Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Golly, I Sure Hope You Like Talking About Horse Dewormer
Just to rip the bandaid off right up front, we are indeed now in week three of the Won’t Take No Experimental Vaccine Pass the Horse Dewormer story, in case anybody woke up this morning hoping they’d somehow Rip Van Winkled themselves into saner times. You’re not gettin’ out that easy, pal.
Yes, the whatthefuckest period in American history to date shows no signs of giving way to a new Enlightenment any time soon, though I like our chances once Darwin gets done with these asshats.
Because…yeah, folks’re still eating horse dewormer. More folks than ever are eating horse dewormer, actually. Seems they think it’ll protect them from Covid. It won’t. Because it’s horse dewormer, and therefore designed to deworm horses. Not to fight Covid. If it fought Covid, they’d probably call it “Covid fighter,” rather than, y’know…“horse dewormer.”
Now, far be it from me to offer unsolicited advice, but when contemplating membership in a cult or cultlike organization, where the primary tenet is “fuck every single thing the other side says,” make sure you haven’t set yourself up opposite the team with all the doctors and scientists. Because that’s how you wind up shitting yourself in the grocery store with a belly full of livestock drench.
Anyway, an apple (-flavored horse paste) a day will NOT keep the Covid away, though it just so happens there are THREE SEPARATE FUCKING VACCINES that will. One of ‘em, Pfizer, was even fully approved by the FDA this week, finally, which really ought to’ve been amazing, wonderful news, and a massive step forward in the battle against vaccine hesitancy, but I’ll be a monkey’s sex-trafficking wingman if Fox and the rest of the right-wing jagoffosphere didn’t immediately begin screeching that the approval process had been “rushed,” I guess because Bill Gates was unsatisfied with microchip penetration levels in rural Alabama.
I understand keeping your audience in a perpetual state of garment-rending rage; killing off the very rube army you’ve worked so long and hard to brainwash, at a rate currently exceeding 1,000 per day, seems counterproductive. New model findings say that without behavioral changes, we’re on track for an additional 100,000 Covid deaths by early December. One hundred thousand. With three vaccines. Did Rupert Murdoch win some sort of animal dewormer production facility in a golf game or something?
While I am an optimist at heart, I believe we have to be honest about the likelihood of the necessary behavioral changes manifesting in a culture that would rather ingest strange chemical products that come in packaging adorned with pictures of animals than accept advice from anyone with actual medical training.
Because now, even the Dotard himself can’t promote vaccination (that dastardly deep state alternative to dying alone on a ventilator) without getting booed. Wow, it’s like if Frankenstein’s Monster made his own monster and lost control of it. Now that I think of it, Frankenstein Times A Million is gonna be a great title for either a Gore Verbinksi movie or a six-volume, Caro-style opus documenting American history from 2019 through 2021.
Of course, between the boos and the threat of losing Alex Jones’ esteem, Wee Donnie One-Term’s little experiment in responsible behavior is sure to prove short. Gotta ask, though…does no one see the inherent flaw in pandering to suicidal impulses?
Guess not. Because wherever they hold power, Republicans continue governing for the exclusive benefit of the malignantly insane, at the expense of the responsible majority, and if there’re any pollsters out there reading this, feel free to scribble me down as strongly disapproving of that shit.
Down in Texas, Greg Abbott, that champion of freedumb, has been a busy little beaver on the Reaper’s behalf, banning mask and vaccine mandates, while importing mortuary trailers and thousands of out-of-state medical professionals to deal with the carnage he’s unleashed. Nifty little assembly line you’ve set up there, Greg-O. Homicidal, but efficient.
Thank God, a court rescued Florida’s children from their Governor’s Scooby Doo villain plot to turn public schools into Covid incubators, the better to enrich his donors. Oh by the way, this paragraph is brought to you by REGENERON™️, the official pharmaceutical product of Ron DeSantis’ bloodthirsty ambition.
And Kristi Noem, fresh off her second successful Sturgis superspreader event, dared Joe Biden to come to South Dakota so they could arm-wrestle on the table she had carved from the bones of constituents she sent to early graves. One Cult45er was so impressed with Noem’s posturing, he disconnected his ventilator applauding over-vigorously.
