Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
We’ve Arrived at the Point in the Pandemic When Alex Jones Starts Eating Ass. Ahead of the Models, Too.
TGIF, right? Assuming it really is Friday, I certainly can’t tell anymore. TGI…Sometime, I suppose. I am reasonably certain time still exists, if only because I periodically see commercials for television shows that haven’t happened yet. Well, let’s round up (what I assume is) this week’s news, ‘kay?
Honestly, I’m surprised you’re even reading this; I assumed everybody was still at the Turdwaffle Administration’s Mission Accomplished COVID-19 is Our Bitch Now Please Pay No Attention to the Mounting Death Toll party. Yes, desperate for better headlines after the whole “What you should drink is BLEACH” thing, the Clowncar Full of Rectums currently squatting in our executive branch is trying a new communications strategy, based on demanding compliments for the successes that exist only within their own minds, led by the Velveeta Vulgarian himself, praising his own genius atop an ever-growing mound of corpses, chewing on an Adderall-crusted ribeye, overcooked to the point where its taste is indistinguishable from that of the tongue of a well-worn sneaker. I bet it totally works, kids.
Boy howdy, the Wisconsin GOP hates voters like Cap’n Crunch hates Soggies. It wasn’t enough to attempt to steal a state Supreme Court seat by forcing an election during a deadly pandemic, no, now that their murderous little scheme has backfired, the defeated Rethuglican Justice, Daniel Kelly, has decided to unrecuse himself from a shamelessly partisan voter purge case, so he can spend his lame duck days stealing voting rights from a couple hundred thousand of his fellow citizens. Hey, whoever set up this system where a turd like Kelly is allowed to literally take revenge on an electorate that rejected him, nice work!
Unable to to fathom how his polling numbers have plummeted amidst the mass graves and food lines, Shart Garfunkel threw a sad, sorry, tantrum at his weaselly shitbag campaign manager, Brad Parscale, proving once and for all that there is no loyalty among crotchfungi. Littlefinger even threatened to sue Parscale, for making him lie and golf his way through February while the coronavirus tap-danced from sea to shining sea, I guess.
“I’m not fucking losing to Joe Biden,” Donnie Dotard is said to have whined, adult diaper leaking down the legs of his ridiculous, ill-fitting, balloon pants. Shithead, you’re not only fucking losing to Joe Biden, you’re going to fucking die in prison, and Americans are going to fucking build a stadium-style piss trough on top of your fucking grave.
To Mitch McConnell, the entire Turd Reich has operated essentially like a wingnut Play-Doh machine; he feeds it atrocity and treason and failure, and it churns out lifetime appointments for scumbag right-wing judges. To that end, he’s calling the Senate back into session. Will the upper chamber be considering legislation to deliver us from the crisis that’s crippled the nation? Nope, this is all about gettin’ that judicial jagoff assembly line running again, ensuring Yertle’s regressive worldview will plague America for decades to come. Hey Founding Fathers, nice job on that whole “Senate” thing, I am totally loving the tyranny of the white nationalist minority!
A really fun thing that’s happening right now is that the Marmalade Shartcannon keeps trying to extort individual states (mostly the blue ones, isn’t that a zany coincidence?) if they want any federal help with this little ol’ coronavirus kerfuffle, which you may have heard about here and there. Yeah, it’s awesome that the President of the United States treats the Treasury like a wad of bills he gets to keep in his front pocket, to be doled out as he sees fit. Also awesome that, having received the Senate GOP’s stamp of approval for his Ukraine scheme, he feels totally comfortable pursuing similar tactics with his OWN FUCKING CONSTITUENTS.
Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s top domestic policy advisor, some skeevy-looking twit named Joe Grogan, has been forced out, apparently because somebody finally woke up and noticed, “say, we’re awful at pretty much everything, but holy fuck we are absolute shit at domestic policy! A despised tax cut benefiting the wealthy, repeated attempts to steal health care from millions, and now we blew up the entire fucking economy? Golly, maybe it’s time for a change.” Ya think?
