Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
“We’re All Mad Here,” the Georgia GOP’s New Motto
Ah, another wondrous, fun-filled week, trapped in America with an idiot death cult hellbent on playing chicken with objective reality. You can check out any time you like, but…well, you know.
I’m not gonna lie, the winning has been spectacular, but watching the vanquished Velveeta Vulgarian discover heretofore unimagined new ways to lose, all day, every day? It turns out that not only is the death of a would-be dictator’s dream a mighty goddamn satisfying thing to behold, but repetition doesn’t deaden the delight in the slightest. Keep on filin’ these lawsuits, Dotard, our appetite for your humiliation is insatiable.
Like, didja see where he threatened to veto the big defense spending bill, unless it includes his Revenge on Twitter For Being Mean to Me clause, and Congress just went, “Aw, look at the wee lame duck, he squawks so amusingly?” SO GOOD. I mean, I don’t want to get my hopes up, but a massive bipartisan veto override would make for an absolutely orgasmic capper to this glorious period of public degradation.
Also, President Shartcannon issued what he claimed was the “most important speech” of his reign, a meandering, lie-filled, 46-minute rant on why the final season of Game of Thrones was unsatisfactory or some shit; I dunno, I didn’t watch it, and neither did anybody else. Your once-mighty pulpit is turning to sand and running right through those tiny, inadequate fingers, isn’t it, little grifter?
Mike Flynn joined Roger Stone in calling for martial law, which strikes me as a smiiiiidge greedy for a couple of convicted felons who would be in prison right now were they not best buds (and co-conspirators) with the most corrupt President in American history. Quit while you’re ahead, boys.
Zounds, Republicans in Georgia sure are putting on a show; it’s like the Butter Battle Book, only nothing rhymes and everyone is a festering asshole. I wasted all my Frankenstein jokes last blog, and that was before Sidney Powell and Lin Wood proclaimed that deep state Democucks like Brian Kemp and Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue must be punished for their failure to deliver the Turd Emperor from democracy’s cruel jaws! Real Muricans must boycott the GOP in the coming runoff! There simply aren’t enough Frankenstein jokes to keep up with this crap!
Now Noot Gingrich is all, “Wait, we want you hateful and crazy but not THIS hateful and crazy!” as though there’s any corralling the rabid throng once you’ve spiked the punch bowl at the Klan rally with bath salts. So you see, electing Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff to the Senate not only pries power from Mitch McConnell’s tyrannical terrapin claw, it delivers sweetest pure cane justice to the very fucks who unleashed this plague of disinformation in the first place.
Like, this is what happens when you fail to condemn Rudy Giuliani as he farts his way through the national discourse, spreading dangerous, ridiculous lies that millions now believe. Yes, when the President of the United Frickin’ States’ lawyer platforms braindead maniacs, your army of credulous rubes will dutifully swallow whatever river of horseshit said maniacs belch forth; it’s what you’ve trained them to do. The cult giveth, and the cult taketh away.
More bad news, Republicans, not only has the mob grown too feral to tame, your own clumsy attempts at voter fraud have blown up in your faces, partially because voter fraud is extremely rare and easy to detect, partially because your man here is a massive dumbass with a stupid plan.
So yeah, here we are, on the brink of an election with control of the Senate at stake; Democrats more energized and organized than ever before, Republicans worried they’ve finally driven their base too insane to vote. It won’t be easy, but I like our chances; let’s win this shit.
I guess Crotchtumor, Jr. dreams of taking over the floundering, graft-wrecked National Rifle Association, like a needy child emulating Daddy’s work life with a plastic Playskool set: Baby’s First Death Cult. I like it, there’s an elegant loser symmetry in this pairing.
It’s kind of adorable, watching Senate Republicans’ flaccid attempts to resurrect their old Bad Faith Outrage Theatre shtick, like the last four years of oath-breaking, authoritarianism-enabling cowardice never happened. “Oh we couldn’t POSSIBLY confirm Neera Tanden, she sent mean tweets, P.S. everybody’s forgotten about that time the head of our party inspired a terrorist plot to storm the Michigan State Capitol in order to execute Governor Whitmer on live TV, right?”
Marsha Blackburn continues to behave like the most racist character in a Hollywood movie about racism, which I think is sort of a shame, on account of how she’s a U.S. Senator and all. Have I mentioned how cool it would be to seize the Senate from these shitty, shitty people? We should do that. In Georgia. In January.
Meanwhile, Operation: Rub My Ass All Over Everything Before Joe Gets Here continues, with a fresh round of purges at the Pentagon, and the last-minute installation of loyal bagmen like Corey Lewandowski and David Bossie. I bet Eric’s in charge of looting every supply cabinet in the executive branch, so that whatever grift they launch next year doesn’t have to buy paper clips or printer ink for a while.
Let’s see, what else’re these rat finks trying to fuck up on their way out the door? They’re rushing to auction off drilling rights in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, naturally, because Stephen Miller has encouraged everyone to pursue as much as evil as time will permit, I guess.
In another sign of the Turd Reich’s fading clout, Heidi Stirrup has been physically banned from the offices of the Justice Department. Who is Heidi Stirrup? Well, since we live in an extremely First World, not-at-all-a-shithole, healthy, functioning democracy, she is one of a series of spies appointed by the Shart House to keep tabs on the federal bureaucracy, and to make sure those uppity public servants aren’t letting the needs of the American people interfere with Hairplug Himmler’s political or financial interests. Heidi was digging for information to help her boss out with his attempted coup (remember that?), so we’re probably better off without her input.
Of course, one power remaining to Government Cheese Goebbels is the power of the pardon, and he’s clinging to it like a giant robot Rod Blagojevich made up of smaller robot Rod Blagojeviches. So if you’re wondering, “Why isn’t the president doing a single fucking thing about the pandemic that’s more out of control than ever, dear lord, it’s like 9/11 every day, why won’t he help us?” It’s because he’s trying to figure out exactly how much crime his parasitic family can get away with.
Now, I don’t know how he’s even managing it at this point, but I’ll be damned if Donnie Two-Scoops didn’t lose the election all over again, this time in Nevada, just while I was scribblin’ tonight. Oooooo, also Wisconsin! I never thought it was possible to lose so much in such a short time, he’s a miracle of fucking science.
Michigan now, too? Fuck, I have to stop now; I have a full evening of pointing and laughing ahead of me. I know y’all are (much) smarter than the average wingnut, but do stay extra-safe out there, friends; times are really quite intensely cray.