Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Weirdest Thing About Today’s News is Stephen Miller Ever Imagining His Food HASN’T Been Spit In.
Honestly, I would like to be released from this so-called Fun House now. It’s been a year and a half. The cotton candy is stale, the mirrors make me look bloated and orange, and the clowns insist on setting foreign policy.
I wonder if Mike Pompeo has noticed the Cuck Me sign King Jong-un taped to his back yet? Yes, North Korea has done what everyone whose brain isn’t being deprived of oxygen by a too-tight MAGA cap knew they’d do, and said “thanks for all the unilateral concessions you blistering rubes, no we’re not giving you anything you want, it’s not our fault you took a dozen victory laps before you bothered to get anything in writing.”
Rudy Giuliani crawled out of whatever sewer drain he’s been hiding in the last couple of weeks to set new terms for his Swollen Ostomy Bag client to sit for an interview with the Mueller investigation. Rudy demands a week’s supply of over-cooked steaks, plus thirty pounds of cherry Starbursts hand-selected by Kevin McCarthy, and will only agree to converse around the very table Ben Carson tried to order with taxpayer money but was forced to return.
Oh, and he wants Rugged Robert to present his evidence of criminal wrongdoing up front, as a condition of the interview. That’s a trial, Rudy. What you’re describing is a trial, and, y’know…careful whatcha wish for.
I guess we’re still talking about Alan Dershowitz, which surely must mean he’s been bitten by a radioactive Judicial Watch post and has scaled the Empire State Building to spout quasi-legal gibberish about how the President is above the law even while enduring social shunning from the biplanes he expected to attack him.
Did you catch WaPo’s fascinating-if-depressing deep dive into how Tangerine Idi Amin conducts diplomacy, which is to to say, with all the misplaced confidence of a subpar white dude who repeatedly fell back on daddy’s money to bail him out of trouble? Unwilling to prepare, blindly trusting the same pudding-headed instincts that got him played by a ten-cent thug like Kim Jong-un, bullying our closest allies even while melting to softest putty in Vladimir Putin’s eager paws…let’s look on the bright side and just celebrate that he hasn’t gotten us all killed yet.
Senator Ron Johnson seems to have returned from his Independence Day vacation in Moscow on the Russian payroll. Congratulations, Vlad…you have compromised the Dumbest Senator in All the Land. I’m sure as long as you help him with childproof lids and keep him in Velcro shoes, he’s yours for life.
I confess I lose track of all the open white supremacist/nazi candidates running for office as Republicans this year. I’m pretty sure I covered the god-is-a-white-supremacist dude, but the Holocaust denier is new, right? Anyway, the institutional GOP is (pretending to be) mystified and appalled at this totally unforeseen development, and by the way Santa Claus is white and the last President was born in Kenya and welfare queens and Willie Horton and “David Duke without the baggage” and HOLY SHIT WHO LET ALL THESE WHITE SUPREMACISTS IN HERE? (blinks innocently)
(And yes, during the drafting of this piece, yet ANOTHER story of a GOP candidate for Congress openly espousing white supremacist ideals broke. They can have a little Klan Kaucus!)
Maybe I’m focusing too much on the racism in the Republican Party. Let’s switch gears and talk about the sexism in the Republican Party. Meet “Reverend” Mark Harris, GOP candidate in the North Carolina 9th, who worries that it may not be “healthy” for the womenfolk to seek careers and independence and what have you, when they really ought be making babies and their husbands’ dinner.
(And then let’s donate to Mark’s Democratic opponent, Dan McCready.)
Or perhaps we should wrap all the racism and sexism up into one shitty, hate-belching package, a package that would look suspiciously like San Bernardino Deputy DA Michael Selyem, whose social media feed is full of such bilious bigotry as you rarely encounter outside the dinner parties of high-ranking White House officials.
Team Shart decided to suspend billions in ACA payments to insurers, presumably because they want a bunch of headlines about astronomical premium increases heading in the midterms, because they are POLITICAL GENIUSES.
I guess some jagoffs are making a little Roe v Wade propaganda flick, casting every right wing nutcase from Stacey Dash to Tammy Lasorda or whatever her name is to Pedophilia Apologist Milo Yagotnobookdealnomo. It’s going so well they’re hiding the true nature of the project, and even the script, from the folks working on it, who seem to be dropping out with some regularity. I’m sure they’ll have all the success they deserve.
Gosh golly gee, it seems President Shartcannon’s highest-profile toadies keep having unpleasant confrontations in public with a subset of Americans you might call “decent human beings,” who don’t enjoy having their country looted by a petty grifter who steals from charity, brags about sexual assault, and rips children from their parents and throws them into fucking cages like a jackbooted goddamn fascist.
Poor enablers! Look, Kellyanne…you will never be welcome in the company of decent Americans ever again. Ever. That’s the price for what you’re doing. And Stephen Miller, OF COURSE the fucking restaurant spit in your food. If you’re lucky they only spit in it. YOU WILL NEVER EAT A CLEAN MEAL FROM A RESTAURANT AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE, BECAUSE YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON WHO DOES HORRIBLE THINGS. Assume all your take-out took a pit stop inside a human ass en route to the styrofoam container.
