Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Well, the Week’s High Points Were Mitt Romney and Joe Walsh, So I’m Ready to Move On, Thanks.
Rough week, Resisters. It’s no fun watching a 400-pound sack of monkey shit take a victory lap, is it? It makes a hyper-gross schlorping kind of sound, and the stench lingers for days. Well, this too shall pass, motherfuckers. Take my hand, and I’ll guide ya through the worst of it.
When last we met, we were on the very cusp of Hairplug Himmler’s final State of the Union address, which I confess I did not watch, because I had been blogging all day, and I didn’t want to ruin my evening’s drinking by pairing it with 90 minutes of the belchings and gurglings of a semi-sentient talking turd, forgive me. Anyway, you usually pick up the high points in the following day’s headlines, but Nancy Pelosi robbed President Crotchvoid of his precious publicity with a flick of her queenly wrist.
Yes, between the humiliatingly abysmal, you’re-no-Barack-Obama-and-it-shows ratings and the Paper Tear That Launched a Thousand Faux-Outraged Tweets, the contents of the Adderall-Addled Assclown’s speech (which I’m told was unusually hateful and unusually dishonest, even by his slug-that-lives-at-the-bottom-of-an-outhouse standards) faded away without notice. You know you suck when it only takes four short, sweet, simple, gestures to beat you at your own game.
Some members of the Republican Party, which, I’ll remind everyone, exists for no other purpose beyond helping the Trump family commit crimes, have latched onto the notion that Pelosi is guilty of illegally destroying government records, which seems laughably Orwell-for-dummies at this moment in time, but if we don’t eject these thugs from power, I doubt they’ll require stronger rationales once the show trials roll around. To be fair, as described above, Pelosi absolutely did destroy Fat Q*Bert’s speech in the public consciousness, but shredding photocopies is still legal, even if they’ve got shit all over them. Hope you washed your hands after, Madame Speaker.
Now, the one thing that did break through from the Shart of the Union was the bit where one racist scumfuck gave an award to another racist scumfuck, in celebration of their success in advancing the causes of racism and general scumfuckery. Of course, the Farthuffin’ Fascist corrupts everything he touches, but awarding odious hate-monger Rush Limbaugh the Medal of Freedom? Little on-the-nose, don’tcha think? Actually, it’s kinda perfect, now that I reflect on it. After all, what is Trumpism about except the “freedom” to be an absolute shitstain? The freedom to do nothing with your life except hurt people, and receive not comeuppance but fame and riches?
I guess he also delivered a second crazed, hate-filled, rant, this time at a prayer breakfast of all places, showing off the rot of his soul and the advancement of his metal deterioration, but y’know what? Fuck that speech, too. I don’t see any reason to continue allowing the rage-fueled mouth turds vomited up by a subpar golf cheat to pollute my precious brain space.
And though it was a touch anti-climactic, since everyone has known what the result would be for weeks, the official ending to the Senate’s sham impeachment trial came on Wednesday, and the verdict was…guilty on all counts! Oh, Sultan Spraytan got off, sure, but the Senate GOP caucus was found hellaciously guilty, of violating their oaths, of assisting the coverup of a criminal conspiracy against the United States and its citizens, of pretending the Constitution has a “just kidding about all this shit” clause tacked onto the end, of cowardice, of complicity, of corruption, of leaving the gate to American democracy unlocked overnight so that an authoritarian shitweasel could sneak in and raid the joint. The punishment is the disdain of all decent folk everywhere, and the inescapable, defeated, gaze of the shrunken nothing that looks back at them from every mirror. And hopefully the loss of the reins of power this November.
Among Republicans, only Mitt Romney managed to clear the atom’s-width-high hurdle of Acknowledging the Metric Fuckton of Evidence Sitting Right There in Front of Everyone’s Face, voting with unified Democrats to remove the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor from office. Of course now he’s facing the predictable calls for excommunication and public stoning. Look, I’m certainly no Willard stan, but hoo boy, give me ten thousands Romneys* before a party that gives mouth-breathing dolts like Matt Gaetz and Shartboy, Jr. veto power over the membership.
