Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Your FACE is an Anarchist Jurisdiction, and Other Tales of Fascism
So, the shitstorm refused to abate even long enough to let us grieve. We didn’t really expect it to. And we’re tired, sure, but we’re battle-hardened by now. Fascism relies on overwhelming the populace, pelting us with turd upon turd until we’re so worn down and covered in shit that we collapse. It isn’t working, have you noticed that? We’re too close to the finish line, sure, but we’re too strong for it, too. So join me for a bit, read through all this awful, fucked-up news, and marvel at how, after all these years and all this atrocity, your despair has not overwhelmed your resolve.
Well, happy 200,000 Covid Deaths Day, everybody! Though surely an undercount, the record now officially states that two hundred thousand American lives, each of them precious (well, maybe not Carl), have been lost, senselessly, victims of Donald Trump’s selfishness and incompetence, yes, but also of the rotten, venal political party that enables his every crime, and somebody’s writing all those crimes down, right? Like in one central list? You’re never winning a Nobel Prize, you demented loser, but you’re getting close to meriting comparison to Stalin, slaughtering-your-own-people-wise, anyway.
Naturally, the proto-fascist GOP gazed out upon this macabre milestone, the greatest, costliest failure of leadership in modern times, and decided their dying, rageful, minority movement had earned itself a little treat, in the form the Notorious and Not-even-buried-yet RBG’s seat on the Supreme Court.
Basically, “Hi, you’re welcome for the corpse mound and the double digit unemployment and the lost year of fury and despair, we’d also like to remove some of your rights now.” They are…insane, to imagine people will put up with this.
At least we’ve dispensed with the bullshit political theatre, the Calvinball contortions and ethical masturbation. Bottom line: Mitch McConnell poked this bear once before, and he realigned 40 House districts right out of his own party’s base; while the bear remained, understandably, quite angry, the bear might have contented itself with devouring Cory Gardner and Martha McSally on Election Day, maybe nibbling on Thom Tillis’ toes a little bit, but now the bear’s gonna fast for a few days, make a little room, like when you’ve got reservations at a Brazilian steakhouse. Keep pokin’ that bear, Yertle, you’re gonna find out just how many of your colleagues live in straw houses.
It was Milksop King Willard Romney who took on the Oh You Thought I’d Do the Right Thing? Suckers! role traditionally filled by Susan Collins. That Mittens wants to grant a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land to the very criminal he voted earlier this year to remove from office for high crimes and misdemeanors tells you all you need to know about the man; that his moral compass is a dog turd using live maggots for needles.
Naturally, the Velveeta Vulgarian brought his trademark Shittiness for Shittiness’ Sake to the “discussion,” proclaiming Ginsburg’s well-publicized dying wish to be a hoax orchestrated by Chuck, Nancy, and Adam Schiff, that shifty little pencil-necked geek. Now, nobody proposed our beloved Ruth’s last request be given actual legal weight, but in the end, it’s this very sort of pointless cruelty his voters want, more than any high court decision.
I see President Ostomy Bag is still pursuing the idea of giving the American education system a fascist makeover, gross. White-washing propaganda, with an extra coating or two to really give it that white nationalist sheen, is to be equated with “patriotism,” while anti-racist teachings are labeled “child abuse.” People think the Trump campaign is this careening clowncar, smashing wildly into the guardrails, and to an extent it is, but on one important level, the closing message is clear and consistent: a second Trump term would transform the United States into a post-democracy, white supremacist dictatorship, ruled in perpetuity by…a family of idiot game show hosts, for some reason.
That’s the pitch. That’s what they’re selling. All of them. Since Lafayette Square it’s been pretty much all fascism. And that’s deliberate. They’re pitching this vote as the last one. The last vote in American history, for white people who can’t bear the thought of sharing the country with anyone else. Break every law, fail every test, hell, fuck up an entire pandemic response for the stupidest conceivable reasons, destroying millions of jobs in the process, and even then, the people shall not have the right to depose their dumbfuck overlords.
Such audacity in the face of, lame gaslighting attempts notwithstanding, the undeniable, indeed inescapable river of shit we’re all wading though. You Nazi clowns, if you want to take away our right to self-rule, have the common sense to deliver, if not prosperity, at least something a little more appealing than the BIGGEST FUCKUP IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
See, that shit works in Russia, but we are not a people that will tolerate autocracy, or tyranny of the minority; we are in fact rather thoroughly indoctrinated with a completely contrary set of values, and you buttsniffers haven’t rewritten the textbooks just yet. You assclowns are already much further out on this limb than you understand, but Americans will not be ruled without our consent. There’s still time to figure that out the easy way, but not much.
HHS Secretary Alex Azar is fully DTF (“down to fascism”), proclaiming himself Padishah Emperor of the Known Universe, Specifically the Food and Drug Administration. The idea here seems to be, “the truth is what Alex Azar says it is!” Fuck you, no it’s not. You aren’t even impressive Nazis. Azar, Pompeo, Chad Wolf…the Dotard himself! Mediocrities radiating insecurity from every pore! And they really imagine it’s strength they’re projecting!
