Shit remains utterly, uncontrollably, cray, but I confess it’s a great deal more bearable when the good guys are on offense, chalking up wins. So let’s keep a spring in our step as we wade through the thigh-high muck this week, shall we?

Well, the public impeachment hearings are underway, preempting daytime soaps and Press Your Luck reruns across the nation, with House Democrats and a handful of patriotic civil servants doing their level best to save the country from the gangsters who would, given the chance, unhesitatingly use the U.S. Constitution to wipe the fingerprints off the candlestick they’d bludgeon Adam Schiff to death with.

On the other side, snarling Republican goons, who have chosen to spend their precious time on this Earth fighting tooth and nail for the Trump clan’s right to steal anything that’s not nailed down, in hopes of living off their sloppy scraps, I suppose. The task of defending an obviously guilty human shitstain is neither easy nor enviable, of course, but holy shit these clowns still suck at it.

Conservative pundits are all “Read the Constitution, libtards! It doesn’t specifically say Extorting Vulnerable Allies for Dirt on Joe Biden and his Large Adult Son is an impeachable offense!” like they’ve just solved the riddle of the fucking Sphinx.  “…oh, and while we’re on the subject, the Constitution is also conspicuously silent on the impeachability of lapping hooker pee off Russian bedsheets like a goddamn Pekingese. No I don’t bring that up for any particular reason.”

Because we live in Hell, a prominent HAWT TAKE on the televised hearings that laid out evidence of the President of the United States running the nation’s foreign policy as an extortion ring for personal gain was that they lacked…PIZZAZZ. Now, in addition to being one more terrifying, standards-lowering, brick in the depressing, justice-annihilating, road that seeks to replace information with entertainment, the criticism was also totally unfair, as the sparkly, glow-in-the-dark, pasties Chairman Schiff wore during his closing statement can be found, in the Oxford Frickin’ English Dictionary, RIGHT NEXT TO THE LITERAL DEFINITION OF PIZZAZZ.

We learned that Gordon Sondland, famous for being U.S. Ambassador to the European Union, as well as for having his nuts in a rapidly-tightening vice, took his duties so seriously that he called President Crotchrot from Kiev on an unsecured personal cellphone, guaranteeing that every Tom, Vlad, and Harry foreign intelligence service intercepted the call. Oddly enough, the GOP, who seemed like a party concerned with little else BUT information security when Hillary Clinton’s private server was in the headlines, seems to have no problem with this breach, or even that one time Fat Q*Bert fed the Russians classified intelligence right in the very Oval Office. You know, I’m starting to have concerns about the consistency of these folks’ ethical stances.

Ohio Republicans, in a quest to render the children who go through their public school system permanently unemployable, want to give kids the “freedom” to overrule dumb ol’ history and science with personal religious beliefs, and if we don’t swing this country back, hard and fast, we’re gonna wind up with lessons in bloodletting and leech application in Home Ec.

A report from the State Department’s Inspector General finds that Treasonweasel Administration political appointees improperly retaliated against an official, partially because of her ethnicity, another shocking example of white supremacists doing white supremacist things. Stephen Miller’s gotta be wondering, “how many Federalist Society thugs do we have to appoint to the courts before we get to just hang a Whites Only sign on the entire executive branch? SHEESH!”

(Yes, Miller still holds his powerful Shart House post, despite the recent discovery of his hellaciously racist emails; it would take barely a thimbleful of decency to fire him, but may as well ask for the whole dang Grand Canyon when it comes to Government Cheese Goebbels.)

Having lost in every court along the way, the Marmalade Shartcannon now takes his battle to Please Please Please Let Me Hide My Tax Returns Putin Owns Me So Hard He Literally Carved His Initials Onto My Fucking Kidneys to the Supreme Court, where he has appointed two Justices. He’s a couple televised hearings away from turning up on Kavanaughty’s stoop with a sixer of Schlitz, offering to play Devil’s Triangle.

Oh hey, Redactor General Billy Barr’s corrupting ooze apparently has yet to seep into every recess of the Justice Department, because guess who has his very own brand new campaign finance violation investigation? Freshman Florida Congressjag ROSS SPANO, that’s who! Ross just barely squeaked into the House last fall, so I say let’s boot this crook before the furniture in his new office has time to get dusty.

