Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
We Can Talk About Sessions and Acosta, Sure. But Let’s Celebrate that Sweet, Sweet Blue Wave!
Hey there Shower Captives! How does it feel to have a few big fat fuckin’ WINS under your belt? How does it feel to have finally, FINALLY installed some checks on this wannabe-authoritarian goon squad’s power? I’m pretty sure it feels good, though I haven’t sobered up since about 6:30 Tuesday night, so I can’t say for certain.
Well, by now I’m sure you’re all totally worn out by the wall-to-wall coverage of the migrant caravan, which draws ever nearer to-HAHAHAHAHHAHAH totally kidding that turned out to be exactly what it looked like, a trick to weaponize the news media as a GOTV tool for Shart Garfunkel’s shitty, fearful, racist base! And it worked! And now we can move on until the next time he feels like playing that particular fiddle.
Just before the midterms, a couple of Fux Nooz hosts hopped up onstage at one of Government Cheese Goebbels’ little hate rallies, a major no-no that would’ve gotten anybody at an actual news network immediately fired. But since Fux is actually nothing more than an elaborate dumbass-brainwashing machine, Judge Jeanine and Sean Hannity will likely face significantly lighter punishment, like maybe having their office fridges filled with Tab for a week.
As for the midterms themselves? We’ll get to that in a minute.
Flash forward to Wednesday.
Desperate to change some headlines following the rather thorough paddling administered by the electorate, Dorito Mussolini threw a little press conference, apparently intended to demonstrate how utterly terrified he is of being held accountable by the incoming Congress. He stamped and moaned and yelled at the mean ol’ press for their unforgivable insistence on reporting all the shitty things he does, and generally came off like, well, like a spoiled little rich boy with debilitating narcissism who doesn’t know how to cope with not getting what he wants. Funny, that.
And then a Shart House intern was dispatched to literally snatch the microphone out of Jim Acosta’s hand, mid-question, and I tell you folks, I really need to come up with some funnier synonyms for “straight-up banana republic shit” going forward, or this blog is gonna get awfully repetetive.
Shit got significantly more cray when the Keystone SS Agents in the press shop used the incident to rescind Acosta’s credentials, claiming somewhat hilariously that he had assaulted the intern in question, despite, y’know…a room full of cameras proving otherwise.
So Sarah Huckleberry Slanders, America’s own personal grimacing Mouth of Sauron, tweets out a video of the incident…that’s been DOCTORED BY FUCKING INFOWARS. Yes, the website run by the emotional terrorist who was most recently seen shrieking at a literal pile of poo, figured they’d remove Acosta’s instinctual “Pardon me, ma’am” from the audio track, and for good measure tweak the speed here and there to make it appear that Jim was auditioning for some sort of Iron Fist reboot.
Now, one the one hand, it’s legit terrifying that our government is doing this. Intentionally circulating falsified evidence from an official White House account? Yeah, that’s Orwell-for-Dummies shit. And of course, it’ll be accepted not only unquestioningly, but most merrily by a large chunk of their demented base, which is really quite well-trained to fear and despise any perceived enemies without asking for any of that pesky “evidence.”
On the other hand…hey assholes, your base-only approach got your party taint-punted over the horizon on Tuesday! A clear majority of Americans see right through this clumsy crap. And it makes us double and re-double our efforts to boot your crooked asses out once and for all, every single time. It’s horrifying fascism, yes, but it’s coming from folks with Velcro on their jackboots because they can’t handle laces.
…thank GOD these people aren’t smarter.
Hey, how long did your heart stop when you got that push notification about Ruth Bader Ginsburg getting hospitalized? WOOOOOOOOOO. But of course it’ll take more that a few cracked ribs to keep the Notorious RBG down. However, her scheduled cage match with Steve Bannon may be postponed for a week.
Another motherfucking mass shooting, this time at a bar in southern California, killing 12. The shooter appears to be a marine veteran, possibly suffering from PTSD, which is just goddamn tragic. Especially, it would seem, to the right wing fucknutosphere, which giddily reported the shooter was Middle Eastern, only to have him turn out to be yet another murderous white male. Anyway, everyone dutifully issued retractions and apologies and HAHAHA HERE’S ANOTHER UPDATE ON THAT CARAVAN, SUCKERS.