You guys, the Deep Dish State is totally out to get Jim Jordan, via a nefarious plot to drop him in the middle of a culture of pervasive sexual abuse 20 years ago and making him the sort of cowardly shitsack who wouldn’t do jack shit to stop it. I guess we’re also supposed to believe that he had a legitimate shot at being Speaker of House, and this whole thing is about taking him down? I guess while we’re spinnin’ shit, Jim Jordan owns a griffin, and also beat The Rock at arm wrestling. Sure. Why not?
So I guess the official policy of the United States is anti-breast-feeding now, didja see that? Every time you think these assclowns have run out of new ways to embarrass the nation on the world stage while undermining our values, they pull another Donnie Darko bunny out of the hat.
Yes, the Turdweasel delegation to the World Health Organization tried to bully the whole freakin’ world out of a resolution promoting breast feeding, threatening severe retaliation against any nation that introduced it until GUESS WHO rode to the rescue? That’s right…RUSSIA. Uncle Vlad gets to play Global Good Guy, while the bully in the black hat (that’s US, for the record) slinks away, thwarted.
Anyway, be on the lookout for Trump Brand Baby Formula, which will just be unpurchased Trump steaks mashed up in unpurchased Trump vodka.
The trade war is going about as well as you’d expect. The Manchurian Manchild marched onto the field, wearing naught save an overflowing diaper, and lobbed a few ill-conceived tariffs at the rest of the world, based on some nebulous “ideas” about steel being…I dunno, the Single Best Thing in the Whole Fucking World or something.
The rest of world fought back by actually, y’know, thinking shit through, targeting their retaliatory tariffs on industries and regions designed to inflict maximum damage on Shart Garfunkel’s political prospects. The Chinese in particular have zeroed in on his shitty base down to the county level. So basically the United States showed up to a gunfight with a bag of styrofoam peanuts.
Looking across th’pond for a minute, things are getting downright BARMY over there, amirite?
Resignations aplenty in the British government, I guess because Brexit isn’t Brexity enough for some folks? I won’t pretend to understand what’s going on, but still, you read about the resignation of a bloviating idiot with ridiculous hair, and it gets your hopes up, y’know?
By now I’m sure you’ve heard about the giant orange baby balloon set to greet Fat Q*Bert upon his arrival in London. It’s amusing enough on its own, but if I can just put together the right team, I’ve got an excellent Prince-and-the-Pauper-style plan to switch ‘em, leaving the real Bloat tethered to the Thames, while simultaneously upgrading the Oval Office IQ by several points.
And I see we have fresh Russian nerve agent casualties, so this seems like a really ideal time to turn a tantruming toddler loose at the NATO summit, doesn’t it?
Lordy. I may need to employ a full time British correspondent soon. Some soccer hooligan in Union Jack body paint, and we’ll get into fistfights about the appropriate serving temperature for beer.
The Grand Wizard Grifter has a shiny new lawsuit to add to his collection, as he’s now being sued by his longtime personal driver for withholding overtime pay. I ask you, does this sound like the man who charged the Secret Service to pee even as they protected his very life, just to wring a few extra bucks out of the U.S. Treasury?
I guess the 200 grand Marm-a-Lago membership comes with an Air Force One tour now? I’d say that’s asking for trouble…if anybody shows up for the club looking suspiciously like a young Gary Oldman, and pays the fee in rubles…well, I’m sure it’s not my business.
The Turdworm Administration will miss a court-ordered deadline tomorrow to reunite more than one hundred migrant children under the age of 5 with their families. So anyway, these clods who can’t locate the people they took into custody mere weeks ago want to renegotiate NAFTA and restructure the entire American health care system and denuclearize North Korea and build a Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants and also maybe invade Venezuela. Remember when they got mad over the media failing to praise them for pulling off the Easter Egg Roll?
Scandal hit the GOP runoff in the Georgia governor’s race, with the release of a secret recording of one candidate lamenting the batshit craziness of the primary. While the lunatic Republican base demands ever loonier lunatics to represent them in government, for some reason they get pissy whenever their lunacy is labeled “lunacy,” kind of like how they love spewing racist shit but hate being called racist. Whatever. I’m not interested in understanding these folks anymore, just out-voting ‘em.
Oh, and Government Cheese Goebbels nominated a real asshole to the Supreme Court tonight. I don’t know which of the asshole finalists he ended up picking as I type this, but I’m confident it was a gigantic, festering, smelly, asshole.
Hey look, I was right.
Okay, that’s the update, Shower Captives. And yeah, I’m a little late getting that promised Goddamn Midterm Action Page up, but I wanna make sure it’s shiny and chrome, y’know? It’ll be worth the wait, I promise.
PS – SCOTUS pick notwithstanding, Sharty Jannetty got smacked down in court again today.