Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Yes, Everything is Awful, But at Least We Can All Enjoy Watching Ted Cruz Dissolve Into Nothingness
Let me just say that in this age of disinformation, I think it’s troubling that you can trust a drunken maniac in a bathrobe and a luchador mask more than an entire political party with millions of members. But, sadly, unlike the institutional GOP, I’m not making any of this shit up.
Before we get started tonight, we should pause to note that the cheap crook the entire Republican Party is immolating their reputations for is a drooling idiot, ranting about the immorality of babies being born “in the ninth month.” I guess gestation is partisan now. Anyway, we all know these clowns can never, ever admit Boss Turdworm was wrong about anything, so expect a mass MAGA movement for forced premature births any day now.
Ben Carson’s HUD has been illegally withholding billions in hurricane aid from Puerto Rico, the latest reminder that our current government despises its citizens and wants them to suffer. One of these days, Dr. Ben is gonna come home and find Jesus has vacated that one creepy little portrait, leaving behind only a Post-it telling him he’s a douchebag, and a book about the pyramids.
An increasing number of newspaper editorial boards, including the Los Angeles Times and the Boston Globe, 9 out of 10 doctors, and 30 Helens agree: we need to impeach this motherfucker before he signs the Sixth Fleet over to Putin as a birthday present. Anyway if we haven’t been perfectly clear already, the editorial board here at Shower Cap’s Blog* absolutely believes Weehands McNodick should be impeached, prosecuted, and imprisoned at the bottom of a Lollapalooza outhouse for the remainder of his natural life. And beyond, come to think of it.
Hairplug Himmler apparently now feels comfortable ranting like a Nazi in front of a roomful of Jewish Americans, cramming a mind-boggling number of anti-Semitic tropes into a single speech before the Israeli American Council, insisting, for example, that they’d have no choice but to vote for him because Elizabeth Warren wants a wealth tax and everyone knows how much Jews love money HAW HAW HAW anyway pay no attention to the concentration camps I’ve already opened on American soil.
Sharty McFly’s Ambassador to Denmark demanded that the Danish Atlantic Council disinvite an expert speaker who was deemed insufficiently loyal to Emperor Cowpie, which barely even made the news this week, because nowadays we fully expect our cowardly, fascist, government to pull cowardly, fascist, shit like this. Anyway, the whole damn conference is cancelled now, and the dessert buffet was gonna be absolutely fucking spectacular, but now you don’t get any delicious pastries at all, you sniveling authoritarian shitweasel.
Big shout-out to Linda Ronstadt for calling Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo out right to his shitty, craven, enabling, face. I don’t know much, Mike, but I know you’re a traitor to everything America stands for. And y’know what? That may be all I need to know.
Well, fuck me sideways with a tuba, the Marmalade Shartcannon is already campaigning with the motherfucking war criminals he pardoned. In his defense, it’s gotta be pretty tough to dig up Americans whose lives he’s actually improved; the options are basically billionaires, psychopathic murderers, and Sean Hannity’s agent. Maybe Vlad’ll be down to take a little vacation next year, give the keynote at the RNC.
President Crotchvoid blocked a proposed United Nations meeting on North Korea’s human rights violations, and was promptly repaid with a barrage of childish insults and threats. The next challenge coin should depict Kim Jong-un riding Littlefinger like a pony.
Since the truth is so inescapably damning for their Turd Emperor, Republicans have gone all-in on disinformation, and if the republic burns as a result, well, somebody tell Charlie Koch to buy up all the marshmallow companies. Anyway, Mark Meadows got all hot n’ bothered when an interviewer suggested Kid Kompromat asked Ukraine to investigate the Bidens, insisting such a thing never happened. Now, the bloated old fuck stood right on the White House lawn and asked Ukraine AND China to investigate the Bidens, live on television, but Meadows, like a community theatre actor in the Charles Boyer role in Gaslight**, thinks he can just razzle-dazzle us into forgetting all that. As is the case in so many things, Mark Meadows is super fuckin’ wrong.
The GOP is about a week away from sending Gym Jordon out on the Sunday Shoz to breathlessly (and jacketlessly) rave, “You’re suggesting there’s some sort of magical device that lets people have conversations with other people halfway around world? How could Trump have done anything wrong on the Zelensky phone call if there’s NO SUCH THING AS A PHONE, Chuck?”
