Sigh. Just another Manic Monday, amiright? I wish it was Sunday. A random Sunday in like, 2009. Long as I’m wishing, I’m at a Tom Petty concert. With Gloria Grahame.

Lindsey Graham seems to enjoy being the Velveeta Urinal Cake’s golfing buddy. Shit, Lindsey’s in paradise right now. In the old days, he had to convince a resistant public and a skeptical administration whenever he wanted to start a war, now all he has to do is kiss one vain jaghole’s ass, pimp his golf club a bit on Twitter, and BAM – another generation of working class kids gets shipped to some godforsaken corner of the planet to die.

Don’t worry, though! By the time you come back from North Korea with brain trauma or PTSD, Senator Graham will have redistributed 40% of the VA’s budget to his donors! But it’s sure to trickle down!

Word on the street is Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn may have been ordered, by President Shartcannon himself, to dress up like Prince and karaoke “I Would Lie 4 U” when the FBI came a-knockin’ at his door, and that if so, Rugged Robert Mueller might just leave an obstruction of justice charge in a certain Melting Creamsicle’s Xmas stocking.

Some dumb shit blew a hole in his own torso in a New York subway this morning, because terrorists don’t recruit successful, intelligent men.. Anyway, Smallhands Magoo demonstrated his let’s-unify-this-country-when-it’s-attacked instincts by using his 2nd grade vocabulary to insult Don Lemon’s intelligence.

Praise all the gods in all the heavens, the fucking Alabama Senate special election is almost over!

Roy Moore’s last-minute push seems to hang largely on a Super PAC releasing a “Watch This 12-Year Old Girl Interview Roy While He Doesn’t Molest Her Even Once!” video. Since the “Judge” is credibly accused of sexually assaulting a girl only two years older, let’s go ahead and label this a somewhat less than deft political maneuver.

Oh, and a record surfaced of the Twice-Defenestrated-From-the-Bench Pervert, appearing on a 9/11 truther’s radio show, talking about how much better the Constitution was before they starting tacking on all those silly extra amendments, the crap like “You’re not allowed to own other human beings,” or “You get rights even if you’re not a white dude.”

That’s the thing about Moore. He’s a child molester, but he’s evil FOR A CHILD MOLESTER. In a room full of child molesters, he’d be the worst person there.

Anyway, the election is tomorrow. A Fox poll shows Jones up 10. But Emerson College has the Pedophile by 9. An NBC/Marist survey insists the seat will be won by a surprise write-in campaign for an ancient Mayan deity that will rise from the ocean ten minutes before polls open, gathering mesmerized acolytes as it marches on Mobile.

Point is, nobody seems to know what the fuck is gonna happen. Maybe it’ll all come down to whether or not there are any actual Christians in the Alabama Evangelical voting bloc.

Nebraska RNC committeewoman Joyce Simmons resigned because of FundingAGoddamnChildMolesterGate. And for a moment, you think, “Damn, how heroic,” and it is. But then you think, “How come out of the whole dang Republican Party, I’m only hearing about ONE member quitting over Judge Banned-from-the-mall?

So, three prime specimens of white supremacist manhood allegedly planned to bomb a mosque in western Kansas, and now they’re bitching that their rights are being violated cuz they can’t pack the jury with Trump voters.

Yeah, that’s a real thing that’s happening in America. Shitty White Terrorists looking to handpick supporters of our President to sit in judgment, in the belief that they’ll go, “Blowing up a Mosque? Call me when somebody does something WRONG!”

Sleep tight!

Asked to defend his party’s horsehit tax reform bill, Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag released a one-page “analysis” claiming fantastical levels of growth achieved primarily by elves making shoes while we are asleep.

Sources say the reverse side of the single sheet of paper contained Louise Linton’s shopping list, including disturbingly large quantities of mushroom soup, adult diapers, and turkey necks, raising questions about America’s Crappiest Aristocratic Couple’s sex life.

Didja see where Emmanuel Macron passed out massive grants to top climate scientists, many of them American, to relocate to France? Truly, now that our leading minds are being poached by foreign nations, we can at last say we are Great Again.

Hey, Emmanuel, if you felt like opening a similar competition for shrieking, blockheaded, conspiracy theorists…we’ve got a few we can spare.

The military announced it would obey a court order to admit transgender troops starting January 1st, yet another reminder that Il Douche is an ineffective clod who loses all the time, because he’s like the Washington Generals of Presidents.

Four of the women who have accused Confessed Serial Sexual Assaulter Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Billy Bush Stooged Me Out, the Fink”) re-stated their cases in the media today, thus reminding us that our President, in addition to being an unhinged, narcissistic, buffoon, is also a disgusting gropey perv who bragged about how owning a beauty pageant allowed him to ogle naked teenagers.

Nikki Haley went so far as to say the women accusing her What-if-Jabba-the-Hutt-were-made-of-Circus-Peanuts Boss “should be heard,” which allegedly sent said W-i-J-t-H-w-m-o-C-P Boss into the sort of rage usually reserved for journalists who remind him Barack Obama drew larger crowds.

Oh Nikki, don’t you know that helping the President avoid accountability is the sole function of the executive branch of the United States government these days?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted any pussies grabbed before November 8, 2016 don’t count, because the Republican electorate’s lack of morality somehow exonerates Drumpf, which is certainly a novel bit of ethical and legal theorizing.

Surly Spice then sneered at the assembled press for a while over their uppity question-asking and occasional-mistake-making, before retreating to her office to play with her desktop ant farm, roasting with a magnifying glass several ants she’s named after White House correspondents.

Tangerine Idi Amin, who did not understand he had to hire his own White House staff, who couldn’t find the fucking LIGHT SWITCHES for several days, decided he’s gonna put a man on the moon, maybe ever Mars. Baby steps, Old Man. Maybe learn how to tie a tie at an appropriate length before tackling space travel.

A judge ordered Indicted Turdweasel Paul Manafort to obey his gag order, and stop sneaking around, writing op-eds about how innocent and handsome Paul Manafort is. He was further ordered to eat his peas and clean his room.

Pity the poor journalists at the Failing New York Times who had to spend so much time documenting the various revolting escapades of grotesque CongressDegenerate Blake Farenthold. Jesus, I can’t even picture that dude without retching.

Anyway, if you need a little pick-me-up to get through the long, lonely hours before the polls close in Alabama, how ’bout rolling around in this data about Americans running away from the Republican Party like a dookie in a public pool?

Ok, Resisters, that’s enough for tonight. Nothing left to do but wait and see if voters will send a pedophile to Washington to make laws for the rest of us.

…2017, you’re exhausting.