Anyway, Seems the CDC is ground zero for the Turdmaggot Administration’s latest Orwellian airstrike against the forces of reason and public health. Guidelines are being issued and reversed and yanked and jerked in all directions at alarming rates; last time I checked, I think you’re supposed to shove a peanut-butter-and-hydroxychloroquine sandwich up your ass every day before you leave the house. It’s gotta be on rye bread though, or it doesn’t work.
It’s utter madness of course; all this is being done in the vain, desperate hope that four years of abomination will be forgiven and forgotten by the abused, exhausted electorate when these integrity black holes breathlessly announce a coronavirus vaccine the day before Halloween. Sorry kids, y’all spent your credibility allowance on crowd size and windmill cancer. I mean, how many Boy Who Cried Wolf gags can one blogger honestly be expected to come up with? Shit.
God love ‘em for trotting Larry “The Groundhog That Unfailingly Heralds Doom” Kudlow out to proclaim the runaway success/general hunky-doryness of all things. The very fact that someone in the Shart House comms shop deployed LARRY FUCKING KUDLOW at this late date, expecting America to hug him like the goddamn Snuggle Bear proves they’re unfit to govern. Good lord.
Redactor General William Barr designated Portland, Seattle and NYC as “anarchist jurisdictions,” to be stripped of federal funds as punishment for allowing the First Amendment to exist within city limits, and golly, the Republican dedication to limited government is breathtaking to behold. All part of pitch of course; diverse, blue, URBAN America, brought to heel, its riches plundered. How they plan to get us heathens to tolerate this state of affairs is…heh, unclear.
Anyhoo, it’s not just national Republicans who believe repeated, deadly failures merit totalitarian power grabs, oh no! Ron DeSantis, probably the most murderously inept governor in America, unveiled an exciting line of fun, fashy, new laws for the fall! While decriminalizing vehicular manslaughter, provided the victim is a filthy leftist, Ron-Ron also proposes some thrilling* loopholes designed to outlaw our very right to protest!
The BALLS on this goon. “Hey, now that I’ve catastrophically failed you during a public health crisis, resulting in thousands of unnecessary deaths, I’ve decided to redefine citizenship to exclude anyone who disapproves of my blundering!” Folks. Authoritarian Party. Not particularly subtle.
The truth is, Republican officials aren’t exactly being dragged against their will into these fascist flirtations. Many of them are taking to it quite naturally, in fact.
For example, Georgia’s unelected Senator, Kelly Loeffler, in her bid to fill the remainder of Johnny Isakson’s term, is asking the electorate to overlook her self-dealing financial crimes because she’s “more conservative than Attila the Hun,” which is essentially the same argument used by Hairplug Himmler himself: Yes I am an incompetent crook incapable of and uninterested in delivering any positive change for anyone other than myself, BUT I am cruel, and I will hurt the people you despise.
Now, if Kelly is merely yearning for the violent destruction of her enemies, on the state level you’ve got mega creeps like Kentucky state Representative and proud supporter of President What if Elmer Gantry Fucked the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Robert S. Goforth, newly indicted for strangling a woman with an ethernet cable. Now, this is not the first time Rob has been accused of violently assaulting a woman, but Kentucky Republicans still won’t boot him from the legislature, because they think it’s important that the fella who just got INDICTED FOR STRANGLING A WOMAN WITH AN ETHERNET CABLE be allowed to weigh in on the laws governing society. Cool cool cool.
The latest filings from Manhattan district attorney Cy Vance’s investigation into the Turd Family Robinshart’s finances says they’re maybe kinda prolly under investigation for tax fraud, so can we see some damn tax returns now? Wow. The next season of this show looks like it could be really exciting, and full of satisfying payoffs, assuming the Rule of Law returns to the cast; I’m told there are backstage personality conflicts with Bill Barr, so it’s gonna have to be one or the other.
Look, the odds are, we’ve all got a Zoom funeral or two to get to, so I’ll bookend with the death toll and get out of your hair. To Donald John Trump, loser high priest to a drooling death cult, 200,000 individual human-life-shaped tragedies adds up to a so-called pandemic which “affects virtually nobody.”
I don’t understand how they don’t see it. The Children of the Candy Corn. Like, I get the cultiness, the fear and the hate and the promise to punish the enemy and pillage their lands, but like…his disdain for all human life…his contempt for you, his followers, specifically…he keeps saying it, out loud, right in front of you, over and over, and just…how do y’all not see it?
It’s also National Voter Registration Day, otherwise known as EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY here in my wine cave**. You’re registered, right? You’ve got a plan to vote? Safely, and EARLY? Gonna track your vote to make sure it’s been counted? These are perilous times, Resisters, and your citizenship is required.
Big thanks to everyone using the Fascist-Flushing Action Guide to donate to our awesome candidates, by the way. We just brought back the Six-Packs, which allow you to donate to groups of candidates at once. Whether you’re looking to protect our most vulnerable House incumbents or flip the Senate right out of Mitch McConnell’s shitty little terrapin claws, everybody knows a six-pack is better than one lonely ol’ beer.
And yeah, I’m launching the Kickstarter for comic #2, MINE from Resistance Comics, in a week. We’re proud of it, and we think you’ll like it, but please, if you’re choosing between a donation to Steve Bullock or Theresa Greenfield and my humble funny book, GIVE TO THE DEMS, no contest.
**I do not have a wine cave. Also, Gordon Lightfoot is still alive.