Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Wow, a Week When Marjorie Taylor Greene Wasn’t the Absolute Worst, How Novel
You’d think folks would be delighted at all the recent normalcy n’ prosperity n’ what have you, and yet millions (MILLIONS!) continue to screech NO! I WANT THE FUCKUPS WHO RUINED THE WHOLE WORLD BACK! Because they hate the same people, you see. With a decision-making process like that, what could go wrong? Let’s find out…
I’m pleased to announce we have a brand new correspondent here at Shower Cap’s Blog, on the Is the MyPillow Guy Still Driving a Steamroller Back and Forth Over His Own Scrotum beat! We’ll call him “Doug.” Let’s check in with Doug now:
Doug on the Is the MyPillow Guy Still Driving a Steamroller Back and Forth Over His Own Scrotum beat: Well, Cap, as you can see, the MyPillow Guy is indeed still driving a steamroller back and forth over his own scrotum.
Thanks, Doug! Looking forward to hearing more from you soon! Moving on…
Yet another newly-released batch of emails reveals that, during the Fall of the Turd Reich, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot and his degenerate lackeys pressured the Justice Department to investigate every single psychotic conspiracy theory posted in the comments section on Breitbart by random nutjobs who claimed the ghost of Ronald Reagan appeared to them in a dream after they poured a 2 liter of Mountain Dew Code Red on a bowl of bath salts and ate it like cereal.
…at least now we know why our executive branch was too busy to focus on petty, unimportant shit, like the coronavirus pandemic.
New polling shows the Children of the Candy Corn prefer Vlad “Not Exactly Shy About Despising the United States” Putin over Joe “Vaccines n’ Stimulus Checks” Biden. Turns out treason trickles down. Unlike wealth.
Seems former Shart House Counsel Don McGahn joined several elected Democrats and probably every American journalist in the distressingly-non-exclusive-but-so-secret-you-don’t-even-know-you’re-a-member society of Folks Who Had Their Phone Records Subpoenaed by the Trump DoJ For Reasons Which Were Totally Not Tyrannical, Promise. Wow, who could’ve predicted that a dime store Stalin would spy on his own people like that, except anyone with a brain larger than a cashew?
Rand Paul says democracy “goes against our history and what the country stands for,” because Jim Crow laws came from majority rule, y’see, when everyone knows what America REALLY stands for is Jim Crow laws implemented by a bitter, shrinking, white supremacist minority. Maybe if we dispatch a battalion of NYT reporters to the diners of Appalachia, we can find somebody who’s actually fooled by this shit.
I see Benjamin Netanyahu is still petulantly squatting in the Israeli prime minister’s official residence, shredding docs and rubbing his withered old autocrat ass on the furniture to mark his territory. I bet there’s a couch somewhere in Marm-a-Lago you can crash on, Bibi. Might have to kick Lindsey Graham to the floor first, but he’s used to that by now.
Mitch McConnell announced that, should the nation be so unfortunate as to see the Senate fall once more into his terrible terrapin claws, he would surely grab any opening on the Supreme Court in his brittle beak and drag it into his ossified shell for safekeeping until the next white nationalist fuckstick seizes power. WE KNOW, Yertle. Thanks for the reminder though; that’ll be a real nice, motivating clip for our GOTV efforts next year.
Headline news from our extremely healthy, first world democracy this week announced that perhaps the most prominent member of the House Republican Caucus finally acknowledged that the Holocaust really happened. The genuinely shocking revelation that the Vainglorious MTG is in fact, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, capable of learning, only makes the rest of her behavior more reprehensible, if you ask me.
Still, when Cerebral Discharge Marj asks the mirror in her office (the antique dealer told her it once belonged to Eva Braun herself) “Who’s the craziest congressional Nazi of them all?” she’s surely growing concerned by the intensifying challenge to her throne from Arizona’s least loyal dentist: Paul Gosar.
At press time, cleaning crews had not yet completed the herculean task of decontaminating New York Harbor following the Statue of Liberty’s vomiting fit, induced by Gosar’s obscene lies in defense of the treasonous insurrectionists who attempted to murder Congress and overthrow the government.
Now, I understand terrorist movements require martyrs, but maybe sitting U.S. Congressmen shouldn’t canonize violent criminals during hearings on domestic terror attacks, and maybe if he can’t secure the Speaker’s gavel without the support of a white supremacist scumbag who seeks to betray the anonymity of a brave law enforcement officer to a bloodthirsty mob, then Kevin McCarthy isn’t fit for leadership.
Sometimes this blog feels like a record skipping during a song about how the Republican Party despises America and keeps trying to destroy it, but look, I don’t make these repugnant fucks act the way they do, I just chronicle their treachery.
Which brings us to Representative Andrew Clyde. Like, I know we’re all the heroes of our own stories, but I really wonder how you craft a narrative in your head where refusing to shake the hand of a man who sustained severe injuries saving your life from a fascist lynch mob makes you anything other than a burst cyst on a warthog’s colon.
Meanwhile, Madison Cawthorn, likely worried he was losing traitor cred with MAGA Nation, tried to gin up a little attention by advocating the violent overthrow of the government, calling the U.S. Military a buncha sissies for good measure. Sorry kid, takes more than that to break through in this batshit day and age. Maybe try another Hitler-themed weekend getaway?