Senator-Elect/Soulless Person-Shaped Husk Marsha Blackburn broke the land speed post-shooting indecency record, skipping over the thoughts and the prayers (both!) to cut directly to ranting about how it’s the second amendment, and not human lives, that must be protected in the aftermath of the latest completely avoidable slaughter. “We must fight to secure the right of all future Americans to have their lives senselessly cut short at any moment, in any location. I want to make sure that tomorrow’s grief-wrecked parents get to experience all the same feelings of loss, confusion, and horror as today’s,” said Blackburn, probably.
I just wish more people had listened to Tay-Tay, is all I’m sayin’
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III became the latest Drumpf lackey to learn the true meaning of that scorpion story Fat Q*Bert is so fond of telling. Ah, Jeff, you gave him legitimacy when he had none, and now where are you? Unemployed, and exiled from the movement as a heretic. Were it not for the potentially catastrophic consequences of your firing, I could put down a whole goddamn case of MGD celebrating your humiliation, but I have a country to worry about, so fuck you for that too.
Jeff Sessions is one the very worst people in America today. A resentful little troll driven by ignorance and hate, his disturbingly long public career was devoted exclusively to preserving the unearned supremacy of Mediocre White Dudes, who should probably make him their patron saint. As Attorney General, he woke up every day, skipped to the office, sat down at his desk, and tried to hurt as many people as he could before quittin’ time rolled around. He did everything in his power to keep brown-skinned folks either out of the country or in prison for minor drug offenses. He rolled back protections for minorities wherever possible. I wish him shingles and gout and perpetual sunburns on those ridiculous ears.
So, the Acting Attorney General seems to be a dog-eared copy of a Bill O’Reilly novel, crusty from the long-dried spooj of whatever wingnut kept in on his bedside table. Unconstitutionally appointed, no less.
Seriously, this Whitaker doofus is a hack even by the standards of the administration that figured Ben Carson and Betsy DeVos should be cabinet secretaries. A goddamn hot tub salesman. Wait, no. A FAKE hot tub salesman. How did he get here? Well, Littlefinger saw him on the magic teevee box and liked the way he belched up lies and talking points, so he was made Sessions’ chief of staff/replacement-in-waiting. RAD.
(And what’s tragically hilarious here is, Whitaker apparently pursued this strategy intentionally. Go on television, massage the Presidential ego, and then sit back and wait until enormous power gets dropped directly in your lap. HA HA HA IF ANYONE NEEDS ME I’LL BE DIGGING A FALLOUT SHELTER IN THE BACK YARD.)
Anyway, yeah, an utterly unqualified stooge is now running the Justice Department and overseeing the Mueller investigation. Would you like fries with your constitutional crisis?
And recounts seem to be on the menu in Florida! Andrew Gillum’s race is close enough to trigger a mandatory machine recount. Bill Nelson’s is close enough for a MANUAL recount. And there’s a lotta smoke and noise right now, but maybe there’s some shady shit goin’ down. Point is, nothing is over. We’re in for another fight.
Nervous Republicans all the way up to Marco Rubio and Ronna **Romney** McDaniel have chosen to spin the simple act of making sure every vote is counted into a massive Democratic conspiracy theory to steal the election, confident their perpetually-inflamed rube base will accept and spread their horseshit without any factual support whatsoever.
…and they’re right.
But let’s just take a quick minute to appreciate how Democrats are FIGHTING this shit, huh? Gone are the days of “Oh, those rascally Republicans and their vote suppression! They got away with it again!” Nah. Stacey Abrams will not be conceding, thank you very much. Oh, and by the way, she CERTAINLY won this election. Even after Brian Kemp pulled out every dirty trick in the voter suppression book, and invented a few new ones, she’s STILL within spitting distance of a mandatory runoff. We beat Republicans in Georgia, and they may not wind up being able to cheat their way out of admitting it.
Another fight. You down?