Chickenshit Beard-Ruiner Ted Cruz became the latest Republican official to trade in his American flag lapel pin for a set of Kremlin talking points, parroting Putin propaganda on behalf of the petty crook who insulted his wife and his father, and who would merrily shit right down his throat for a nickel. I’m gonna call up Ricky Gervais to pitch a cringe comedy mockumentary that follows Calgary Cruz around, watching as he sells the last decaying remnants of his soul for hard candy and fistful of shiny beads.
So, apparently Shart Administration Medicare chief Seema Verma enjoys traveling with a fat pile of expensive jewelry. Verma doesn’t seem to enjoy insuring that jewelry, or storing it in a secure location, nearly as much though, and when she got robbed on a recent trip, she thought “A-HA! This looks like a job for…the AMERICAN TAXPAYER!” and she tried to stick us chumps with the fucking bill. I’d like to see a report on just how much of the rapidly-expanding deficit is driven by Trump appointee grifting, wouldn’t you?
As expected, the Justice Department inspector general’s report found the FBI committed no wrongdoing in opening their investigation into the Treasonweasel campaign, which was, again, stuffed with felons and operating with the aid and approval of Vladimir Putin, who correctly viewed the Manchurian Manchild as the perfect vehicle to divide and weaken the United States. I confess I think it’s kinda weird, that it’s headline news when there turns out to be zero evidence for an obviously-fabricated conspiracy theory, but then, there are quite a few aspects of life in 2019 that are sub-optimal, aren’t there?
Redactor General Billy Barr dashed off a cynical little note proclaiming the report found more or less the precise opposite of its actual findings, confident that’d be good enough to tide the rubes over, until they settle on the next date for the mass QAnon arrests, or the rapture, or whatever horseshit they ultimately decide to stake their frail sense of identity to. Luckily, Billy B has long since blown his credibility with his mendacious Mueller memo and other acts of hyper-partisan sycophancy, so he’s lost most of his ability to set the narrative.
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor himself lamented the findings of an imaginary report that exists only in his mind, next to the damaged brain cells that tell him he’s respected by world leaders and attractive to women, expressing whinging outrage at the deep state conspiracy against him, ensuring Cult45 can go on ignoring all those pesky, inconvenient facts, and burrow ever deeper into the warm, comforting, blanket of victimhood.***
Fun little sidebar to the IG report, while the famous Steele dossier was not a factor in the FBI’s decision to investigate Putin’s Personal Pet Presidential Candidate, the wily British spy had, in the past, been known to hang around with…Ivanka Trump. You hear that, Dotard? Your daughter’s been hiding a secret relationship with Christopher Steele from you. I bet she’s the one who told him about the pee tape.
And of course the House Judiciary Committee Impeachment Hearings/Subpar White Conservative Dude Clown Show rolled on. Democrats clearly and devastatingly laid out the case against Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, while Republicans screamed, lied, and in fleeting moments of virtuoso multi-tasking, screamed lies. I would almost pity the editing team at Fux Nooz tasked with splicing that overflowing vomitorium of hot nonsense into something resembling a coherent, pro-Trump, narrative, if they weren’t, y’know, trying to destroy American democracy.
Dr. Ronny Jackson, accused of drinking on the job, irresponsibly doling out opioids, and overseeing an abusive working environment, is now running for Congress in Texas, because of course he is. It would be cool if “I lied about the President’s weight and health and will continue to lie for him in the House of Representatives” were the kind of thing that was more likely to kill a career in Republican politics than boost it, but I ain’t holdin’ my breath.
Ok everybody, that’s enough for one night. The sooner we go to bed, the sooner it’s Articles of Impeachment morning, don’t forget to leave cookies out for Nancy Pelosi!
*The editorial board is made up of Cap, his cat, and…nope, that’s it.
**I fucking know it’s called Angel Street. I’m a failed actor, remember?
***This week only, take 25% off the Blanket of Victimhood in the Shower Cap Store!****
****There is no Shower Cap Store. You can buy me a beer, tho.