Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Been gone awhile. Shit still cray?
Hey there folks. So, I’ve been out of town for a few days, and I’m trying to catch up on the news real quick. Maybe you can help me out. Is shit still cray? Is shit still breathtakingly, overwhelmingly, face-smashingly, bat-shittingly cray?
I actually took off just as that Jim Varney fellah was doing his Ernest Goes to Testify Before the Senate Intelligence Committee show, and I missed a lot of it. I understand John McCain was wandering around the Senate floor with his hospital gown on backwards or some shit, and I lack the words to describe how sorry I am to have missed the Party-Line Maverick making an ass of himself.
Anyhoo, from what I gather, Jazzy Jim went under oath and was all, “Yeah, all the shit you’ve read is true, Orange Julius Caesar tried to get me to lay off Flynn and back down on Russia and then he fired me cuz I wouldn’t and if you don’t believe me watch that Lester Holt interview where he said it himself. Also I leaked shit about the totally-unclassified memos I took in order to pressure the Justice Department into appointing a special counsel which is exactly what happened CHECK AND MATE BITCHES!!!!” and then he twerked on the table for a bit I was told.
Seems the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg Beauregard finds himself in deeper shit than ever before. Y’know how JeffBeau always has that strained, vacant, vaguely terrified expression in every photo he takes, like he just sat on a pie and he’s scared to stand up? Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s more fear in his eyes every single week, as the walls keep closin’ on in.
That is the look of a man who understands his day of reckoning is at hand.
And considering that it turns out that yet another undisclosed meeting between Sessions and certain unsavory Russians has surfaced, meaning the distinguished Attorney General has extra-special, super-deluxe, whipped-cream-and-a-maraschino-cherry-on-top perjured himself, expect those beady little eyes of his to keep gettin’ wider and wider until he looks like a fucking anime caricature of the mediocre Alabama trash that he is.
And so Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III has cancelled a public hearing scheduled for Tuesday in favor of a private one, in which he is expected to more or less reenact that John Turturro scene in MILLER’S CROSSING.
At any rate, Team Shart’s strategy seems to be to just declare victory and hope that if they keep popping champagne and ordering congratulatory ice cream cakes, nobody will pay attention when the impeachment trial starts.
But anyone who understands anything about the law is telling us the Comey testimony built a mightily damning case for obstruction of justice, but don’t worry, Shart-Shart, your lawyer sent out a letter that mis-spelled “President,” so you’ll be fine.
Of course, at Fox and Breitbart, everything is peachy-keen. The ratings may be plummeting and the advertisers may be fleeing, but they’re merrily concocting their alternate reality where Shart Garfunkel wins everything up to and including the NBA MVP and coal mining jobs keep falling from the sky like so much pigeon shit.
Seriously, the shrinking/shrieking right-wing media bubble has learned one big lesson from their Russian hacker friends: their customers are even bigger rubes and riper marks than they’d ever dreamed. “Shit, if these assholes are willing to believe the Clintons run a child sex slavery ring out of a pizza restaurant, what won’t they buy? All these years we thought we were pushing the edges of credibility, turns out we were holding back!” So there’s no lie too big to tell, and in the end, these fucks will surely be able to fool some of the people all of the time.
Anyway, America’s Least Favorite Poop Mistake decided to check off a bunch of boxes all at once, say Joltin’ Jim was dirty lying liar who lies except for all the places where he completely vindicated Boss Shart of all wrongdoing and also he’s the one who leaked everything ever and even tried to sell pirated downloads of the Baywatch movie but nobody wanted to see it so JOKE’S ON YOU, JIMBO.
He also thought he’d be a Big Tuff Boy Who Pulls Up His Own Pants and Gets His Poo in the Bowl at Least Sometimes Now by calling Jim a COWARD, and then immediately cancelled his state visit to England because he’s afraid of being protested by a bunch of dudes with bad teeth who listen to Morrissey.* And we all laughed at him.
Speaking of laughing at him, I guess the big GOP strategy to defend the Marmalade Shartcannon’s…shall we say, “questionable” actions…is to say “Well, he’s just a big fat fucking idiot who doesn’t understand what he’s saying or doing.”
Seriously. “He can’t collude with his own government.” That’s Lindsey Graham’s honest-to-god best shot at dismissing the ever-snowballing Russia scandal. That’s Lindsey Graham HELPING. “Surely this childlike dipshit, who can’t collude his way into tying his necktie at an appropriate length, isn’t capable of managing a conspiracy at any level.” Well no, Lindsey Ol’ Boy, that’s why it’s being uncovered so quickly and easily. Anyway, he can launch nukes whenever he wants to, sleep tight!
Oh, and did I see that Toupee Fiasco got so cocky that he offered to testify under oath? Hah. Hahhahahhaah. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAH. He’s gonna want that one back, folks.
And wasn’t there something where Dorito Mussolini and his hopelessly overmatched “Secretary of State” declared opposite positions on Qatar within like, an hour of each other? I’m really asking. The line between parody and reality is an atom’s width these days.
And something happened in England, or Narnia, or someplace, right? Theresa May decided she wanted her picture in Webster’s next to “hubris” and everybody’s reading “British Politics For Dummies” and generally hoping that recent European elections are evidence that the citizens of the Western World have learned their lesson from watching the Ringling Brothers Except With Authoritarianism and Incompetence Instead of Acrobats and Clowns Show we’ve been putting these last six months. Good for you, Europe…got any room on your couch?
I see a bunch of Democrats have decided to sue over the emoluments clause, for the PETTY CUCK REASON that the Drumpf Family Robinshart keeps doing all it can to rake in every nickel they can get their inbred little hands on, whether by pimping visas in China or just setting up an empty mop bucket in the lobby of their D.C. hotel with a crudely drawn sign reading “Bribes go heer” in purple crayon. Since the GOP is just trying to sneak as many federal judges as they can through the Senate before this whole thing blows up in their faces, I guess we have to leave silly shit like “the constitutional duty to conduct oversight” and “enforcing the law” up to the courts. Wheeeee.
I’m seeing that Drumpf gave Head Weasel in Charge Reince Pubis until the Fourth of July to just…fix everything, fucking EVERY SINGLE THING THAT’S FUCKED WHICH IS A LOT OF FUCKING THINGS or he’s bringing Corey Lewandowski in to cause more problems and also assault more female reporters or somesuch. Looking to Corey Lewandowski for help in a crisis is a bit like trying to swallow cough syrup while you’re drowning, so by all means…proceed.
There’s more, I know. Shit with Reza Aslan and Dana Rohrabacher and some heavily armed cosplayers screeching about Shania law, but I was on the road for 8 hours today, so I’ve gotta let some shit slide.
Anyway, I know I missed a bunch of stuff. Help me out. Catch me up. I’m back in the saddle tomorr…wait what? The little Shartkins are up in arms over a production of JULIUS CAESAR and they’re getting corporate sponsors to pull out?
Fuck this Shit. Make art. Resist. Take your motherfucking country back. VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
I’m tired. Bedtime.
*I fucking love Morrissey, and my teeth are merely average. Point is, luv u, Great Britain.