I’ll tell you what though, Resisters. Thanks to your hard work and devotion, your relentless drive through all the horrors of the last two years, we ROUTED the Rube Army this week. A big, beautiful, Blue Wave swept from sea to shining sea, and it washed a whole lotta garbage away, didn’t it?
I wanted to save this for last, because FUCK the Marmalade Shartcannon and his dopey attempts to shanghai the news cycle, we WON. We won big, we won wide, and we won all over the fucking place.
I hope Pete Sessions’ll be ok; I wonder if he even knows how to make a living without abusing the power of public office. Who will keep Dana Rohrabacher in borscht and vodka now? Peter Roskam will have to take his phony histrionics to dinner theatre, cuz C-SPAN won’t be carrying him anymore. Poor Scott Walker, he signed the very bill that stripped his future self of the right to call for a recount!
And my ol’ pal from back home, KKKris KKKobach, failed in his bid to turn the disastrous Brownbackistan experiment around by launching a lucrative cross-burning industry out among the verdant fields of my beloved Kansas. Gimme a minute, I may weep.
…ok. I did not weep. I may’ve laughed hard enough to throw out my back, though.
Seriously, we have an AMAZING freshman class coming in. Aren’t you gonna love watching Abigail Spanberger sitting in Dave Brat’s seat? Eric Cantor’s seat? How about amazing gun control advocate Lucy McBath sending the odious Karen Handel packing? Bonus points to Xochitl Torres Small for winning after her opponent had already delivered a victory speech. And there’s still plenty more votes to count!
I love everybody on our team. We’ll be doing something new with the ol’ Action Guide soon, but click over there and meet the rookies if you haven’t already! Though I never got around to surprise winners Max Rose (NY-11), Joe Cunningham (SC-01), and Kendra Horn (OK-5)! These good, good, people will need your help very soon, I hope you’ll keep them in mind.
But the good news doesn’t stop there. Hell no. We won a bunch of governor’s mansions and hundreds of state legislative seats, including flipping seven state chambers. We cut into a few GOP super-majorities. We took the majority of America’s AG offices. We stocked the bench with tomorrow’s Representatives, Senators, Governors…Presidents?
You want ballot initiatives? I got ballot initiatives coming out of my hairy white ass, folks. Medicare expansion won big. Voting rights won big, especially in Florida, which restored the franchise to 1.2 million felons who’ve paid their debt to society. Pot won. Minimum wage hikes won. Shit, the coattails of Dem Decency were so long, we even made life better for DOGS.
Just for a little gravy, we got to send America’s least favorite would-be theocrat/petty local tyrant, Kim Davis, home as well. Bye, Kim!
We took a couple of lumps, yeah. That’s fine. But Nate Silver is saying, once the counting is done, we’ll have carried the popular vote in the House by 7-8%, and 8 million votes. We’ve taken the suburbs away from the GOP, and we’ll hold them in 2020. We made huge gains with college-educated white women. We finally started nominating amazing non-white/straight/male candidates, and lo and behold, non-white/straight/male voters turned out to support them! We’re assembling the coalition that will take back the whole dang country in two short years.
Most importantly, (to me, anyway*) we absolutely steamrolled ‘em in Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin. No PA, MI, and WI, no chance for a second turd. Er, “term.”
And hey, who’s lookin’ all sexy and swing-y in that new, purple outfit? Hayyyyyy Georgia! Hayyyyy Arizona.
Not saying it’ll be easy. It won’t be. But we’re battle-tested now. We spent two long-ass years walking up a volcano as it launched scalding-hot shit in our faces every single fucking step of the way, and we planted our fucking flag at the summit.
And then we wiped our brows. Sat down for a minute. Had a beer. Stood up. Said, “Cool. What’s next?”
The answer, it seems, is immediate protests, all across the country, in support of Mueller. To Donald Trump and his significantly-reduced gaggle of craven sycophants, I say…we can do this all day, every day.
PS, Well, well, well…while I was draftin’ up tonight’s blog, who should pull ahead in her Senate race but Kyrsten Sinema? No wonder the GOP is suing to prevent folks’ votes from getting counted. Can’t take your eyes off these fucks for a goddamn minute.
*I am, ultimately, just a random dipshit in a mask and a bathrobe.