Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
You Know, I Don’t Think This Trump Fellow Is Going to Work Out
How’s your quarantine goin’, Shower Captives? Oh, I’m fine. I’m certainly not thinking about installing a chandelier, just to have something to swing from. Nope. All totally normal thoughts rattling around in the cranium ‘neath the mask. Let’s round up the news before my brain runs away screaming, shall we?
Over the weekend the President Who Stole From Charity rang up Disgraced Baseball Cheat Alex Rodriguez for advice on the ongoing coronavirus crisis, which threatens to keep him off the golf course indefinitely, and oh yeah, I think some of the serfs might die, too. Did he call any of the members of the pandemic response team that he fired? No, that would be silly, when there are so many unscrupulous athletes to consult! A-Rod is reported to have advised the most powerful person on Earth, “well, whenever I was in a jam I just took a fuckton of steroids,” so if this chloroquine thing doesn’t work out, he’ll be pimping HGH from the Shart House pulpit within a week, and at least MAGA nation can leave behind some totally jacked corpses.
Well, when he’s not busy licking celebrities’ buttholes, the Velveeta Vulgarian spends his hours desperately searching for any sliver of good news he can take credit for. Hence, he’s trying to get his own signature printed on the coming stimulus checks that will be sent to millions of American households, because why shouldn’t taxpayers fund his private political campaign while he’s bungling us all into early graves? Tell you what, dirtbag, let’s plant that childlike scrawl where it’s earned and deserved: death certificates. Maybe even tombstones, huh? “Laid down his life to get me to 48% in Rasmussen one last time. Loser.”
Also, the Hairplug That Ate Decency briefly toyed with the notion of a total quarantine for a tri-state area encompassing New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut, a real outside-the-box solution, assuming “the box” contains science, common sense, and the U.S. Constitution. Naturally, this would make shit exponentially worse within those states, and wouldn’t do much to slow the spread of the virus, which is everywhere already, including on those beaches Ron DeSantis won’t close, so why don’t we set the authoritarian power grab down and get back in box, campers? There are still quite a few unexplored good ideas back inside the box with the scientists and the doctors and the general non-idiots.
So, the Department of the Interior disestablished the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe’s reservation in Massachusetts, because things aren’t shitty enough right now, I guess. You have to wonder what other acts of white nationalist fuckery Stephen Miller and his motley crew of the hate-fueled and subpar are up to, while everyone else focuses on just surviving this fucking year.
Look, no one has been harder on President Gas Station Urinal Cake than me. Hell, I frequently refer to him as “President Gas Station Urinal Cake,” which certainly isn’t his real name*. But I’ve always vowed to give the devil his due, and even as the world burned around him, Shart Garfunkel kept a cool-if-hideously-spraytanned head, and demonstrated leadership so goshdarned presidential the statue at the Lincoln Memorial stood up to offer his chair, in declaring that the United States would not be paying for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s security, which of course we were never asked to do. A lesser man might have spent his time doing stupid cuck shit like “mobilizing the military to construct field hospitals” or “nationalizing the medical supply chain to battle a catastrophic equipment shortage,” but it takes a Real ‘Murican to ignore that petty stuff and address imaginary celebrity gossip problems instead. In related news, we’re all going to die.
Ok. So let’s not fuck around here. Donald Trump is getting people killed every day now. His laziness, ignorance, selfishness, and pride have set us down a path leading to the largest American death toll since WWII, and it seems like all we can do now is walk along it in horror and disbelief. And of course, many of those dying are the medical professionals serving on the front lines, often due to the shortage of personal protective equipment, an inevitable nationwide disaster that Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot refused to address weeks ago, when he could have, and should have, choosing instead to prioritize his short-term approval ratings over the lives of us 329 million suckers.
So when this tar-souled charlatan, this piss-stained shitmaggot, tries to shift responsibility for his own monstrous, murderous, failures by accusing the very health care workers whose lives he’s endangering of…motherFUCKER this makes me mad…of smuggling masks “out the back door,” it just makes you want to REDACTED SO THE SECRET SERVICE DOESN’T VISIT ME, doesn’t it? Somebody really oughta REDACTED SO THE SECRET SERVICE DOESN’T VISIT ME, or maybe even WOO BOY I’D REALLY GET IN TROUBLE IF ANYBODY SAW THIS ONE, that’s just what I think, sorry.
And through it all, the demented old creep is out there, bragging about his ratings. We’ve gone from “15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero” to “Hey, if I get out of this with less than 200,000 dead, I’m better than George Washington, like, George Washington, only with lasers for hands,” and he’s still mostly just excited that he gets to be on the magical talking teevee box.
I regret to inform you the lügenpresse is up to their old tricks. At one of Sharty McFly’s daily
campaign rallies excuse me, “coronavirus briefings,” PBS NewsHour’s Yamiche Alcindor viciously punctured the alternate reality he was so desperately spinning, utilizing that sneakiest and most dastardly of tactics: directly quoting the dumb shit he says, which he deems “threatening.” Y’know, since the doddering old crotchrash is getting thousands of us killed and all, I’m gonna go ahead and take some pleasure in his barely-contained rage whenever a black woman challenges him…it ain’t the 25th amendment, but it’s what we’ve got.
