Shower Cap

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1 day ago
Honestly, isn't following the news these days mostly a matter of getting updates about Assholes being Assholes?

Shower Cap is your hookup:

https://t.co/G0XqAsIp95
1 day ago
I just didn't see this coming. (Slow, deadpan turn towards the camera.) https://t.co/5dhcK8pTyY
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The Hill @thehill
Top GOP lawmaker calls for cutting Medicare and Social Security to reduce deficit after GOP tax cut https://t.co/oTgTsDDCd2 https://t.co/3SzHwijO0o
1 day ago
Casual reminder that the definition of “perjury trap” is “interview with law enforcement.”

He only considers it a “perjury trap” because he is a habitual liar, and lying under oath is a crime. He literally believes it is somehow unfair to ask him to answer questions honestly. https://t.co/71SOzblkyk
CapShower photo
Reuters Politics @ReutersPolitics
EXCLUSIVE: Trump says that speaking to Mueller's investigators in Russia probe could be a perjury trap; declines to say whether he will do an interview with Mueller's team https://t.co/ohTVDxQUfS
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

With Friends Like Rudy Giuliani, Who Needs Special Counsels?

Monday, July 30th, 2018

Fucking hell, what a weekend. You saw where John Lewis was suddenly hospitalized and you were all, “2018, you motherfucker! DON’T. YOU. DARE.” But then Lewis was discharged with a clean bill of health, and Ruth Bader Ginsberg said she was planning on serving for at least five more years, and then she bench-pressed a Cadillac. So you exhaled. And you smiled. Because even nowadays the news isn’t all bad. More good news! One of the frothier loons that snuck into the federal government on Baron Golfin von Fatfuk’s moth-eaten coattails, a Pizzagater and Seth Rich Truther named Ximena Barreto, has finally resigned. One less, Resisters…one less! The overarching theme of the last few days’ worth of news is how the Republican Party has thrown in towel on any semblance of decency or rationality. “Fuck it! We’re a hate cult for the shittiest losers on the planet now! We stuck a rotting human nervous system inside a giant pile of cow shit, painted it orange, slapped a corn husk on top, and we worship it as our God!” Like, you saw that statistic where 91% “strong supporters” of the Marmalade Shartcannon trust him to provide “accurate information,” vs 11% who say the same about the media? I’m just shaking my goddamn head at that, friends. Imagine being given the awesome gift of a human life, with free will, and the magnificent instrument that is a human brain, and just haphazardly turning it all over to the most blatant of con men. Is it really THAT much fun to get together every so often with your fellow enraged idiots to chant “lock her up?” It’s not even mere white supremacy anymore. It’s specifically Supremacy for Just the Shittiest White People, and We Demand it at ANY COST. …ANY COST, even shutting down the government, harming millions of Americans and needlessly draining billions of dollars from the economy if Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops doesn’t get his Big Stupid Wall! (Honestly though, when you hear Il Douche threatening a shutdown right before the midterms if he doesn’t get his ridiculously-unpopular way, the only question you can ask is, “What do you think Chuck Schumer will do with his other two wishes?”) …ANY COST, even if it means getting in bed with a maniac conspiracy theorist like Alex Jones, that frothy, sloppy, fucker who terrorizes Sandy Hook families and pretends to be a tough guy even though he got totally cucked by Yogurt. The likes of Lou Dobbs and Tucker Carlson are pretty sure the Constitution meant to include a bit about guaranteeing the largest possible platform for hate-mongers to baselessly accuse grieving parents of being crisis actors involved in false flag operations, but Madison had to make some cuts to pin down the TV rights. Yeah, Liar Tuck will jump all over never-Trumpers like Bill Kristol, but by Gawd, Alex Jones must be given a goddamn megaphone to vomit his fraudulent bile! Once again, it’s not really about “conservatism” anymore, it’s just a cult. Jones is a madman, but he’s a Trumpy madman! Kristol, Frum, Rubin…heretics in the only way that counts. …ANY COST to the American economy, of course! Fuckin’ RIGHT we want to pay more for Coca-Cola products due to needless aluminum tariffs, because having money is nice and all, but chest-puffing, empty, gestures of faux “strength” are so much better, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T PAY MY ELECTRIC BILL WITH BRAGGADOCIO? …ANY COST, including merrily passing all the fruits of economic growth on to an increasingly unaccountable plutocrat class! Oddly, corporations and the rich folks who own and operate them spent their GOP-gifted tax windfall on stock buybacks, rather than employee wages or benefits, who coulda seen THAT coming…except everyone? Meanwhile, real wages are down. WAY down. I guess the idea is we’re supposed to look lovingly at the rising numbers in the stock market or GDP growth and just beam with pride at how well our wealthy overlords are doing, cuz us poor peasant schlubs? We ain’t feelin’ these gains. …ANY COST, clearly including conspiring with a hostile foreign nation to seize political power! Yeah, ever since the Cohen bombshell last week (you remember the one, that alleges Boss Shart knew all about the famous Trump Tower meeting in advance, and thus is big ol’ colludin’ traitor who will be fucked seven ways from Sunday once the law finally catches up to him?) the new hot take on the right seems to be Oh What’s So Bad About a Little Collusion Anyway, Hush Up and Finish Your Peas. Retiring Congressjag/Act I Ebenezer Scrooge Understudy Darrell Issa says hey, “nobody’s going to be surprised” if the sitting American President turns out to have broken a fuckton of laws in colluding with the Russian military, because the bar has been lowered so far, even single-celled organisms can no longer limbo beneath it. Dana Rohrabacher popped out of Putin’s colon just long enough to offer his two rubles’ worth: “Surely anyone