…and yet it’s Gavin Newsom facing a recall election. Lordy. (Y’all in California know to vote in that thing, yeah?)
And the 6-3 wingnut SCOTUS majority decided there’s no reason to allow a silly, insignificant obstacle like “losing the presidency in a historic landslide” interfere with Hairplug Himmler’s white nationalist immigration policy, the latest smashing progressive victory delivered by the Hillary Just Didn’t Earn My Vote crowd.
Judging by their unrestrained giddiness, the thirteen American casualties from a tragic suicide bombing in Afghanistan represent the best thing that’s happened to the ghoulish opportunists of the Republican Party since the first Proud Boy breached the Capitol on January 6th. “Impeach Joe Biden,” squeal the very same spineless apparatchiks who enabled the Velveeta Vulgarian’s four-year crime spree. Whatever.
I see Kevin McCarthy is already soggy with drool at the prospect of leaving his own personal stamp on the “Benghazi hearings” genre. Yeah, I’m sure your feral base’ll eat that shit right up. Like horse dewormer. Which brings us back to the problem of turning your people out at the polls after delivering so many of them to Governor Abbott’s mobile morgues.
Okay, this might be a bit weird…we’ve got the format more or less down here at Shower Cap’s Blog, but after years of “lookit this act of fuckery perpetrated by this fascist taintmaggot,” I am surprised and delighted to report an unexpected bumper crop of “fascist taintmaggot finally faces long-overdue consequences for previous fuckery” stories.
Leading the pack are Sidney Powell, Lin Wood, and their whole fetid flock of would-be democracy destroyers, who received a righteous spanking from U.S. District Court Judge Linda Parker, whose 110-page ruling is in no way safe for work.
Also, one of the walking skidmarks who plotted to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer got his loser ass sentenced to six years in prison. Hey, quick Shower Cap Fact: it is against the law to kidnap your governor! Betcha didn’t know that.
In addition, seditious pigfucker Devin Nunes had another of his fascistic nuisance lawsuits dismissed, in a victory for free speech and a massive setback for ham-humping wannabe authoritarians everywhere.
Whew. I don’t know about you, but all that sweet, sweet comeuppance left me with a sticky keyboard. Dare we hope the trend continues? I certainly wouldn’t mind if Scumfuck Justice Roundup became a regular feature.
Maybe we can allow ourselves a little cautious optimism. Maybe this new lawsuit, from seven Capitol Police officers, will take a chunk out of Tangerine Idi Amin and his fashy friends. And if nothing else, the January 6th commission’s initial salvo of records requests sent a clear shot across Mar-a-Lago’s bow, and even though I’m now hopelessly entangled in cannon metaphors that don’t really work, Bennie Thompson’s merry band is clearly loaded for bear*.
Nobody’s delivering quite so much karmic retribution as our old friend: the novel coronavirus which causes Covid-19. From wingnut talk radio host Phil Valentine to the dirtbag lawyer who represented Kyle Rittenhouse and a bunch of Capitol rioters, those who have fucked around are beginning, one by one, to find out.
Ask Caleb Wallace, 30-year-old father of three. He won’t respond, as he is, as I write this, unconscious in the ICU on a ventilator. Caleb did everything he was supposed to; he crusaded against masks and organized “freedom rallies” and even gorged himself on fucking horse medication, none of which stopped the virus from ravaging his body, because disinformation doesn’t magically become truth if you just believe hard enough. Tucker Carlson is not your fairy godmother, kids.
Sooooo…yeah. Everything is pretty much insane, but insane in familiar ways, I suppose. Stay safe out there, friends. Don’t let angry weirdos infect you with any diseases.
PS – Hey, for those of you who backed the Kickstarter…rewards surveys have been sent! Answer ‘em as soon as you can, I can’t mail your comics if I don’t have your address! If you don’t see the e-mail in your inbox, take a quick peek in the ol’ junk folder, you may find me there among the erectile dysfunction miracle cures.