Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
We Almost Went to War with Iran This Week, But it’s the Gwyneth Paltrow News That’s Got Me Shook
Y’know, it’s been one of the bat-shittier weeks of the entire Shart regime, but I really thought I could handle everything and persevere with my madness-chroniclin’ duties, but then I found out about Gwyneth Paltrow’s vag-scented candle, and…that did it, folks. That one broke me. Any paragraphs that are not pure gibberish tonight are simply the last gasps of a dying brain.
The House and the Senate continue their slap fight over the impeachment trial. Nancy Pelosi would like Mitch McConnell to behave as though the Constitution were some sort of legally binding document, while Wrinkly Gamera would prefer to move past all those pesky stories of the Senate GOP’s complicity in Il Douche’s treasonous crime spree and get back to focusing on the work of transforming drooling right wing idiot bloggers into federal judges.
Visibly-Decomposing Propaganda Spigot Lou Dobbs has had it up to his jowls with ungrateful Americans who don’t understand their “obligations” to Emperor Turdmaggot, because he is Hawt 4 Fascism. Gotta say, Lou, I checked the Constitution, and my only “obligation” to your cheap conman overlord is to tell him precisely where he can stick his shitty, loser, wannabe dictatorship.*
We all know Squeezably Soft Telefascist Sebastian Gorka is a lying goon, a faux intellectual, and a basement-dwelling internet troll’s idea of an “alpha male,” but did you also know he’s pervy old creep who likes to sneer and joke about teenage girls’ bodies? Honestly, it would be quite surprising if ol’ Seb ever demonstrated a single non-repulsive personality trait, wouldn’t it?
Well, Tuesday night sure was fun, as Iran’s inevitable retaliation for the Suleimani killing, in the form of missile strikes on U.S. bases in Iraq, kept us up all night worrying about whether one blithering manchild’s fragile ego would really launch another senseless, bloody, forever war.
Anyway, after a good night’s sleep and apparently taking All the Drugs in the World, President Crotchrot gave one of his trademark rambling, sniffly, teleprompter speeches Wednesday morning. He blamed everything on Obama, and claimed credit for totally, 100%, defeating ISIS, which’ll be news to all the ISIS fighters he got released from prison in Syria, all the while slurring his speech like a Cubs fan singing the seventh inning stretch, but at least he didn’t fuck shit up as much as he could have, so if Lindsey Graham feels like giving that sad, barely-coherent, rant a five-star rating on Yelp, I’ll just chuckle and say, “Hey, hope you a least got a round of golf out of this latest humiliating debasement, kid.”
Now, I know most of my readers are lefty commie pinko types, so it is my sad duty to request that y’all kindly stop luvving terrorists so dang much. Stop taking terrorists to the movies and pulling the I’m-yawning-no-wait-I’m-actually-putting-my-arm-around-you bit. Stop taking them to malt shops and looking longingly into their eyes over shared strawberry milkshakes. And stop booty-calling ISIS in the middle of the night for Pete’s sake! Patriotic Republicans like Doug Collins, Kevin McCarthy, and Nikki Haley are tired of your terrorist sympathies, Democrats, and they’ll keep on making the same old totally-in-good-faith-wink-wink arguments until you break up with your al-Qaeda boyfriends!
Anyway, you could be forgiven for losing track of all the different bullshit excuses the Treasonweasel Administration has offered to justify the Suleimani assassination, because the story changes from hour to hour and liar to liar. It was either retaliation for the recent death of a contractor or an emergency intervention necessary to prevent an imminent attack and no we absolutely cannot provide any evidence whatsoever to back our shit up but how dare you impugn our integrity when have we ever lied to you except every single fucking day since taking office? To hear it told, either Iran was about to blow up every American embassy in the world (sure they were, Shart-Shart), or maybe some minor diplomat just stink-palmed Mike Pompeo at the U.N. last year.
Vice President Mike Pants insists there’s special super-secret intelligence backing up whatever crap Boss Shart happens to be spinning (nine embassies and a Steak ‘n Shake outside Indianapolis by now, surely) but us plebes can’t see it on account of how special and super-secret it is, and lordy, you jagoffs have pulled this shit so many times we’ve beaten the Canadian Girlfriend gag to death. Y’all are the shitshow that altered a weather map with a goddamn marker. No, you do not have secret intelligence. No, we don’t believe you. While we’ve got your attention, no, you’re not a real Christian, either, and also the potato salad you bring to every GOP potluck tastes like moldy ass.
The utter ridiculousness of the administration’s lazy bullshit was enough to make Utah Senator Mike Lee briefly manifest his long-absent spinal column, calling out Team Fuckhead for their insultingly shitty “intelligence briefing,” and even threatening to support the Democratic war powers resolution, a rare assertion of “Hey, we are so a co-equal branch of government, the Constitution sez so!” from a party increasingly defined by bootlicking sycophancy. Lee’s principled rebellion lasted almost an entire day, before he returned to his customary groveling.