News of yet another tragic school shooting broke at the precise moment Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, an unusually useless right-wing rubber stamp in a caucus filled with useless right-wing rubber stamps, blocked a bipartisan universal background check bill, a perfect real-time reminder that the business of the Republican Party is producing a never-ending line of lives cut short, families torn by grief, and extensions to Wayne LaPierre’s house. For those who would like to pry the U.S. Senate out of the NRA’s odious hands, Mike Espy announced he’s seeking a 2020 rematch over Cindy’s seat. It’s a longshot, sure, but imagine the rewards if we pull it off…

Following longstanding family tradition, Shitweasel, Jr., cheated his way to the top of the (Failing) New York Times Best Sellers List, with the help of some bulk purchases from the Party of Lincoln Well Not Anymore Mostly We Just Enrich the Trumps Nowadays But Lincoln Was Cool Once Upon a Time. Honestly, I’m not even mad; if the RNC wants to piss away donor money to fluff a pampered rich boy’s ego rather than investing in Congressional races, I’ll fucking lug the boxes for ‘em. So long as they pay me. In donor money.

Apparently worried that Texas’ transformation into a swing state was going too slowly, the Turdmaggot Administration escalated the legal battle to seize (or “steal” if you’re feeling frisky and/or honest) private land for Boss Shart’s Big Stupid Wall Nobody Wants. This must be that “small government” conservatives are always lecturing us about. So Donald Trump can just take our stuff now? If you try pulling this eminent domain shit on my Weird Al Funko Pop, it’s not gonna go well for you, Smallhands.

The Shart House released the transcript of an earlier call between Tangerine Idi Amin and Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky, the idea apparently being to show what a very good boy Wee Don can be, because he doesn’t commit crimes on every single call he makes. Hilariously, these clowns still managed to step on their own dicks, as they had previously claimed this call demonstrated Littlefinger’s heroic commitment to rooting out corruption, and while the transcript depicts a great deal of moronic rambling about beauty pageants, corruption doesn’t come up at all. I mean, I assume they’re doctoring the fuck out of these transcripts, and they still wind up with their heads in bedpans. How? HOW?!?!?

Anyway, back to the hearings.

The Velveeta Vulgarian engaged in a little light witness-intimidation-by-tweet right in the middle of Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch’s testimony, I guess because he was unable to convince Matt Gaetz to burst through door, clutching a tire iron, shouting SNITCHES GET STITCHES. Adam Schiff responded by reminding everyone that House Dems have a full pad’s worth of Articles of Impeachment, and they can always go back to Office Depot for more, if needed.

Gym Jordan keeps shitting his pants, and then rubbing the shit all over his face and chest, leading one to marvel at the fact that the House GOP took special measures to transfer him, in all his boneheaded, jacketless, glory, onto the House Intelligence Committee just so that America could watch him smear shit on himself.

House Republicans generally used their time during the hearings to raise awareness of the crucial issue of What Brainless Jackasses House Republicans Are. Unable to defend their Turd Emperor’s astonishingly-well-documented crimes, the fallback tactic seems to be Procedural Tantrum Theatre; Jordan and Nunes found their long-sought third stooge in Rep. Elise Stefanik, who was apparently the victim of the greatest abuse of power in American history when she was forced to follow committee rules and wait her turn to speak.

This has, obviously, been a very difficult week for the Kompromat Kid. Lucky for him, he’s got a true friend in Nancy Pelosi, lending him a helping hand with lifelong struggles such as “what words in English mean.”

And yes, the long arm of the law finally, FINALLY caught up with Ratfucking Buttpimple Roger Stone, who was convicted by a jury of his peers* on all seven counts he faced. And now, yeah, we sit back and wait while that experimental-hair-tonic-addled brain tries to game out whether he could survive the impeachment trial if he pardons his favorite co-conspirator; for tonight at least, we get to point and laugh at one of the very worst men in America, brought down at long last…I will fucking well drink to that.

The Candycorn Skidmark is certainly taking the power of the pardon out for a test drive tonight, letting a handful of motherfucking war criminals off the hook for their atrocities. Billionaires, white supremacists, and war criminals…helluva constituency you’ve got there, Shart-O.

Anyway, after the day’s public hearing, House Intel went back behind closed doors to interview a fellah named David Holmes, who confirmed earlier testimony about overhearing a phone call between Sondland and the Sunny D-Bag himself, about how the whole damn nation of Ukraine can go fuck itself if they don’t help him smear Joe Biden, obliterating the feeble “Rudy and Gordo were freelancing” defense, and pushing the President further than ever into the Zone of You Are Really Quite Fucked Now, Shitbag. Holmes will take his testimony public next week, tee fucking hee.

And there’s more to be happy about tonight, Resisters! Big voting rights win down in Florida! Planned Parenthood kicking ass and taking names (and $$$$$$) in court! And of course, I JUST SAVED A BUNCH OF MONEY ON MY CAR INSURANCE!

Ok, that last bit is a lie; the rule of threes is a rule, dammit. But I do have something super-exciting coming very soon, and I hope you’ll stay tuned, I think you’ll dig it, Shower Captives. Till then, stay safe out there

*Obviously, Stone has no peers, only superiors. 

PS Holy fuckballs a guy can’t even get a poo joke blog up without major fucking news breaking!