Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
With Defense Attorneys Like Giuliani, Who Needs Prosecutors?
Just when you think shit can’t get any crazier, enter Rudy Giuliani. Like you’re making soup out of cat food, used toothbrushes, and broken glass, and you decide something’s missing so you add a whole bunch of meth.
Fuck it, let’s get through this before I pass out.
Former Drumpf Doctor/Howard Hesseman Character Harold Bornstein says Tangerine Idi Amin sent some goons to his office to steal the President’s medical records, especially the ones that revealed his blood type to be KFC gravy. Oh, and that note Dr. B allegedly wrote during the campaign? The one that said Donnie was the healthiest, sexxxiest, normal-handsiest fellow to ever seek the Presidency? Yeah, Shartboy dictated that himself, I know you’re stunned.
So yeah, fraudulent medical records, and a touch of breaking and entering…dunno if this cracks the Top 40 Drumpf scandals list, but Casey Kasem will have the weekly countdown Sunday morning!
Anyhow, Bornstein will be nominated to run the VA by next Wednesday.
A handful of the feral treasonweasels in the House Freedom Caucus are making noises (little squeaky weasel noises) about impeaching Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein for the high crime of Doing His Job. Rowdy Roddy snapped back that the Department of Justice “is not going to be extorted,” except for maybe the parts Jeff Sessions isn’t recused from, you could probably extort those because Ol’ Beauregard is a petty, dishonest, worm of a man, who always, ALWAYS looks like he just sat on a pie.
We all know President Gas Station Urinal Cake is driven primarily by an all-consuming envy of his predecessor, so it must give him great pleasure to finally find a metric where he’s outdoing Obama!
Yeah, Ol’ Barack saw the uninsured rate drop steadily during his tenure, but the Candycorn Skidmark has that number on the rise again! And congratulations to the 3.2 million Americans who once again find themselves one medical emergency away from financial ruin! MAGA!
Rolling Stone reports that Michael Cohen, that Fraudulent Fixer with Flair, used to make his money helping clients stage fake car accidents in order to sue insurance companies! Oddly, the experience has not helped him navigate the ten-car pileup his life has become.
Cohen looked like he was in REALLY deep shit earlier today, when NBC reported his phones had been tapped, and the feds had even intercepted a call with the White House. But then it turned out the investigation didn’t have a wiretap, but rather a “pen-register,” which is just one more legal term we didn’t have to know before the electoral college installed a mob boss in the Oval Office, kinda like “emoluments,” or the difference between being a “subject” of an investigation versus a “target.”
The Trump era may be a horrific, never-ending assault on the fundamental norms of American democracy, but hey, at least it’s educational.
Disgraced former HHS secretary Tom Price accidentally let it slip that the GOP’s repeal of Obamacare’s individual mandate will harm consumers by jacking up prices, which we already knew but honesty on this particularly topic is always shocking, coming from a Republican. Price quickly backtracked, insisting what he MEANT to say was, “If I’d known what Scott Fucking Pruitt would be able to get away with, I never woulda resigned in the first place, paying for your own flights sucks.”
Vice President Mike Pants praised Former American Concentration Camp Commandant Joe Arpaio as a “champion of…the rule of law,” apparently having forgotten that little thing where he’d be in jail right now if he hadn’t been given a Presidential pardon by a certain bloated orange oaf. Mikey Hairshirt went on to tout the Kool-Aid Man for his lifelong support of the fine art of masonry.
Earlier this week, smokey-eyed fibber Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement reading, “Iran has a robust, clandestine nuclear weapons program,” an accusation that not only contradicts all publicly available intelligence findings, but directly accuses Iran of violating the terms of the famous nuclear deal negotiated while Obama was President, BUT a couple hours later the Shart House was all, “Did we say HAS, cuz we meant HAD, sorry if we set off any international incidents with our laziness, but attention to detail is FOR CUCKS.
Seriously, these people are gonna accidentally start WWIII and try to tweet their way out of responsibility for it…”We meant LUNCH is at 11:30!”
In a massive victory for digital information security, Cambridge Analytica announced it will be shutting down, ridding the world of its scourge once and for – HAHAHAHAH don’t be silly, the Mercers and their merry band of democracy-wrecking fuckwads already founded a new company, called “Emerdata,” so as to shift their troll-feeding, fake-news-spreading operations to a squeaky-clean, non-toxic new brand, kind of like how Blackwater doesn’t exist anymore but it totally does.
Looks like the Shart House will be reversing an Obama-era order requiring annual reports on the civilian casualties of our overseas military operations. I can’t say I’m surprised. If they’re working so hard to hide Fat Q*Bert’s tax returns, and even his real weight from us, you really think they’re gonna share the murder list?
Former Shart Campaign advisor Michael Caputo is shaking his fist in impotent fury that his association with a criminal enterprise has cost him so much money! Poor lil’ fellah! Is there a way to set up a crowdfunding site, only instead of money everybody kicks in dog poop and derisive laughter?
