have a Governor who champions education rather than using schools as a piggy bank for corporate tax breaks?

And you tell Scott’s terrified of Tony by the desperate horseshit he’s spinning in his ads.

Wisconsin

Ratings:

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Scott Walker

In hindsight, Scott Walker really shoulda been recognized as the canary in the coal mine, letting us know Wisconsin was no longer what it used to be. Especially if the canary was a smug jagoff who didn’t want the miners to unionize.

Comically, Scott’s ethical failings stretch as far back as his student government days. He’s basically the Right-Wing Jackass Cinderella, a college dropout who has nevertheless attained substantial political power and uses it exclusively in service to the wealthy and the powerful, assaulting women’s rights and LGBTQ rights and gun control and organized labor and environmentalism and more or less everything even remotely decent.

He’s a mini-proto-Trump; hateful, stupid, prone to exaggerating his accomplishments, and surrounded by crooks. And there’s nothing that gets Scott’s goat quite so much as Democracy; he loves him some voter suppression laws, and even went so far as attempting to avoid special elections altogether, because the political climate didn’t favor his team.

Walker is one of the Koch brothers’ very favorite pets; often they’ll let him curl up on the rug in front of the fire and scratch his head. This is why he has that bald spot, in fact.

Congress is more important, but taking the Governor’s Mansion in this pivotal swing state going into 2020, and firing this despicable walking ass lice once and for all would be a maraschino cherry on top of our election night sundae.

The Good Guy

Andrew Gillum

Andrew Gillum is just the dude we need to wash the RickScottstink off Florida once and for all. He’s been serving as Mayor of Tallahassee since 2014, where he’s put together quite an impressive record, decreasing crime, fighting the NRA, and instituting bold new programs in education and workforce training.

He’s running the most unapologetically progressive campaign the Sunshine State has ever seen. He wants that sweet, sweet Medicaid expansion, maybe because he believes Floridians deserve to…y’know, live. He’s for increasing the minimum wage and funding education and reversing the License to Commit Murder aspects of the Stand Your Ground law. He believes in fighting climate change rather than pretending it doesn’t exist. Oh, and he wants to shut down ICE and start over with a new border enforcement agency without all the monstrosity.

How can not love this guy? Andrew Gillum is a LEADER, y’all. He’s got a vision, and he’s not afraid of bold solutions. And that natural, easy, charisma doesn’t hurt either.

Today, we help Andrew Gillum become Governor of Florida. Someday, maybe not soon, we might just make him President.

Florida

Ratings:

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Ron DeSantis

Ron DeSantis says he’s not racist, but…y’know, it’s like a guy who insists he’s not a baker, but he just keeps on churnin’ out cupcakes. After out-Drumpfing his opponents in the Fever Swamp Knife Fight men call a “Republican primary,” Ron launched his general election campaign with a huge story about his instinctual racism. Looking to regain his footing, he stumbled into another big story about his history of racism, and then another, but then quickly pivoted to a story about how his friends are super racist. And then he circled back around to reminding everyone he’s a raging bigot.

He’s run sort of a gloriously shitty campaign, seemingly without having bothered to construct a platform even by mid-September. I guess he figured he sufficiently won Florida over with that one ad showing he’s raising his kids to be a racist dickbags, too.

Ron is a Tea Partier and Trump sycophant, doing all his shitty little heart can muster to torpedo the Mueller investigation, because he’d rather protect his Turd Emperor than his country. Despite Florida’s recent tragic history of mass shootings, he’s worried that guns still don’t have enough rights. LGBT people, though? No rights for them.

Ron DeSantis isn’t just trash, he’s like, dumpster-behind-a-nursery-level trash, used diapers and vomit-soaked rags. He’s a blithering idiot, a partisan hack fueled by resentment and hate, and I wouldn’t trust him to run an elevator, let alone a whole fucking state.

The Good Guy

Fred Hubbell

Fred Hubbell has had a LIFE, y’all. Success in fields ranging from law to retail to life insurance. Extensive government experience identifying and cutting waste. A truly inspirational lifetime of charitable endeavors. Oh, and he and his wife survived being held hostage in a major terrorist hijacking.

He’s served on the board of Mid-Iowa’s Planned Parenthood. Raised money for disaster relief after the 2008 flooding in eastern Iowa. He helps people, what a novel concept.

He’s for unions n’ health care (particularly fixing the Branstad/Reynolds Medicaid privatization debacle) n’ protecting the environment n’ education (especially expanding access to preschool) n’ maybe even starting a conversation about gun control in this largely rural state.

Like so many of our candidates, Fred Hubbell has developed common-sense solutions for real folks’ problems, while his opponent, like so many Republicans, has offered only relentless partisan dogma, even in the face of observable failure. Easy pick here, friends.

Iowa

Ratings:

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Gal

Kim Reynolds

Kim Reynolds became Iowa’s first female Governor when Terry Branstad was appointed Ambassador to China; she’d been his Lieutenant Governor since 2011.

I don’t know a lot about her, honestly…let’s see what I can dig up.

Hmmm. She’s for voter ID laws, gross. NRA endorsement? Ew. Signed into law a radical abortion ban after six weeks? Absolutely psychotic.  What’s this shit about birth control? And the minimum wage? Crap on unions, crap on Medicaid. Ok, I see what we’ve got here; a standard far-right “fiscal conservative” with an unhealthy dash of theocracy. I don’t think I like her very much, do you?

There’s actually a great deal to admire about Kim Reynolds. But Iowa can do better. And this is a crucially important state heading into a Presidential election that I imagine might matter a wee bit to you.

The Good Gal

Laura Kelly

Laura Kelly is a four-term Kansas State Senator with a hard-won reputation for bipartisanship, fiscal responsibility, and plain ol’ gettin’ shit done. She’s been butting heads with Sam Brownback and his legion of far-right nutcases for years, trying to slow them down as they did all they could to drag Kansas back into the damn dark ages.

