Shower Cap’s Midterms Six-Packs

Awesome Women: The Veterans

These women have already served their country in some of the most dangerous spots on Earth, surely they can handle the House of Representatives. Somebody tell the Good ol’ Boys Club, this is what REAL toughness looks like.

The Good Gal

Elaine Luria

Oh wow, I like Elaine Luria. A barrier-breaking 20-year Navy veteran, and an entrepreneur, and…hell, read her bio yourself, I can’t do any better. A lifetime of service, experience, and risk-taking. This is what ALL our elected should be like. Elaine has a motto: Be Good, Do Good Work. I tell you what folks, look at the platform, look at the candidate…we have an embarrassment of riches this November, but Elaine Luria might just be my personal favorite.

Virginia

VA-02

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep

Roll Call: Lean Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Scott Taylor

So, Scott Taylor’s supposed to be a moderate. So “moderate” he voted for the AHCA, knowing it would wreck millions of American lives. He also voted for the GOP tax scam, even as he neglected to pay his own taxes. Scotty’s actually super shady, from his business history to his campaign forging signatures in an attempt to get a vote-splitting independent on the ballot. With a borderline Grand Wizard heading the GOP ticket in VA this fall, we’ve got a surprisingly good chance to pick off this seat. Let’s pounce on it.

The Good Gal

Amy McGrath

Amy McGrath spent 20 years in the Marine Corps, breaking barriers and flying 89 combat missions. She’s a fierce campaigner, beating an establishment favorite in the primary she once trailed by 47 points, so she’d surely be an upgrade over an invisible foot soldier like Andy Barr. By the way, if you want to see something impressive, read through Amy’s insanely detailed, district-focused economic plan.

Kentucky

KY-06

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Andy Barr

Andy Barr is a another one of those cookie-cutter GOP drones, a bland, white, male, lawyer who wants to cut rich people’s taxes and take health care away from millions of Americans. Of course he’s garbage on women’s rights, LGBT rights, the environment, taxes, gun control…is there some factory where they churn out cheap clones of the Generic Republican? Like, “Soylent Conservatives,” or something?

The Good Gal

Gina Ortiz Jones

Gina Ortiz Jones is an Air Force veteran, and a former intelligence officer and civil servant who resigned in protest of Donald Trump’s fuckery, and then turned around and decided to boot one of his congressional sycophants straight to the private sector. Gina has squeezed several lifetimes worth of service, leadership, sacrifice and just plain hard-ass work into 37 short years. She’s focused on her district and sees right through her phony opponent.  Plus she’d be the first openly gay woman of color to serve Texas in the House.

Texas

TX-23

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Lean Rep

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Will Hurd

Will Hurd is one of those Republicans who likes to make occasional tsk tsk sounds at Trump, but still votes with him 95% of the time. This is particularly important in this race, because Hurd’s whole brand is Calm Rational Bipartisan Centrist. See, he paints himself as a noble moderate, but he votes like a right-wing fanatic. WE SEE YOU, WILL. In addition, Hurd, a former intelligence officer, has been one of Devin “PF” Nunes’ loyal stooges, so fuck him with a goddamn rake.

The Good Gal

Mikie Sherrill

Mikie Sherrill served as a helicopter pilot in the U.S. Navy, attaining the rank of lieutenant commander, earned degrees from the U.S. Naval Academy, the London School of Economics and Political Science, and Georgetown University, and oh yeah, worked as an Assistant United States Attorney. Not bad, as resumes go. Sherrill is running on a solid slate of issues and raising money like a motherfucker in her bid to flip this district held by Republican Rodney Frelinghuysen since the late Cretaceous Period.

 

New Jersey

NJ-11

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Likely Dem

Roll Call: Tilt Dem

Cook: Lean Dem

Sabato: Lean Dem

The Bad Guy

Jay Webber

Jay Webber is pretty much your standard Bland Ultra-Right White Dude. One of those Guns Should Have More Rights Than Women types. As a state legislator, he tried to amend the New Jersey constitution to outlaw marriage equality. He also opposed equal pay laws. And of course he echoes Wee Don’s shitty immigration rhetoric. Seems Webber’s problem is with equality generally. So if you’re an insecure white dude who’s terrified of sharing the world, vote Jay Webber! Otherwise, I recommend Mikie Sherrill.

The Good Gal

Elissa Slotkin

Elissa Slotkin served three tours with the CIA in Iraq, and then worked as a national security official under Presidents Bush and Obama, so naturally her dirtbag opponent is hitting her for not living in the district while she served her country in the Pentagon and overseas. Slotkin jumped into the race when she saw Mike Bishop’s shit-eating grin in the Rose Garden, celebrating the House’s passage of the constituent-murdering AHCA. Basically, Elissa Slotkin was fighting ISIS while her opponent was fighting to steal health insurance from his own constituents, so…yeah, this choice ain’t hard.

Michigan

MI-08

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Toss-Up

Roll Call: Tilt Rep

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Mike Bishop

What can you say about Mike Bishop? Fucking NOTHING, that’s what. Google him yourself, you don’t believe me. This dude is useless. You get the impression he just naps in the back of the House floor, waking up periodically to vote for whatever shit Trump wants. Two terms in Washington, what has this doorstop accomplished? I poked around the jagoff’s own website, I can’t find anything. You could replace this guy with a can of Flarp and it’d be an upgrade.

The Good Gal

Abigail Spanberger

Abigail Spanberger, a former CIA operative, is running in part on national security, since her opponent is a spineless enabler of Russian attacks on our democracy, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?  David Brat is so afraid of her, he won’t debate her. Her platform also focuses on health care, gun control, and all sorts of other good shit you’ll like. Wouldn’t you like to see a badass Democratic woman sitting in Eric Cantor’s old chair?

Virginia

VA-07

Ratings:

FiveThirtyEight: Lean Rep

Roll Call: Toss-Up

Cook: Toss-Up

Sabato: Toss-Up

The Bad Guy

Dave Brat

Once upon a time, Dave Brat was the Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of the lunatic right, blindsiding a napping Eric Cantor, because HE THOUGHT ERIC CANTOR WASN’T A BIG ENOUGH BASTARD. One of the frothiest maniacs in the Freedom Caucus, Brat thinks mass-shooting survivors are “crisis actors,” and really hates it when his female constituents get in his “grill” about his repeated attempts to take their health care away. You know the good folks in Virginia are all fired up to repeat their 2017 Blue Wave and wash this fanatic away for good.

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