Rough week, Resisters. It’s no fun watching a 400-pound sack of monkey shit take a victory lap, is it? It makes a hyper-gross schlorping kind of sound, and the stench lingers for days. Well, this too shall pass, motherfuckers. Take my hand, and I’ll guide ya through the worst of it.

When last we met, we were on the very cusp of Hairplug Himmler’s final State of the Union address, which I confess I did not watch, because I had been blogging all day, and I didn’t want to ruin my evening’s drinking by pairing it with 90 minutes of the belchings and gurglings of a semi-sentient talking turd, forgive me. Anyway, you usually pick up the high points in the following day’s headlines, but Nancy Pelosi robbed President Crotchvoid of his precious publicity with a flick of her queenly wrist.

Yes, between the humiliatingly abysmal, you’re-no-Barack-Obama-and-it-shows ratings and the Paper Tear That Launched a Thousand Faux-Outraged Tweets, the contents of the Adderall-Addled Assclown’s speech (which I’m told was unusually hateful and unusually dishonest, even by his slug-that-lives-at-the-bottom-of-an-outhouse standards) faded away without notice. You know you suck when it only takes four short, sweet, simple, gestures to beat you at your own game.

Some members of the Republican Party, which, I’ll remind everyone, exists for no other purpose beyond helping the Trump family commit crimes, have latched onto the notion that Pelosi is guilty of illegally destroying government records, which seems laughably Orwell-for-dummies at this moment in time, but if we don’t eject these thugs from power, I doubt they’ll require stronger rationales once the show trials roll around. To be fair, as described above, Pelosi absolutely did destroy Fat Q*Bert’s speech in the public consciousness, but shredding photocopies is still legal, even if they’ve got shit all over them. Hope you washed your hands after, Madame Speaker.

Now, the one thing that did break through from the Shart of the Union was the bit where one racist scumfuck gave an award to another racist scumfuck, in celebration of their success in advancing the causes of racism and general scumfuckery. Of course, the Farthuffin’ Fascist corrupts everything he touches, but awarding odious hate-monger Rush Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom? Little on-the-nose, don’tcha think? Actually, it’s kinda perfect, now that I reflect on it. After all, what is Trumpism about except the “freedom” to be an absolute shitstain? The freedom to do nothing with your life except hurt people, and receive not comeuppance but fame and riches?

I guess he also delivered a second crazed, hate-filled, rant, this time at a prayer breakfast of all places, showing off the rot of his soul and the advancement of his metal deterioration, but y’know what? Fuck that speech, too. I don’t see any reason to continue allowing the rage-fueled mouth turds vomited up by a subpar golf cheat to pollute my precious brain space.

And though it was a touch anti-climactic, since everyone has known what the result would be for weeks, the official ending to the Senate’s sham impeachment trial came on Wednesday, and the verdict was…guilty on all counts! Oh, Sultan Spraytan got off, sure, but the Senate GOP caucus was found hellaciously guilty, of violating their oaths, of assisting the coverup of a criminal conspiracy against the United States and its citizens, of pretending the Constitution has a “just kidding about all this shit” clause tacked onto the end, of cowardice, of complicity, of corruption, of leaving the gate to American democracy unlocked overnight so that an authoritarian shitweasel could sneak in and raid the joint. The punishment is the disdain of all decent folk everywhere, and the inescapable, defeated, gaze of the shrunken nothing that looks back at them from every mirror. And hopefully the loss of the reins of power this November.

Among Republicans, only Mitt Romney managed to clear the atom’s-width-high hurdle of Acknowledging the Metric Fuckton of Evidence Sitting Right There in Front of Everyone’s Face, voting with unified Democrats to remove the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor from office. Of course now he’s facing the predictable calls for excommunication and public stoning. Look, I’m certainly no Willard stan, but hoo boy, give me ten thousands Romneys* before a party that gives mouth-breathing dolts like Matt Gaetz and Shartboy, Jr. veto power over the membership.