Florida seems to have stumbled onto a game-changing trick in the battle against COVID-19; they’re keeping their death tally low by preventing the state’s medical examiners from releasing their data, how clever! Maybe they can sneak the extra bodies up to the border and dump ‘em in Georgia when nobody’s looking! Reached for comment, Governor Ron DeSantis would only say, “la la la la I can’t hear you,” with one index finger lodged snugly within each of his ears.
33 search warrants tied to Roger Stone’s arrest and eventual conviction were unsealed, and holy fuckballs, Rog, I don’t even own 33 shirts! How much crime does one creepy old dude have to commit to merit THIRTY-THREE separate warrants? Aside from all the treason n’ stuff, it seems Stone operated 200 fake Facebook accounts, which he used to talk about how awesome Roger Stone is, demonstrating the pitiful fragility so common in Fat Q*Bert’s closest associates. If feel like I wouldn’t be nearly as mad these days if the criminal cabal that’s hijacked my beloved country weren’t so cringingly pathetic.
Speaking of Strawberry Shartcake’s inner circle of bumbling crooks, newly-released documents which in no way exonerate Mike Flynn are being wildly spun as completely exonerating Mike Flynn. What, you didn’t expect these goons to suddenly turn honest this close to the finish line, didja?
Vice President Michael Pants now threatens retaliation against the reporter who blew the lid off NotWearingAMaskToTheMayoClinicGate, likely because he imagines a juvenile-yet-fascist assault on the free press will earn him a few stale french fries from his Turd Emperor’s dinner table. Maybe even a half-eaten Egg McMuffin, if he’s lucky. That Mike fancies himself a religious man remains baffling and hilarious; I wonder if, during his childhood, maybe somebody slipped the book jacket off a Bible and onto a copy of a Nathan Bedford Forrest biography, and gave it to him, and he just never figured out the difference.
Heavily-armed shitty white boy terrorists briefly occupied the Capitol in Michigan, demanding reparations for all the money they’d wasted over the years on so-called “miracle penis enlargement” cures. Naturally Hairplug Himmler sided with the terrorists (who are distinguishable from “protesters” by their tactical gear and FUCKING FIREARMS), even echoing the thug-praising language from his disastrous post-Charlottesville speech, because the self-awareness gene has skipped a few generation in the Trump family.
(Incidentally, mere hours after the protests, the Governor extended the state’s stay-at-home orders, because A) she actually cares about saving her constituents’ lives, and B) it’ll take more than a gaggle of spittle-drenched LARPers to intimidate Gretchen Fucking Whitmer.)
Individual states are still smuggling in medical equipment and hiding it from the feds so that Jared Kushner can’t confiscate their shit to then hand over to private companies to sell to the highest bidder, and I’m starting to think maybe we’re not operating at maximum efficiency here. We reached out to deceased railway baron Cornelius Vanderbilt to ask if this was any way to run a railroad; he said “Fuck, no.”
Like many of you, I’ve been suffering from decency envy these last three years, looking longingly at our neighbors to the north, but man, Canada’s really rubbing our noses in it now, announcing a ban on military-style assault weapons. Look, we get it! You’re a functioning democracy that hasn’t collapsed into a kakistocracy serving only a rage-filled dipshit white supremacist minority, LA-DEE-DA! (Y’all don’t happen to have a sofa a fake superhero could crash on for a few months, by the way?)
As though we don’t have enough to worry about already, now Alex Jones is stumbling around, threatening to eat strangers’ asses. PUBLIC SAFETY NOTICE: If you discover Alex Jones eating your ass, you should freeze immediately; Jones’ vision is based on motion. Wait for Jones to leave the room, then contact animal control. DO NOT ENGAGE ALEX JONES YOURSELF, HE’S IN AN ASS-EATIN’ MOOD!
Kayleigh McEnany made her debut as Shart House press secretary, promising the assembled reporters, “I will never lie to you,” before immediately lying to them about a whole bunch of shit. Structurally speaking, I should’ve put this paragraph above the last one. This is kind of a let down after the whole ass-eating thing, isn’t it? Whoops.
Ok, Resisters, enjoy your weekend, if indeed this be the weekend. Don’t forget, until Alex Jones is apprehended, wear both a mask and a buttguard while in public. Safety first.