Of course, at the risk of cutting through the crap for a minute, the Wall Street Journal, that fake nooz liberal rag, reports Shart Garfunkel ordered the strike in a desperate attempt to bribe an unknown handful of GOP Senators into looking the other way on the whole “high crimes and misdemeanors” thing. Seems like a totally legit reason to toss a sackful of badgers and firecrackers into the Mid East powderkeg, doesn’t it? He really would burn the entire world to cinder for just one solitary scoop of ice cream for himself, y’know.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag has been lying low since a series of embarrassing photo ops with his Duchess of White Privilege trophy wife, but he’s resurfaced with a bold new plan for an American economy that benefits everyone, not just the already-wealthy, and JUST KIDDING he’s apparently spending his time these days doing all he can to hide the cost of Strawberry Shartcake’s weekly golf vacations to the Secret Service from the American public, i.e. the poor suckers footing the fuckin’ bill. Real meaningful life you’ve got there, Steve. Congratulations.
Meanwhile, the Die Peasants Die Administration is trying take your cake and eat theirs too, asking the courts to kindly delay any Obamacare-destroying activities until after the 2020 election, so they won’t be held electorally accountable for, y’know, condemning millions to unnecessary suffering, bankruptcy, and death. They still want to kill a bunch of Americans, understand, they just want their votes first.
It wouldn’t be a week in Shartopia without the Wayne Gretzky of Losing in Court losing in court again, and sure enough, the Sunny D-Bag’s feeble attempt to dismiss E. Jean Carroll’s defamation lawsuit went the way of the overwhelming majority of his legal endeavors: straight down the judicial crapper, and also he noticed too late that there is no toilet paper in the stall. When Littlefinger dies, the one thing I will miss is watching him lose in court.
While we’re on the subject, yet another right-wing conspiracy theory has collapsed under the weight of reality, as the Justice Department finally wrapped up their investigation into that always-obviously-horseshit Uranium One nonsense, concluding that you can’t prosecute Hillary Clinton for totally made-up reasons, no matter how much you really, really, want to. Of course, in the lunatic far-right media bubble, this will no doubt be greeted not as a grudging exoneration of HRC, but as still more evidence of the fearsome might of the deep state pedophile pizzagate Muslim Brotherhood Democrap libtard cabal, and how fun is it that millions of our fellow citizens have been so thoroughly brainwashed/radicalized**?
Dang, that’s gonna disappoint Bronco Billy Barr, who already has enough on his plate with his Please Help Me Make Up Shit About Joe Biden, If He Wins I’m Going to Jail world tour, and now the New York City Bar Association is asking Congress to formally investigate his ongoing efforts to turn the Department of Justice into a partisan cudgel, wielded on behalf of a dirtbag cult of shitty white supremacist losers. Did I say “shitty white supremacists?” Because that’s redundant. Anyway, fuck Bill Barr.
As he usually does when he needs a little break from the daily grind of failing at everything, Government Cheese Goebbels hosted another one of his little Klan rallies, because stoking the resentments of the shittiest white people in the world is just what he does to unwind after a long day of stealing taxpayer money and fucking up literally everything he can get his tiny, inadequate, little hands on. He seemed oddly obsessed with Adam Schiff’s neck this time, as though his own doesn’t resemble a manatee’s scrotum. Oh, and he described Democrats as “vicious, horrible people,” which is a funny way for a President to talk about the majority of his constituents, if you ask me.
And the How Is It Even Possible to Suck This Much Administration formally revoked the earlier “Fine, you want us to leave, we’ll leave, fine. FINE!” letter accidentally sent to Iraq, issuing a new “We’re staying whether you like it or not WE’RE A FORCE FOR GOOD” statement, what could POSSIBLY go wrong? Everybody loves an occupier, right? That’s like, a proverb or some shit, surely. Greeted as Liberators, Invited to Weekly Game Night as Occupiers. Surely.
Whew. After a week overflowing with that much hot bullshit, I bet everybody could use a little good news to purge that lingering turd taste and start your weekend off on the right foot. I am delighted to find myself in a position to offer y’all just such a figurative breath mint.
In my home state of Kansas, for example, shiny new Democratic Governor Laura Kelly struck a deal with Senate Republicans to expand Medicaid, bringing health care coverage to more than 100,000 residents of the Trust Me We’ve Already Heard Your Wizard of Oz Joke state!
You want more good news? Ok, that’s a little greedy, but how about the New York Senate passing an automatic voter registration bill? How about the all-new, all-blue government in Virginia standing up to maniacal militia types and passing some common-sense gun control bills?
Look, you’re gonna fill up on good news, and you won’t want your supper…I should stop, but HOLY SHIT RBG IS CANCER-FREE, Y’ALL! I’ll drink to that all fuckin’ night long! Shit, I’ve been celebrating that news so hard, it’s a miracle I sobered up long enough to write this blog!***
In return for this Pepperidge Farm gift basket of good news, I do have a favor to ask. I’m launching the Kickstarter for my very first comic book, The Worth & The Cost, this coming Tuesday, and I could really your help. It’s a nifty little Resistance fable, a stand-alone sci-fi story about getting off of the sidelines and onto the front lines, and I think you’ll really dig it. If y’all can help me spread the word, or even chip in if you’re able, well, I’d just be happier than a Trump in a beauty pageant dressing room!
P.S., the Kickstarter will feature some really fun rewards for fans of the blog, in limited quantities, so sign up for updates and don’t miss ‘em!
*Up his ass, is the implication here, if that was somehow unclear.
**SO fun, right?
***I did not, in fact, sober up before writing this blog.