A new report shows hundreds of asylum seekers deported by the United States to El Salvador have been abused or murdered, and honestly, you have to wonder if everything that’s gone down these last few years isn’t just karma catching up to us.

And the Tiki Torch Parade Administration petulantly blocked residents of New York State from using Trusted Traveler Programs until the state government agrees to conform to Stephen Miller’s wettest dreams and implement his white nationalist deportation policies. Very cool to take these early steps down the path of separate privileges and punishments for red and blue states. Looking forward to having sewage from Alabama pumped directly into my living room** while the U.S. Postal Service intercepts mom’s care packages and diverts the precious chocolate crinkles to David Duke’s house.

The Treasury Department took a quick break from digging a shaft to the very center of the Earth, wherein they intend to construct a vault with twenty-foot thick vibranium walls, in which they will hide Shartolo Colon’s tax returns until the fucking sun burns out, to build scenery for a thrilling new theatrical endeavor from Grassley/RoJo productions: The Sham Investigation of Hunter Biden! I’m starting to understand why folks try so hard to get the fuck out of banana republics, aren’t you?

You’re never gonna believe this, but an internal report from Fux Nooz has discovered that the network has been platforming dishonest people who spread disinformation! AUDIBLE GASP!  It’s like finding a secret memo from your cat revealing that she shits in a box. Still, if even the propaganda-spewing sewage pipe that is Fux has begun to realize “whoops, we did a Frankenstein,” maybe there’s hope that we can get this country back to a shared reality at some point before we fall into a deranged, permanent, coma.

Nobody tests the theory that “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” more than deadbeat dirtbag Joe Walsh, god knows, but he’s dropped out of the rigged GOP presidential primary, calling his party a cult on the way out, and vowing to back any Democrat, even a socialist, come November. I guess we’ll call it the Coalition of the Decent Plus I Guess There’s Room for a Handful of Deeply Skeezy Creeps at the Back but Keep Your Mouth Shut and No You Don’t Get to Take a Turn Driving the Bus.

Checking in at the Things Susan Collins is Concerned About But Will Ultimately Enable Desk, Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman has been fired from his White House job, because once your pet Senate majority has made it clear you can run an international extortion ring with taxpayer money, well, retaliating against witnesses just ain’t no thang. The petty crimes will likely pile up quickly now; expect the shiniest exhibits in the Smithsonian to pop up in Bedminster and Marm-a-Lago by summertime.

Shit, the Bonespur Buttplug even fired Vindman’s twin brother, Yevgeny, just for spite. If anyone’s thinking that perhaps it isn’t in America’s national interest to allow a criminal and a traitor to purge the government of principled patriots in fits of vengeful spite, well, the likes of Senators Collins and Alexander have earnestly assured us that Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot had learned his lesson. They’re right, of course, only the lesson he learned is that he’s been elevated permanently above the law by his submissive swarm of sycophantic Senators, and Lamar? Susan? He couldn’t wait even a week before rubbing your noses in the unchecked power you so recklessly handed him. Who could have seen this coming except everybody?

And now I see Gordon Sondland has been purged, as well. For a doddering old man who can’t figure out how to close an umbrella, Government Cheese Goebbels is actually quite a swift learner, when he wants to be.

And Redactor General William Barr has proclaimed himself the sole arbiter of which presidential candidates and campaigns get investigated by the feds, and I’ll bet criminals all over the world are seething with envy at the bloated, subpar, crime lord who has his very own pet Attorney General to block for him. Hey, what good is power if you’re not willing to abuse it in order to ensure you never have to relinquish it, right?

Well, jeez, I feel kinda bad about this one, friends. Ugly-ass week. I’d be down in the proverbial dumps if I weren’t so thankful for all your kind support of the Kickstarter for my first comic book. Check it out, it’ll cheer you up. Well, it’ll cheer me up anyway…you’ll have to wait until it comes back from the printer, but it’ll cheer you up in a few weeks! Just five days remaining!

*Think of the stimulus to the car elevator construction industry!

**Is this code for “Jeff Sessions is crashing on my sofa?” I’ll never tell.