Celebrity drug dealer Ronny Jackson, whose assessment of the Velveeta Vulgarian’s weight strongly suggests cognitive impairment, dashed off a sad little letter, which my third grade teacher wouldn’t have accepted, demanding President Biden take the feared Person Woman Man Camera TV test, in his own sad attempt to troll his way onto prime time Newsmax. Well, Ronny, demand in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up faster.
Turns out Dana Rohrabacher was at the Capitol Riot, cuz you don’t earn a moniker like “Putin’s favorite Congressman” by demonstrating loyalty to the United States. Reading up on this story, I learned that Dana currently resides in Maine, where he works in the cannabis industry when he’s not engaged in recreational insurrection. This has been another thrilling entry in our Traitor Trivia™️ series.
There’s more? Oh god, they’re wearin’ me out tonight, folks…and now I see Tom Cotton believes the Chinese government is going to…lordy, this hurts my brain to even type…is going to harvest DNA from American athletes at the 2022 Winter Olympics to make…fuck me, this is so fucking dumb…TO MAKE SUPERSOLDIERS. Just like in comic books. Cool that a dude with a skull so full of bees that he signs his name to takes like that feels comfortable justifying the use of military force against peaceful protesters, ain’t it?
You’ll recall the Texas GOP just completed a whirlwind legislative session wherein they enacted a slate of laws drafted by cutting-and-pasting the Heritage Foundation’s Pornhub search history. One issue that wasn’t addressed was the glaring inadequacy of the state’s power grid; you know, the one that caused hundreds of deaths last winter because these maniacs value plutocrat profits over human lives.
See, to Lone Star Republicans, this mass casualty event, of their own deliberate creation, wasn’t really a problem, and therefore didn’t require a solution. The purpose of this grid isn’t to provide affordable power to their constituents’ homes, and certainly not to keep the filthy takers alive during extreme weather conditions, but rather, to squeeze every possible penny out of the serfs in order to further enrich their donor class.
And so, facing historic temperatures, the unfathomable bastards are demanding their constituents simply accept that their leaders have, through greed and bungling, shaved a century or so off everyone’s standard of living. Ration that energy, campers, and those of you who are about to die, (and there’s gonna be a bunch of ya) kindly do us the courtesy of dying quietly.
This is what you get when you elect the charlatans who screech “antifa” and “critical race theory” all day long, hoping you don’t notice their policy platform amounts to “rob the marks blind.” Well shit, with the newfound freedumb of their latest round of insane gun laws, y’all can just shoot the heat wave, right?
And I know I brought it up, but I just don’t have the strength to go through every individual wingnut shitfit over critical race theory; I think we have to accept that this is just another one of those never-ending circle jerks of rage the right engages in during the hours normal folks devote to stuff like baking and reading and sleeping.
Now, Tucker Carlson’s shtick is basically disinformation-via-Mad-Libs, and a regular favorite of late has been “The Capitol Riot was actually perpetrated not, as mile-high mounds of evidence prove, by a rabid mob of Trumpist losers*, but by (FILL IN THE BLANK), and while he was no doubt tempted by options like “The Starting Lineup of the ‘86 Mets” and “The Lovin’ Spoonful,” he ultimately went with “The FBI,” cuz you can never go wrong rilin’ the rubes up over the deep state, right?
These poisonous lies dribble down Fish Stix Hitler’s weak chin directly into the ravenous mouths of bird-brained dolts like Louie Gohmert, who turn around and regurgitate them dutifully on the floor of the U.S. House. Millions believe ‘em, and the country goes a little madder. Wheeeeeeee.
Bless former Vice Führer Mike Pants’ collaborating little heart, he still believes he has a future in Republican politics. Maybe if he gets heckled as a “traitor” by a few more conservative “Christian” crowds, he’ll figure it out. Poor Mikey Hairshirt, he was just caught with the bag when the music stopped. It really wasn’t fair.
Y’know what else wasn’t fair? Tearing families apart and imprisoning children in concentration camps. Or getting hundreds of thousands of people senselessly killed during a pandemic. I could go on (and on and on and on and on and on) but my point is, you wouldn’t have time to run for higher officer anyway, because you’re no longer a young man, and you’ll need to spend every moment remaining to you on your knees, begging your ghoulish, racist god for forgiveness for your many, many sins if you’re to have any chance of staving off eternal damnation. Frankly, Mike, it’s probably already too late.
I was gonna write a big long section on the Obamacare ruling here, because, as you know, I like to end the blog with good news, but I RAN OUT OF TIME DOCUMENTING THE WEEK’S PARADE OF BUTTHOLES. The news is still welcome, of course, you’ll just have to read about it somewhere else. Somewhere that isn’t drowning in buttholes.
YIKES. I’m gonna go take a nice, long shower now, wash off the tears and puke. You best believe I’m treating myself to a shower beer, too. Stay safe out there, friends, and be on the lookout for MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION, coming soon from Resistance Comics, ONLY on Kickstarter!
*But I repeat myself.