A new report shows hundreds of asylum seekers deported by the United States to El Salvador have been abused or murdered, and honestly, you have to wonder if everything that’s gone down these last few years isn’t just karma catching up to us.
And the Tiki Torch Parade Administration petulantly blocked residents of New York State from using Trusted Traveler Programs until the state government agrees to conform to Stephen Miller’s wettest dreams and implement his white nationalist deportation policies. Very cool to take these early steps down the path of separate privileges and punishments for red and blue states. Looking forward to having sewage from Alabama pumped directly into my living room** while the U.S. Postal Service intercepts mom’s care packages and diverts the precious chocolate crinkles to David Duke’s house.
The Treasury Department took a quick break from digging a shaft to the very center of the Earth, wherein they intend to construct a vault with twenty-foot thick vibranium walls, in which they will hide Shartolo Colon’s tax returns until the fucking sun burns out, to build scenery for a thrilling new theatrical endeavor from Grassley/RoJo productions: The Sham Investigation of Hunter Biden! I’m starting to understand why folks try so hard to get the fuck out of banana republics, aren’t you?
You’re never gonna believe this, but an internal report from Fux Nooz has discovered that the network has been platforming dishonest people who spread disinformation! AUDIBLE GASP! It’s like finding a secret memo from your cat revealing that she shits in a box. Still, if even the propaganda-spewing sewage pipe that is Fux has begun to realize “whoops, we did a Frankenstein,” maybe there’s hope that we can get this country back to a shared reality at some point before we fall into a deranged, permanent, coma.
Nobody tests the theory that “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” more than deadbeat dirtbag Joe Walsh, god knows, but he’s dropped out of the rigged GOP presidential primary, calling his party a cult on the way out, and vowing to back any Democrat, even a socialist, come November. I guess we’ll call it the Coalition of the Decent Plus I Guess There’s Room for a Handful of Deeply Skeezy Creeps at the Back but Keep Your Mouth Shut and No You Don’t Get to Take a Turn Driving the Bus.
Checking in at the Things Susan Collins is Concerned About But Will Ultimately Enable Desk, Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman has been fired from his White House job, because once your pet Senate majority has made it clear you can run an international extortion ring with taxpayer money, well, retaliating against witnesses just ain’t no thang. The petty crimes will likely pile up quickly now; expect the shiniest exhibits in the Smithsonian to pop up in Bedminster and Marm-a-Lago by summertime.
Shit, the Bonespur Buttplug even fired Vindman’s twin brother, Yevgeny, just for spite. If anyone’s thinking that perhaps it isn’t in America’s national interest to allow a criminal and a traitor to purge the government of principled patriots in fits of vengeful spite, well, the likes of Senators Collins and Alexander have earnestly assured us that Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot had learned his lesson. They’re right, of course, only the lesson he learned is that he’s been elevated permanently above the law by his submissive swarm of sycophantic Senators, and Lamar? Susan? He couldn’t wait even a week before rubbing your noses in the unchecked power you so recklessly handed him. Who could have seen this coming except everybody?
And now I see Gordon Sondland has been purged, as well. For a doddering old man who can’t figure out how to close an umbrella, Government Cheese Goebbels is actually quite a swift learner, when he wants to be.
And Redactor General William Barr has proclaimed himself the sole arbiter of which presidential candidates and campaigns get investigated by the feds, and I’ll bet criminals all over the world are seething with envy at the bloated, subpar, crime lord who has his very own pet Attorney General to block for him. Hey, what good is power if you’re not willing to abuse it in order to ensure you never have to relinquish it, right?
Well, jeez, I feel kinda bad about this one, friends. Ugly-ass week. I’d be down in the proverbial dumps if I weren’t so thankful for all your kind support of the Kickstarter for my first comic book. Check it out, it’ll cheer you up. Well, it’ll cheer me up anyway…you’ll have to wait until it comes back from the printer, but it’ll cheer you up in a few weeks! Just five days remaining!
*Think of the stimulus to the car elevator construction industry!
**Is this code for “Jeff Sessions is crashing on my sofa?” I’ll never tell.