red-blooded American politician would collude with the Russian government! I know I would, and I am a typical All-American Boy! I love Bruce Springski, and also the Baseball Game! I am as American as apple pee! Fuck, I mean, pie!” Meanwhile, everybody in the right-wing Enabler-o-Sphere is caught up in the latest dance craze by a hot new act called Rudy Giuliani and the Goalposts, and let me tell you, those zany cousin-fuckers can really MOVE! Yep, Rudy’s transitioned seamlessly from “he didn’t do it,” to “he did it, but it’s not a crime,” and in a couple of months he’ll insist “trading Alaska to Putin in exchange for Trump Organization debt relief is not only constitutional, but patriotic!” I don’t want to seem like I’m criticizing the “legal strategy” of sending a deranged old fool out on television to scream gibberish, but Rudy seems to have a bad habit of inconveniently undermining his client, like today when he seemed to confess that his client not only knew about the I Would Collude 4 U meeting in advance, but that he held a meeting to strategize about it, and that future cooperating witness Rick Gates was there. WHOOPSIE. All I’m sayin’ is…if Rudy Giuliani ever pops up in your life, offering to help you, even if you’re trapped in a blizzard with a flat tire and you’re 300 miles from civilization…just tell him to move along. …ANY COST, up to and including…death? I guess? That’s what this group of soybean farmers says, anyway. Folks, I can understand the psychology of folks who bury their heads in the sand and pretend Sharty McFly isn’t actually doing the things he’s doing. But when you clearly understand the dipshit is taking a jackhammer directly to your balls, and you salute and say “T-t-t-hank you s-s-sir m-m-may I have another?” What the FUCK? Like, literacy tests for voting are clearly wrong, but maybe we should take a long, hard, look at sanity tests… And somehow, somebody thought it was a good idea to let these demented cud-brained dipshits download MOTHERFUCKING 3-D PRINTABLE FIREARMS right in the comfort of their own homes. Well, shit, that should fill the void left by the Roseanne cancellation. Treasury Secretary Mnuchin says he might just lift sanctions on a Russian aluminum company founded by Putin Pal/Manafort Associate/All-Around Thug Oleg Deripaska, but all the Big Dumb Trade War tariffs on our oldest, most loyal, allies remain in place, because those are the priorities of your “America First” regime. Oh, and it looks like Ol’ Mnuchbag is toying with the idea of just inventing a new bit of executive authority in order to give the Trumps and Wilbur Rosses and, now that you mention it, the Steve Mnuchins of the country…wait for it…YET ANOTHER $100 billion tax cut. The populism is so thick you could cut it with a knife, though I doubt they’ll let us serfs own knives for very much longer… Sigh…I suppose you’re expecting me to cover the “Bigfoot Erotica” kerfuffle in the Virginia 5th. I assure you, such things are well beneath my dignity, now if you’ll excuse me, I have some poop jokes to compose! Sean Spicer is threatening to sue the Associated Press for…reporting on something that happened. It happened so hard it was even recorded. Somebody oughta tell Spicey about the Streisand effect. Oh, and also the first amendment.  If you’ve got the time to cover “right and wrong,” that’d probably be helpful. Let’s see, what else, whaaaaaat ellllllllse? Oh, I see Chuck Grassley’s response to Shartboy, Jr. apparently lying to Congress (that’s a crime, by the way) was a rousing, “MEH.” Maybe we can get Chuckie to clarify the exact amount of wealth and/or power one has to accumulate before one is officially above the law. At a mini-press conference today, Government Cheese Goebbels, who never bothers to think before speaking, offhandedly proclaimed he’d meet with Iranian President Rouhani without preconditions. Rouhani’s probably looking at the thorough fleecing administered to the Shart of the Deal by Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin, and licking his lips like a cartoon wolf. Coming this fall to a Fox affiliate near you: Jeff Sessions’ Religious Liberty Task Force! Have you seen the trailer? It’s just three minutes of cops crashing through bakery windows where gay people are browsing, and dudes in SWAT gear clipping Kim Davis’ toenails. What’s this, now? Somebody hacked Wikileaks and published thousands of their DMs for all the world to see? GodDAMN that’s hilarious. If you listen closely, you can hear Justice having multiple orgasms at this news. And now I see North Korea is actively developing new missiles, in spite of the comprehensive peace agreement they signed in the President’s mind. Satellite images are blurry, but sources say the North Koreans appear to be writing “Little Donnie is a Cuck” on every warhead. Anyway, it’s Medicaid’s birthday, and Medicare’s too! Two birthdays means double the celebration…can somebody check in to make sure I get home alright?  I don’t wanna miss the Manafort trial…

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!

1 day ago
Honestly, isn't following the news these days mostly a matter of getting updates about Assholes being Assholes?

Shower Cap is your hookup:

https://t.co/G0XqAsIp95
1 day ago
I just didn't see this coming. (Slow, deadpan turn towards the camera.) https://t.co/5dhcK8pTyY
CapShower photo
The Hill @thehill
Top GOP lawmaker calls for cutting Medicare and Social Security to reduce deficit after GOP tax cut https://t.co/oTgTsDDCd2 https://t.co/3SzHwijO0o
1 day ago
Casual reminder that the definition of “perjury trap” is “interview with law enforcement.”

He only considers it a “perjury trap” because he is a habitual liar, and lying under oath is a crime. He literally believes it is somehow unfair to ask him to answer questions honestly. https://t.co/71SOzblkyk
CapShower photo
Reuters Politics @ReutersPolitics
EXCLUSIVE: Trump says that speaking to Mueller's investigators in Russia probe could be a perjury trap; declines to say whether he will do an interview with Mueller's team https://t.co/ohTVDxQUfS
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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