Looks like Team Traitor is so convinced the Mueller probe is just a big ol’ witch hunt they’re bribing Ukraine with anti-tank missile sales to get ‘em to stop cooperating with the investigations into Paul Manafort’s various acts of international fuckery.
Kinda neat, isn’t it, having the nation’s foreign policy animated by the desperate ass-covering needs of a cheap crook? I look forward to the Strategic Petroleum Reserve being drained to cover Don the Con’s mounting legal bills.
Ty Cobb is taking his ridiculous facial hair and going home, or at least back on the Colonel Sanders commercial audition circuit. Considering the turn the President’s legal defense would take mere hours later, I imagine Cobb spent so much time high-fiving himself for his perfect timing that he broke several knuckles.
Rudy Giuliani said he could negotiate an end to the Mueller investigation in a few weeks, and we all laughed at him. But since he’s apparently chosen a strategy of “Go on television and confess to committing a whole bunch of crimes,” maybe Rudy’s crazy like a fox after all?
YES, Donald paid Cohen back the $130,000 in hush money, and YES he fired James Comey when Comey wouldn’t say he wasn’t a target of the investigation, and YES he killed Vince Foster, now who wants to come back to my place and watch the pee tape?
Yet somehow, Rudy feels justified in comparing FBI agents to “stormtroopers” for investigating this shit. Oh, and he wants Jeff Sessions to prosecute the investigators. Seems Mayor 9-11 has his own plans to destroy America. He’ll obliterate the very rule of law in this nation, and for what? A ten-cent crook who uses weekly golf vacations to skim a few million out of the U.S. Treasury? Jesus.
A judge ruled Shart Garfunkel’s shitty little name can come down off yet another building. The New York condo announced plans to rebrand as “Hillary Won the Popular Vote and Everyone Hates You” Place.
I’d LOVE to hear Eric Greitens describe the scenario where everything works out for him, and he goes on to a long and fruitful career in politics. Accused not only of an unusually reprehensible set of sex crimes, but of stealing a donor list from veterans’ charity, and now, we learn, setting a staffer up to take the fall, with bipartisan pressure to just go the fuck away, HOW DOES THIS WIND UP GOING YOUR WAY, BRO? Do you think you’re Michael Douglas in The Game? Because that is literally your last, best, hope at this point.
I’m pretty sure Scott Pruitt is actually a set of identical triplets. There’s no other explanation, no one man has enough TIME to fit this much corruption into his life. So like, Pruitt #1 went to Morocco on a lobbyist-arranged trip, while Pruitt #2 stayed home in Oklahoma to purchase a house with a different lobbyist, and Pruitt #3 just locked himself in the sound-proof booth, furiously masturbating to his ever-growing collection of first-class in-flight magazines.
To put a big fat maraschino cherry on the sundae of scandal, one of Scotty’s thuggish little aides is apparently pushing dirty stories about fellow grifter Ryan Zinke in the hopes that the press will maybe let a couple of Pruitt’s 649 known crimes slide to page twelve.
You really can’t make this shit up. I mean that. This is officially beyond any fiction writer’s imaginative capacity. By June, we’re gonna learn the EPA is running a clandestine organ-smuggling ring, and fucking Drumpf STILL won’t fire him. A couple of his henchmen resigned, though…I’m sure they’ll be on Julian Assange’s embassy couch soon enough.
That House chaplain that Paul Ryan forced out for suggesting the poor ought not be mulched has un-resigned, in a lengthy letter calling out the Speaker for sending a bigoted lackey to force him out in the first place. Ryan folded almost immediately, because, like all bullies, he’s a coward at heart.*
And Bashful Bob Mueller’s office filed a request for 70, yes SEVENTY blank subpoenas, which is good because he’s so hard to shop for and I don’t think I have his taste in neckties pegged correctly.
Mueller is also looking into interactions between Confessed Felon Rick Gates and Famed Windbag Roger Stone. Stone, who had the foresight to publicly brag about many of the crimes being investigated, seems to be relying heavily on the “I was just jokingly making stuff up what a funny coincidence all this is” defense, which is frankly hilarious at this point.
Murderous Coal Baron Don Blankenship really wants that Shitty Drumpf Base vote in the West Virginia GOP Senate primary, so he released an ad attacking Mitch McConnell for having a “China family,” and holy shit dude, in this age of Stephen Miller and Richard Spencer, it’s hard to actually be shockingly racist, but you pulled it off. Also, fuck you for making Yertle look like the good guy.
And now Roy Moore wants to run for Alabama Governor again? I guess there weren’t many spots available for “Celebrity Pedophile” on the reality teevee circuit. Well, you gotta keep busy, right? And when you’re already banned from the mall…
Well, that’s all I got for tonight, unless Rudy called in to Hannity to say Littlefinger uses the Lindbergh baby as a paperweight on his desk or something.
*Obviously, Speaker Ryan has no “heart,” per se, but “coward at the cavernous void located in his otherwise empty rib cage” just doesn’t flow.