Many a lib was owned when Jerry Falwell, Jr reopened parts of Liberty University, in defiance of experts and their namby-pamby calls for “social distancing.” The coronavirus, shockingly unmoved by Falwell’s skillful trolling, wasted little time in infecting a dozen or so of his students. Hope those libtard doctors aren’t so owned that they can’t treat the victims of Jerry’s reckless arrogance.
In times of turmoil, we often find our way back to the famous Fred Rogers quote, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” What many people don’t know is, Mr. Rogers had an evil twin, Ferd, who offered the equally astute, “Look for the bastards. You will always find people who are making shit worse.” Ferd Rogers was talking about folks like Real Estate Mogul/Walking Ass Pimple Joel Freedman, who figured a desperate shortage of hospital beds in Philadelphia was a golden opportunity to extort the city into paying him an exorbitant fee to use the shuttered hospital he owns. If Joel wakes up tomorrow buried underneath 60 tons of rhinoceros diarrhea, then I guess that lamp I found this morning was magic after all.
There’s been a lot of talk about the work of libertarian nutjob (forgive the redundancy) Richard Epstein, and how it influenced Fat Q*Bert’s thinking as he made every imaginable mistake in handling the coronavirus outbreak, as though he owed the coronavirus money (and like, Deutsche Bank amounts of money). Now, Epstein has no experience, in medicine, or science, or breadmaking, or in seemingly anything except being a bloviating jagoff, but still he reached deep inside his own ass to pull out a figure claiming only 500 Americans would die, and decided that the damage to the economy, if we took action to fight COVID-19, would be worse because the real virus is liberalism. Utter horseshit, but it’s what Donnie Dotard wanted to hear, and suddenly you get tweets about the cure being worse than the problem, and a growing mountain of corpses. Congratulations, Richard, winning the Worst Epstein crown was certainly going to be a challenge, but you just might pull it off.
Democracy officially died in Hungary this week, as Viktor Orban used the coronavirus as the convenient excuse to bludgeon those last pesky vestiges of freedom to death. In ordinary times, the U.S. government would be issuing condemnatory statements, and getting to work on withdrawing aid and imposing sanctions over shit like this, but today, the Manchurian Manchild is most likely asking Orban for pointers.
Y’know, the Candycorn Skidmark may be a blithering idiot, overmatched by everything from the basic principles of international trade to the mechanics of the wily umbrella, but let it never be said that he has failed to internalize the prime commandment of modern conservative politics: “The easier it is for folks to vote, the worse we do.” Yeah, the head of our nation’s increasingly-fascist conservative party openly crapping all over the idea of letting everyone vote was certainly not my favorite thing that happened in March, but March was pretty shitty…I think my favorite thing might’ve been that one dream where I was teaching Robert Mitchum and Batman how to play backgammon**.
What’s this shit now? What fresh hell awaits in the latest installment of the Donnie Two-Scoops Daily Propaganda Spew? The MyPillow guy? Fuck. Who the fuck let this Trump-hugging, faux Christian goober up there to shill his wares at what is allegedly a briefing on this fucking disease that’s upended all our lives? I know we need ventilators, but can we maybe spare one shuttered factory to finish work on that catapult to launch these useless idiots into the sun?
And now the Screw All Life on Earth Administration is undoing Obama-era automobile fuel efficiency standards, because why should the lucky takers who survive this fuckup-enabled plague get to enjoy a habitable world after Donald Trump is dead and gone? It’s amazing how diligently he works to hurt people, isn’t it? I predict that, ten minutes before Joe Biden takes the oath of office, Littlefinger will, in one final act of spite, lunge for the nuclear football and just start mashing buttons with his tiny, inadequate, little fingers.
I see Mitch McConnell is trying to blame the Marmalade Shartcannon’s ruinous blundering in the face of the pandemic on the distraction of the impeachment trial. While of course it’s tragic that the consequences of the Grifter Grand Wizard’s many crimes cut into his ability to prepare for this emergency, I’m just thankful that he still had the free time to golf, hold hate rallies, and rage-tweet along with Fux Nooz for hours every day, I’d hate to think the responsibilities of his job were stressing him out while he was letting a bunch of people die needlessly.
And now, today, finally, even the Shart House acknowledged that, at the low end, 100,000-240,000 Americans will die of COVID-19. Fuck. It didn’t have to be this way. He could have acted. He could have taken this shit seriously. He could have done his fucking JOB. But no, he dithered, and he dawdled, and he lied his ass off, and now tens of thousands of us have to pay the price for his mistakes. We could’ve been South Korea, and now we’re praying that we’re “only” Italy. Don’t forget, there are still plenty of red state governors refusing to implement the social distancing guidelines needed to keep these numbers low.
Sooooo…yeah. Sorry it ain’t more fun tonight, folks. I, too, long for the salad days of Scott Pruitt and his lotion antics, but here we are. Stay safe out there. Me, I’ve got some screaming and drinking to catch up on.
*I mean, it might be. I haven’t checked.
**Awake, I do not know how to play backgammon.