Kelly fought to reverse Brownback’s disastrous tax cuts, which made the rich richer while leaving the state so broke they couldn’t afford to keep the lights on in public schools.

And Laura has a long history of fighting for children, whereas her opponent fights for white supremacy. The fact that this is even competitive depresses me.

After years of destructive ultra-right-wing insanity, Laura Kelly has the experience and the plan to get Kansas back on the path to prosperity. She’ll expand Medicaid under the ACA. She’ll fight to improve schools, rather than raiding their budgets in search of extra pennies to pass on to GOP donors. Hell, even former Republican Kansas Governor Bill Graves endorsed her over her megajag opponent.

I spent the first half of my life in Kansas. You probably see it as one of those of those midwestern red states you never bother thinking about, but it’s full of good people who deserve good government. What say we help turn Brownbackistan back into the Sunflower State, huh?

Kansas

Ratings:

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Lean Rep

The Bad Guy

KKKris KKKobach

So, I’ve already written extensively about KKKris here. But there’s an “independent” candidate in this race as well, so let’s talk about the Unbearable Selfishness of Voting Third Party when Republicans are Fielding a Vote-Suppressing White Supremacist.

Greg Orman is a rich guy who likes playing politician. He ran for Senate in 2014, and the Democratic candidate stepped aside for him, but he lost anyway. Badly. Now we’ve got a really good Democratic candidate, and a Republican monster who absolutely must be stopped, with a selfish egomaniac in the middle threatening to fuck shit up, because he got bored with his train set.

If you’re thinking about voting third party, for the love of God, DON’T. Shit like this got Paul LePage re-elected in Maine. Protest votes carry real consequences for the most vulnerable people in our society. Don’t forget, Medicaid expansion is on the table this election; for some Kansans, the stakes are literally life and death. Sam Brownback was shitty enough, and KKKris is like the xenomorph that gestated in his torso before bursting out of his chest.

Anyhow, if you live in Kansas, and you have a friend who’s thinking about voting for Orman, maybe hit him with a rock until he changes his mind.

The Good Guy

JB Pritzker

So, J.B. Pritzker doesn’t really need your help. Everybody hates Bruce Rauner. If Bruce Rauner had a dog, and dogs could vote, then Bruce Rauner’s dog would vote for J.B. Pritzker. And Pritzker’s not just richer than Croesus; Croesus can’t afford to join his country club.

Kinda tough to gin up enthusiasm here. It’s the battle of the billionaires, and I guess our billionaire is nicer than their billionaire. At least J.B. believes we deserve health care and equality and a living wage; four more years of Rauner and we’ll all be working in the mines for credit at the company store.

To his credit, he has the least prominent donate button I’ve ever seen on a campaign home page. Actually, his platform is pretty solid. And hey, maybe his wealth will insulate him from the desire to sell off any Senate seats that happen to open up during his term, unlike SOME people I could mention.

Illinois

Ratings:

Roll Call: Lean Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Likely Dem

The Bad Guy

Bruce Rauner

Bruce Rauner is a raging asshole. I could write a bunch of shit about precisely why he’s a raging asshole. It might even be funny. But again, it’s a couple of billionaires slap-fighting and Rauner’s goose is long since cooked. This is my home state, and I can’t wait to see this crotchfungus lose, but honestly your donations will do more anywhere else. We got this one.

And if we don’t, J.B. can fucking well pay his own bills.

The Good Gal

Gretchen Whitmer

Gretchen Whitmer worked her way up from the Michigan State House to the Senate, where she became the first woman to head up a party caucus. In the Senate, she helped negotiate Michigan’s Medicaid expansion under the ACA. She got the minimum wage raised. She won victories on everything from infrastructure to bullying.

Whitmer even made the most of a short stint as Ingham County Prosecutor (it’s a long story), setting up a Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Unit, among other achievements.

A lot of politicians offer vague plans, and generalized ME MAKE HEALTH CARE BETTER promises. Not Gretchen. Her issues page is almost ridiculously comprehensive and detailed. She’s pro-labor, pro-gun control, pro civil rights, and pro-voting rights. She’s visited every county in the state in order to hear straight from the people what they need from their government, and she’s ready to hit the ground running.

Gretchen Whitmer is a no-bullshit leader who knows what it takes to bring people together to solve problems. With our help, she’ll be one of the best new governors in the nation next January.

Michigan

Ratings:

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Bill Schuette

Bill Schuette is one of those Republican Attorneys General who spends his days looking for some uncrossed T or undotted I in the Affordable Care Act so he can strip health insurance from millions of Americans, and then, presumably, take a gloating victory lap through Michigan’s hospitals and funeral parlors.

Bill’s also all about using the power of his office to discredit the science of climate change, on behalf of Big Oil. I guess he was so busy looking out for mega-corporations, he didn’t have time to pay attention to the Flint water crisis, which he notoriously ignored.

He’s a dutiful NRA lapdog, waving his Death Merchant A+ rating like a flag on the campaign trail, and pushing the bonehead idea that schools would be a whole lot safer if only the chemistry teacher was packing heat. Billy’s unique interpretation of Michigan law finds that silencers have legal protections, but LGBTQ humans? Not so much.

And hey, you wouldn’t be a GOP AG if you didn’t at least dabble in fucking with folks’ voting rights, and Bill’s no exception, with his crusade to eliminate straight-ticket voting, against the repeatedly-expressed wishes of the Michigan electorate.

Add up all Bill Schuette’s positions, doesn’t it seem like he just…dislikes people and wants their lives to be shittier? Makes sense he was Dorito Mussolini’s hand-picked candidate in the primary…

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